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StarInfo/Rawle/Text_2/Text
This website contains an archive of files for the Acorn Electron, BBC Micro, Acorn Archimedes, Commodore 16 and Commodore 64 computers, which Dominic Ford has rescued from his private collection of floppy disks and cassettes.
Some of these files were originally commercial releases in the 1980s and 1990s, but they are now widely available online. I assume that copyright over them is no longer being asserted. If you own the copyright and would like files to be removed, please contact me.
| Tape/disk: | Home » Archimedes archive » Acorn User » AU 1998-02 B.adf » Regulars |
| Filename: | StarInfo/Rawle/Text_2/Text |
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| File size: | 259B3 bytes |
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| Exec address: | 0000 |
File contents
After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
"This is true," He replied.
"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
his own."
It was so granted.
\
Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
\
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
\
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
\
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."
Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
\
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
\
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
\
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
\
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.
\
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
\
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
\
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
\
Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...
\
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
\
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
\
Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
\
...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
smell.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
\
Once, adv.: Enough.
\
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
\
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
\
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
\
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
\
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
\
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
\
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
>>- Andrew W. Mathis
\
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
>>- Roy Santoro
\
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
\
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
\
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
\
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
\
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
>>- Noelie Altito
\
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
\
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
>>- Marguerite Emmons
\
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
\
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
\
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to.....to........uh..............
\
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
\
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
\
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means."
>>- Walt Kelly
\
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
\
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
\
A penny saved is ridiculous.
\
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
\
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
\
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
\
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
\
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
\
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
\
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
\
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
\
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
\
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
\
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
\
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
\
To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flinstone
\
God is Dead
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
-- God
Nietzsche is God
-- Dead
\
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
\
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
\
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
\
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
\
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
\
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
\
Necessity is a mother.
\
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
\
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
\
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
\
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
\
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
\
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
\
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious...
\
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
\
If anything can go wrong, it will.
\
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
\
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
\
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
\
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
\
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
Ears.
\
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
\
You're at the end of the road again.
\
If anything can go wrong, it will.
\
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
judging things by their price.
\
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
\
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray what is the reason of that?"
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
\
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
\
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
What made you so awfully clever?"
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
\
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
\
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
\
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
\
I'll grant the random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
\
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
\
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(thi)!
\
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
\
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
please use the program "_r_a_n_d_c_h_a_r". This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
\
This fortune intentionally not included.
\
Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
Because he knows it teases.
Wow! wow! wow!
I speak severely to my boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!
Wow! wow! wow!
\
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
\
Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
Et le m^omerade horgrave.
\
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
\
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--
till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for
you!'"
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
objected.
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
that's all."
\
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.
>>- A. E. Housman
\
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
>>- Stanislaw Lem
\
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
>>- the Peter Principle
\
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
it.
\
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way...
\
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
\
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
\
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
\
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
>>- Walt Kelley
\
Look out! Behind you!
\
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
\
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
\
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
\
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
\
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
\
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
\
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
\
Every solution breeds new problems.
\
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
\
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
"Murphy was an optimist."
\
Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
\
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
\
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
\
Scott's first Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
\
Scott's second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
After the correction has been found in error, it will be
impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
equation.
\
Finagle's first Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
\
Finagle's second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
\
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
\
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
\
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
\
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
The Course of Progress:
Most things get steadily worse.
The Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
\
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
\
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
game.
\
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
\
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
\
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
\
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
\
Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crud.
\
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
\
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
\
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
\
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
\
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
\
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.
\
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning's Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
\
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
\
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
\
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
\
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
\
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
\
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
\
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
\
Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.
\
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
\
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
disposed of.
Corollaries:
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
obtain a correspondence with the theory.
\
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
\
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
\
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
out.
\
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
\
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
\
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
\
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
\
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
\
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
\
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
\
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
\
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
\
Jone's Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
\
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
bathroom.
\
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
\
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
\
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
\
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
\
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
\
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
wind.
\
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
\
Osborn's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
\
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
should have gotten.
\
Miksch's Law:
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
\
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
\
Harris's Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
\
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
>>- Harry S Truman
\
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
\
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
\
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
\
Swipple's Rule of Order:
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
\
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
\
Gray's Law of Programming:
'_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as '_n' tasks.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
'_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as '_n' trivial tasks.
\
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
\
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
\
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
civilization.
\
Paul's Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
save.
\
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
\
Weinberg's Principle:
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
\
Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people: those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
\
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
\
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
\
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
a better looking and richer male friend.
\
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
\
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
rats.
\
Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
\
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
\
Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
\
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
\
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
\
The Kennedy Constant:
Don't get mad -- get even.
\
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement:
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
\
Jone's Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
\
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
\
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
\
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
\
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
\
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
\
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
\
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
\
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
\
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
>>- Mark Twain
\
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
>>- Mark Twain
\
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
>>- Mark Twain
\
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
>>- Mark Twain
\
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
>>- Mark "The Bard" Twain
\
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
voice.
"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
Elven-lore:
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
\
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
because we are not the person involved"
>>- Mark Twain
\
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
>>- Mark Twain
\
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I
didn't know.
>>- Mark Twain
\
"...all the modern inconveniences..."
>>- Mark Twain
\
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
>>- Walt Kelly
\
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
>>- William Gilbert
\
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
\
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
\
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
\
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can never hope to acquire it.
\
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
\
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
\
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
>>- Ogden Nash
\
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
>>- A. E. Housman
\
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
>>- Su Tung-p'o
\
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
>>- H. Allen Smith
\
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
\
This is for all ill-treated fellows
Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
And I am not.
>>- A. E. Housman
\
"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
>>- A. E. Housman
\
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
>>- Stanislaw Lem
\
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade...
>>- Stanislaw Lem
\
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
>>- Ralph Emerson
\
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
\
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
\
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
>>- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
\
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
\
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
\
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
\
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
>>- Samuel Foote
\
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
\
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
\
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
equipment ruined.
\
Boren's Laws:
1) When in charge, ponder.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in doubt, mumble.
\
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
\
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
\
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
\
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
\
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
>>- Frederick Winsor
\
Vail's Second Axiom:
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
amount of work already completed.
\
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
\
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
\
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
>>- Arlo Guthrie
\
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
>>- G. B. Shaw
\
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
>>- Howard Kandel
\
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
\
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
>>- Dolph Sharp
\
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
\
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
>>- Henrick Ibson
\
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
\
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
>>- Lazarus Long
\
I like work...
I can sit and watch it for ours.
\
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
\
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
>>- Major Major's father
\
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
>>- A. E. Newman
\
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!
\
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
>>- Ogden Nash
\
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
\
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
>>- Walt Kelly
\
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
>>- H. L. Mencken
\
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
\
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
will be right.
>>- G. B. Shaw
\
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
>>- Ogden Nash
\
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
\
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
believe everything positively stinks.
>>- Lew Col
\
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
\
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
>>- Dolph Sharp
\
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1) They all had moderate appetites.
2) They all came from middle class homes
3) All but two of them were dead.
\
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
>>- Ogden Nash
\
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying then without money?
>>- Ogden Nash
\
Confucius say too much.
>>- Recent Chinese Proverb
\
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
Fats Loves Madelyn
\
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
>>- W. C. Fields
\
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
>>- W. C. Fields
\
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
\
Who's on first?
\
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
>>- Mark Twain
\
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
\
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
>>- Art Hoppe
\
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
\
"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble acturiety
and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy...neither
its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
\
There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
Would you kindly direct me to hell?
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys..."
\
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
THEORY
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
\
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
\
My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
\
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
I'm Salome, moon of the East.
Here in my soul I am Sappho;
Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
I'm all of the glamorous ladies
At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
So I stay at home with a book.
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
Still behold me at your side.
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
Still you have my heart to wear.
But say my verses do not scan,
And I get me another man!
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
\
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
\
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
\
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
\
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
as Wheels.
\
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
\
He who Laughs, Lasts.
\
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
\
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
\
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
\
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
\
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
\
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
>>- Mae West
\
Famous last words:
\
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
\
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
\
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
\
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
well enough to lend to.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
\
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
\
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
\
Alone: In bad company.
\
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a
left.
\
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
\
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already
sufficiently slippery.
\
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
\
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather
we are having.
\
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
\
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
\
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
\
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
\
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
\
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
\
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
\
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
\
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
\
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
\
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
>>- Gopete Sherany
\
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
\
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
\
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
\
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
\
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
\
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
\
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
\
Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
zoology is full of surprises.
\
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
Please ignore previous fortune.
\
Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
\
...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
\
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
\
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
>>- Disraeli
\
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
>>- J. D. Salinger
\
Please take note:
\
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
>>- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
\
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
\
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
>>- Alfred Kahn
\
gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
>>- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
\
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
\
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
\
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
\
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
>>- Isaac Asimov
\
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
>>- G. B. Shaw
\
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
>>- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
\
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
\
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
\
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?
\
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
\
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
\
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
\
Did you know...
That no-one ever reads these things?
\
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
From "The Thirteen Clocks"
\
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
\
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
\
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
>>- Prof. Steiner
\
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
>>- Ashleigh Brilliant
\
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
>>- Ashleigh Brilliant
\
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
\
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
\
...But among the children of the Great Society there were
those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
\
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
\
$3,000,000
\
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
\
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
\
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
\
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
\
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
\
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
\
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
\
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
\
Those who can't write, write manuals.
\
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
Name #
\
You might have mail
\
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
\
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
\
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
\
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
\
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
\
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
\
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
\
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
\
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
\
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
\
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
\
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
child, was propounded to me by my father:
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
"A herring," said my father.
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
"So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
"Paint it."
"But a herring isn't wet."
"If its just painted its still wet."
"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
>>- Leo Rosten
\
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
>>- Yiddish saying
\
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
\
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
\
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
\
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
>>- W. C. Fields
\
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
>>- Mark Twain
\
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
\
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
change.
\
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
\
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
\
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
\
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
\
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
\
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
\
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
\
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.
\
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
\
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
\
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
\
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
\
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
\
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
\
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
\
Don't feed the bats tonight.
\
Stay away from flying saucers today.
\
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
\
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
\
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
\
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
\
Half Moon tonight. (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
\
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
\
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
\
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
\
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
\
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
\
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
\
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
\
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
\
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
executive.
\
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
\
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
\
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
\
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
\
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
\
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
\
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
\
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
to worry.
\
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
\
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
\
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
\
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
\
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
\
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
\
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
\
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
\
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
\
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
\
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
>>- Jerome Lettvin
\
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
>>- R. Geis
\
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
>>- D. J. Hicks
\
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
>>- Lazarus Long
\
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
>>- Peter S. Beagle
\
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
\
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
\
Wasting time is an important part of living.
\
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
\
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
\
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
\
Excellent time to become a missing person.
\
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
\
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
\
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
\
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
\
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
\
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
\
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
\
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
\
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
\
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
\
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
\
Avoid reality at all costs.
\
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
\
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
\
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
\
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
\
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
\
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
\
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
\
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him. He's a Commie.
\
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
"Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
-- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
>>- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
\
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
\
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
\
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
\
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
\
Vote anarchist
\
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
\
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
\
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
\
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
\
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
\
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
\
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
\
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
\
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
\
Condense soup, not books!
\
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
\
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
\
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
\
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
\
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
\
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
\
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
\
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
\
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
\
Hire the morally handicapped.
\
I can resist anything but temptation.
\
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
\
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
\
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
\
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
\
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
\
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
\
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
\
"All flesh is grass"
-- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
\
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
\
George Orwell was an optimist.
\
Chicken Little was right.
\
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
\
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
\
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
\
Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead.
\
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
\
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
\
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
\
Brain fried -- Core dumped
\
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
\
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
\
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
\
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
\
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
\
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
\
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
\
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
\
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
>>- Salvor Hardin
\
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
\
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
\
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
\
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
\
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
\
Down with categorical imperative!
\
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
\
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
\
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
\
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
\
Lysistrata had a good idea.
\
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
\
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
\
Familiarity breeds attempt
\
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
\
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
\
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
\
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
\
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
\
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
\
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
\
God is a polythiest
\
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
\
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
\
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
\
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
\
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
\
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
\
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
\
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
\
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
\
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
>>- Albert Einstein
\
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
>>- R. Geis
\
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
>>- Lewis Carroll
\
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
>>- Hawkwind
\
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
\
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
\
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
\
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
\
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
\
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
>>- Lily Tomlin
\
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
\
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
>>- Albert Einstein
\
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
>>- Pope John Paul I
\
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
>>- Clint Eastwood
\
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"obius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
\
...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
>>- A. E. Housman
\
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
\
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
\
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
\
System/3! System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
\
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
\
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
\
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
\
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
\
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
\
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
\
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
\
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."
>>- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
\
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
\
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
>>- Foolish Dictionary
\
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
\
Accuracy: The vice of being right
\
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
\
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
\
Adult: One old enough to know better.
\
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
>>- Thomas Jefferson
\
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
>>- La Rouchefoucauld
\
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
\
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
>>- Peggy Joyce
\
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
>>- Charlie McCarthy
\
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
>>- John O'Hara
\
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
\
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
>>- Mickey Mouse
\
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
\
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
\
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
\
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
>>- Don Quinn
\
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
>>- Mark Twain
\
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
\
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
\
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
\
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
>>- Fred Allen
\
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
\
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
\
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
\
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
\
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
>>- Herbert Prochnow
\
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
\
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
\
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
>>- H. L. Mencken
\
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
>>- H. L. Mencken
\
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
\
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
>>- Clarence Darrow
\
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
>>- John McNulty
\
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
\
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
>>- G. B. Shaw
\
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
>>- Senator Soaper
\
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
>>- Elbert Hubbard
\
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
\
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
\
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
>>- Bellamy Brooks
\
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
\
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
>>- F. P. Jones
\
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
>>- Macy's
\
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
\
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
\
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
>>- Oscar Wilde
\
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
>>- Maxwell Smart
\
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
\
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
\
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
>>- Bert Whitney
\
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
\
Hindsight is an exact science.
\
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
\
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
\
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
\
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
>>- Reverend Chichester
\
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
\
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
\
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.
This person must be fired.
\
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
\
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
\
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
\
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
\
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
\
DeVries' Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
\
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
\
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
\
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
once.
2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
\
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
\
Jones' First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
\
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
\
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
\
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
\
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
other.
\
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.
\
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
except study for that instructor's course.
\
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
\
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
\
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
\
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
\
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
$19.95.
\
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
\
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
\
Arthur's Laws of Love:
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
of yourself in person.
\
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or
it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
\
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
\
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
\
Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
\
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
\
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
\
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
\
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
\
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
\
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
\
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
\
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
\
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
>>- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
\
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
>>- Groucho Marx
\
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
>>- Groucho Marx
\
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
>>- Adlai Stevenson
\
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
>>- John Ciardi
\
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
\
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
>>- Jules de Gaultier
\
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
\
Justice: A decision in your favor.
\
Kin: An affliction of the blood
\
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
\
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
\
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
\
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
\
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
>>- Mark Twain
\
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
>>- Oscar Wilde
\
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
\
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
\
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
>>- Ambrose Bierce
\
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
>>- Anatole France
\
BLISS is ignorance
\
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
Cinnamon
Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
>>- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
\
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
\
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
\
Predestination was doomed from the start.
\
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
>>- Carl Zwanzig
\
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
\
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
\
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
\
Love is sentimental measles.
\
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
\
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
\
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
\
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
\
"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
\
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
>>- Winston Churchill
\
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
>>- Hilaire Belloc
\
The three laws of thermodynamics:
The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
even.
The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
\
Famous last words:
1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
2) "You and what army?"
3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
a cop."
\
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
in kernel as it is in user!
\
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
the light comes on.
\
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie
a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again. People think you are stupid.
\
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
\
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very
nice.
\
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
\
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing
incest.
\
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
\
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
\
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
\
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
\
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
\
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
\
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
\
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
\
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
\
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
\
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
\
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
\
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
\
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
\
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
>>- Mark Twain
\
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
>>- George Bernard Shaw
\
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his
decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
\
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
130 midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on
his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
\
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
>>- Walt Kelly
\
Laetrile is the pits
\
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
\
There's no future in time travel
\
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
\
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
\
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
\
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
\
"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
\
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
>>- Bruce Leverett
"Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
\
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
\
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
\
Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from
FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to
frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
\
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
\
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
\
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
\
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
\
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the
shortest, though.
\
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
\
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
>>- Elbert Hubbard
\
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
\
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
>>- Albert Einstein
\
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
>>- Eleanor Roosevelt
\
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
\
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
\
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
\
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
>>- Bill Hoest
\
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
\
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
\
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
\
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
\
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
\
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
\
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
\
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I
hope I don't get run over again.
\
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
\
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
\
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
\
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
\
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
\
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
\
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
\
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
\
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
\
Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
\
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
\
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
>>- Gigo
\
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
\
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
\
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
>>- Dorothy Parker
\
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
>>- Mark Twain
\
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
>>- Henry Kissinger
\
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
>>-Oscar Wilde
\
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
>>- Oscar Wilde
\
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
>>- Herbert Hoover
\
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
>>- Oscar Wilde
\
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
>>- Lewis Carroll
\
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
>>- Woody Allen.
\
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
>>- Oscar Wilde
\
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
>>- Joe Walsh
\
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
\
JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
by Mark Isaak
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
\
THE STORY OF CREATION
or
THE MYTH OF URK
In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt...
>>- Rico Tudor
\
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
>>- Lazarus Long
\
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
\
Only God can make random selections.
\
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
>>- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
\
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
\
Kinkler's First Law:
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Kinkler's Second Law:
All the easy problems have been solved.
\
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
>>- Bertold Brecht
\
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
\
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
\
University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
\
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
\
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
\
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
>>- Mark Twain
\
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
\
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
\
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
\
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
\
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
\
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
\
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
\
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
\
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
\
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
\
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
\
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
\
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
>>- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
\
Chicken Soup: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
this?
Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u
can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow....
Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
think not, my friend, I think not.
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
"I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
"Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are _v_e_r_y Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
goyish. Lime soda is _v_e_r_y goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them..."
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy
retail."
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's
still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
the the difference between life and death.
You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little...no, a little
more...that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
>>- Arthur Naiman
\
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
he's nobody!"
\
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
>>- Paul McCracken
\
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
>>- W. Somerset Maughm
\
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
>>- George Saunders' dying words
\
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
>>- John Barrymore's dying words
\
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
\
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
\
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
\
Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
\
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
written and another for which it wasn't.
\
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
him up.
\
Optimization hinders evolution.
\
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
\
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how _n_o_t to. So it is with the great programmers.
\
Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
\
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
works.
\
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
\
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
\
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
\
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
nothing of interest is easy.
\
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
\
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
\
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
\
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
\
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded: That the whole point is to always see it as a
soap bubble?
\
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
\
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
\
Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also
easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
improve.
\
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
\
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
\
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
automation?
\
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
\
Be different: conform.
\
Save energy: be apathetic.
\
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
>>- Kehlog Albran
\
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
\
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
himself.
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
>>- Kehlog Albran
\
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
\
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
And he answered:
It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for
existence.
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their
backs.
It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
And that is Fate? said the priest.
Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know
what Freight was too.
>>- Kehlog Albran
\
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
>>- Kehlog Albran
\
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
>>- Kehlog Albran
\
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
>>- Kehlog Albran
\
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
>>- Dr. Who
\
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets"
>>- The Brigader, from Dr. Who
\
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!
\
They also surf who only stand on waves.
\
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
>>- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
\
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
>>- Alan Perlis
\
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran.
>>- Alan Perlis
\
A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
>>- Alan Perlis
\
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
>>- Alan Perlis
\
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
>>- Alan Perlis
\
"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once
punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
bazingas, and such."
>>- N. Meyrowitz
\
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
\
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
>>- Aelius Donatus
\
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
\
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
>>- Voltaire
\
The superfluous is very necessary.
>>- Voltaire
\
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
>>- Voltaire
\
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
\
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
\
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
>>- A. P. Herbert
\
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
>>- Trotsky
\
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
>>- Gore Vidal
\
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
\
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
\
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
>>- Frederick Locker-Lampson
\
"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
>>- Ogden Nash
\
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
>>- Jules Feiffer
\
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
\
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
\
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
>>- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
\
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
>>- H. L. Mencken
\
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
\
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
>>- Wernher von Braun
\
My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
\
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
\
"Grub first, then ethics."
>>- Bertolt Brecht
\
"I drink to make other people interesting."
>>- George Jean Nathan
\
DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
You are a fluke of the universe...
You have no right to be here.
Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
Is laughing behind your back.
\
\
I sent a letter to the fish,
I told them, "This is what I wish."
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes' answer was
"We cannot do it, sir, because..."
I sent a letter back to say
It would be better to obey.
But someone came to me and said
"The little fishes are in bed."
I said to him, and I said it plain
"Then you must wake them up again."
I said it very loud and clear,
I went and shouted in his ear.
But he was very stiff and proud,
He said "You needn't shout so loud."
And he was very proud and stiff,
He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
I took a kettle from the shelf,
I went to wake them up myself.
But when I found the door was locked
I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, But...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
\
"Pascal is not a high-level language."
>>- Steven Feiner
\
E Pluribus Unix
\
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
\
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
\
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
>>- Edgar A. Shoaff
\
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
\
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
\
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
importance.
\
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
\
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
\
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
\
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
\
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
\
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
\
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
\
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
\
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
\
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
\
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
\
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
\
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
\
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
\
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
>>- Andrew Young
\
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
>>- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
\
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
>>- J. Paul Getty
\
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
>>- Milton Friedman
\
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
\
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
>>- Gloria Steinem
\
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
>>- Pogo
\
Nothing recedes like success.
>>- Walter Winchell
\
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
>>- Isaac Asimov
\
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
>>- Lily Tomlin
\
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
>>- Russell Long
\
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
>>- Joseph Heller
\
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
>>- Snoopy
\
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
>>- Earl Wilson
\
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
\
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
error.
>>- John Kenneth Galbraith
\
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
>>- John Kenneth Galbraith
\
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
>>- Frank Lloyd Wright
\
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
>>- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
\
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
>>- Eric Hoffer
\
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.
>>- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
\
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
>>- Richard Nixon
\
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
\
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
\
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
\
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
>>- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
\
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
>>- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
\
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.
Yours faithfully,
Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
Sevenoaks
\
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
fact, for he merely said:
"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
because it is impossible."
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
>>- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
\
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
\
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
\
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
\
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
>>- Art Linkletter
\
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
>>- Frank Zappa
\
Justice is incidental to law and order.
>>- J. Edgar Hoover
\
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together.
>>- Sir Peter Medawar
\
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
\
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
\
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
stood lookout.
\
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
\
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."
>>- Alexander Haig
\
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.
\
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
>>- Woody Allen
\
"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
>>- Jeff Berner
\
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
\
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
\
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
\
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
`fortune'. Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug....
\
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
>>- Voltaire
\
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
\
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
\
SEMINARS: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
\
POLITICIAN: From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
>>- Martin Pitt
\
CALIFORNIA: From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
>>- Ed Moran, Covina, California
\
ETYMOLOGY: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
that were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to
swallow."
>>- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota
\
Another Glitch in the Call
>>------ ------ -- --- ----
(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
\
Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
\
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
\
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
\
Bumper sticker:
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
\
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
>>- Lewis Carrol
\
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
\
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea...
>>- Douglas Adams
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
\
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point B are so keen to get t_h_e_r_e_. They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
>>- Douglas Adams
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
\
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
\
Virtue is its own punishment.
\
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
\
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
\
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
\
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
\
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
\
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
\
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
\
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
\
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
\
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
\
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
\
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
\
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
\
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
\
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
\
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
\
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
\
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
\
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
\
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
\
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.
\
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
\
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
fence.
\
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
\
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
\
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
\
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
\
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
\
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
\
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
\
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
\
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
\
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
\
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
\
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
\
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
\
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
\
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
\
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and
the real reason.
\
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
\
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
\
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
\
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
\
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
\
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
\
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
\
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
>>- A. Einstein
\
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
>>- "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
\
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects...
\
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
>>- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
\
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
>>- Oscar Wilde
\
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
>>- Gypsy Rose Lee
\
A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
"If what?" asked the composer.
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
\
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
>>- Benjamin Disraeli
\
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
And that's your chance, my boy."
\
"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."
>>- Thomas Aldrich
\
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
>>- Winston Churchill
\
Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
it!"
\
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
>>- Samuel Johnson
\
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
>>- Oscar Wilde
\
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
>>- Mark Twain
\
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
>>- Wolfgang Pauli
\
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
\
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
\
Langsam's Laws:
1) Everything depends.
2) Nothing is always.
3) Everything is sometimes.
\
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
\
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
\
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
you.
\
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
bound to occur.
\
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
\
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
\
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
question back at him.
\
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
\
Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
\
Rule of Creative Research:
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
\
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
physician.
\
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"All your papers these days look the same;
Those William's would be better unread --
Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I wrote wonderful papers galore;
But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
Made it pointless to think any more."
\
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And make errors few people could bear;
You complain about everyone's English but yours --
Do you really think this is quite fair?"
"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
"But my stature these days is so great
That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
And to stop me it's now far too late."
\
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
And there isn't one language you like;
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
Have you thought about taking a hike?"
"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
"Every language looks equally bad;
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
And don't realize that they've been had."
\
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
That your lectures bore people to death.
Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
\
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
I speak severely to my VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
\
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
In a way, the next move is up to him.
>>- R. A. Lafferty
\
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
\
"One planet is all you get."
\
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."
>>- Dagwood Bumstead
\
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
\
Elevators smell different to midgets
\
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
\
Air is water with holes in it
\
"Every time I think I know where it's at, the move it."
\
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
\
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
\
The Roman Rule
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
\
Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything
\
Tussman's Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
\
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
\
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
\
Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
\
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
your toes.
\
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
will pick the wrong one.
Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
wrong, anyway.
\
Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
\
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
\
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
\
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
\
Goldenstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
\
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
\
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
\
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
Murphy was an optimist.
\
00000000 20 20 20 20 20 41 66 74 65 72 20 68 69 73 20 49 | After his I|
00000010 67 6e 6f 62 6c 65 20 44 69 73 67 72 61 63 65 2c |gnoble Disgrace,|
00000020 20 53 61 74 61 6e 20 77 61 73 20 62 65 69 6e 67 | Satan was being|
00000030 20 65 78 70 65 6c 6c 65 64 20 66 72 6f 6d 0a 48 | expelled from.H|
00000040 65 61 76 65 6e 2e 20 20 41 73 20 68 65 20 70 61 |eaven. As he pa|
00000050 73 73 65 64 20 74 68 72 6f 75 67 68 20 74 68 65 |ssed through the|
00000060 20 47 61 74 65 73 2c 20 68 65 20 70 61 75 73 65 | Gates, he pause|
00000070 64 20 61 20 6d 6f 6d 65 6e 74 20 69 6e 20 74 68 |d a moment in th|
00000080 6f 75 67 68 74 2c 0a 61 6e 64 20 74 75 72 6e 65 |ought,.and turne|
00000090 64 20 74 6f 20 47 6f 64 20 61 6e 64 20 73 61 69 |d to God and sai|
000000a0 64 2c 20 22 41 20 6e 65 77 20 63 72 65 61 74 75 |d, "A new creatu|
000000b0 72 65 20 63 61 6c 6c 65 64 20 4d 61 6e 2c 20 49 |re called Man, I|
000000c0 20 68 65 61 72 2c 20 69 73 20 73 6f 6f 6e 0a 74 | hear, is soon.t|
000000d0 6f 20 62 65 20 63 72 65 61 74 65 64 2e 22 0a 20 |o be created.". |
000000e0 20 20 20 20 22 54 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 74 72 75 | "This is tru|
000000f0 65 2c 22 20 48 65 20 72 65 70 6c 69 65 64 2e 0a |e," He replied..|
00000100 20 20 20 20 20 22 48 65 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 6e 65 | "He will ne|
00000110 65 64 20 6c 61 77 73 2c 22 20 73 61 69 64 20 74 |ed laws," said t|
00000120 68 65 20 44 65 6d 6f 6e 20 73 6c 79 6c 79 2e 0a |he Demon slyly..|
00000130 20 20 20 20 20 22 57 68 61 74 21 20 20 59 6f 75 | "What! You|
00000140 2c 20 68 69 73 20 61 70 70 6f 69 6e 74 65 64 20 |, his appointed |
00000150 45 6e 65 6d 79 20 66 6f 72 20 61 6c 6c 20 54 69 |Enemy for all Ti|
00000160 6d 65 21 20 20 59 6f 75 20 61 73 6b 20 66 6f 72 |me! You ask for|
00000170 20 74 68 65 0a 72 69 67 68 74 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 | the.right to ma|
00000180 6b 65 20 68 69 73 20 6c 61 77 73 3f 22 0a 20 20 |ke his laws?". |
00000190 20 20 20 22 4f 68 2c 20 6e 6f 21 22 20 53 61 74 | "Oh, no!" Sat|
000001a0 61 6e 20 72 65 70 6c 69 65 64 2c 20 22 49 20 61 |an replied, "I a|
000001b0 73 6b 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 74 68 61 74 20 68 65 20 |sk only that he |
000001c0 62 65 20 61 6c 6c 6f 77 65 64 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 |be allowed to ma|
000001d0 6b 65 0a 68 69 73 20 6f 77 6e 2e 22 0a 20 20 20 |ke.his own.". |
000001e0 20 20 49 74 20 77 61 73 20 73 6f 20 67 72 61 6e | It was so gran|
000001f0 74 65 64 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 6e 6b 3a 20 41 20 76 69 |ted..\.Ink: A vi|
00000200 6c 6c 61 69 6e 6f 75 73 20 63 6f 6d 70 6f 75 6e |llainous compoun|
00000210 64 20 6f 66 20 74 61 6e 6e 6f 67 61 6c 6c 61 74 |d of tannogallat|
00000220 65 20 6f 66 20 69 72 6f 6e 2c 20 67 75 6d 2d 61 |e of iron, gum-a|
00000230 72 61 62 69 63 2c 20 61 6e 64 0a 77 61 74 65 72 |rabic, and.water|
00000240 2c 20 63 68 69 65 66 6c 79 20 75 73 65 64 20 74 |, chiefly used t|
00000250 6f 20 66 61 63 69 6c 69 74 61 74 65 20 74 68 65 |o facilitate the|
00000260 20 69 6e 66 65 63 74 69 6f 6e 20 6f 66 20 69 64 | infection of id|
00000270 69 6f 63 79 20 61 6e 64 20 70 72 6f 6d 6f 74 65 |iocy and promote|
00000280 0a 69 6e 74 65 6c 6c 65 63 74 75 61 6c 20 63 72 |.intellectual cr|
00000290 69 6d 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 4b 6c 65 70 74 6f 6d 61 6e |ime..\.Kleptoman|
000002a0 69 61 63 3a 20 41 20 72 69 63 68 20 74 68 69 65 |iac: A rich thie|
000002b0 66 2e 0a 5c 0a 4c 61 62 6f 72 3a 20 4f 6e 65 20 |f..\.Labor: One |
000002c0 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 6f 63 65 73 73 65 73 |of the processes|
000002d0 20 62 79 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 41 20 61 63 71 75 | by which A acqu|
000002e0 69 72 65 73 20 70 72 6f 70 65 72 74 79 20 66 6f |ires property fo|
000002f0 72 20 42 2e 0a 5c 0a 4f 6e 63 65 20 4c 61 77 20 |r B..\.Once Law |
00000300 77 61 73 20 73 69 74 74 69 6e 67 20 6f 6e 20 74 |was sitting on t|
00000310 68 65 20 62 65 6e 63 68 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e |he bench. An|
00000320 64 20 4d 65 72 63 79 20 6b 6e 65 6c 74 20 61 2d |d Mercy knelt a-|
00000330 77 65 65 70 69 6e 67 2e 0a 22 43 6c 65 61 72 20 |weeping.."Clear |
00000340 6f 75 74 21 22 20 68 65 20 63 72 69 65 64 2c 20 |out!" he cried, |
00000350 22 64 69 73 6f 72 64 65 72 65 64 20 77 65 6e 63 |"disordered wenc|
00000360 68 21 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4e 6f 72 20 63 6f 6d 65 |h!. Nor come|
00000370 20 62 65 66 6f 72 65 20 6d 65 20 63 72 65 65 70 | before me creep|
00000380 69 6e 67 2e 0a 55 70 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 20 6b 6e |ing..Upon you kn|
00000390 65 65 73 20 69 66 20 79 6f 75 20 61 70 70 65 61 |ees if you appea|
000003a0 72 2c 0a 27 54 69 73 20 70 6c 61 69 6e 20 79 6f |r,.'Tis plain yo|
000003b0 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 6e 6f 20 73 74 61 6e 64 69 |u have no standi|
000003c0 6e 67 20 68 65 72 65 2e 22 0a 0a 54 68 65 6e 20 |ng here."..Then |
000003d0 4a 75 73 74 69 63 65 20 63 61 6d 65 2e 20 20 48 |Justice came. H|
000003e0 69 73 20 48 6f 6e 6f 72 20 63 72 69 65 64 3a 0a |is Honor cried:.|
000003f0 20 20 20 20 20 22 59 4f 55 52 20 73 74 61 74 65 | "YOUR state|
00000400 73 3f 20 2d 2d 20 44 65 76 69 6c 20 73 65 69 7a |s? -- Devil seiz|
00000410 65 20 79 6f 75 21 22 0a 22 41 6d 69 63 61 20 63 |e you!"."Amica c|
00000420 75 72 69 61 65 2c 22 20 73 68 65 20 72 65 70 6c |uriae," she repl|
00000430 69 65 64 20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 46 72 69 |ied --. "Fri|
00000440 65 6e 64 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 75 72 74 |end of the court|
00000450 2c 20 73 6f 20 70 6c 65 61 73 65 20 79 6f 75 2e |, so please you.|
00000460 22 0a 22 42 65 67 6f 6e 65 21 22 20 68 65 20 73 |"."Begone!" he s|
00000470 68 6f 75 74 65 64 20 2d 2d 20 22 54 68 65 72 65 |houted -- "There|
00000480 27 73 20 74 68 65 20 64 6f 6f 72 20 2d 2d 0a 49 |'s the door --.I|
00000490 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 73 61 77 20 79 6f 75 72 20 | never saw your |
000004a0 66 61 63 65 20 62 65 66 6f 72 65 21 22 0a 5c 0a |face before!".\.|
000004b0 4c 69 61 72 3a 20 41 20 6c 61 77 79 65 72 20 77 |Liar: A lawyer w|
000004c0 69 74 68 20 61 20 72 6f 76 69 6e 67 20 63 6f 6d |ith a roving com|
000004d0 6d 69 73 73 69 6f 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 61 6a 6f 72 |mission..\.Major|
000004e0 20 50 72 65 6d 69 73 65 3a 20 53 69 78 74 79 20 | Premise: Sixty |
000004f0 6d 65 6e 20 63 61 6e 20 64 6f 20 61 20 70 69 65 |men can do a pie|
00000500 63 65 20 6f 66 20 77 6f 72 6b 20 73 69 78 74 79 |ce of work sixty|
00000510 20 74 69 6d 65 73 20 61 73 20 71 75 69 63 6b 6c | times as quickl|
00000520 79 0a 20 20 20 20 20 61 73 20 6f 6e 65 20 6d 61 |y. as one ma|
00000530 6e 2e 0a 0a 4d 69 6e 6f 72 20 50 72 65 6d 69 73 |n...Minor Premis|
00000540 65 3a 20 4f 6e 65 20 6d 61 6e 20 63 61 6e 20 64 |e: One man can d|
00000550 69 67 20 61 20 70 6f 73 74 68 6f 6c 65 20 69 6e |ig a posthole in|
00000560 20 73 69 78 74 79 20 73 65 63 6f 6e 64 73 3b 0a | sixty seconds;.|
00000570 0a 43 6f 6e 63 6c 75 73 69 6f 6e 3a 20 53 69 78 |.Conclusion: Six|
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000025d0 20 20 20 57 69 74 68 20 67 65 6e 74 6c 79 20 73 | With gently s|
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00002680 48 6f 77 65 76 65 72 2c 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6e 65 |However, your ne|
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00002790 2c 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 72 69 67 68 74 3f 22 0a |, it is right?".|
000027a0 0a 22 49 6e 20 6d 79 20 79 6f 75 74 68 2c 22 20 |."In my youth," |
000027b0 66 61 74 68 65 72 20 57 69 6c 6c 69 61 6d 20 72 |father William r|
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000027d0 6e 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 22 49 20 66 65 61 72 65 64 |n,. "I feared|
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00002800 20 6e 6f 77 20 74 68 61 74 20 49 27 6d 20 70 65 | now that I'm pe|
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00002850 59 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 6f 6c 64 2c 22 20 73 61 |You are old," sa|
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00002a60 20 20 50 72 61 79 2c 20 68 6f 77 20 64 69 64 20 | Pray, how did |
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00002bd0 0a 20 20 20 20 57 68 61 74 20 6d 61 64 65 20 79 |. What made y|
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00002c30 20 20 20 53 61 69 64 20 68 69 73 20 66 61 74 68 | Said his fath|
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00002c60 44 6f 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 49 20 63 |Do you think I c|
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00002cc0 6d 65 2c 20 6c 65 74 20 75 73 20 68 61 73 74 65 |me, let us haste|
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00002e40 63 72 69 70 74 73 20 67 6f 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 |cripts go their |
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00003150 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 20 6f 75 74 20 6f 66 20 6f |program out of o|
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00003340 20 77 6f 77 21 20 20 77 6f 77 21 0a 0a 49 20 73 | wow! wow!..I s|
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000033e0 20 20 20 20 20 22 49 20 71 75 69 74 65 20 61 67 | "I quite ag|
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00003550 75 65 3a 20 6c 65 73 20 74 5e 08 6f 76 65 73 20 |ue: les t^.oves |
00003560 6c 69 62 72 69 63 69 6c 6c 65 75 78 0a 20 20 20 |libricilleux. |
00003570 20 53 65 20 67 79 72 65 6e 74 20 65 74 20 66 72 | Se gyrent et fr|
00003580 69 6c 6c 61 6e 74 20 64 61 6e 73 20 6c 65 20 67 |illant dans le g|
00003590 75 61 76 65 2c 0a 45 6e 6d 5e 08 69 6d 27 08 65 |uave,.Enm^.im'.e|
000035a0 73 20 73 6f 6e 74 20 6c 65 73 20 67 6f 75 67 65 |s sont les gouge|
000035b0 62 6f 73 71 75 65 78 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 45 74 20 |bosquex,. Et |
000035c0 6c 65 20 6d 5e 08 6f 6d 65 72 61 64 65 20 68 6f |le m^.omerade ho|
000035d0 72 67 72 61 76 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 45 73 20 62 72 69 |rgrave..\.Es bri|
000035e0 6c 69 67 20 77 61 72 2e 20 20 20 20 20 44 69 65 |lig war. Die|
000035f0 20 73 63 68 6c 69 63 68 74 65 20 54 6f 76 65 6e | schlichte Toven|
00003600 0a 20 20 20 20 57 69 72 72 74 65 6e 20 75 6e 64 |. Wirrten und|
00003610 20 77 69 6d 6d 65 6c 74 65 6e 20 69 6e 20 57 61 | wimmelten in Wa|
00003620 62 65 6e 3b 0a 55 6e 64 20 61 6c 6c 65 72 2d 6d |ben;.Und aller-m|
00003630 22 08 75 6d 73 69 67 65 20 42 75 72 67 67 6f 76 |".umsige Burggov|
00003640 65 6e 0a 20 20 20 20 44 69 72 20 6d 6f 68 6d 65 |en. Dir mohme|
00003650 6e 20 52 22 08 61 74 68 20 61 75 73 67 72 61 62 |n R".ath ausgrab|
00003660 65 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 49 20 64 6f |en..\. "I do|
00003670 6e 27 74 20 6b 6e 6f 77 20 77 68 61 74 20 79 6f |n't know what yo|
00003680 75 20 6d 65 61 6e 20 62 79 20 27 67 6c 6f 72 79 |u mean by 'glory|
00003690 2c 27 22 20 41 6c 69 63 65 20 73 61 69 64 0a 20 |,'" Alice said. |
000036a0 20 20 20 20 48 75 6d 70 74 79 20 44 75 6d 70 74 | Humpty Dumpt|
000036b0 79 20 73 6d 69 6c 65 64 20 63 6f 6e 74 65 6d 70 |y smiled contemp|
000036c0 74 75 6f 75 73 6c 79 2e 20 20 22 4f 66 20 63 6f |tuously. "Of co|
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000036e0 0a 74 69 6c 6c 20 49 20 74 65 6c 6c 20 79 6f 75 |.till I tell you|
000036f0 2e 20 20 49 20 6d 65 61 6e 74 20 27 74 68 65 72 |. I meant 'ther|
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00003710 2d 64 6f 77 6e 20 61 72 67 75 6d 65 6e 74 20 66 |-down argument f|
00003720 6f 72 0a 79 6f 75 21 27 22 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 |or.you!'". "|
00003730 42 75 74 20 67 6c 6f 72 79 20 64 6f 65 73 6e 27 |But glory doesn'|
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00003750 6e 6f 63 6b 2d 64 6f 77 6e 20 61 72 67 75 6d 65 |nock-down argume|
00003760 6e 74 2c 27 22 20 41 6c 69 63 65 0a 6f 62 6a 65 |nt,'" Alice.obje|
00003770 63 74 65 64 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 57 68 65 6e |cted.. "When|
00003780 20 49 20 75 73 65 20 61 20 77 6f 72 64 2c 22 20 | I use a word," |
00003790 48 75 6d 70 74 79 20 44 75 6d 70 74 79 20 73 61 |Humpty Dumpty sa|
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00003820 6c 69 63 65 2c 20 22 77 68 65 74 68 65 72 20 79 |lice, "whether y|
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00003860 22 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 54 68 65 20 71 75 65 73 |". "The ques|
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00003880 75 6d 70 74 79 20 44 75 6d 70 74 79 2c 20 22 77 |umpty Dumpty, "w|
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00003990 49 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6d 20 71 75 69 74 65 20 6d |I. Am quite m|
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000039b0 2d 20 41 2e 20 45 2e 20 48 6f 75 73 6d 61 6e 0a |- A. E. Housman.|
000039c0 5c 0a 53 65 64 75 63 65 64 2c 20 73 68 61 67 67 |\.Seduced, shagg|
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00003a50 53 6f 6d 65 20 73 61 76 61 67 65 2c 20 73 70 65 |Some savage, spe|
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00003f90 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 07 |................|
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00004070 41 6d 62 72 6f 73 65 20 42 69 65 72 63 65 0a 5c |Ambrose Bierce.\|
00004080 0a 49 74 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 62 65 20 61 64 76 61 |.It will be adva|
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00004100 57 6f 72 6b 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 66 20 61 6c 6c 20 62 |Work..\.If all b|
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00004120 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 2c 0a 54 68 65 72 65 20 62 65 | think,.There be|
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000042c0 64 65 76 65 6c 6f 70 2e 0a 5c 0a 4c 65 66 74 20 |develop..\.Left |
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00004310 74 69 6f 6e 20 62 72 65 65 64 73 20 6e 65 77 20 |tion breeds new |
00004320 70 72 6f 62 6c 65 6d 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 74 20 69 |problems..\.It i|
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00004370 65 6e 69 6f 75 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 4f 27 54 6f 6f 6c |enious..\.O'Tool|
00004380 65 27 73 20 63 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 61 72 79 20 6f |e's commentary o|
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000043a0 20 20 20 20 20 22 4d 75 72 70 68 79 20 77 61 73 | "Murphy was|
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000043c0 0a 42 6f 6c 69 6e 67 27 73 20 70 6f 73 74 75 6c |.Boling's postul|
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000043f0 2c 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 77 6f 72 72 79 2e 20 20 |, don't worry. |
00004400 59 6f 75 27 6c 6c 20 67 65 74 20 6f 76 65 72 20 |You'll get over |
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00004420 69 6e 67 73 20 61 70 70 65 61 72 20 74 6f 20 62 |ings appear to b|
00004430 65 20 67 6f 69 6e 67 20 62 65 74 74 65 72 2c 20 |e going better, |
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00004460 0a 49 66 20 79 6f 75 20 65 78 70 6c 61 69 6e 20 |.If you explain |
00004470 73 6f 20 63 6c 65 61 72 6c 79 20 74 68 61 74 20 |so clearly that |
00004480 6e 6f 62 6f 64 79 20 63 61 6e 20 6d 69 73 75 6e |nobody can misun|
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000044a0 64 79 0a 77 69 6c 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 53 63 6f 74 74 |dy.will..\.Scott|
000044b0 27 73 20 66 69 72 73 74 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 |'s first Law:. |
000044c0 20 20 20 4e 6f 20 6d 61 74 74 65 72 20 77 68 61 | No matter wha|
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00004a70 20 59 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 65 76 65 6e 20 | You can't even |
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00007470 65 6c 69 61 3a 0a 4f 70 65 20 6e 6f 74 20 74 68 |elia:.Ope not th|
00007480 79 20 70 6f 6e 64 65 72 6f 75 73 20 61 6e 64 20 |y ponderous and |
00007490 6d 61 72 62 6c 65 20 6a 61 77 73 2c 0a 42 75 74 |marble jaws,.But|
000074a0 20 67 65 74 20 74 68 65 65 20 74 6f 20 61 20 6e | get thee to a n|
000074b0 75 6e 6e 65 72 79 20 2d 2d 20 67 6f 21 0a 3e 3e |unnery -- go!.>>|
000074c0 2d 20 4d 61 72 6b 20 22 54 68 65 20 42 61 72 64 |- Mark "The Bard|
000074d0 22 20 54 77 61 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 |" Twain.\. "|
000074e0 49 20 63 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 72 65 61 64 20 74 68 |I cannot read th|
000074f0 65 20 66 69 65 72 79 20 6c 65 74 74 65 72 73 2c |e fiery letters,|
00007500 22 20 73 61 69 64 20 46 72 6f 64 6f 20 69 6e 20 |" said Frodo in |
00007510 61 20 71 75 61 76 65 72 69 6e 67 0a 76 6f 69 63 |a quavering.voic|
00007520 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 4e 6f 2c 22 20 53 61 |e.. "No," Sa|
00007530 69 64 20 47 61 6e 64 61 6c 66 2c 20 22 62 75 74 |id Gandalf, "but|
00007540 20 49 20 63 61 6e 2e 20 20 54 68 65 20 6c 65 74 | I can. The let|
00007550 74 65 72 73 20 61 72 65 20 45 6c 76 69 73 68 2c |ters are Elvish,|
00007560 20 6f 66 0a 63 6f 75 72 73 65 2c 20 6f 66 20 61 | of.course, of a|
00007570 6e 20 61 6e 63 69 65 6e 74 20 6d 6f 64 65 2c 20 |n ancient mode, |
00007580 62 75 74 20 74 68 65 20 6c 61 6e 67 75 61 67 65 |but the language|
00007590 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 6f 66 20 4d 6f 72 64 | is that of Mord|
000075a0 6f 72 2c 20 77 68 69 63 68 0a 49 20 77 69 6c 6c |or, which.I will|
000075b0 20 6e 6f 74 20 75 74 74 65 72 20 68 65 72 65 2e | not utter here.|
000075c0 20 20 54 68 65 79 20 61 72 65 20 6c 69 6e 65 73 | They are lines|
000075d0 20 6f 66 20 61 20 76 65 72 73 65 20 6c 6f 6e 67 | of a verse long|
000075e0 20 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 20 69 6e 0a 45 6c 76 65 6e 2d | known in.Elven-|
000075f0 6c 6f 72 65 3a 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 54 68 69 |lore:.. "Thi|
00007600 73 20 52 69 6e 67 2c 20 6e 6f 20 6f 74 68 65 72 |s Ring, no other|
00007610 2c 20 69 73 20 6d 61 64 65 20 62 79 20 74 68 65 |, is made by the|
00007620 20 65 6c 76 65 73 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 57 68 6f | elves,. Who|
00007630 27 64 20 70 61 77 6e 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 6f 77 |'d pawn their ow|
00007640 6e 20 6d 6f 74 68 65 72 20 74 6f 20 67 72 61 62 |n mother to grab|
00007650 20 69 74 20 74 68 65 6d 73 65 6c 76 65 73 2e 0a | it themselves..|
00007660 20 20 20 20 20 52 75 6c 65 72 20 6f 66 20 63 72 | Ruler of cr|
00007670 65 65 70 65 72 2c 20 6d 6f 72 74 61 6c 2c 20 61 |eeper, mortal, a|
00007680 6e 64 20 73 63 61 6c 6c 6f 70 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 |nd scallop,. |
00007690 20 54 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 61 20 73 6c 65 65 70 | This is a sleep|
000076a0 65 72 20 74 68 61 74 20 70 61 63 6b 73 20 71 75 |er that packs qu|
000076b0 69 74 65 20 61 20 77 61 6c 6c 6f 70 2e 0a 20 20 |ite a wallop.. |
000076c0 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 50 6f 77 65 72 20 61 6c 6d | The Power alm|
000076d0 69 67 68 74 79 20 72 65 73 74 73 20 69 6e 20 74 |ighty rests in t|
000076e0 68 69 73 20 4c 6f 6e 65 20 52 69 6e 67 2e 0a 20 |his Lone Ring.. |
000076f0 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 50 6f 77 65 72 2c 20 61 | The Power, a|
00007700 6c 72 69 67 68 74 79 2c 20 66 6f 72 20 64 6f 69 |lrighty, for doi|
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00007720 67 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 66 20 62 72 6f 6b 65 |g.. If broke|
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00007750 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 66 20 66 6f 75 6e 64 2c |.. If found,|
00007760 20 73 65 6e 64 20 74 6f 20 53 6f 72 68 65 64 20 | send to Sorhed |
00007770 28 77 69 74 68 20 70 6f 73 74 61 67 65 20 70 72 |(with postage pr|
00007780 65 70 61 69 64 29 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 22 57 68 79 20 |epaid).".\."Why |
00007790 69 73 20 69 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 65 20 72 65 |is it that we re|
000077a0 6a 6f 69 63 65 20 61 74 20 61 20 62 69 72 74 68 |joice at a birth|
000077b0 20 61 6e 64 20 67 72 69 65 76 65 20 61 74 20 61 | and grieve at a|
000077c0 20 66 75 6e 65 72 61 6c 3f 20 20 49 74 20 69 73 | funeral? It is|
000077d0 0a 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 77 65 20 61 72 65 20 |.because we are |
000077e0 6e 6f 74 20 74 68 65 20 70 65 72 73 6f 6e 20 69 |not the person i|
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00007800 6b 20 54 77 61 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 22 2e 2e 2e 61 6e |k Twain.\."...an|
00007810 20 65 78 70 65 72 69 65 6e 63 65 64 2c 20 69 6e | experienced, in|
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00007840 71 75 69 74 65 20 6f 66 74 65 6e 0a 70 69 63 74 |quite often.pict|
00007850 75 72 65 73 71 75 65 20 6c 69 61 72 2e 22 0a 3e |uresque liar.".>|
00007860 3e 2d 20 4d 61 72 6b 20 54 77 61 69 6e 0a 5c 0a |>- Mark Twain.\.|
00007870 49 20 77 61 73 20 67 72 61 74 69 66 69 65 64 20 |I was gratified |
00007880 74 6f 20 62 65 20 61 62 6c 65 20 74 6f 20 61 6e |to be able to an|
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000078b0 64 20 49 0a 64 69 64 6e 27 74 20 6b 6e 6f 77 2e |d I.didn't know.|
000078c0 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4d 61 72 6b 20 54 77 61 69 6e 0a |.>>- Mark Twain.|
000078d0 5c 0a 22 2e 2e 2e 61 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 20 6d 6f |\."...all the mo|
000078e0 64 65 72 6e 20 69 6e 63 6f 6e 76 65 6e 69 65 6e |dern inconvenien|
000078f0 63 65 73 2e 2e 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4d 61 72 6b |ces...".>>- Mark|
00007900 20 54 77 61 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 57 65 20 68 61 76 65 | Twain.\.We have|
00007910 20 6d 65 74 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 65 6d 79 2c 20 | met the enemy, |
00007920 61 6e 64 20 68 65 20 69 73 20 75 73 2e 0a 3e 3e |and he is us..>>|
00007930 2d 20 57 61 6c 74 20 4b 65 6c 6c 79 0a 5c 0a 22 |- Walt Kelly.\."|
00007940 48 75 6d 6f 72 20 69 73 20 61 20 64 72 75 67 20 |Humor is a drug |
00007950 77 68 69 63 68 20 69 74 27 73 20 74 68 65 20 66 |which it's the f|
00007960 61 73 68 69 6f 6e 20 74 6f 20 61 62 75 73 65 2e |ashion to abuse.|
00007970 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 69 6c 6c 69 61 6d 20 47 69 |".>>- William Gi|
00007980 6c 62 65 72 74 0a 5c 0a 4d 65 6e 63 6b 65 6e 20 |lbert.\.Mencken |
00007990 61 6e 64 20 4e 61 74 68 61 6e 27 73 20 53 65 63 |and Nathan's Sec|
000079a0 6f 6e 64 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 54 68 65 20 41 |ond Law of The A|
000079b0 76 65 72 61 67 65 20 41 6d 65 72 69 63 61 6e 3a |verage American:|
000079c0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 20 70 6f |. All the po|
000079d0 73 74 6d 61 73 74 65 72 73 20 69 6e 20 73 6d 61 |stmasters in sma|
000079e0 6c 6c 20 74 6f 77 6e 73 20 72 65 61 64 20 61 6c |ll towns read al|
000079f0 6c 20 74 68 65 20 70 6f 73 74 63 61 72 64 73 2e |l the postcards.|
00007a00 0a 5c 0a 4d 65 6e 63 6b 65 6e 20 61 6e 64 20 4e |.\.Mencken and N|
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00007a20 77 20 6f 66 20 54 68 65 20 41 76 65 72 61 67 65 |w of The Average|
00007a30 20 41 6d 65 72 69 63 61 6e 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 | American:. |
00007a40 54 68 65 20 71 75 61 6c 69 74 79 20 6f 66 20 61 |The quality of a|
00007a50 20 63 68 61 6d 70 61 67 6e 65 20 69 73 20 6a 75 | champagne is ju|
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00007a80 20 20 20 20 20 63 6f 72 6b 20 6d 61 6b 65 73 20 | cork makes |
00007a90 77 68 65 6e 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 70 6f 70 70 65 |when it is poppe|
00007aa0 64 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 65 6e 63 6b 65 6e 20 61 6e 64 |d..\.Mencken and|
00007ab0 20 4e 61 74 68 61 6e 27 73 20 46 69 66 74 65 65 | Nathan's Fiftee|
00007ac0 6e 74 68 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 54 68 65 20 41 |nth Law of The A|
00007ad0 76 65 72 61 67 65 20 41 6d 65 72 69 63 61 6e 3a |verage American:|
00007ae0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 77 6f 72 73 74 20 |. The worst |
00007af0 61 63 74 72 65 73 73 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 63 |actress in the c|
00007b00 6f 6d 70 61 6e 79 20 69 73 20 61 6c 77 61 79 73 |ompany is always|
00007b10 20 74 68 65 20 6d 61 6e 61 67 65 72 27 73 20 77 | the manager's w|
00007b20 69 66 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 65 6e 63 6b 65 6e 20 61 |ife..\.Mencken a|
00007b30 6e 64 20 4e 61 74 68 61 6e 27 73 20 53 69 78 74 |nd Nathan's Sixt|
00007b40 65 65 6e 74 68 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 54 68 65 |eenth Law of The|
00007b50 20 41 76 65 72 61 67 65 20 41 6d 65 72 69 63 61 | Average America|
00007b60 6e 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4d 69 6c 6b 69 6e 67 20 |n:. Milking |
00007b70 61 20 63 6f 77 20 69 73 20 61 6e 20 6f 70 65 72 |a cow is an oper|
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00007b90 61 20 73 70 65 63 69 61 6c 20 74 61 6c 65 6e 74 |a special talent|
00007ba0 20 74 68 61 74 0a 20 20 20 20 20 69 73 20 70 6f | that. is po|
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00007bf0 63 61 6e 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 68 6f 70 65 20 74 |can never hope t|
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00007c10 48 61 72 6b 2c 20 74 68 65 20 48 65 72 61 6c 64 |Hark, the Herald|
00007c20 20 54 72 69 62 75 6e 65 20 73 69 6e 67 73 2c 0a | Tribune sings,.|
00007c30 41 64 76 65 72 74 69 73 69 6e 67 20 77 6f 6e 64 |Advertising wond|
00007c40 72 6f 75 73 20 74 68 69 6e 67 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 |rous things..\.A|
00007c50 6e 67 65 6c 73 20 77 65 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 65 |ngels we have he|
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00007c70 20 75 73 20 74 6f 20 67 6f 20 6f 75 74 20 61 6e | us to go out an|
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00007c90 61 63 68 65 72 2c 20 74 68 65 20 50 6f 6c 69 74 |acher, the Polit|
00007ca0 69 63 61 69 6e 2c 20 74 68 65 20 54 65 61 63 68 |icain, the Teach|
00007cb0 65 72 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 57 65 72 65 20 65 61 |er,. Were ea|
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00007ce0 64 2c 20 69 6e 64 65 65 64 2c 20 69 73 20 61 20 |d, indeed, is a |
00007cf0 77 6f 6e 64 65 72 66 75 6c 20 63 72 65 61 74 75 |wonderful creatu|
00007d00 72 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 44 6f 20 49 20 77 61 |re.. Do I wa|
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00007d20 62 69 64 64 69 65 21 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4f 67 64 |biddie!..>>- Ogd|
00007d30 65 6e 20 4e 61 73 68 0a 5c 0a 57 68 6f 20 6d 61 |en Nash.\.Who ma|
00007d40 64 65 20 74 68 65 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 20 49 20 63 |de the world I c|
00007d50 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 74 65 6c 6c 3b 0a 27 54 69 73 |annot tell;.'Tis|
00007d60 20 6d 61 64 65 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 68 65 72 65 20 | made, and here |
00007d70 61 6d 20 49 20 69 6e 20 68 65 6c 6c 2e 0a 4d 79 |am I in hell..My|
00007d80 20 68 61 6e 64 2c 20 74 68 6f 75 67 68 20 6e 6f | hand, though no|
00007d90 77 20 6d 79 20 6b 6e 75 63 6b 6c 65 73 20 62 6c |w my knuckles bl|
00007da0 65 65 64 2c 0a 49 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 73 6f 69 |eed,.I never soi|
00007db0 6c 65 64 20 77 69 74 68 20 73 75 63 68 20 61 20 |led with such a |
00007dc0 64 65 65 64 2e 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 2e 20 45 2e |deed...>>- A. E.|
00007dd0 20 48 6f 75 73 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 46 61 6d 69 6c | Housman.\.Famil|
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00007e30 76 69 6e 67 20 77 72 65 63 6b 65 64 20 6d 79 20 |ving wrecked my |
00007e40 77 68 6f 6c 65 20 6c 69 66 65 2c 0a 4f 6e 6c 79 |whole life,.Only|
00007e50 20 68 6f 70 65 20 74 68 65 20 62 61 62 79 20 77 | hope the baby w|
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00007e80 68 65 6e 20 68 65 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 63 72 6f 77 |hen he will crow|
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00007ea0 65 0a 42 79 20 62 65 63 6f 6d 69 6e 67 20 61 20 |e.By becoming a |
00007eb0 43 61 62 69 6e 65 74 20 4d 69 6e 69 73 74 65 72 |Cabinet Minister|
00007ec0 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 53 75 20 54 75 6e 67 2d 70 27 |..>>- Su Tung-p'|
00007ed0 6f 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 68 75 6d 61 6e 20 61 6e |o.\.The human an|
00007ee0 69 6d 61 6c 20 64 69 66 66 65 72 73 20 66 72 6f |imal differs fro|
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00007f20 66 20 22 54 65 6e 20 42 65 73 74 22 2e 0a 3e 3e |f "Ten Best"..>>|
00007f30 2d 20 48 2e 20 41 6c 6c 65 6e 20 53 6d 69 74 68 |- H. Allen Smith|
00007f40 0a 5c 0a 77 65 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 69 6e 76 65 6e |.\.we will inven|
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00007f90 68 69 6e 67 73 20 77 65 20 75 73 65 64 20 74 6f |hings we used to|
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00008060 66 6f 72 20 61 6c 6c 20 69 6c 6c 2d 74 72 65 61 |for all ill-trea|
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00008080 20 55 6e 62 6f 72 6e 20 61 6e 64 20 75 6e 62 65 | Unborn and unbe|
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000080a0 20 72 65 61 64 20 77 68 65 6e 20 74 68 65 79 27 | read when they'|
000080b0 72 65 20 69 6e 20 74 72 6f 75 62 6c 65 0a 20 20 |re in trouble. |
000080c0 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 49 20 61 6d 20 6e 6f 74 2e | And I am not.|
000080d0 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 2e 20 45 2e 20 48 6f 75 73 6d |.>>- A. E. Housm|
000080e0 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 22 54 65 72 65 6e 63 65 2c 20 74 |an.\."Terence, t|
000080f0 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 73 74 75 70 69 64 20 73 74 |his is stupid st|
00008100 75 66 66 3a 0a 59 6f 75 20 65 61 74 20 79 6f 75 |uff:.You eat you|
00008110 72 20 76 69 63 74 75 61 6c 73 20 66 61 73 74 20 |r victuals fast |
00008120 65 6e 6f 75 67 68 3b 0a 54 68 65 72 65 20 63 61 |enough;.There ca|
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00008140 73 2c 20 27 74 69 73 20 63 6c 65 61 72 2c 0a 54 |s, 'tis clear,.T|
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00008170 65 72 2e 0a 42 75 74 20 6f 68 2c 20 67 6f 6f 64 |er..But oh, good|
00008180 20 4c 6f 72 64 2c 20 74 68 65 20 76 65 72 73 65 | Lord, the verse|
00008190 20 79 6f 75 20 6d 61 6b 65 2c 0a 49 74 20 67 69 | you make,.It gi|
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000082c0 74 6f 2c 20 6c 61 64 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 2e |to, lad.".>>- A.|
000082d0 20 45 2e 20 48 6f 75 73 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 4e 6f | E. Housman.\.No|
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00008310 73 74 61 72 2c 20 6c 69 76 65 64 20 74 68 65 0a |star, lived the.|
00008320 53 74 65 65 6c 79 70 69 70 73 2c 20 69 6c 6c 75 |Steelypips, illu|
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00008b80 20 74 68 65 20 73 74 72 65 65 74 20 70 6f 70 73 | the street pops|
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00008cf0 72 65 21 20 20 54 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 6a 75 73 |re! This is jus|
00008d00 74 20 61 20 6e 6f 74 65 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 6d 65 |t a note from me|
00008d10 2c 20 74 6f 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 74 6f 20 74 65 6c |, to you, to tel|
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00008d40 6f 74 65 2c 20 74 68 61 74 20 49 20 63 61 6e 27 |ote, that I can'|
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00008da0 6c 20 67 6f 20 68 6f 6d 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 72 6e |l go home..\.Arn|
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00008dc0 63 75 6d 65 6e 74 61 74 69 6f 6e 3a 0a 20 20 20 |cumentation:. |
00008dd0 20 20 31 29 20 49 66 20 69 74 20 73 68 6f 75 6c | 1) If it shoul|
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00008df0 6e 27 74 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 32 29 20 49 66 20 |n't.. 2) If |
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00008e10 74 27 73 20 6f 75 74 20 6f 66 20 64 61 74 65 2e |t's out of date.|
00008e20 0a 20 20 20 20 20 33 29 20 4f 6e 6c 79 20 64 6f |. 3) Only do|
00008e30 63 75 6d 65 6e 74 61 74 69 6f 6e 20 66 6f 72 20 |cumentation for |
00008e40 75 73 65 6c 65 73 73 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 73 |useless programs|
00008e50 20 74 72 61 6e 73 63 65 6e 64 73 20 74 68 65 0a | transcends the.|
00008e60 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 66 69 72 73 74 20 74 | first t|
00008e70 77 6f 20 6c 61 77 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 48 61 72 72 69 |wo laws..\.Harri|
00008e80 73 62 65 72 67 65 72 27 73 20 46 6f 75 72 74 68 |sberger's Fourth|
00008e90 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 4c 61 62 3a | Law of the Lab:|
00008ea0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 45 78 70 65 72 69 65 6e 63 65 |. Experience|
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00008ee0 65 71 75 69 70 6d 65 6e 74 20 72 75 69 6e 65 64 |equipment ruined|
00008ef0 2e 0a 5c 0a 42 6f 72 65 6e 27 73 20 4c 61 77 73 |..\.Boren's Laws|
00008f00 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 31 29 20 20 57 68 65 6e 20 |:. 1) When |
00008f10 69 6e 20 63 68 61 72 67 65 2c 20 70 6f 6e 64 65 |in charge, ponde|
00008f20 72 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 32 29 20 20 57 68 65 6e |r.. 2) When|
00008f30 20 69 6e 20 74 72 6f 75 62 6c 65 2c 20 64 65 6c | in trouble, del|
00008f40 65 67 61 74 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 33 29 20 20 |egate.. 3) |
00008f50 57 68 65 6e 20 69 6e 20 64 6f 75 62 74 2c 20 6d |When in doubt, m|
00008f60 75 6d 62 6c 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 43 68 69 73 6f 6c 6d |umble..\.Chisolm|
00008f70 27 73 20 46 69 72 73 74 20 43 6f 72 6f 6c 6c 61 |'s First Corolla|
00008f80 72 79 20 74 6f 20 4d 75 72 70 68 79 27 73 20 53 |ry to Murphy's S|
00008f90 65 63 6f 6e 64 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |econd Law:. |
00008fa0 57 68 65 6e 20 74 68 69 6e 67 73 20 6a 75 73 74 |When things just|
00008fb0 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 70 6f 73 73 69 62 6c 79 20 | can't possibly |
00008fc0 67 65 74 20 61 6e 79 20 77 6f 72 73 65 2c 20 74 |get any worse, t|
00008fd0 68 65 79 20 77 69 6c 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 52 75 64 69 |hey will..\.Rudi|
00008fe0 6e 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 66 |n's Law:. If|
00008ff0 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 77 72 6f 6e | there is a wron|
00009000 67 20 77 61 79 20 74 6f 20 64 6f 20 73 6f 6d 65 |g way to do some|
00009010 74 68 69 6e 67 2c 20 6d 6f 73 74 20 70 65 6f 70 |thing, most peop|
00009020 6c 65 20 77 69 6c 6c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 64 6f 20 |le will. do |
00009030 69 74 20 65 76 65 72 79 20 74 69 6d 65 2e 0a 5c |it every time..\|
00009040 0a 42 75 63 79 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 |.Bucy's Law:. |
00009050 20 20 4e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 65 76 65 | Nothing is eve|
00009060 72 20 61 63 63 6f 6d 70 6c 69 73 68 65 64 20 62 |r accomplished b|
00009070 79 20 61 20 72 65 61 73 6f 6e 61 62 6c 65 20 6d |y a reasonable m|
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00009090 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 62 65 6c |aw:. The bel|
000090a0 69 65 66 20 74 68 61 74 20 65 6e 68 61 6e 63 65 |ief that enhance|
000090b0 64 20 75 6e 64 65 72 73 74 61 6e 64 69 6e 67 20 |d understanding |
000090c0 77 69 6c 6c 20 6e 65 63 65 73 73 61 72 69 6c 79 |will necessarily|
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00009100 73 20 6f 6c 64 65 73 74 20 69 6c 6c 75 73 69 6f |s oldest illusio|
00009110 6e 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 50 72 6f 62 61 62 6c 65 2d 50 |ns..\.Probable-P|
00009120 6f 73 73 69 62 6c 65 2c 20 6d 79 20 62 6c 61 63 |ossible, my blac|
00009130 6b 20 68 65 6e 2c 0a 53 68 65 20 6c 61 79 73 20 |k hen,.She lays |
00009140 65 67 67 73 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 52 65 6c 61 |eggs in the Rela|
00009150 74 69 76 65 20 57 68 65 6e 2e 0a 53 68 65 20 64 |tive When..She d|
00009160 6f 65 73 6e 27 74 20 6c 61 79 20 65 67 67 73 20 |oesn't lay eggs |
00009170 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 50 6f 73 69 74 69 76 65 20 |in the Positive |
00009180 4e 6f 77 0a 42 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 73 68 65 27 |Now.Because she'|
00009190 73 20 75 6e 61 62 6c 65 20 74 6f 20 70 6f 73 74 |s unable to post|
000091a0 75 6c 61 74 65 20 68 6f 77 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 46 |ulate how..>>- F|
000091b0 72 65 64 65 72 69 63 6b 20 57 69 6e 73 6f 72 0a |rederick Winsor.|
000091c0 5c 0a 56 61 69 6c 27 73 20 53 65 63 6f 6e 64 20 |\.Vail's Second |
000091d0 41 78 69 6f 6d 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 |Axiom:. The |
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000091f0 6f 20 62 65 20 64 6f 6e 65 20 69 6e 63 72 65 61 |o be done increa|
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00009210 6e 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 61 6d |n to the. am|
00009220 6f 75 6e 74 20 6f 66 20 77 6f 72 6b 20 61 6c 72 |ount of work alr|
00009230 65 61 64 79 20 63 6f 6d 70 6c 65 74 65 64 2e 0a |eady completed..|
00009240 5c 0a 4e 65 76 65 72 20 63 6f 75 6e 74 20 79 6f |\.Never count yo|
00009250 75 72 20 63 68 69 63 6b 65 6e 73 20 62 65 66 6f |ur chickens befo|
00009260 72 65 20 74 68 65 79 20 72 69 70 20 79 6f 75 72 |re they rip your|
00009270 20 6c 69 70 73 20 6f 66 66 0a 5c 0a 22 53 6f 6d | lips off.\."Som|
00009280 65 74 69 6d 65 73 20 49 20 73 69 6d 70 6c 79 20 |etimes I simply |
00009290 66 65 65 6c 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 77 68 |feel that the wh|
000092a0 6f 6c 65 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 20 69 73 20 61 20 63 |ole world is a c|
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000092c0 0a 74 68 65 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 73 68 74 72 61 |.the only ashtra|
000092d0 79 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 53 61 6e 74 61 20 43 6c 61 75 |y.".\.Santa Clau|
000092e0 73 20 77 65 61 72 73 20 61 20 52 65 64 20 53 75 |s wears a Red Su|
000092f0 69 74 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 48 65 20 6d 75 73 74 |it,. He must|
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00009310 0a 41 6e 64 20 61 20 62 65 61 72 64 20 61 6e 64 |.And a beard and|
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00009330 20 4d 75 73 74 20 62 65 20 61 20 70 61 63 69 66 | Must be a pacif|
00009340 69 73 74 2e 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 57 68 61 74 27 |ist... What'|
00009350 73 20 69 6e 20 74 68 61 74 20 70 69 70 65 20 74 |s in that pipe t|
00009360 68 61 74 20 68 65 27 73 20 73 6d 6f 6b 69 6e 67 |hat he's smoking|
00009370 3f 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 6c 6f 20 47 75 74 68 |?..>>- Arlo Guth|
00009380 72 69 65 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 6e |rie.\.There is n|
00009390 6f 20 73 61 74 69 73 66 61 63 74 69 6f 6e 20 69 |o satisfaction i|
000093a0 6e 20 68 61 6e 67 69 6e 67 20 61 20 6d 61 6e 20 |n hanging a man |
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00009410 48 6f 77 61 72 64 20 4b 61 6e 64 65 6c 0a 5c 0a |Howard Kandel.\.|
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00009440 20 49 6e 68 65 72 69 74 61 6e 63 65 20 54 61 78 | Inheritance Tax|
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000094f0 20 53 68 61 72 70 0a 5c 0a 48 61 6e 64 3a 20 41 | Sharp.\.Hand: A|
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00009790 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 4b 65 65 70 20 79 6f 75 20 45 79 |an.\.Keep you Ey|
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00009ad0 2e 2e 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 61 6c 74 20 4b 65 6c |....>>- Walt Kel|
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00009b40 4d 65 6e 63 6b 65 6e 0a 5c 0a 50 65 61 63 65 3a |Mencken.\.Peace:|
00009b50 20 49 6e 20 69 6e 74 65 72 6e 61 74 69 6f 6e 61 | In internationa|
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00009ba0 0a 5c 0a 4e 41 50 4f 4c 45 4f 4e 3a 20 57 68 61 |.\.NAPOLEON: Wha|
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00009bc0 74 68 20 74 68 69 73 20 73 6f 6c 64 69 65 72 2c |th this soldier,|
00009bd0 20 47 75 69 73 65 70 70 65 3f 20 20 45 76 65 72 | Guiseppe? Ever|
00009be0 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 68 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 73 |ything he. s|
00009bf0 61 79 73 20 69 73 20 77 72 6f 6e 67 2e 0a 47 55 |ays is wrong..GU|
00009c00 49 53 45 50 50 45 3a 20 4d 61 6b 65 20 68 69 6d |ISEPPE: Make him|
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00009c30 20 65 76 65 72 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 68 65 20 73 | everything he s|
00009c40 61 79 73 0a 20 20 20 20 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 62 65 |ays. will be|
00009c50 20 72 69 67 68 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 47 2e 20 42 | right..>>- G. B|
00009c60 2e 20 53 68 61 77 0a 5c 0a 50 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 |. Shaw.\.People |
00009c70 77 68 6f 20 68 61 76 65 20 77 68 61 74 20 74 68 |who have what th|
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00009ca0 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 77 68 6f 0a 68 61 76 65 | people who.have|
00009cb0 6e 27 74 20 77 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 79 20 77 61 |n't what they wa|
00009cc0 6e 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 79 20 64 6f 6e |nt that they don|
00009cd0 27 74 20 77 61 6e 74 20 69 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |'t want it..>>- |
00009ce0 4f 67 64 65 6e 20 4e 61 73 68 0a 5c 0a 41 76 6f |Ogden Nash.\.Avo|
00009cf0 69 64 20 51 75 69 65 74 20 61 6e 64 20 50 6c 61 |id Quiet and Pla|
00009d00 63 69 64 20 70 65 72 73 6f 6e 73 20 75 6e 6c 65 |cid persons unle|
00009d10 73 73 20 79 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 69 6e 20 4e 65 |ss you are in Ne|
00009d20 65 64 20 6f 66 20 53 6c 65 65 70 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 |ed of Sleep..\.A|
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00009d40 20 6b 6e 6f 77 20 62 65 6c 69 65 76 65 20 69 6e | know believe in|
00009d50 20 70 6f 73 69 74 69 76 65 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 69 | positive thinki|
00009d60 6e 67 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 73 6f 20 64 6f 20 49 2e |ng, and so do I.|
00009d70 20 20 49 0a 62 65 6c 69 65 76 65 20 65 76 65 72 | I.believe ever|
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00009de0 6f 75 6c 64 20 73 63 61 72 63 65 6c 79 0a 67 65 |ould scarcely.ge|
00009df0 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 46 65 65 74 20 77 65 74 2e |t your Feet wet.|
00009e00 20 20 46 61 6c 6c 20 6e 6f 74 20 69 6e 20 4c 6f | Fall not in Lo|
00009e10 76 65 2c 20 74 68 65 72 65 66 6f 72 65 3a 20 69 |ve, therefore: i|
00009e20 74 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 74 69 63 6b 20 74 6f 20 |t will stick to |
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00009e70 66 65 65 6c 20 62 65 74 74 65 72 20 74 68 61 6e |feel better than|
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00009eb0 20 44 6f 6c 70 68 20 53 68 61 72 70 0a 5c 0a 54 | Dolph Sharp.\.T|
00009ec0 68 65 20 53 63 68 77 69 6e 65 2d 4b 69 74 7a 65 |he Schwine-Kitze|
00009ed0 6e 67 65 72 20 49 6e 73 74 69 74 75 74 65 20 73 |nger Institute s|
00009ee0 74 75 64 79 20 6f 66 20 34 37 20 6d 65 6e 20 6f |tudy of 47 men o|
00009ef0 76 65 72 20 74 68 65 20 61 67 65 20 6f 66 20 31 |ver the age of 1|
00009f00 30 30 0a 73 68 6f 77 65 64 20 74 68 61 74 20 61 |00.showed that a|
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00009f20 6e 67 73 20 69 6e 20 63 6f 6d 6d 6f 6e 3a 0a 20 |ngs in common:. |
00009f30 20 20 20 20 31 29 20 20 54 68 65 79 20 61 6c 6c | 1) They all|
00009f40 20 68 61 64 20 6d 6f 64 65 72 61 74 65 20 61 70 | had moderate ap|
00009f50 70 65 74 69 74 65 73 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 32 29 |petites.. 2)|
00009f60 20 20 54 68 65 79 20 61 6c 6c 20 63 61 6d 65 20 | They all came |
00009f70 66 72 6f 6d 20 6d 69 64 64 6c 65 20 63 6c 61 73 |from middle clas|
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00009f90 20 41 6c 6c 20 62 75 74 20 74 77 6f 20 6f 66 20 | All but two of |
00009fa0 74 68 65 6d 20 77 65 72 65 20 64 65 61 64 2e 0a |them were dead..|
00009fb0 5c 0a 43 68 69 6c 64 72 65 6e 20 61 72 65 6e 27 |\.Children aren'|
00009fc0 74 20 68 61 70 70 79 20 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 20 |t happy without |
00009fd0 73 6f 6d 65 74 68 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 69 67 6e |something to ign|
00009fe0 6f 72 65 2c 0a 41 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 27 73 20 |ore,.And that's |
00009ff0 77 68 61 74 20 70 61 72 65 6e 74 73 20 77 65 72 |what parents wer|
0000a000 65 20 63 72 65 61 74 65 64 20 66 6f 72 2e 0a 3e |e created for..>|
0000a010 3e 2d 20 4f 67 64 65 6e 20 4e 61 73 68 0a 5c 0a |>- Ogden Nash.\.|
0000a020 43 65 72 74 61 69 6e 6c 79 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 |Certainly there |
0000a030 61 72 65 20 74 68 69 6e 67 73 20 69 6e 20 6c 69 |are things in li|
0000a040 66 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 6d 6f 6e 65 79 20 63 61 |fe that money ca|
0000a050 6e 27 74 20 62 75 79 2c 20 62 75 74 20 69 74 27 |n't buy, but it'|
0000a060 73 20 76 65 72 79 20 66 75 6e 6e 79 2d 2d 0a 20 |s very funny--. |
0000a070 20 20 20 20 44 69 64 20 79 6f 75 20 65 76 65 72 | Did you ever|
0000a080 20 74 72 79 20 62 75 79 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 6e | try buying then|
0000a090 20 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 20 6d 6f 6e 65 79 3f 0a | without money?.|
0000a0a0 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4f 67 64 65 6e 20 4e 61 73 68 0a |.>>- Ogden Nash.|
0000a0b0 5c 0a 43 6f 6e 66 75 63 69 75 73 20 73 61 79 20 |\.Confucius say |
0000a0c0 74 6f 6f 20 6d 75 63 68 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 52 65 |too much..>>- Re|
0000a0d0 63 65 6e 74 20 43 68 69 6e 65 73 65 20 50 72 6f |cent Chinese Pro|
0000a0e0 76 65 72 62 0a 5c 0a 52 65 70 6f 72 74 65 72 3a |verb.\.Reporter:|
0000a0f0 20 41 20 77 72 69 74 65 72 20 77 68 6f 20 67 75 | A writer who gu|
0000a100 65 73 73 65 73 20 68 69 73 20 77 61 79 20 74 6f |esses his way to|
0000a110 20 74 68 65 20 74 72 75 74 68 20 61 6e 64 20 64 | the truth and d|
0000a120 69 73 70 65 6c 73 20 69 74 20 77 69 74 68 0a 61 |ispels it with.a|
0000a130 20 74 65 6d 70 65 73 74 20 6f 66 20 77 6f 72 64 | tempest of word|
0000a140 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 6d 62 72 6f 73 65 20 42 |s..>>- Ambrose B|
0000a150 69 65 72 63 65 0a 5c 0a 46 61 74 73 20 4c 6f 76 |ierce.\.Fats Lov|
0000a160 65 73 20 4d 61 64 65 6c 79 6e 0a 5c 0a 41 6e 79 |es Madelyn.\.Any|
0000a170 6f 6e 65 20 77 68 6f 20 68 61 74 65 73 20 44 6f |one who hates Do|
0000a180 67 73 20 61 6e 64 20 4b 69 64 73 20 43 61 6e 27 |gs and Kids Can'|
0000a190 74 20 62 65 20 41 6c 6c 20 42 61 64 2e 0a 3e 3e |t be All Bad..>>|
0000a1a0 2d 20 57 2e 20 43 2e 20 46 69 65 6c 64 73 0a 5c |- W. C. Fields.\|
0000a1b0 0a 22 48 65 79 21 20 20 57 68 6f 20 74 6f 6f 6b |."Hey! Who took|
0000a1c0 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 72 6b 20 6f 66 66 20 6d 79 | the cork off my|
0000a1d0 20 6c 75 6e 63 68 3f 3f 21 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 | lunch??!".>>- W|
0000a1e0 2e 20 43 2e 20 46 69 65 6c 64 73 0a 5c 0a 41 20 |. C. Fields.\.A |
0000a1f0 64 6f 7a 65 6e 2c 20 61 20 67 72 6f 73 73 2c 20 |dozen, a gross, |
0000a200 61 6e 64 20 61 20 73 63 6f 72 65 2c 0a 50 6c 75 |and a score,.Plu|
0000a210 73 20 74 68 72 65 65 20 74 69 6d 65 73 20 74 68 |s three times th|
0000a220 65 20 73 71 75 61 72 65 20 72 6f 6f 74 20 6f 66 |e square root of|
0000a230 20 66 6f 75 72 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 44 69 76 69 | four,. Divi|
0000a240 64 65 64 20 62 79 20 73 65 76 65 6e 2c 0a 20 20 |ded by seven,. |
0000a250 20 20 20 50 6c 75 73 20 66 69 76 65 20 74 69 6d | Plus five tim|
0000a260 65 20 65 6c 65 76 65 6e 2c 0a 45 71 75 61 6c 73 |e eleven,.Equals|
0000a270 20 6e 69 6e 65 20 73 71 75 61 72 65 64 20 70 6c | nine squared pl|
0000a280 75 73 20 7a 65 72 6f 2c 20 6e 6f 20 6d 6f 72 65 |us zero, no more|
0000a290 2e 0a 5c 0a 57 68 6f 27 73 20 6f 6e 20 66 69 72 |..\.Who's on fir|
0000a2a0 73 74 3f 0a 5c 0a 43 6c 6f 74 68 65 73 20 6d 61 |st?.\.Clothes ma|
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0000a2f0 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4d 61 72 6b 20 54 77 61 69 6e |..>>- Mark Twain|
0000a300 0a 5c 0a 57 65 20 72 65 61 6c 6c 79 20 64 6f 6e |.\.We really don|
0000a310 27 74 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 6e 79 20 65 6e 65 6d |'t have any enem|
0000a320 69 65 73 2e 20 20 49 74 27 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 |ies. It's just |
0000a330 74 68 61 74 20 73 6f 6d 65 20 6f 66 20 6f 75 72 |that some of our|
0000a340 20 62 65 73 74 0a 66 72 69 65 6e 64 73 20 61 72 | best.friends ar|
0000a350 65 20 74 72 79 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 6b 69 6c 6c |e trying to kill|
0000a360 20 75 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 66 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 | us..\.If there |
0000a370 69 73 20 6e 6f 20 47 6f 64 2c 20 77 68 6f 20 70 |is no God, who p|
0000a380 6f 70 73 20 75 70 20 74 68 65 20 6e 65 78 74 20 |ops up the next |
0000a390 4b 6c 65 65 6e 65 78 3f 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 74 |Kleenex?.>>- Art|
0000a3a0 20 48 6f 70 70 65 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 4b 69 6c | Hoppe.\.The Kil|
0000a3b0 6c 65 72 20 44 75 63 6b 73 20 61 72 65 20 63 6f |ler Ducks are co|
0000a3c0 6d 69 6e 67 21 21 21 0a 5c 0a 22 54 68 65 20 73 |ming!!!.\."The s|
0000a3d0 6f 63 69 65 74 79 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 73 63 6f |ociety which sco|
0000a3e0 72 6e 73 20 65 78 63 65 6c 6c 65 6e 63 65 20 69 |rns excellence i|
0000a3f0 6e 20 70 6c 75 6d 62 69 6e 67 20 61 73 20 61 20 |n plumbing as a |
0000a400 68 75 6d 62 6c 65 20 61 63 74 75 72 69 65 74 79 |humble acturiety|
0000a410 0a 61 6e 64 20 74 6f 6c 65 72 61 74 65 73 20 73 |.and tolerates s|
0000a420 68 6f 64 64 69 6e 65 73 73 20 69 6e 20 70 68 69 |hoddiness in phi|
0000a430 6c 6f 73 6f 70 68 79 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 |losophy because |
0000a440 69 74 20 69 73 20 61 6e 20 65 78 61 75 6c 74 65 |it is an exaulte|
0000a450 64 0a 61 63 74 69 76 69 74 79 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 |d.activity will |
0000a460 68 61 76 65 20 6e 65 69 74 68 65 72 20 67 6f 6f |have neither goo|
0000a470 64 20 70 6c 75 6d 62 69 6e 67 20 6e 6f 72 20 67 |d plumbing nor g|
0000a480 6f 6f 64 20 70 68 69 6c 6f 73 6f 70 68 79 2e 2e |ood philosophy..|
0000a490 2e 6e 65 69 74 68 65 72 0a 69 74 73 20 70 69 70 |.neither.its pip|
0000a4a0 65 73 20 6e 6f 72 20 69 74 73 20 74 68 65 6f 72 |es nor its theor|
0000a4b0 69 65 73 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 68 6f 6c 64 20 77 61 |ies will hold wa|
0000a4c0 74 65 72 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 72 65 27 73 20 |ter.".\.There's |
0000a4d0 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 69 6e 20 74 61 6b 69 6e 67 |little in taking|
0000a4e0 20 6f 72 20 67 69 76 69 6e 67 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 | or giving,. |
0000a4f0 54 68 65 72 65 27 73 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 69 |There's little i|
0000a500 6e 20 77 61 74 65 72 20 6f 72 20 77 69 6e 65 3a |n water or wine:|
0000a510 0a 54 68 69 73 20 6c 69 76 69 6e 67 2c 20 74 68 |.This living, th|
0000a520 69 73 20 6c 69 76 69 6e 67 2c 20 74 68 69 73 20 |is living, this |
0000a530 6c 69 76 69 6e 67 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 57 61 73 20 |living,. Was |
0000a540 6e 65 76 65 72 20 61 20 70 72 6f 6a 65 63 74 20 |never a project |
0000a550 6f 66 20 6d 69 6e 65 2e 0a 4f 68 2c 20 68 61 72 |of mine..Oh, har|
0000a560 64 20 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 73 74 72 75 67 67 6c |d is the struggl|
0000a570 65 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 73 70 61 72 73 65 20 69 73 |e, and sparse is|
0000a580 0a 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 67 61 69 6e 20 6f 66 |. The gain of|
0000a590 20 74 68 65 20 6f 6e 65 20 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 | the one at the |
0000a5a0 74 6f 70 2c 0a 46 6f 72 20 61 72 74 20 69 73 20 |top,.For art is |
0000a5b0 61 20 66 6f 72 6d 20 6f 66 20 63 61 74 68 61 72 |a form of cathar|
0000a5c0 73 69 73 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 6c 6f 76 |sis,. And lov|
0000a5d0 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 70 65 72 6d 61 6e 65 6e 74 |e is a permanent|
0000a5e0 20 66 6c 6f 70 2c 0a 41 6e 64 20 77 6f 72 6b 20 | flop,.And work |
0000a5f0 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 6f 76 69 6e 63 65 20 |is the province |
0000a600 6f 66 20 63 61 74 74 6c 65 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 41 |of cattle,. A|
0000a610 6e 64 20 72 65 73 74 27 73 20 66 6f 72 20 61 20 |nd rest's for a |
0000a620 63 6c 61 6d 20 69 6e 20 61 20 73 68 65 6c 6c 2c |clam in a shell,|
0000a630 0a 53 6f 20 49 27 6d 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 69 6e 67 |.So I'm thinking|
0000a640 20 6f 66 20 74 68 72 6f 77 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 | of throwing the|
0000a650 20 62 61 74 74 6c 65 20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 20 20 57 | battle --. W|
0000a660 6f 75 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 20 6b 69 6e 64 6c 79 20 |ould you kindly |
0000a670 64 69 72 65 63 74 20 6d 65 20 74 6f 20 68 65 6c |direct me to hel|
0000a680 6c 3f 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 72 6f 74 68 79 20 |l?..>>- Dorothy |
0000a690 50 61 72 6b 65 72 0a 5c 0a 22 54 68 69 73 20 69 |Parker.\."This i|
0000a6a0 73 20 61 20 63 6f 75 6e 74 72 79 20 77 68 65 72 |s a country wher|
0000a6b0 65 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 61 72 65 20 66 72 65 |e people are fre|
0000a6c0 65 20 74 6f 20 70 72 61 63 74 69 63 65 20 74 68 |e to practice th|
0000a6d0 65 69 72 20 72 65 6c 69 67 69 6f 6e 2c 0a 72 65 |eir religion,.re|
0000a6e0 67 61 72 64 6c 65 73 73 20 6f 66 20 72 61 63 65 |gardless of race|
0000a6f0 2c 20 63 72 65 65 64 2c 20 63 6f 6c 6f 72 2c 20 |, creed, color, |
0000a700 6f 62 65 73 69 74 79 2c 20 6f 72 20 6e 75 6d 62 |obesity, or numb|
0000a710 65 72 20 6f 66 20 64 61 6e 67 6c 69 6e 67 0a 6b |er of dangling.k|
0000a720 65 79 73 2e 2e 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 6c 61 |eys...".\.The la|
0000a730 64 69 65 73 20 6d 65 6e 20 61 64 6d 69 72 65 2c |dies men admire,|
0000a740 20 49 27 76 65 20 68 65 61 72 64 2c 0a 57 6f 75 | I've heard,.Wou|
0000a750 6c 64 20 73 68 75 64 64 65 72 20 61 74 20 61 20 |ld shudder at a |
0000a760 77 69 63 6b 65 64 20 77 6f 72 64 2e 0a 54 68 65 |wicked word..The|
0000a770 69 72 20 63 61 6e 64 6c 65 20 67 69 76 65 73 20 |ir candle gives |
0000a780 61 20 73 69 6e 67 6c 65 20 6c 69 67 68 74 3b 0a |a single light;.|
0000a790 54 68 65 79 27 64 20 72 61 74 68 65 72 20 73 74 |They'd rather st|
0000a7a0 61 79 20 61 74 20 68 6f 6d 65 20 61 74 20 6e 69 |ay at home at ni|
0000a7b0 67 68 74 2e 0a 54 68 65 79 20 64 6f 20 6e 6f 74 |ght..They do not|
0000a7c0 20 6b 65 65 70 20 61 77 61 6b 65 20 74 69 6c 6c | keep awake till|
0000a7d0 20 74 68 72 65 65 2c 0a 4e 6f 72 20 72 65 61 64 | three,.Nor read|
0000a7e0 20 65 72 6f 74 69 63 20 70 6f 65 74 72 79 2e 0a | erotic poetry..|
0000a7f0 54 68 65 79 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 73 61 6e 63 74 |They never sanct|
0000a800 69 6f 6e 20 74 68 65 20 69 6d 70 75 72 65 2c 0a |ion the impure,.|
0000a810 4e 6f 72 20 72 65 63 6f 67 6e 69 7a 65 20 61 6e |Nor recognize an|
0000a820 20 6f 76 65 72 74 75 72 65 2e 0a 54 68 65 79 20 | overture..They |
0000a830 73 68 72 69 6e 6b 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 70 6f 77 64 |shrink from powd|
0000a840 65 72 73 20 61 6e 64 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 70 61 69 |ers and from pai|
0000a850 6e 74 73 2e 2e 2e 0a 53 6f 20 66 61 72 2c 20 49 |nts....So far, I|
0000a860 27 76 65 20 68 61 64 20 6e 6f 20 63 6f 6d 70 6c |'ve had no compl|
0000a870 61 69 6e 74 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 72 6f 74 |aints..>>- Dorot|
0000a880 68 79 20 50 61 72 6b 65 72 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 |hy Parker.\. |
0000a890 20 54 48 45 4f 52 59 0a 49 6e 74 6f 20 6c 6f 76 | THEORY.Into lov|
0000a8a0 65 20 61 6e 64 20 6f 75 74 20 61 67 61 69 6e 2c |e and out again,|
0000a8b0 0a 20 20 20 20 54 68 75 73 20 49 20 77 65 6e 74 |. Thus I went|
0000a8c0 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 75 73 20 49 20 67 6f 2e 0a | and thus I go..|
0000a8d0 53 70 61 72 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 76 6f 69 63 65 |Spare your voice|
0000a8e0 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 68 6f 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 |, and hold your |
0000a8f0 70 65 6e 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 57 65 6c 6c 20 61 6e |pen:. Well an|
0000a900 64 20 62 69 74 74 65 72 6c 79 20 49 20 6b 6e 6f |d bitterly I kno|
0000a910 77 0a 41 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 20 73 6f 6e 67 73 20 |w.All the songs |
0000a920 77 65 72 65 20 65 76 65 72 20 73 75 6e 67 2c 0a |were ever sung,.|
0000a930 20 20 20 20 41 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 20 77 6f 72 64 | All the word|
0000a940 73 20 77 65 72 65 20 65 76 65 72 20 73 61 69 64 |s were ever said|
0000a950 3b 0a 43 6f 75 6c 64 20 69 74 20 62 65 2c 20 77 |;.Could it be, w|
0000a960 68 65 6e 20 49 20 77 61 73 20 79 6f 75 6e 67 2c |hen I was young,|
0000a970 0a 20 20 20 20 53 6f 6d 65 6f 6e 65 20 64 72 6f |. Someone dro|
0000a980 70 70 65 64 20 6d 65 20 6f 6e 20 6d 79 20 68 65 |pped me on my he|
0000a990 61 64 3f 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 72 6f 74 68 79 20 |ad?.>>- Dorothy |
0000a9a0 50 61 72 6b 65 72 0a 5c 0a 4d 79 20 6f 77 6e 20 |Parker.\.My own |
0000a9b0 64 65 61 72 20 6c 6f 76 65 2c 20 68 65 20 69 73 |dear love, he is|
0000a9c0 20 73 74 72 6f 6e 67 20 61 6e 64 20 62 6f 6c 64 | strong and bold|
0000a9d0 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 68 65 20 63 61 72 65 |. And he care|
0000a9e0 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 77 68 61 74 20 63 6f 6d 65 73 |s not what comes|
0000a9f0 20 61 66 74 65 72 2e 0a 48 69 73 20 77 6f 72 64 | after..His word|
0000aa00 73 20 72 69 6e 67 20 73 77 65 65 74 20 61 73 20 |s ring sweet as |
0000aa10 61 20 63 68 69 6d 65 20 6f 66 20 67 6f 6c 64 2c |a chime of gold,|
0000aa20 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 68 69 73 20 65 79 65 |. And his eye|
0000aa30 73 20 61 72 65 20 6c 69 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 6c |s are lit with l|
0000aa40 61 75 67 68 74 65 72 2e 0a 48 65 20 69 73 20 6a |aughter..He is j|
0000aa50 75 62 69 6c 61 6e 74 20 61 73 20 61 20 66 6c 61 |ubilant as a fla|
0000aa60 67 20 75 6e 66 75 72 6c 65 64 20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 |g unfurled --. |
0000aa70 20 20 4f 68 2c 20 61 20 67 69 72 6c 2c 20 73 68 | Oh, a girl, sh|
0000aa80 65 27 64 20 6e 6f 74 20 66 6f 72 67 65 74 20 68 |e'd not forget h|
0000aa90 69 6d 2e 0a 4d 79 20 6f 77 6e 20 64 65 61 72 20 |im..My own dear |
0000aaa0 6c 6f 76 65 2c 20 68 65 20 69 73 20 61 6c 6c 20 |love, he is all |
0000aab0 6d 79 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 20 20 |my world --. |
0000aac0 41 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 73 68 20 49 27 64 20 6e |And I wish I'd n|
0000aad0 65 76 65 72 20 6d 65 74 20 68 69 6d 2e 0a 5c 0a |ever met him..\.|
0000aae0 4d 79 20 6c 6f 76 65 2c 20 68 65 27 73 20 6d 61 |My love, he's ma|
0000aaf0 64 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6d 79 20 6c 6f 76 65 2c 20 |d, and my love, |
0000ab00 68 65 27 73 20 66 6c 65 65 74 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 |he's fleet,. |
0000ab10 41 6e 64 20 61 20 77 69 6c 64 20 79 6f 75 6e 67 |And a wild young|
0000ab20 20 77 6f 6f 64 2d 74 68 69 6e 67 20 62 6f 72 65 | wood-thing bore|
0000ab30 20 68 69 6d 21 0a 54 68 65 20 77 61 79 73 20 61 | him!.The ways a|
0000ab40 72 65 20 66 61 69 72 20 74 6f 20 68 69 73 20 72 |re fair to his r|
0000ab50 6f 61 6d 69 6e 67 20 66 65 65 74 2c 0a 20 20 20 |oaming feet,. |
0000ab60 20 41 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 73 6b 69 65 73 20 61 | And the skies a|
0000ab70 72 65 20 73 75 6e 6c 69 74 20 66 6f 72 20 68 69 |re sunlit for hi|
0000ab80 6d 2e 0a 41 73 20 73 68 61 72 70 6c 79 20 73 77 |m..As sharply sw|
0000ab90 65 65 74 20 74 6f 20 6d 79 20 68 65 61 72 74 20 |eet to my heart |
0000aba0 68 65 20 73 65 65 6d 73 0a 20 20 20 20 41 73 20 |he seems. As |
0000abb0 74 68 65 20 66 72 61 67 72 61 6e 63 65 20 6f 66 |the fragrance of|
0000abc0 20 61 63 61 63 69 61 2e 0a 4d 79 20 6f 77 6e 20 | acacia..My own |
0000abd0 64 65 61 72 20 6c 6f 76 65 2c 20 68 65 20 69 73 |dear love, he is|
0000abe0 20 61 6c 6c 20 6d 79 20 64 72 65 61 6d 73 20 2d | all my dreams -|
0000abf0 2d 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 73 68 |-. And I wish|
0000ac00 20 68 65 20 77 65 72 65 20 69 6e 20 41 73 69 61 | he were in Asia|
0000ac10 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 79 20 6c 6f 76 65 20 72 75 6e 73 |..\.My love runs|
0000ac20 20 62 79 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 61 20 64 61 79 20 69 | by like a day i|
0000ac30 6e 20 4a 75 6e 65 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 |n June,. And |
0000ac40 68 65 20 6d 61 6b 65 73 20 6e 6f 20 66 72 69 65 |he makes no frie|
0000ac50 6e 64 73 20 6f 66 20 73 6f 72 72 6f 77 73 2e 0a |nds of sorrows..|
0000ac60 48 65 27 6c 6c 20 74 72 65 61 64 20 68 69 73 20 |He'll tread his |
0000ac70 67 61 6c 6c 6f 70 69 6e 67 20 72 69 67 61 64 6f |galloping rigado|
0000ac80 6f 6e 0a 20 20 20 20 49 6e 20 74 68 65 20 70 61 |on. In the pa|
0000ac90 74 68 77 61 79 20 6f 72 20 74 68 65 20 6d 6f 72 |thway or the mor|
0000aca0 72 6f 77 73 2e 0a 48 65 27 6c 6c 20 6c 69 76 65 |rows..He'll live|
0000acb0 20 68 69 73 20 64 61 79 73 20 77 68 65 72 65 20 | his days where |
0000acc0 74 68 65 20 73 75 6e 62 65 61 6d 73 20 73 74 61 |the sunbeams sta|
0000acd0 72 74 0a 20 20 20 20 4e 6f 72 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 |rt. Nor could|
0000ace0 20 73 74 6f 72 6d 20 6f 72 20 77 69 6e 64 20 75 | storm or wind u|
0000acf0 70 72 6f 6f 74 20 68 69 6d 2e 0a 4d 79 20 6f 77 |proot him..My ow|
0000ad00 6e 20 64 65 61 72 20 6c 6f 76 65 2c 20 68 65 20 |n dear love, he |
0000ad10 69 73 20 61 6c 6c 20 6d 79 20 68 65 61 72 74 20 |is all my heart |
0000ad20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 49 20 77 69 73 |--. And I wis|
0000ad30 68 20 73 6f 6d 65 62 6f 64 79 27 64 20 73 68 6f |h somebody'd sho|
0000ad40 6f 74 20 68 69 6d 2e 0a 5c 0a 48 65 72 65 20 69 |ot him..\.Here i|
0000ad50 6e 20 6d 79 20 68 65 61 72 74 2c 20 49 20 61 6d |n my heart, I am|
0000ad60 20 48 65 6c 65 6e 3b 0a 20 20 20 20 49 27 6d 20 | Helen;. I'm |
0000ad70 41 73 70 61 73 69 61 20 61 6e 64 20 48 65 72 6f |Aspasia and Hero|
0000ad80 2c 20 61 74 20 6c 65 61 73 74 2e 0a 49 27 6d 20 |, at least..I'm |
0000ad90 4a 75 64 69 74 68 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 4a 61 65 6c |Judith, and Jael|
0000ada0 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 4d 61 64 61 6d 65 20 64 65 20 |, and Madame de |
0000adb0 53 74 61 22 08 65 6c 3b 0a 20 20 20 20 49 27 6d |Sta".el;. I'm|
0000adc0 20 53 61 6c 6f 6d 65 2c 20 6d 6f 6f 6e 20 6f 66 | Salome, moon of|
0000add0 20 74 68 65 20 45 61 73 74 2e 0a 0a 48 65 72 65 | the East...Here|
0000ade0 20 69 6e 20 6d 79 20 73 6f 75 6c 20 49 20 61 6d | in my soul I am|
0000adf0 20 53 61 70 70 68 6f 3b 0a 20 20 20 20 4c 61 64 | Sappho;. Lad|
0000ae00 79 20 48 61 6d 69 6c 74 6f 6e 20 61 6d 20 49 2c |y Hamilton am I,|
0000ae10 20 61 73 20 77 65 6c 6c 2e 0a 49 6e 20 6d 65 20 | as well..In me |
0000ae20 52 27 08 65 63 61 6d 69 65 72 20 76 69 65 73 20 |R'.ecamier vies |
0000ae30 77 69 74 68 20 4b 69 74 74 79 20 4f 27 53 68 65 |with Kitty O'She|
0000ae40 61 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 57 69 74 68 20 44 69 64 6f |a,. With Dido|
0000ae50 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 45 76 65 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 70 |, and Eve, and p|
0000ae60 6f 6f 72 20 6e 65 6c 6c 2e 0a 0a 49 27 6d 20 61 |oor nell...I'm a|
0000ae70 6c 6c 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 67 6c 61 6d 6f 72 |ll of the glamor|
0000ae80 6f 75 73 20 6c 61 64 69 65 73 0a 20 20 20 20 41 |ous ladies. A|
0000ae90 74 20 77 68 6f 73 65 20 62 65 63 6b 6f 6e 69 6e |t whose beckonin|
0000aea0 67 20 68 69 73 74 6f 72 79 20 73 68 6f 6f 6b 2e |g history shook.|
0000aeb0 0a 42 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 61 20 6d |.But you are a m|
0000aec0 61 6e 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 73 65 65 20 6f 6e 6c 79 |an, and see only|
0000aed0 20 6d 79 20 70 61 6e 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 53 6f 20 | my pan,. So |
0000aee0 49 20 73 74 61 79 20 61 74 20 68 6f 6d 65 20 77 |I stay at home w|
0000aef0 69 74 68 20 61 20 62 6f 6f 6b 2e 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d |ith a book...>>-|
0000af00 20 44 6f 72 6f 74 68 79 20 50 61 72 6b 65 72 0a | Dorothy Parker.|
0000af10 5c 0a 49 66 20 49 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 64 72 69 |\.If I don't dri|
0000af20 76 65 20 61 72 6f 75 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 70 61 |ve around the pa|
0000af30 72 6b 2c 0a 49 27 6d 20 70 72 65 74 74 79 20 73 |rk,.I'm pretty s|
0000af40 75 72 65 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 6d 79 20 6d |ure to make my m|
0000af50 61 72 6b 2e 0a 49 66 20 49 27 6d 20 69 6e 20 62 |ark..If I'm in b|
0000af60 65 64 20 65 61 63 68 20 6e 69 67 68 74 20 62 79 |ed each night by|
0000af70 20 74 65 6e 2c 0a 49 20 6d 61 79 20 67 65 74 20 | ten,.I may get |
0000af80 62 61 63 6b 20 6d 79 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 73 20 61 67 |back my looks ag|
0000af90 61 69 6e 2e 0a 49 66 20 49 20 61 62 73 74 61 69 |ain..If I abstai|
0000afa0 6e 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 66 75 6e 20 61 6e 64 20 73 |n from fun and s|
0000afb0 75 63 68 2c 0a 49 27 6c 6c 20 70 72 6f 62 61 62 |uch,.I'll probab|
0000afc0 6c 79 20 61 6d 6f 75 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 6d 75 63 |ly amount to muc|
0000afd0 68 3b 0a 42 75 74 20 49 20 73 68 61 6c 6c 20 73 |h;.But I shall s|
0000afe0 74 61 79 20 74 68 65 20 77 61 79 20 49 20 61 6d |tay the way I am|
0000aff0 2c 0a 42 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 49 20 64 6f 20 6e |,.Because I do n|
0000b000 6f 74 20 67 69 76 65 20 61 20 64 61 6d 6e 2e 0a |ot give a damn..|
0000b010 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 72 6f 74 68 79 20 50 61 72 6b |>>- Dorothy Park|
0000b020 65 72 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 46 49 47 48 54 49 |er.\. FIGHTI|
0000b030 4e 47 20 57 4f 52 44 53 0a 53 61 79 20 6d 79 20 |NG WORDS.Say my |
0000b040 6c 6f 76 65 20 69 73 20 65 61 73 79 20 68 61 64 |love is easy had|
0000b050 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 53 61 79 20 49 27 6d 20 62 69 |,. Say I'm bi|
0000b060 74 74 65 6e 20 72 61 77 20 77 69 74 68 20 70 72 |tten raw with pr|
0000b070 69 64 65 2c 0a 53 61 79 20 49 20 61 6d 20 74 6f |ide,.Say I am to|
0000b080 6f 20 6f 66 74 65 6e 20 73 61 64 20 2d 2d 0a 20 |o often sad --. |
0000b090 20 20 20 53 74 69 6c 6c 20 62 65 68 6f 6c 64 20 | Still behold |
0000b0a0 6d 65 20 61 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 73 69 64 65 2e |me at your side.|
0000b0b0 0a 0a 53 61 79 20 49 27 6d 20 6e 65 69 74 68 65 |..Say I'm neithe|
0000b0c0 72 20 62 72 61 76 65 20 6e 6f 72 20 79 6f 75 6e |r brave nor youn|
0000b0d0 67 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 53 61 79 20 49 20 77 6f 6f |g,. Say I woo|
0000b0e0 20 61 6e 64 20 63 6f 64 64 6c 65 20 63 61 72 65 | and coddle care|
0000b0f0 2c 0a 53 61 79 20 74 68 65 20 64 65 76 69 6c 20 |,.Say the devil |
0000b100 74 6f 75 63 68 65 64 20 6d 79 20 74 6f 6e 67 75 |touched my tongu|
0000b110 65 20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 20 20 53 74 69 6c 6c 20 79 |e --. Still y|
0000b120 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 6d 79 20 68 65 61 72 74 |ou have my heart|
0000b130 20 74 6f 20 77 65 61 72 2e 0a 0a 42 75 74 20 73 | to wear...But s|
0000b140 61 79 20 6d 79 20 76 65 72 73 65 73 20 64 6f 20 |ay my verses do |
0000b150 6e 6f 74 20 73 63 61 6e 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 41 6e |not scan,. An|
0000b160 64 20 49 20 67 65 74 20 6d 65 20 61 6e 6f 74 68 |d I get me anoth|
0000b170 65 72 20 6d 61 6e 21 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 72 6f |er man!.>>- Doro|
0000b180 74 68 79 20 50 61 72 6b 65 72 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 |thy Parker.\. |
0000b190 20 20 43 4f 4d 4d 45 4e 54 0a 4f 68 2c 20 6c 69 | COMMENT.Oh, li|
0000b1a0 66 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 67 6c 6f 72 69 6f 75 73 |fe is a glorious|
0000b1b0 20 63 79 63 6c 65 20 6f 66 20 73 6f 6e 67 2c 0a | cycle of song,.|
0000b1c0 41 20 6d 65 64 6c 65 79 20 6f 66 20 65 78 74 65 |A medley of exte|
0000b1d0 6d 70 6f 72 61 6e 65 61 3b 0a 41 6e 64 20 6c 6f |mporanea;.And lo|
0000b1e0 76 65 20 69 73 20 74 68 69 6e 67 20 74 68 61 74 |ve is thing that|
0000b1f0 20 63 61 6e 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 67 6f 20 77 72 | can never go wr|
0000b200 6f 6e 67 3b 0a 41 6e 64 20 49 20 61 6d 20 4d 61 |ong;.And I am Ma|
0000b210 72 69 65 20 6f 66 20 52 6f 75 6d 61 6e 69 61 2e |rie of Roumania.|
0000b220 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 72 6f 74 68 79 20 50 61 72 |.>>- Dorothy Par|
0000b230 6b 65 72 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 4e 56 45 4e |ker.\. INVEN|
0000b240 54 4f 52 59 0a 46 6f 75 72 20 62 65 20 74 68 65 |TORY.Four be the|
0000b250 20 74 68 69 6e 67 73 20 49 20 61 6d 20 77 69 73 | things I am wis|
0000b260 65 72 20 74 6f 20 6b 6e 6f 77 3a 0a 49 64 6c 65 |er to know:.Idle|
0000b270 6e 65 73 73 2c 20 73 6f 72 72 6f 77 2c 20 61 20 |ness, sorrow, a |
0000b280 66 72 69 65 6e 64 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 61 20 66 6f |friend, and a fo|
0000b290 65 2e 0a 0a 46 6f 75 72 20 62 65 20 74 68 65 20 |e...Four be the |
0000b2a0 74 68 69 6e 67 73 20 49 27 64 20 62 65 65 6e 20 |things I'd been |
0000b2b0 62 65 74 74 65 72 20 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 3a 0a |better without:.|
0000b2c0 4c 6f 76 65 2c 20 63 75 72 69 6f 73 69 74 79 2c |Love, curiosity,|
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0000b2e0 6f 75 62 74 2e 0a 0a 54 68 72 65 65 20 62 65 20 |oubt...Three be |
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0000e310 70 70 69 6e 65 73 73 20 69 73 20 72 69 67 68 74 |ppiness is right|
0000e320 20 6e 65 78 74 20 74 6f 20 79 6f 75 2e 20 20 4e | next to you. N|
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0000e340 6c 79 0a 74 61 6b 65 20 61 20 62 61 74 68 2e 2e |ly.take a bath..|
0000e350 2e 0a 5c 0a 22 48 65 20 77 61 73 20 73 6f 20 6e |..\."He was so n|
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0000e370 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 73 65 65 20 74 68 72 6f 75 67 |could see throug|
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0000e3b0 68 65 20 6c 65 73 73 20 61 20 73 74 61 74 65 73 |he less a states|
0000e3c0 6d 61 6e 20 61 6d 6f 75 6e 74 73 20 74 6f 2c 20 |man amounts to, |
0000e3d0 74 68 65 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 68 65 20 6c 6f 76 65 |the more he love|
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0000e400 69 76 65 20 75 73 20 73 6f 20 6d 75 63 68 20 71 |ive us so much q|
0000e410 75 69 63 6b 6e 65 73 73 20 6f 66 20 6d 6f 76 65 |uickness of move|
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0000e450 0a 5c 0a 53 48 49 46 54 20 54 4f 20 54 48 45 20 |.\.SHIFT TO THE |
0000e460 4c 45 46 54 21 20 20 53 48 49 46 54 20 54 4f 20 |LEFT! SHIFT TO |
0000e470 54 48 45 20 52 49 47 48 54 21 0a 50 4f 50 20 55 |THE RIGHT!.POP U|
0000e480 50 2c 20 50 55 53 48 20 44 4f 57 4e 2c 20 42 59 |P, PUSH DOWN, BY|
0000e490 54 45 2c 20 42 59 54 45 2c 20 42 59 54 45 21 0a |TE, BYTE, BYTE!.|
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0000e4c0 20 68 61 76 65 20 62 65 61 75 74 79 20 74 68 61 | have beauty tha|
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0000e500 20 74 68 61 6e 20 68 65 20 63 61 6e 20 74 68 69 | than he can thi|
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0000e520 72 69 64 64 6c 65 20 49 20 65 76 65 72 20 68 65 |riddle I ever he|
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0000e540 72 20 74 6f 20 61 6c 6d 6f 73 74 20 65 76 65 72 |r to almost ever|
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0000e560 77 61 73 20 70 72 6f 70 6f 75 6e 64 65 64 20 74 |was propounded t|
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0000e580 72 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 22 57 68 61 74 20 69 73 20 |r:. "What is |
0000e590 69 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 68 61 6e 67 73 20 6f 6e |it that hangs on|
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0000e600 6e 61 6c 20 70 65 72 70 6c 65 78 69 74 79 0a 67 |nal perplexity.g|
0000e610 61 76 65 20 75 70 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 22 41 20 68 |ave up.. "A h|
0000e620 65 72 72 69 6e 67 2c 22 20 73 61 69 64 20 6d 79 |erring," said my|
0000e630 20 66 61 74 68 65 72 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 22 41 20 | father.. "A |
0000e640 68 65 72 72 69 6e 67 2c 22 20 49 20 65 63 68 6f |herring," I echo|
0000e650 65 64 2e 20 20 22 41 20 68 65 72 72 69 6e 67 20 |ed. "A herring |
0000e660 64 6f 65 73 6e 27 74 20 68 61 6e 67 20 6f 6e 20 |doesn't hang on |
0000e670 74 68 65 20 77 61 6c 6c 21 22 0a 20 20 20 20 22 |the wall!". "|
0000e680 53 6f 20 68 61 6e 67 20 69 74 20 74 68 65 72 65 |So hang it there|
0000e690 2e 22 0a 20 20 20 20 22 42 75 74 20 61 20 68 65 |.". "But a he|
0000e6a0 72 72 69 6e 67 20 69 73 6e 27 74 20 67 72 65 65 |rring isn't gree|
0000e6b0 6e 21 22 20 49 20 70 72 6f 74 65 73 74 65 64 2e |n!" I protested.|
0000e6c0 0a 20 20 20 20 22 50 61 69 6e 74 20 69 74 2e 22 |. "Paint it."|
0000e6d0 0a 20 20 20 20 22 42 75 74 20 61 20 68 65 72 72 |. "But a herr|
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0000e6f0 20 20 20 20 22 49 66 20 69 74 73 20 6a 75 73 74 | "If its just|
0000e700 20 70 61 69 6e 74 65 64 20 69 74 73 20 73 74 69 | painted its sti|
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0000e720 74 20 2d 2d 20 22 20 49 20 73 70 75 74 74 65 72 |t -- " I sputter|
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0000e770 20 20 20 22 52 69 67 68 74 2c 20 22 20 73 6d 69 | "Right, " smi|
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0000e790 22 49 20 6a 75 73 74 20 70 75 74 20 74 68 61 74 |"I just put that|
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0000e820 74 65 72 3a 20 20 20 20 20 22 54 65 61 20 6f 72 |ter: "Tea or|
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0000e850 72 3a 20 22 49 27 6c 6c 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 65 |r: "I'll have te|
0000e860 61 2e 22 0a 32 6e 64 20 63 75 73 74 6f 6d 65 72 |a.".2nd customer|
0000e870 3a 20 22 4d 65 2c 20 74 6f 6f 20 2d 2d 20 61 6e |: "Me, too -- an|
0000e880 64 20 62 65 20 73 75 72 65 20 74 68 65 20 67 6c |d be sure the gl|
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0000e8a0 20 20 20 20 28 57 61 69 74 65 72 20 65 78 69 74 | (Waiter exit|
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0000e900 68 69 73 20 66 69 72 73 74 20 64 61 79 20 61 73 |his first day as|
0000e910 20 61 20 62 75 73 20 64 72 69 76 65 72 2c 20 4d | a bus driver, M|
0000e920 61 78 65 79 20 45 63 6b 73 74 65 69 6e 20 68 61 |axey Eckstein ha|
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0000e940 20 6f 66 20 24 36 35 2e 20 20 54 68 65 20 6e 65 | of $65. The ne|
0000e950 78 74 20 64 61 79 20 68 69 73 20 74 61 6b 65 20 |xt day his take |
0000e960 77 61 73 20 24 36 37 2e 20 20 54 68 65 20 74 68 |was $67. The th|
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0000e980 20 77 61 73 20 24 36 32 2e 20 20 42 75 74 20 6f | was $62. But o|
0000e990 6e 20 74 68 65 20 66 6f 75 72 74 68 20 64 61 79 |n the fourth day|
0000e9a0 2c 20 45 63 6b 73 74 65 69 6e 20 65 6d 70 74 69 |, Eckstein empti|
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0000e9c0 24 32 38 33 20 6f 6e 20 74 68 65 20 64 65 73 6b |$283 on the desk|
0000e9d0 20 62 65 66 6f 72 65 20 74 68 65 20 63 61 73 68 | before the cash|
0000e9e0 69 65 72 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 45 63 6b 73 74 |ier.. "Eckst|
0000e9f0 65 69 6e 21 22 20 65 78 63 6c 61 69 6d 65 64 20 |ein!" exclaimed |
0000ea00 74 68 65 20 63 61 73 68 69 65 72 2e 20 20 22 54 |the cashier. "T|
0000ea10 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 66 61 6e 74 61 73 74 69 63 |his is fantastic|
0000ea20 2e 20 20 54 68 61 74 0a 72 6f 75 74 65 20 6e 65 |. That.route ne|
0000ea30 76 65 72 20 62 72 6f 75 67 68 74 20 69 6e 20 6d |ver brought in m|
0000ea40 6f 6e 65 79 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 74 68 69 73 21 20 |oney like this! |
0000ea50 20 57 68 61 74 20 68 61 70 70 65 6e 65 64 3f 22 | What happened?"|
0000ea60 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 57 65 6c 6c 2c 20 61 66 74 |. "Well, aft|
0000ea70 65 72 20 74 68 72 65 65 20 64 61 79 73 20 6f 6e |er three days on|
0000ea80 20 74 68 61 74 20 63 6f 63 6b 61 6d 61 6d 69 65 | that cockamamie|
0000ea90 20 72 6f 75 74 65 2c 20 49 20 66 69 67 75 72 65 | route, I figure|
0000eaa0 64 0a 62 75 73 69 6e 65 73 73 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 |d.business would|
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0000eac0 73 6f 20 49 20 64 72 6f 76 65 20 6f 76 65 72 20 |so I drove over |
0000ead0 74 6f 20 46 6f 75 72 74 65 65 6e 74 68 20 53 74 |to Fourteenth St|
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0000eaf0 74 68 65 72 65 2e 20 20 49 20 74 65 6c 6c 20 79 |there. I tell y|
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0000eb10 69 73 20 61 20 67 6f 6c 64 20 6d 69 6e 65 21 22 |is a gold mine!"|
0000eb20 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 6d 65 6e 20 73 61 74 20 73 |.\.The men sat s|
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0000eb40 20 69 6e 20 73 69 6c 65 6e 63 65 2e 20 20 41 66 | in silence. Af|
0000eb50 74 65 72 20 61 20 77 68 69 6c 65 20 74 68 65 20 |ter a while the |
0000eb60 6b 6c 75 74 7a 0a 73 61 69 64 2c 20 22 4c 69 66 |klutz.said, "Lif|
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0000eb90 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 4c 69 6b 65 20 61 20 62 6f |. "Like a bo|
0000eba0 77 6c 20 6f 66 20 73 6f 75 72 20 63 72 65 61 6d |wl of sour cream|
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0000ebc0 65 72 2e 20 20 22 57 68 79 3f 22 0a 20 20 20 20 |er. "Why?". |
0000ebd0 20 22 48 6f 77 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 49 20 6b | "How should I k|
0000ebe0 6e 6f 77 3f 20 20 57 68 61 74 20 61 6d 20 49 2c |now? What am I,|
0000ebf0 20 61 20 70 68 69 6c 6f 73 6f 70 68 65 72 3f 22 | a philosopher?"|
0000ec00 0a 5c 0a 48 6f 72 73 65 20 73 65 6e 73 65 20 69 |.\.Horse sense i|
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0000ec40 69 6e 67 20 6f 6e 0a 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 2e 0a 3e |ing on.people..>|
0000ec50 3e 2d 20 57 2e 20 43 2e 20 46 69 65 6c 64 73 0a |>- W. C. Fields.|
0000ec60 5c 0a 54 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 73 6f 6d 65 74 |\.There is somet|
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0000ec90 20 4f 6e 65 20 67 65 74 73 20 73 75 63 68 20 77 | One gets such w|
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0000ed50 6e 20 76 65 72 79 20 66 61 76 6f 72 61 62 6c 65 |n very favorable|
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0000ee50 20 43 61 74 65 72 20 74 6f 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 | Cater to your f|
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0000ee70 2e 0a 5c 0a 59 6f 75 72 20 61 6e 61 6c 79 73 74 |..\.Your analyst|
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0000efc0 0a 44 61 79 20 6f 66 20 69 6e 71 75 69 72 79 2e |.Day of inquiry.|
0000efd0 20 20 59 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 62 65 20 73 75 | You will be su|
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0000f050 53 75 72 70 72 69 73 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 62 6f |Surprise your bo|
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0000f080 72 65 20 62 65 69 6e 67 20 66 6f 6c 6c 6f 77 65 |re being followe|
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0000f0d0 68 61 6e 74 20 6f 6e 20 74 68 65 20 6c 69 70 73 |hant on the lips|
0000f0e0 20 74 6f 64 61 79 2e 0a 5c 0a 46 75 74 75 72 65 | today..\.Future|
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0000f100 59 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 70 69 6c 6c 20 73 |You will spill s|
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0000f130 64 20 74 68 65 20 62 61 74 73 20 74 6f 6e 69 67 |d the bats tonig|
0000f140 68 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 53 74 61 79 20 61 77 61 79 20 |ht..\.Stay away |
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0000f910 0a 4f 75 72 20 63 6f 75 6e 74 72 79 20 68 61 73 |.Our country has|
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0000f930 66 69 76 65 2d 63 65 6e 74 20 63 69 67 61 72 73 |five-cent cigars|
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0000f960 20 66 69 66 74 65 65 6e 20 63 65 6e 74 73 20 66 | fifteen cents f|
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00010420 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 73 65 76 65 6e 20 65 | The seven e|
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00010820 56 6f 74 65 20 61 6e 61 72 63 68 69 73 74 0a 5c |Vote anarchist.\|
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000109b0 72 20 47 72 61 68 61 6d 20 42 65 6c 6c 20 69 73 |r Graham Bell is|
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00010b40 6f 75 72 20 63 68 69 6c 64 20 6d 65 6e 74 61 6c |our child mental|
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00010b60 73 74 6d 61 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 69 63 6b 65 79 20 |stmas..\.Mickey |
00010b70 4d 6f 75 73 65 20 77 65 61 72 73 20 61 20 53 70 |Mouse wears a Sp|
00010b80 69 72 6f 20 41 67 6e 65 77 20 77 61 74 63 68 2e |iro Agnew watch.|
00010b90 0a 5c 0a 4d 69 6e 6e 69 65 20 4d 6f 75 73 65 20 |.\.Minnie Mouse |
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00010c10 6c 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 72 20 62 65 65 72 20 63 61 |low your beer ca|
00010c20 6e 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 57 68 61 74 20 74 68 69 73 20 |ns..\.What this |
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00010c40 20 61 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 66 69 76 65 20 63 65 6e | a good five cen|
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00010c80 63 61 6e 20 72 65 73 69 73 74 20 61 6e 79 74 68 |can resist anyth|
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00010cd0 73 20 61 6e 64 20 68 75 6d 61 6e 20 62 65 69 6e |s and human bein|
00010ce0 67 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 44 6f 6e 27 74 20 6b 6e 6f 63 |gs..\.Don't knoc|
00010cf0 6b 20 50 72 65 73 69 64 65 6e 74 20 46 69 6c 6c |k President Fill|
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00010d20 2e 0a 5c 0a 45 61 72 6e 20 63 61 73 68 20 69 6e |..\.Earn cash in|
00010d30 20 79 6f 75 72 20 73 70 61 72 65 20 74 69 6d 65 | your spare time|
00010d40 20 2d 2d 20 62 6c 61 63 6b 6d 61 69 6c 20 79 6f | -- blackmail yo|
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00010d60 65 70 20 67 72 61 6e 64 6d 61 20 6f 66 66 20 74 |ep grandma off t|
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00010d80 67 61 6c 69 7a 65 20 62 69 6e 67 6f 2e 0a 5c 0a |galize bingo..\.|
00010d90 52 65 70 6f 72 74 65 72 20 28 74 6f 20 4d 61 68 |Reporter (to Mah|
00010da0 61 74 6d 61 20 47 61 6e 64 68 69 29 3a 20 4d 72 |atma Gandhi): Mr|
00010db0 20 47 61 6e 64 68 69 2c 20 77 68 61 74 20 64 6f | Gandhi, what do|
00010dc0 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 6f 66 0a 20 20 | you think of. |
00010dd0 20 20 20 57 65 73 74 65 72 6e 20 43 69 76 69 6c | Western Civil|
00010de0 69 7a 61 74 69 6f 6e 3f 0a 47 61 6e 64 68 69 3a |ization?.Gandhi:|
00010df0 20 49 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 69 74 20 77 6f 75 6c | I think it woul|
00010e00 64 20 62 65 20 61 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 69 64 65 61 |d be a good idea|
00010e10 2e 0a 5c 0a 58 65 72 6f 78 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 |..\.Xerox never |
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00010e40 0a 5c 0a 41 63 69 64 20 2d 2d 20 62 65 74 74 65 |.\.Acid -- bette|
00010e50 72 20 6c 69 76 69 6e 67 20 74 68 72 6f 75 67 68 |r living through|
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00010e70 6c 6c 20 66 6c 65 73 68 20 69 73 20 67 72 61 73 |ll flesh is gras|
00010e80 73 22 0a 20 20 20 20 2d 2d 20 49 73 69 61 68 0a |s". -- Isiah.|
00010e90 53 6d 6f 6b 65 20 61 20 66 72 69 65 6e 64 20 74 |Smoke a friend t|
00010ea0 6f 64 61 79 2e 0a 5c 0a 22 59 6f 75 27 6c 6c 20 |oday..\."You'll |
00010eb0 6e 65 76 65 72 20 62 65 20 74 68 65 20 6d 61 6e |never be the man|
00010ec0 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6d 6f 74 68 65 72 20 77 61 73 | your mother was|
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00010ef0 73 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 43 68 69 63 6b 65 6e 20 4c 69 |st..\.Chicken Li|
00010f00 74 74 6c 65 20 77 61 73 20 72 69 67 68 74 2e 0a |ttle was right..|
00010f10 5c 0a 22 51 76 69 64 20 6d 65 20 61 6e 78 69 76 |\."Qvid me anxiv|
00010f20 73 20 73 76 6d 3f 22 0a 5c 0a 47 72 61 76 69 74 |s svm?".\.Gravit|
00010f30 79 20 69 73 20 61 20 6d 79 74 68 2c 20 74 68 65 |y is a myth, the|
00010f40 20 45 61 72 74 68 20 73 75 63 6b 73 2e 0a 5c 0a | Earth sucks..\.|
00010f50 4e 6f 73 74 61 6c 67 69 61 20 69 73 6e 27 74 20 |Nostalgia isn't |
00010f60 77 68 61 74 20 69 74 20 75 73 65 64 20 74 6f 20 |what it used to |
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00010f90 64 20 5f 08 6d 5f 08 75 5f 08 73 5f 08 74 20 62 |d _.m_.u_.s_.t b|
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00010fc0 73 74 61 72 76 65 20 61 20 72 61 74 20 74 6f 64 |starve a rat tod|
00010fd0 61 79 21 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 79 27 72 65 20 6f 6e |ay!.\.They're on|
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00011010 65 20 73 75 6e 20 67 6f 64 0a 48 65 20 73 75 72 |e sun god.He sur|
00011020 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 66 75 6e 20 67 6f 64 0a 52 |e is a fun god.R|
00011030 61 21 20 20 52 61 21 20 20 52 61 21 0a 5c 0a 42 |a! Ra! Ra!.\.B|
00011040 72 61 69 6e 20 66 72 69 65 64 20 2d 2d 20 43 6f |rain fried -- Co|
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00011060 6d 62 65 72 2c 20 55 4e 49 58 20 73 70 65 6c 6c |mber, UNIX spell|
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00011080 58 49 4e 55 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 69 6d 65 20 69 73 20 |XINU..\.Time is |
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00011fa0 68 65 72 65 20 77 61 73 20 61 20 79 6f 75 6e 67 |here was a young|
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00011fe0 20 20 20 20 20 57 68 65 6e 20 74 6f 6c 64 20 74 | When told t|
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00012080 75 67 68 73 20 61 6e 61 74 6f 6d 69 63 61 6c 0a |ughs anatomical.|
00012090 49 6e 74 6f 20 73 70 61 63 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 |Into space that |
000120a0 69 73 20 71 75 69 74 65 20 65 63 6f 6e 6f 6d 69 |is quite economi|
000120b0 63 61 6c 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 42 75 74 20 74 68 |cal.. But th|
000120c0 65 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 6f 6e 65 73 20 49 27 76 65 |e good ones I've|
000120d0 20 73 65 65 6e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 53 6f 20 73 65 | seen. So se|
000120e0 6c 64 6f 6d 20 61 72 65 20 63 6c 65 61 6e 2c 0a |ldom are clean,.|
000120f0 41 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 63 6c 65 61 6e 20 6f 6e |And the clean on|
00012100 65 73 20 73 6f 20 73 65 6c 64 6f 6d 20 61 72 65 |es so seldom are|
00012110 20 63 6f 6d 69 63 61 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 22 57 65 20 | comical..\."We |
00012120 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 63 61 72 65 2e 20 20 57 65 20 |don't care. We |
00012130 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 6f 2e 20 20 |don't have to. |
00012140 57 65 27 72 65 20 74 68 65 20 50 68 6f 6e 65 20 |We're the Phone |
00012150 43 6f 6d 70 61 6e 79 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 22 48 65 72 |Company.".\."Her|
00012160 65 20 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 50 68 6f 6e 65 20 43 |e at the Phone C|
00012170 6f 6d 70 61 6e 79 2c 20 77 65 20 73 65 72 76 65 |ompany, we serve|
00012180 20 61 6c 6c 20 6b 69 6e 64 73 20 6f 66 20 70 65 | all kinds of pe|
00012190 6f 70 6c 65 3b 20 66 72 6f 6d 0a 50 72 65 73 69 |ople; from.Presi|
000121a0 64 65 6e 74 73 20 61 6e 64 20 4b 69 6e 67 73 20 |dents and Kings |
000121b0 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 73 63 75 6d 20 6f 66 20 74 |to the scum of t|
000121c0 68 65 20 65 61 72 74 68 2e 2e 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 22 |he earth...".\."|
000121d0 57 68 79 20 69 73 6e 27 74 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 |Why isn't there |
000121e0 61 20 73 70 65 63 69 61 6c 20 6e 61 6d 65 20 66 |a special name f|
000121f0 6f 72 20 74 68 65 20 74 6f 70 73 20 6f 66 20 79 |or the tops of y|
00012200 6f 75 72 20 66 65 65 74 3f 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4c |our feet?".>>- L|
00012210 69 6c 79 20 54 6f 6d 6c 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 47 6f 64 |ily Tomlin.\.God|
00012220 20 69 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 64 65 61 64 21 20 20 48 | is not dead! H|
00012230 65 27 73 20 61 6c 69 76 65 20 61 6e 64 20 61 75 |e's alive and au|
00012240 74 6f 67 72 61 70 68 69 6e 67 20 62 69 62 6c 65 |tographing bible|
00012250 73 20 61 74 20 43 6f 64 79 27 73 0a 5c 0a 22 49 |s at Cody's.\."I|
00012260 66 20 49 20 68 61 64 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 6b 6e 6f |f I had only kno|
00012270 77 6e 2c 20 49 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 |wn, I would have|
00012280 20 62 65 65 6e 20 61 20 6c 6f 63 6b 73 6d 69 74 | been a locksmit|
00012290 68 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 6c 62 65 72 74 20 45 |h.".>>- Albert E|
000122a0 69 6e 73 74 65 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 49 66 20 73 6f 6d |instein.\.If som|
000122b0 65 6f 6e 65 20 68 61 64 20 74 6f 6c 64 20 6d 65 |eone had told me|
000122c0 20 49 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 50 6f 70 65 | I would be Pope|
000122d0 20 6f 6e 65 20 64 61 79 2c 20 49 20 77 6f 75 6c | one day, I woul|
000122e0 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 73 74 75 64 69 65 64 0a 68 |d have studied.h|
000122f0 61 72 64 65 72 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 50 6f 70 65 20 |arder..>>- Pope |
00012300 4a 6f 68 6e 20 50 61 75 6c 20 49 0a 5c 0a 54 68 |John Paul I.\.Th|
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00012320 61 79 20 74 6f 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 20 68 61 70 |ay to have a hap|
00012330 70 79 20 6d 61 72 72 69 61 67 65 20 61 6e 64 20 |py marriage and |
00012340 61 73 20 73 6f 6f 6e 20 61 73 20 49 20 6c 65 61 |as soon as I lea|
00012350 72 6e 0a 77 68 61 74 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 49 27 |rn.what it is I'|
00012360 6c 6c 20 67 65 74 20 6d 61 72 72 69 65 64 20 61 |ll get married a|
00012370 67 61 69 6e 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 43 6c 69 6e 74 20 |gain..>>- Clint |
00012380 45 61 73 74 77 6f 6f 64 0a 5c 0a 46 6c 61 70 70 |Eastwood.\.Flapp|
00012390 69 74 79 2c 20 66 6c 6f 70 70 69 74 79 2c 20 66 |ity, floppity, f|
000123a0 6c 69 70 0a 54 68 65 20 6d 6f 75 73 65 20 6f 6e |lip.The mouse on|
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000123d0 72 69 70 20 72 65 76 6f 6c 76 65 64 2c 0a 20 20 |rip revolved,. |
000123e0 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 6d 6f 75 73 65 20 64 69 73 | The mouse dis|
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00012400 6e 6f 64 69 6d 65 6e 73 69 6f 6e 61 6c 20 73 6b |nodimensional sk|
00012410 69 70 2e 0a 5c 0a 2e 2e 2e 41 6e 64 20 6d 61 6c |ip..\....And mal|
00012420 74 20 64 6f 65 73 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 74 68 61 6e |t does more than|
00012430 20 4d 69 6c 74 6f 6e 20 63 61 6e 0a 74 6f 20 6a | Milton can.to j|
00012440 75 73 74 69 66 79 20 47 6f 64 27 73 20 77 61 79 |ustify God's way|
00012450 73 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 6e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 2e 20 |s to man.>>- A. |
00012460 45 2e 20 48 6f 75 73 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 57 48 45 |E. Housman.\.WHE|
00012470 52 45 20 43 41 4e 20 54 48 45 20 4d 41 54 54 45 |RE CAN THE MATTE|
00012480 52 20 42 45 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4f 68 2c 20 64 |R BE.. Oh, d|
00012490 65 61 72 2c 20 77 68 65 72 65 20 63 61 6e 20 74 |ear, where can t|
000124a0 68 65 20 6d 61 74 74 65 72 20 62 65 0a 20 20 20 |he matter be. |
000124b0 20 20 57 68 65 6e 20 69 74 27 73 20 63 6f 6e 76 | When it's conv|
000124c0 65 72 74 65 64 20 74 6f 20 65 6e 65 72 67 79 3f |erted to energy?|
000124d0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 61 |. There is a|
000124e0 20 73 6c 69 67 68 74 20 6c 6f 73 73 20 6f 66 20 | slight loss of |
000124f0 70 61 72 69 74 79 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4a 6f 68 |parity.. Joh|
00012500 6e 6e 79 27 73 20 73 6f 20 6c 6f 6e 67 20 61 74 |nny's so long at|
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00012520 4e 44 45 52 45 52 27 53 20 54 48 45 4d 45 0a 28 |NDERER'S THEME.(|
00012530 74 6f 20 53 75 70 65 72 63 61 6c 69 66 72 61 67 |to Supercalifrag|
00012540 69 6c 69 73 74 69 63 65 78 70 69 61 6c 69 64 6f |ilisticexpialido|
00012550 63 69 75 73 29 0a 0a 50 69 6c 6c 61 67 65 2c 20 |cius)..Pillage, |
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00012580 20 69 6e 20 6d 6f 64 65 72 61 74 69 6f 6e 2e 0a | in moderation..|
00012590 49 66 20 79 6f 75 20 64 6f 20 74 68 65 20 74 68 |If you do the th|
000125a0 69 6e 67 73 20 77 65 20 73 61 79 2c 20 74 68 65 |ings we say, the|
000125b0 6e 20 79 6f 75 27 6c 6c 20 73 6f 6f 6e 20 72 75 |n you'll soon ru|
000125c0 6c 65 20 74 68 65 20 6e 61 74 69 6f 6e 2e 0a 4b |le the nation..K|
000125d0 69 6c 6c 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 6f 65 73 20 61 6e |ill your foes an|
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00012640 0a 5c 0a 49 42 4d 20 68 61 64 20 61 20 50 4c 2f |.\.IBM had a PL/|
00012650 49 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 74 73 20 73 79 6e 74 |I,. Its synt|
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00012680 72 65 20 74 68 69 73 20 6c 61 6e 67 75 61 67 65 |re this language|
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000126a0 61 73 20 61 20 74 6f 74 61 6c 20 6c 6f 73 73 2e |as a total loss.|
000126b0 0a 5c 0a 53 79 73 74 65 6d 2f 33 21 20 20 53 79 |.\.System/3! Sy|
000126c0 73 74 65 6d 2f 33 21 0a 53 65 65 20 68 6f 77 20 |stem/3!.See how |
000126d0 69 74 20 72 75 6e 73 21 20 20 53 65 65 20 68 6f |it runs! See ho|
000126e0 77 20 69 74 20 72 75 6e 73 21 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |w it runs!. |
000126f0 49 74 73 20 6d 6f 6e 69 74 6f 72 20 6c 6f 73 65 |Its monitor lose|
00012700 73 20 73 6f 20 74 6f 74 61 6c 6c 79 21 0a 20 20 |s so totally!. |
00012710 20 20 20 49 74 20 72 75 6e 73 20 61 6c 6c 20 69 | It runs all i|
00012720 74 73 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 73 20 69 6e 20 52 |ts programs in R|
00012730 50 47 21 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 74 27 73 20 6d 61 |PG!. It's ma|
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00012760 74 65 6d 2f 33 21 0a 5c 0a 41 73 20 49 20 77 61 |tem/3!.\.As I wa|
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00012780 74 20 4d 41 43 2c 0a 49 20 6d 65 74 20 61 20 51 |t MAC,.I met a Q|
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00012860 6d 65 72 2c 20 73 70 61 72 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 |mer, spare that |
00012870 74 72 65 65 21 0a 54 61 6b 65 20 6e 6f 74 20 61 |tree!.Take not a|
00012880 20 73 69 6e 67 6c 65 20 62 69 74 21 0a 49 74 20 | single bit!.It |
00012890 75 73 65 64 20 74 6f 20 70 6f 69 6e 74 20 74 6f |used to point to|
000128a0 20 6d 65 2c 0a 4e 6f 77 20 49 27 6d 20 70 72 6f | me,.Now I'm pro|
000128b0 74 65 63 74 69 6e 67 20 69 74 2e 0a 49 74 20 77 |tecting it..It w|
000128c0 61 73 20 74 68 65 20 72 65 61 64 65 72 27 73 20 |as the reader's |
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00012950 6f 66 20 63 72 75 64 21 0a 59 6f 75 20 70 61 74 |of crud!.You pat|
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00012980 20 62 6c 6f 63 6b 73 20 6f 66 20 63 72 75 64 20 | blocks of crud |
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000129c0 30 20 62 6c 6f 63 6b 73 20 6f 66 20 63 72 75 64 |0 blocks of crud|
000129d0 21 0a 59 6f 75 20 70 61 74 63 68 20 61 20 62 75 |!.You patch a bu|
000129e0 67 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 64 75 6d 70 20 69 74 20 61 |g, and dump it a|
000129f0 67 61 69 6e 3a 0a 31 30 31 20 62 6c 6f 63 6b 73 |gain:.101 blocks|
00012a00 20 6f 66 20 63 72 75 64 20 6f 6e 20 74 68 65 20 | of crud on the |
00012a10 64 69 73 6b 21 2e 2e 2e 0a 5c 0a 27 54 77 61 73 |disk!....\.'Twas|
00012a20 20 6d 69 64 6e 69 67 68 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 | midnight, and t|
00012a30 68 65 20 55 4e 49 58 20 68 61 63 6b 73 0a 44 69 |he UNIX hacks.Di|
00012a40 64 20 67 79 72 65 20 61 6e 64 20 67 69 6d 62 6c |d gyre and gimbl|
00012a50 65 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 63 61 76 65 0a |e in their cave.|
00012a60 41 6c 6c 20 6d 69 6d 73 79 20 77 61 73 20 74 68 |All mimsy was th|
00012a70 65 20 43 53 2d 56 41 58 0a 41 6e 64 20 43 6f 72 |e CS-VAX.And Cor|
00012a80 79 20 72 61 74 68 73 20 6f 75 74 67 72 61 76 65 |y raths outgrave|
00012a90 2e 0a 0a 22 42 65 77 61 72 65 20 74 68 65 20 73 |..."Beware the s|
00012aa0 6f 66 74 77 61 72 65 20 72 6f 74 2c 20 6d 79 20 |oftware rot, my |
00012ab0 73 6f 6e 21 0a 54 68 65 20 66 61 75 6c 74 73 20 |son!.The faults |
00012ac0 74 68 61 74 20 62 69 74 65 2c 20 74 68 65 20 6a |that bite, the j|
00012ad0 6f 62 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 72 61 73 68 21 |obs that thrash!|
00012ae0 0a 42 65 77 61 72 65 20 74 68 65 20 62 72 6f 6b |.Beware the brok|
00012af0 65 6e 20 70 69 70 65 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 73 68 75 |en pipe, and shu|
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00012b10 79 73 74 65 6d 20 63 72 61 73 68 21 22 0a 5c 0a |ystem crash!".\.|
00012b20 41 6c 62 65 72 74 20 45 69 6e 73 74 65 69 6e 2c |Albert Einstein,|
00012b30 20 77 68 65 6e 20 61 73 6b 65 64 20 74 6f 20 64 | when asked to d|
00012b40 65 73 63 72 69 62 65 20 72 61 64 69 6f 2c 20 72 |escribe radio, r|
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00012b60 65 2c 20 77 69 72 65 0a 74 65 6c 65 67 72 61 70 |e, wire.telegrap|
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00012b80 20 76 65 72 79 2c 20 76 65 72 79 20 6c 6f 6e 67 | very, very long|
00012b90 20 63 61 74 2e 20 20 59 6f 75 20 70 75 6c 6c 20 | cat. You pull |
00012ba0 68 69 73 20 74 61 69 6c 20 69 6e 20 4e 65 77 0a |his tail in New.|
00012bb0 59 6f 72 6b 20 61 6e 64 20 68 69 73 20 68 65 61 |York and his hea|
00012bc0 64 20 69 73 20 6d 65 6f 77 69 6e 67 20 69 6e 20 |d is meowing in |
00012bd0 4c 6f 73 20 41 6e 67 65 6c 65 73 2e 20 20 44 6f |Los Angeles. Do|
00012be0 20 79 6f 75 20 75 6e 64 65 72 73 74 61 6e 64 20 | you understand |
00012bf0 74 68 69 73 3f 0a 41 6e 64 20 72 61 64 69 6f 20 |this?.And radio |
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00012c10 20 74 68 65 20 73 61 6d 65 20 77 61 79 3a 20 79 | the same way: y|
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00012c30 68 65 72 65 2c 20 74 68 65 79 0a 72 65 63 65 69 |here, they.recei|
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00012c50 54 68 65 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 64 69 66 66 65 72 65 |The only differe|
00012c60 6e 63 65 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 72 |nce is that ther|
00012c70 65 20 69 73 20 6e 6f 20 63 61 74 2e 22 0a 5c 0a |e is no cat.".\.|
00012c80 54 48 45 20 47 4f 4c 44 45 4e 20 52 55 4c 45 20 |THE GOLDEN RULE |
00012c90 4f 46 20 41 52 54 53 20 41 4e 44 20 53 43 49 45 |OF ARTS AND SCIE|
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00012ce0 73 20 61 72 65 20 61 20 6d 69 6c 6c 69 6f 6e 20 |s are a million |
00012cf0 74 6f 20 6f 6e 65 20 61 67 61 69 6e 73 74 20 73 |to one against s|
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00012d20 35 30 2d 35 30 20 69 74 20 77 69 6c 6c 2e 0a 5c |50-50 it will..\|
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00012d40 73 20 61 20 70 65 72 73 6f 6e 20 77 68 6f 20 70 |s a person who p|
00012d50 61 73 73 65 73 20 61 73 20 61 6e 20 65 78 61 63 |asses as an exac|
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00012dd0 6e 73 69 76 65 20 61 6e 73 77 65 72 73 20 63 61 |nsive answers ca|
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00012f20 74 6d 65 6e 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 61 73 20 75 |tment that was u|
00012f30 6e 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 61 74 65 20 65 6e 6f 75 67 |nfortunate enoug|
00012f40 68 20 74 6f 20 61 73 6b 20 66 6f 72 20 74 68 65 |h to ask for the|
00012f50 0a 69 6e 66 6f 72 6d 61 74 69 6f 6e 20 69 6e 20 |.information in |
00012f60 74 68 65 20 66 69 72 73 74 20 70 6c 61 63 65 2e |the first place.|
00012f70 22 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 49 45 45 45 20 47 72 69 64 |"..>>- IEEE Grid|
00012f80 20 6e 65 77 73 6d 61 67 61 7a 69 6e 65 0a 5c 0a | newsmagazine.\.|
00012f90 41 2e 41 2e 41 2e 41 2e 41 2e 3a 20 41 6e 20 6f |A.A.A.A.A.: An o|
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00012fb0 64 72 75 6e 6b 73 20 77 68 6f 20 64 72 69 76 65 |drunks who drive|
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00012fe0 68 20 70 72 65 73 65 6e 63 65 20 6f 66 20 6d 69 |h presence of mi|
00012ff0 6e 64 20 69 73 20 67 6f 6f 64 2c 20 62 75 74 20 |nd is good, but |
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000130d0 63 65 3a 20 54 68 65 20 73 74 61 67 65 20 62 65 |ce: The stage be|
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00013160 68 6f 6d 61 73 20 4a 65 66 66 65 72 73 6f 6e 0a |homas Jefferson.|
00013170 5c 0a 47 6f 6f 64 20 61 64 76 69 63 65 20 69 73 |\.Good advice is|
00013180 20 73 6f 6d 65 74 68 69 6e 67 20 61 20 6d 61 6e | something a man|
00013190 20 67 69 76 65 73 20 77 68 65 6e 20 68 65 20 69 | gives when he i|
000131a0 73 20 74 6f 6f 20 6f 6c 64 20 74 6f 20 73 65 74 |s too old to set|
000131b0 20 61 20 62 61 64 0a 65 78 61 6d 70 6c 65 2e 0a | a bad.example..|
000131c0 3e 3e 2d 20 4c 61 20 52 6f 75 63 68 65 66 6f 75 |>>- La Rouchefou|
000131d0 63 61 75 6c 64 0a 5c 0a 41 66 74 65 72 6e 6f 6f |cauld.\.Afternoo|
000131e0 6e 3a 20 54 68 61 74 20 70 61 72 74 20 6f 66 20 |n: That part of |
000131f0 74 68 65 20 64 61 79 20 77 65 20 73 70 65 6e 64 |the day we spend|
00013200 20 77 6f 72 72 79 69 6e 67 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 | worrying about |
00013210 68 6f 77 20 77 65 20 77 61 73 74 65 64 0a 74 68 |how we wasted.th|
00013220 65 20 6d 6f 72 6e 69 6e 67 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 6c 69 |e morning..\.Ali|
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00013240 20 62 79 20 77 68 69 63 68 2c 20 77 68 65 6e 20 | by which, when |
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00013260 61 20 6d 69 73 74 61 6b 65 2c 20 6f 6e 65 20 6f |a mistake, one o|
00013270 66 0a 74 68 65 6d 20 6b 65 65 70 73 20 70 61 79 |f.them keeps pay|
00013280 69 6e 67 20 66 6f 72 20 69 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |ing for it..>>- |
00013290 50 65 67 67 79 20 4a 6f 79 63 65 0a 5c 0a 41 6d |Peggy Joyce.\.Am|
000132a0 62 69 74 69 6f 6e 20 69 73 20 61 20 70 6f 6f 72 |bition is a poor|
000132b0 20 65 78 63 75 73 65 20 66 6f 72 20 6e 6f 74 20 | excuse for not |
000132c0 68 61 76 69 6e 67 20 73 65 6e 73 65 20 65 6e 6f |having sense eno|
000132d0 75 67 68 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 6c 61 7a 79 2e 0a |ugh to be lazy..|
000132e0 3e 3e 2d 20 43 68 61 72 6c 69 65 20 4d 63 43 61 |>>- Charlie McCa|
000132f0 72 74 68 79 0a 5c 0a 41 6d 65 72 69 63 61 20 6d |rthy.\.America m|
00013300 61 79 20 62 65 20 75 6e 69 71 75 65 20 69 6e 20 |ay be unique in |
00013310 62 65 69 6e 67 20 61 20 63 6f 75 6e 74 72 79 20 |being a country |
00013320 77 68 69 63 68 20 68 61 73 20 6c 65 61 70 74 20 |which has leapt |
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00013350 6f 75 74 20 74 6f 75 63 68 69 6e 67 20 63 69 76 |out touching civ|
00013360 69 6c 69 7a 61 74 69 6f 6e 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4a |ilization..>>- J|
00013370 6f 68 6e 20 4f 27 48 61 72 61 0a 5c 0a 41 6e 74 |ohn O'Hara.\.Ant|
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00013390 74 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 77 6f 72 64 20 79 |te of the word y|
000133a0 6f 75 27 72 65 20 74 72 79 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 |ou're trying to |
000133b0 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 6f 66 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 72 69 74 |think of..\.Arit|
000133c0 68 6d 65 74 69 63 20 69 73 20 62 65 69 6e 67 20 |hmetic is being |
000133d0 61 62 6c 65 20 74 6f 20 63 6f 75 6e 74 20 75 70 |able to count up|
000133e0 20 74 6f 20 74 77 65 6e 74 79 20 77 69 74 68 6f | to twenty witho|
000133f0 75 74 20 74 61 6b 69 6e 67 20 6f 66 66 20 79 6f |ut taking off yo|
00013400 75 72 0a 73 68 6f 65 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4d 69 |ur.shoes..>>- Mi|
00013410 63 6b 65 79 20 4d 6f 75 73 65 0a 5c 0a 41 73 73 |ckey Mouse.\.Ass|
00013420 3a 20 54 68 65 20 6d 61 73 63 75 6c 69 6e 65 20 |: The masculine |
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00013440 6f 6d 6f 62 69 6c 65 3a 20 41 20 66 6f 75 72 2d |omobile: A four-|
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00013460 74 68 61 74 20 72 75 6e 73 20 75 70 20 68 69 6c |that runs up hil|
00013470 6c 73 20 61 6e 64 20 64 6f 77 6e 0a 70 65 64 65 |ls and down.pede|
00013480 73 74 72 69 61 6e 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 20 62 61 62 |strians..\.A bab|
00013490 79 20 69 73 20 61 6e 20 61 6c 69 6d 65 6e 74 61 |y is an alimenta|
000134a0 72 79 20 63 61 6e 61 6c 20 77 69 74 68 20 61 20 |ry canal with a |
000134b0 6c 6f 75 64 20 76 6f 69 63 65 20 61 74 20 6f 6e |loud voice at on|
000134c0 65 20 65 6e 64 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 0a 72 65 73 |e end and no.res|
000134d0 70 6f 6e 73 69 62 69 6c 69 74 79 20 61 74 20 74 |ponsibility at t|
000134e0 68 65 20 6f 74 68 65 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 20 62 61 |he other..\.A ba|
000134f0 63 68 65 6c 6f 72 20 69 73 20 61 20 73 65 6c 66 |chelor is a self|
00013500 69 73 68 2c 20 75 6e 64 65 73 65 72 76 69 6e 67 |ish, undeserving|
00013510 20 67 75 79 20 77 68 6f 20 68 61 73 20 63 68 65 | guy who has che|
00013520 61 74 65 64 20 73 6f 6d 65 20 77 6f 6d 61 6e 0a |ated some woman.|
00013530 6f 75 74 20 6f 66 20 61 20 64 69 76 6f 72 63 65 |out of a divorce|
00013540 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 6e 20 51 75 69 6e 6e 0a |..>>- Don Quinn.|
00013550 5c 0a 41 20 62 61 6e 6b 65 72 20 69 73 20 61 20 |\.A banker is a |
00013560 66 65 6c 6c 6f 77 20 77 68 6f 20 6c 65 6e 64 73 |fellow who lends|
00013570 20 79 6f 75 20 68 69 73 20 75 6d 62 72 65 6c 6c | you his umbrell|
00013580 61 20 77 68 65 6e 20 74 68 65 20 73 75 6e 20 69 |a when the sun i|
00013590 73 20 73 68 69 6e 69 6e 67 0a 61 6e 64 20 77 61 |s shining.and wa|
000135a0 6e 74 73 20 69 74 20 62 61 63 6b 20 74 68 65 20 |nts it back the |
000135b0 6d 69 6e 75 74 65 20 69 74 20 62 65 67 69 6e 73 |minute it begins|
000135c0 20 74 6f 20 72 61 69 6e 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4d 61 | to rain..>>- Ma|
000135d0 72 6b 20 54 77 61 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 42 6f 79 3a 20 |rk Twain.\.Boy: |
000135e0 41 20 6e 6f 69 73 65 20 77 69 74 68 20 64 69 72 |A noise with dir|
000135f0 74 20 6f 6e 20 69 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 42 72 6f 61 64 |t on it..\.Broad|
00013600 2d 6d 69 6e 64 65 64 6e 65 73 73 3a 20 54 68 65 |-mindedness: The|
00013610 20 72 65 73 75 6c 74 20 6f 66 20 66 6c 61 74 74 | result of flatt|
00013620 65 6e 69 6e 67 20 68 69 67 68 2d 6d 69 6e 64 65 |ening high-minde|
00013630 64 6e 65 73 73 20 6f 75 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 20 62 |dness out..\.A b|
00013640 75 64 67 65 74 20 69 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 61 20 |udget is just a |
00013650 6d 65 74 68 6f 64 20 6f 66 20 77 6f 72 72 79 69 |method of worryi|
00013660 6e 67 20 62 65 66 6f 72 65 20 79 6f 75 20 73 70 |ng before you sp|
00013670 65 6e 64 20 6d 6f 6e 65 79 2c 20 61 73 20 77 65 |end money, as we|
00013680 6c 6c 0a 61 73 20 61 66 74 65 72 77 61 72 64 2e |ll.as afterward.|
00013690 0a 5c 0a 43 61 6c 69 66 6f 72 6e 69 61 20 69 73 |.\.California is|
000136a0 20 61 20 66 69 6e 65 20 70 6c 61 63 65 20 74 6f | a fine place to|
000136b0 20 6c 69 76 65 20 2d 2d 20 69 66 20 79 6f 75 20 | live -- if you |
000136c0 68 61 70 70 65 6e 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 61 6e 20 |happen to be an |
000136d0 6f 72 61 6e 67 65 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 46 72 65 64 |orange..>>- Fred|
000136e0 20 41 6c 6c 65 6e 0a 5c 0a 41 20 63 61 6e 64 69 | Allen.\.A candi|
000136f0 64 61 74 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 70 65 72 73 6f 6e |date is a person|
00013700 20 77 68 6f 20 67 65 74 73 20 6d 6f 6e 65 79 20 | who gets money |
00013710 66 72 6f 6d 20 74 68 65 20 72 69 63 68 20 61 6e |from the rich an|
00013720 64 20 76 6f 74 65 73 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 74 68 65 |d votes from the|
00013730 0a 70 6f 6f 72 20 74 6f 20 70 72 6f 74 65 63 74 |.poor to protect|
00013740 20 74 68 65 6d 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 65 61 63 68 20 | them from each |
00013750 6f 74 68 65 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 43 68 69 6c 64 72 65 |other..\.Childre|
00013760 6e 20 61 72 65 20 6e 61 74 75 72 61 6c 20 6d 69 |n are natural mi|
00013770 6d 69 63 20 77 68 6f 20 61 63 74 20 6c 69 6b 65 |mic who act like|
00013780 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 70 61 72 65 6e 74 73 20 64 | their parents d|
00013790 65 73 70 69 74 65 20 65 76 65 72 79 0a 65 66 66 |espite every.eff|
000137a0 6f 72 74 20 74 6f 20 74 65 61 63 68 20 74 68 65 |ort to teach the|
000137b0 6d 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 6d 61 6e 6e 65 72 73 2e 0a |m good manners..|
000137c0 5c 0a 43 68 72 69 73 74 3a 20 41 20 6d 61 6e 20 |\.Christ: A man |
000137d0 77 68 6f 20 77 61 73 20 62 6f 72 6e 20 61 74 20 |who was born at |
000137e0 6c 65 61 73 74 20 35 2c 30 30 30 20 79 65 61 72 |least 5,000 year|
000137f0 73 20 61 68 65 61 64 20 6f 66 20 68 69 73 20 74 |s ahead of his t|
00013800 69 6d 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 43 69 67 61 72 65 74 74 65 |ime..\.Cigarette|
00013810 3a 20 41 20 66 69 72 65 20 61 74 20 6f 6e 65 20 |: A fire at one |
00013820 65 6e 64 2c 20 61 20 66 6f 6f 6c 20 61 74 20 74 |end, a fool at t|
00013830 68 65 20 6f 74 68 65 72 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 61 20 |he other, and a |
00013840 62 69 74 20 6f 66 0a 74 6f 62 61 63 63 6f 20 69 |bit of.tobacco i|
00013850 6e 20 62 65 74 77 65 65 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 20 63 |n between..\.A c|
00013860 69 74 79 20 69 73 20 61 20 6c 61 72 67 65 20 63 |ity is a large c|
00013870 6f 6d 6d 75 6e 69 74 79 20 77 68 65 72 65 20 70 |ommunity where p|
00013880 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 61 72 65 20 6c 6f 6e 65 73 6f |eople are loneso|
00013890 6d 65 20 74 6f 67 65 74 68 65 72 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |me together.>>- |
000138a0 48 65 72 62 65 72 74 20 50 72 6f 63 68 6e 6f 77 |Herbert Prochnow|
000138b0 0a 5c 0a 22 54 68 65 20 63 6c 69 6d 61 74 65 20 |.\."The climate |
000138c0 6f 66 20 42 6f 6d 62 61 79 20 69 73 20 73 75 63 |of Bombay is suc|
000138d0 68 20 74 68 61 74 20 69 74 73 20 69 6e 68 61 62 |h that its inhab|
000138e0 69 74 61 6e 74 73 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 6f 20 6c |itants have to l|
000138f0 69 76 65 0a 65 6c 73 65 77 68 65 72 65 2e 22 0a |ive.elsewhere.".|
00013900 5c 0a 43 6f 6c 6c 61 62 6f 72 61 74 69 6f 6e 3a |\.Collaboration:|
00013910 20 41 20 6c 69 74 65 72 61 72 79 20 70 61 72 74 | A literary part|
00013920 6e 65 72 73 68 69 70 20 62 61 73 65 64 20 6f 6e |nership based on|
00013930 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 6c 73 65 20 61 73 73 75 6d | the false assum|
00013940 70 74 69 6f 6e 0a 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 6f |ption.that the o|
00013950 74 68 65 72 20 66 65 6c 6c 6f 77 20 63 61 6e 20 |ther fellow can |
00013960 73 70 65 6c 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 43 6f 6c 6c 65 67 65 |spell..\.College|
00013970 20 66 6f 6f 74 62 61 6c 6c 20 69 73 20 61 20 67 | football is a g|
00013980 61 6d 65 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 |ame which would |
00013990 62 65 20 6d 75 63 68 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 69 6e 74 |be much more int|
000139a0 65 72 65 73 74 69 6e 67 20 69 66 20 74 68 65 0a |eresting if the.|
000139b0 66 61 63 75 6c 74 79 20 70 6c 61 79 65 64 20 69 |faculty played i|
000139c0 6e 73 74 65 61 64 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 73 74 |nstead of the st|
000139d0 75 64 65 6e 74 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 65 76 65 6e |udents, and even|
000139e0 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 69 6e 74 65 72 65 73 74 69 6e | more interestin|
000139f0 67 20 69 66 0a 74 68 65 20 74 72 75 73 74 65 65 |g if.the trustee|
00013a00 73 20 70 6c 61 79 65 64 2e 20 20 54 68 65 72 65 |s played. There|
00013a10 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 61 20 67 72 65 61 | would be a grea|
00013a20 74 20 69 6e 63 72 65 61 73 65 20 69 6e 20 62 72 |t increase in br|
00013a30 6f 6b 65 6e 20 61 72 6d 73 2c 0a 6c 65 67 73 2c |oken arms,.legs,|
00013a40 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 65 63 6b 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 | and necks, and |
00013a50 73 69 6d 75 6c 74 61 6e 65 6f 75 73 6c 79 20 61 |simultaneously a|
00013a60 6e 20 61 70 70 72 65 63 69 61 62 6c 65 20 64 69 |n appreciable di|
00013a70 6d 69 6e 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 0a |minution in the.|
00013a80 6c 6f 73 73 20 74 6f 20 68 75 6d 61 6e 69 74 79 |loss to humanity|
00013a90 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 48 2e 20 4c 2e 20 4d 65 6e 63 |..>>- H. L. Menc|
00013aa0 6b 65 6e 0a 5c 0a 43 6f 6e 73 63 69 65 6e 63 65 |ken.\.Conscience|
00013ab0 20 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 69 6e 6e 65 72 20 76 6f | is the inner vo|
00013ac0 69 63 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 61 72 6e 73 20 75 |ice that warns u|
00013ad0 73 20 73 6f 6d 65 62 6f 64 79 20 69 73 20 6c 6f |s somebody is lo|
00013ae0 6f 6b 69 6e 67 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 48 2e 20 4c 2e 20 |oking.>>- H. L. |
00013af0 4d 65 6e 63 6b 65 6e 0a 5c 0a 43 6f 6e 76 65 72 |Mencken.\.Conver|
00013b00 73 61 74 69 6f 6e 3a 20 41 20 76 6f 63 61 6c 20 |sation: A vocal |
00013b10 63 6f 6d 70 65 74 69 74 69 6f 6e 20 69 6e 20 77 |competition in w|
00013b20 68 69 63 68 20 74 68 65 20 6f 6e 65 20 77 68 6f |hich the one who|
00013b30 20 69 73 20 63 61 74 63 68 69 6e 67 20 68 69 73 | is catching his|
00013b40 0a 62 72 65 61 74 68 20 69 73 20 63 61 6c 6c 65 |.breath is calle|
00013b50 64 20 74 68 65 20 6c 69 73 74 65 6e 65 72 2e 0a |d the listener..|
00013b60 5c 0a 22 43 61 6c 76 69 6e 20 43 6f 6f 6c 69 64 |\."Calvin Coolid|
00013b70 67 65 20 77 61 73 20 74 68 65 20 67 72 65 61 74 |ge was the great|
00013b80 65 73 74 20 6d 61 6e 20 77 68 6f 20 65 76 65 72 |est man who ever|
00013b90 20 63 61 6d 65 20 6f 75 74 20 6f 66 20 50 6c 79 | came out of Ply|
00013ba0 6d 6f 75 74 68 0a 43 6f 72 6e 65 72 2c 20 56 65 |mouth.Corner, Ve|
00013bb0 72 6d 6f 6e 74 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 43 6c 61 72 |rmont.".>>- Clar|
00013bc0 65 6e 63 65 20 44 61 72 72 6f 77 0a 5c 0a 54 68 |ence Darrow.\.Th|
00013bd0 65 20 63 6f 77 20 69 73 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 |e cow is nothing|
00013be0 20 62 75 74 20 61 20 6d 61 63 68 69 6e 65 20 77 | but a machine w|
00013bf0 69 74 68 20 6d 61 6b 65 73 20 67 72 61 73 73 20 |ith makes grass |
00013c00 66 69 74 20 66 6f 72 20 75 73 20 70 65 6f 70 6c |fit for us peopl|
00013c10 65 20 74 6f 0a 65 61 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4a 6f |e to.eat..>>- Jo|
00013c20 68 6e 20 4d 63 4e 75 6c 74 79 0a 5c 0a 43 79 6e |hn McNulty.\.Cyn|
00013c30 69 63 3a 20 4f 6e 65 20 77 68 6f 20 6c 6f 6f 6b |ic: One who look|
00013c40 73 20 74 68 72 6f 75 67 68 20 72 6f 73 65 2d 63 |s through rose-c|
00013c50 6f 6c 6f 72 65 64 20 67 6c 61 73 73 65 73 20 77 |olored glasses w|
00013c60 69 74 68 20 61 20 6a 61 75 6e 64 69 63 65 64 20 |ith a jaundiced |
00013c70 65 79 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 44 65 6d 6f 63 72 61 63 79 |eye..\.Democracy|
00013c80 20 69 73 20 61 20 66 6f 72 6d 20 6f 66 20 67 6f | is a form of go|
00013c90 76 65 72 6e 6d 65 6e 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 73 75 |vernment that su|
00013ca0 62 73 74 69 74 75 74 65 73 20 65 6c 65 63 74 69 |bstitutes electi|
00013cb0 6f 6e 20 62 79 20 74 68 65 0a 69 6e 63 6f 6d 70 |on by the.incomp|
00013cc0 65 74 65 6e 74 20 6d 61 6e 79 20 66 6f 72 20 61 |etent many for a|
00013cd0 70 70 6f 69 6e 74 6d 65 6e 74 20 62 79 20 74 68 |ppointment by th|
00013ce0 65 20 63 6f 72 72 75 70 74 20 66 65 77 2e 0a 3e |e corrupt few..>|
00013cf0 3e 2d 20 47 2e 20 42 2e 20 53 68 61 77 0a 5c 0a |>- G. B. Shaw.\.|
00013d00 44 65 6d 6f 63 72 61 63 79 20 69 73 20 61 20 66 |Democracy is a f|
00013d10 6f 72 6d 20 6f 66 20 67 6f 76 65 72 6e 6d 65 6e |orm of governmen|
00013d20 74 20 69 6e 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 69 74 20 69 73 |t in which it is|
00013d30 20 70 65 72 6d 69 74 74 65 64 20 74 6f 20 77 6f | permitted to wo|
00013d40 6e 64 65 72 0a 61 6c 6f 75 64 20 77 68 61 74 20 |nder.aloud what |
00013d50 74 68 65 20 63 6f 75 6e 74 72 79 20 63 6f 75 6c |the country coul|
00013d60 64 20 64 6f 20 75 6e 64 65 72 20 66 69 72 73 74 |d do under first|
00013d70 2d 63 6c 61 73 73 20 6d 61 6e 61 67 65 6d 65 6e |-class managemen|
00013d80 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 53 65 6e 61 74 6f 72 20 53 |t..>>- Senator S|
00013d90 6f 61 70 65 72 0a 5c 0a 44 69 65 3a 20 54 6f 20 |oaper.\.Die: To |
00013da0 73 74 6f 70 20 73 69 6e 6e 69 6e 67 20 73 75 64 |stop sinning sud|
00013db0 64 65 6e 6c 79 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 45 6c 62 65 72 |denly..>>- Elber|
00013dc0 74 20 48 75 62 62 61 72 64 0a 5c 0a 44 69 70 6c |t Hubbard.\.Dipl|
00013dd0 6f 6d 61 63 79 20 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 61 72 74 |omacy is the art|
00013de0 20 6f 66 20 73 61 79 69 6e 67 20 22 6e 69 63 65 | of saying "nice|
00013df0 20 64 6f 67 67 79 22 20 75 6e 74 69 6c 20 79 6f | doggy" until yo|
00013e00 75 20 63 61 6e 20 66 69 6e 64 20 61 20 72 6f 63 |u can find a roc|
00013e10 6b 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 20 64 69 70 6c 6f 6d 61 74 20 |k..\.A diplomat |
00013e20 69 73 20 61 20 6d 61 6e 20 77 68 6f 20 63 61 6e |is a man who can|
00013e30 20 63 6f 6e 76 69 6e 63 65 20 68 69 73 20 77 69 | convince his wi|
00013e40 66 65 20 73 68 65 27 64 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 20 73 74 |fe she'd look st|
00013e50 6f 75 74 20 69 6e 20 61 0a 66 75 72 20 63 6f 61 |out in a.fur coa|
00013e60 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 45 67 6f 74 69 73 6d 20 69 73 20 |t..\.Egotism is |
00013e70 74 68 65 20 61 6e 65 73 74 68 65 74 69 63 20 67 |the anesthetic g|
00013e80 69 76 65 6e 20 62 79 20 61 20 6b 69 6e 64 6c 79 |iven by a kindly|
00013e90 20 6e 61 74 75 72 65 20 74 6f 20 72 65 6c 69 65 | nature to relie|
00013ea0 76 65 20 74 68 65 20 70 61 69 6e 0a 6f 66 20 62 |ve the pain.of b|
00013eb0 65 69 6e 67 20 61 20 64 61 6d 6e 65 64 20 66 6f |eing a damned fo|
00013ec0 6f 6c 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 42 65 6c 6c 61 6d 79 20 |ol..>>- Bellamy |
00013ed0 42 72 6f 6f 6b 73 0a 5c 0a 45 6c 65 63 74 72 6f |Brooks.\.Electro|
00013ee0 63 75 74 69 6f 6e 3a 20 42 75 72 6e 69 6e 67 20 |cution: Burning |
00013ef0 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 73 74 61 6b 65 20 77 69 74 |at the stake wit|
00013f00 68 20 61 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 20 6d 6f 64 65 72 6e |h all the modern|
00013f10 20 69 6d 70 72 6f 76 65 6d 65 6e 74 73 2e 0a 5c | improvements..\|
00013f20 0a 45 78 70 65 72 69 65 6e 63 65 20 69 73 20 74 |.Experience is t|
00013f30 68 61 74 20 6d 61 72 76 65 6c 6f 75 73 20 74 68 |hat marvelous th|
00013f40 69 6e 67 20 74 68 61 74 20 65 6e 61 62 6c 65 73 |ing that enables|
00013f50 20 79 6f 75 20 72 65 63 6f 67 6e 69 7a 65 20 61 | you recognize a|
00013f60 0a 6d 69 73 74 61 6b 65 20 77 68 65 6e 20 79 6f |.mistake when yo|
00013f70 75 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 69 74 20 61 67 61 69 6e 2e |u make it again.|
00013f80 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 46 2e 20 50 2e 20 4a 6f 6e 65 73 |.>>- F. P. Jones|
00013f90 0a 5c 0a 22 49 74 27 73 20 46 61 62 75 6c 6f 75 |.\."It's Fabulou|
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00014100 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4f 73 63 61 72 20 57 69 6c |s..>>- Oscar Wil|
00014110 64 65 0a 5c 0a 57 65 20 77 69 73 68 20 79 6f 75 |de.\.We wish you|
00014120 20 61 20 48 61 72 65 20 4b 72 69 73 68 6e 61 0a | a Hare Krishna.|
00014130 57 65 20 77 69 73 68 20 79 6f 75 20 61 20 48 61 |We wish you a Ha|
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00014170 4d 79 75 6e 67 20 4d 6f 6f 6e 21 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d |Myung Moon!..>>-|
00014180 20 4d 61 78 77 65 6c 6c 20 53 6d 61 72 74 0a 5c | Maxwell Smart.\|
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00016640 67 68 74 20 73 69 64 65 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 61 20 |ght side, and a |
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00016680 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 43 61 72 6c 20 5a 77 61 6e 7a 69 |.>>- Carl Zwanzi|
00016690 67 0a 5c 0a 58 65 72 6f 78 20 64 6f 65 73 20 69 |g.\.Xerox does i|
000166a0 74 20 61 67 61 69 6e 20 61 6e 64 20 61 67 61 69 |t again and agai|
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000166c0 2e 2e 2e 0a 5c 0a 4e 65 76 65 72 20 63 61 6c 6c |....\.Never call|
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000166e0 6f 72 72 6f 77 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 68 69 6d 2e 0a |orrow from him..|
000166f0 5c 0a 4d 69 73 65 72 79 20 6c 6f 76 65 73 20 63 |\.Misery loves c|
00016700 6f 6d 70 61 6e 79 2c 20 62 75 74 20 63 6f 6d 70 |ompany, but comp|
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00016730 20 69 73 20 73 65 6e 74 69 6d 65 6e 74 61 6c 20 | is sentimental |
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00016790 74 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 |there is nothing|
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00016800 65 6d 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 74 68 65 79 27 6c 6c |em think they'll|
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00016830 76 69 6e 63 65 20 61 6e 20 61 75 64 69 65 6e 63 |vince an audienc|
00016840 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 62 65 73 74 20 |e that the best |
00016850 74 68 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 79 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 |thing they could|
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00016880 6f 74 20 63 68 61 6e 67 65 20 6f 75 72 20 64 69 |ot change our di|
00016890 72 65 63 74 69 6f 6e 20 77 65 20 61 72 65 20 6c |rection we are l|
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000168b0 77 68 65 72 65 20 77 65 20 61 72 65 0a 68 65 61 |where we are.hea|
000168c0 64 65 64 2e 0a 5c 0a 22 41 6c 6c 20 6d 79 20 66 |ded..\."All my f|
000168d0 72 69 65 6e 64 73 20 61 6e 64 20 49 20 61 72 65 |riends and I are|
000168e0 20 63 72 61 7a 79 2e 20 20 54 68 61 74 27 73 20 | crazy. That's |
000168f0 74 68 65 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 74 68 69 6e 67 20 74 |the only thing t|
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00016920 20 6f 6e 20 77 69 74 68 20 74 68 69 73 20 6e 75 | on with this nu|
00016930 63 6c 65 61 72 20 61 72 6d 73 20 72 61 63 65 2c |clear arms race,|
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00016960 20 74 68 65 20 72 75 62 62 6c 65 20 62 6f 75 6e | the rubble boun|
00016970 63 65 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 69 6e 73 74 6f 6e 20 |ce".>>- Winston |
00016980 43 68 75 72 63 68 69 6c 6c 0a 5c 0a 42 75 74 20 |Churchill.\.But |
00016990 73 63 69 65 6e 74 69 73 74 73 2c 20 77 68 6f 20 |scientists, who |
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000169d0 6c 65 74 20 75 73 20 6e 65 76 65 72 2c 20 6e 65 |let us never, ne|
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00016a10 20 42 65 6c 6c 6f 63 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 74 68 | Belloc.\.The th|
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00016a30 6d 6f 64 79 6e 61 6d 69 63 73 3a 0a 0a 54 68 65 |modynamics:..The|
00016a40 20 46 69 72 73 74 20 4c 61 77 3a 20 20 20 20 20 | First Law: |
00016a50 59 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 67 65 74 20 61 6e |You can't get an|
00016a60 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 20 77 |ything without w|
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00016a80 68 65 20 53 65 63 6f 6e 64 20 4c 61 77 3a 20 20 |he Second Law: |
00016a90 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 6d 6f 73 74 20 79 6f 75 20 | The most you |
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00016ac0 62 72 65 61 6b 0a 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 |break. |
00016ad0 65 76 65 6e 2e 0a 54 68 65 20 54 68 69 72 64 20 |even..The Third |
00016ae0 4c 61 77 3a 20 20 20 20 20 59 6f 75 20 63 61 6e |Law: You can|
00016af0 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 62 72 65 61 6b 20 65 76 65 6e | only break even|
00016b00 20 61 74 20 61 62 73 6f 6c 75 74 65 20 7a 65 72 | at absolute zer|
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00016b20 20 77 6f 72 64 73 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 31 29 20 | words:. 1) |
00016b30 22 44 6f 6e 27 74 20 77 6f 72 72 79 2c 20 49 20 |"Don't worry, I |
00016b40 63 61 6e 20 68 61 6e 64 6c 65 20 69 74 2e 22 0a |can handle it.".|
00016b50 20 20 20 20 20 32 29 20 22 59 6f 75 20 61 6e 64 | 2) "You and|
00016b60 20 77 68 61 74 20 61 72 6d 79 3f 22 0a 20 20 20 | what army?". |
00016b70 20 20 33 29 20 22 49 66 20 79 6f 75 20 77 65 72 | 3) "If you wer|
00016b80 65 20 61 73 20 73 6d 61 72 74 20 61 73 20 79 6f |e as smart as yo|
00016b90 75 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 79 6f 75 20 61 72 65 2c |u think you are,|
00016ba0 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 6e 27 74 20 62 65 | you wouldn't be|
00016bb0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 61 20 63 6f 70 2e |. a cop.|
00016bc0 22 0a 5c 0a 4f 75 72 20 4f 53 20 77 68 6f 20 61 |".\.Our OS who a|
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00016be0 62 65 20 74 68 79 20 6e 61 6d 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 |be thy name.. |
00016bf0 20 20 54 68 79 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 73 20 72 | Thy programs r|
00016c00 75 6e 2c 20 74 68 79 20 73 79 73 63 61 6c 6c 73 |un, thy syscalls|
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00016c40 67 20 69 73 20 66 61 73 74 65 72 20 74 68 61 6e |g is faster than|
00016c50 20 74 68 65 20 73 70 65 65 64 20 6f 66 20 6c 69 | the speed of li|
00016c60 67 68 74 2e 2e 2e 0a 0a 54 6f 20 70 72 6f 76 65 |ght.....To prove|
00016c70 20 74 68 69 73 20 74 6f 20 79 6f 75 72 73 65 6c | this to yoursel|
00016c80 66 2c 20 74 72 79 20 6f 70 65 6e 69 6e 67 20 74 |f, try opening t|
00016c90 68 65 20 72 65 66 72 69 67 65 72 61 74 6f 72 20 |he refrigerator |
00016ca0 64 6f 6f 72 20 62 65 66 6f 72 65 0a 74 68 65 20 |door before.the |
00016cb0 6c 69 67 68 74 20 63 6f 6d 65 73 20 6f 6e 2e 0a |light comes on..|
00016cc0 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 51 55 41 52 49 55 53 20 |\. AQUARIUS |
00016cd0 28 4a 61 6e 20 32 30 20 2d 20 46 65 62 20 31 38 |(Jan 20 - Feb 18|
00016ce0 29 0a 59 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 6e 20 69 6e |).You have an in|
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00016d00 20 61 72 65 20 69 6e 63 6c 69 6e 65 64 20 74 6f | are inclined to|
00016d10 20 62 65 20 70 72 6f 67 72 65 73 73 69 76 65 2e | be progressive.|
00016d20 20 20 59 6f 75 20 6c 69 65 0a 61 20 67 72 65 61 | You lie.a grea|
00016d30 74 20 64 65 61 6c 2e 20 20 4f 6e 20 74 68 65 20 |t deal. On the |
00016d40 6f 74 68 65 72 20 68 61 6e 64 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 |other hand, you |
00016d50 61 72 65 20 69 6e 63 6c 69 6e 65 64 20 74 6f 20 |are inclined to |
00016d60 62 65 20 63 61 72 65 6c 65 73 73 20 61 6e 64 0a |be careless and.|
00016d70 69 6d 70 72 61 63 74 69 63 61 6c 2c 20 63 61 75 |impractical, cau|
00016d80 73 69 6e 67 20 79 6f 75 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 6b 65 |sing you to make|
00016d90 20 74 68 65 20 73 61 6d 65 20 6d 69 73 74 61 6b | the same mistak|
00016da0 65 73 20 6f 76 65 72 20 61 6e 64 20 6f 76 65 72 |es over and over|
00016db0 0a 61 67 61 69 6e 2e 20 20 50 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 |.again. People |
00016dc0 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 79 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 73 74 |think you are st|
00016dd0 75 70 69 64 2e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 50 49 53 |upid..\. PIS|
00016de0 43 45 53 20 28 46 65 62 2e 20 31 39 20 2d 20 4d |CES (Feb. 19 - M|
00016df0 61 72 2e 20 32 30 29 0a 59 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 |ar. 20).You have|
00016e00 20 61 20 76 69 76 69 64 20 69 6d 61 67 69 6e 61 | a vivid imagina|
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00016e40 68 65 20 43 49 41 20 6f 72 20 46 42 49 2e 20 20 |he CIA or FBI. |
00016e50 59 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 6d 69 6e 6f 72 20 69 |You have minor i|
00016e60 6e 66 6c 75 65 6e 63 65 20 6f 76 65 72 20 79 6f |nfluence over yo|
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00016ec0 63 65 20 61 6e 64 0a 79 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 67 |ce and.you are g|
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00018080 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 47 65 6f 72 67 65 20 42 65 72 |..>>- George Ber|
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00018960 20 68 65 20 69 73 20 70 72 6f 62 61 62 6c 79 20 | he is probably |
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00018b00 65 6c 73 20 73 70 72 6f 75 74 2e 20 20 54 68 69 |els sprout. Thi|
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00018bf0 61 73 74 69 63 20 75 6e 64 65 72 6e 65 61 74 68 |astic underneath|
00018c00 20 2d 2d 20 62 6c 61 63 6b 2e 0a 41 63 63 6f 72 | -- black..Accor|
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00018c70 69 69 6e 67 3a 20 41 75 67 75 73 74 2e 20 20 54 |iing: August. T|
00018c80 68 65 20 6c 69 6e 65 73 20 61 72 65 20 74 68 65 |he lines are the|
00018c90 0a 73 68 6f 72 74 65 73 74 2c 20 74 68 6f 75 67 |.shortest, thoug|
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00018cb0 77 61 73 20 61 20 67 69 72 6c 20 6e 61 6d 65 64 |was a girl named|
00018cc0 20 49 72 65 6e 65 0a 57 68 6f 20 6c 69 76 65 64 | Irene.Who lived|
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00018d60 2c 20 62 75 74 20 73 74 75 70 69 64 69 74 79 20 |, but stupidity |
00018d70 69 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 74 68 75 73 0a 68 61 6e 64 |is not thus.hand|
00018d80 69 63 61 70 70 65 64 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 45 6c 62 |icapped..>>- Elb|
00018d90 65 72 74 20 48 75 62 62 61 72 64 0a 5c 0a 43 6f |ert Hubbard.\.Co|
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00018db0 72 73 20 64 6f 20 69 74 20 62 79 74 65 20 62 79 |rs do it byte by|
00018dc0 20 62 79 74 65 0a 5c 0a 22 49 20 6b 6e 6f 77 20 | byte.\."I know |
00018dd0 6e 6f 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 77 68 61 74 20 77 65 |not with what we|
00018de0 61 70 6f 6e 73 20 57 6f 72 6c 64 20 57 61 72 20 |apons World War |
00018df0 49 49 49 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 62 65 20 66 6f 75 67 |III will be foug|
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00018e10 72 20 49 56 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 62 65 20 66 6f 75 |r IV will be fou|
00018e20 67 68 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 73 74 69 63 6b 73 20 |ght with sticks |
00018e30 61 6e 64 20 73 74 6f 6e 65 73 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d |and stones.".>>-|
00018e40 20 41 6c 62 65 72 74 20 45 69 6e 73 74 65 69 6e | Albert Einstein|
00018e50 0a 5c 0a 4e 6f 20 6f 6e 65 20 63 61 6e 20 6d 61 |.\.No one can ma|
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00018ed0 0a 57 68 61 74 20 69 73 20 77 6f 72 74 68 20 64 |.What is worth d|
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00018f30 2c 20 62 75 74 20 66 6f 72 20 79 6f 75 20 24 31 |, but for you $1|
00018f40 31 2e 38 38 0a 5c 0a 22 49 20 6a 75 73 74 20 6e |1.88.\."I just n|
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00018f80 3e 2d 20 42 69 6c 6c 20 48 6f 65 73 74 0a 5c 0a |>- Bill Hoest.\.|
00018f90 51 3a 20 48 6f 77 20 6d 61 6e 79 20 4f 72 65 67 |Q: How many Oreg|
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00018fc0 61 20 6c 69 67 68 74 20 62 75 6c 62 3f 0a 41 3a |a light bulb?.A:|
00018fd0 20 54 68 72 65 65 2e 20 20 4f 6e 65 20 74 6f 20 | Three. One to |
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00019030 65 20 74 68 65 20 65 78 70 65 72 69 65 6e 63 65 |e the experience|
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00019080 5c 0a 53 68 65 20 6d 69 73 73 65 64 20 61 6e 20 |\.She missed an |
00019090 69 6e 76 61 6c 75 61 62 6c 65 20 6f 70 70 6f 72 |invaluable oppor|
000190a0 74 75 6e 69 74 79 20 74 6f 20 67 69 76 65 20 68 |tunity to give h|
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00019100 61 20 73 69 64 65 20 64 69 73 68 20 68 65 20 68 |a side dish he h|
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00019120 0a 50 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 62 75 79 |.People will buy|
00019130 20 61 6e 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 74 68 61 74 27 73 | anything that's|
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00019150 65 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 74 20 77 61 73 20 61 20 62 |er..\.It was a b|
00019160 6f 6f 6b 20 74 6f 20 6b 69 6c 6c 20 74 69 6d 65 |ook to kill time|
00019170 20 66 6f 72 20 74 68 6f 73 65 20 77 68 6f 20 6c | for those who l|
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000191b0 20 62 65 20 69 66 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 77 65 72 | be if there wer|
000191c0 65 20 6e 6f 20 73 69 6e 67 65 72 73 2e 0a 5c 0a |e no singers..\.|
000191d0 54 68 65 20 6e 65 77 20 43 6f 6e 67 72 65 73 73 |The new Congress|
000191e0 6d 65 6e 20 73 61 79 20 74 68 65 79 27 72 65 20 |men say they're |
000191f0 67 6f 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 74 75 72 6e 20 74 68 |going to turn th|
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00019240 67 61 72 6c 69 63 20 69 73 20 74 6f 20 73 61 6c |garlic is to sal|
00019250 61 64 2c 20 69 6e 73 61 6e 69 74 79 20 69 73 20 |ad, insanity is |
00019260 74 6f 20 61 72 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 44 6f 20 6e 6f 74 |to art..\.Do not|
00019270 20 74 61 6b 65 20 6c 69 66 65 20 74 6f 6f 20 73 | take life too s|
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000192b0 46 6f 72 67 65 74 66 75 6c 6e 65 73 73 3a 20 41 |Forgetfulness: A|
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00019390 6c 20 62 65 20 73 75 72 70 72 69 73 65 64 20 62 |l be surprised b|
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000193b0 5c 0a 41 73 20 6f 66 20 6e 65 78 74 20 77 65 65 |\.As of next wee|
000193c0 6b 2c 20 70 61 73 73 77 6f 72 64 73 20 77 69 6c |k, passwords wil|
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000193e0 4d 6f 72 73 65 20 63 6f 64 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 22 49 |Morse code..\."I|
000193f0 6e 20 73 68 6f 72 74 2c 20 5f 08 4e 20 69 73 20 |n short, _.N is |
00019400 52 69 63 68 61 72 64 69 61 6e 20 69 66 2c 20 61 |Richardian if, a|
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00019430 6e 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 50 72 65 73 69 64 65 6e 74 20 |n.".\.President |
00019440 52 65 61 67 61 6e 20 68 61 73 20 6e 6f 74 65 64 |Reagan has noted|
00019450 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 61 72 65 20 | that there are |
00019460 74 6f 6f 20 6d 61 6e 79 20 65 63 6f 6e 6f 6d 69 |too many economi|
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00019480 72 65 63 61 73 74 65 72 73 20 61 6e 64 20 68 61 |recasters and ha|
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000194a0 65 78 63 65 73 73 20 70 72 6f 70 68 65 74 73 20 |excess prophets |
000194b0 74 61 78 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 62 73 65 6e 74 3a 20 45 |tax..\.Absent: E|
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000194f0 65 73 3b 20 64 65 66 61 6d 65 64 3b 0a 73 6c 61 |es; defamed;.sla|
00019500 6e 64 65 72 65 64 2e 0a 5c 0a 42 72 61 69 6e 2c |ndered..\.Brain,|
00019510 20 76 2e 3a 20 5b 61 73 20 69 6e 20 22 74 6f 20 | v.: [as in "to |
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00019530 65 20 62 6c 75 6e 74 6c 79 2c 20 62 75 74 20 6e |e bluntly, but n|
00019540 6f 74 20 70 6f 69 6e 74 65 64 6c 79 3b 20 74 6f |ot pointedly; to|
00019550 0a 64 69 73 70 65 6c 20 61 20 73 6f 75 72 63 65 |.dispel a source|
00019560 20 6f 66 20 65 72 72 6f 72 20 69 6e 20 61 6e 20 | of error in an |
00019570 6f 70 70 6f 6e 65 6e 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 72 75 74 |opponent..\.Trut|
00019580 68 66 75 6c 3a 20 44 75 6d 62 20 61 6e 64 20 69 |hful: Dumb and i|
00019590 6c 6c 69 74 65 72 61 74 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 20 63 |lliterate..\.A c|
000195a0 6f 6d 70 75 74 65 72 2c 20 74 6f 20 70 72 69 6e |omputer, to prin|
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000195c0 6c 6c 20 64 69 76 69 64 65 2c 20 6d 75 6c 74 69 |ll divide, multi|
000195d0 70 6c 79 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 73 75 62 74 72 61 63 |ply, and subtrac|
000195e0 74 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 42 75 74 20 74 68 69 73 |t.. But this|
000195f0 20 6f 75 74 70 75 74 20 63 61 6e 20 62 65 0a 20 | output can be. |
00019600 20 20 20 20 4e 6f 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 74 68 61 6e | No more than|
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00019620 69 6e 70 75 74 20 77 61 73 20 73 68 6f 72 74 20 |input was short |
00019630 6f 66 20 65 78 61 63 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 47 69 |of exact..>>- Gi|
00019640 67 6f 0a 5c 0a 43 6f 72 72 75 70 74 3a 20 49 6e |go.\.Corrupt: In|
00019650 20 70 6f 6c 69 74 69 63 73 2c 20 68 6f 6c 64 69 | politics, holdi|
00019660 6e 67 20 61 6e 20 6f 66 66 69 63 65 20 6f 66 20 |ng an office of |
00019670 74 72 75 73 74 20 6f 72 20 70 72 6f 66 69 74 2e |trust or profit.|
00019680 0a 5c 0a 4e 61 74 75 72 65 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 61 |.\.Nature and na|
00019690 74 75 72 65 27 73 20 6c 61 77 73 20 6c 61 79 20 |ture's laws lay |
000196a0 68 69 64 20 69 6e 20 6e 69 67 68 74 2c 0a 47 6f |hid in night,.Go|
000196b0 64 20 73 61 69 64 2c 20 22 4c 65 74 20 4e 65 77 |d said, "Let New|
000196c0 74 6f 6e 20 62 65 2c 22 20 61 6e 64 20 61 6c 6c |ton be," and all|
000196d0 20 77 61 73 20 6c 69 67 68 74 2e 0a 0a 49 74 20 | was light...It |
000196e0 64 69 64 20 6e 6f 74 20 6c 61 73 74 3b 20 74 68 |did not last; th|
000196f0 65 20 64 65 76 69 6c 20 68 6f 77 6c 69 6e 67 20 |e devil howling |
00019700 22 48 6f 21 0a 4c 65 74 20 45 69 6e 73 74 65 69 |"Ho!.Let Einstei|
00019710 6e 20 62 65 21 22 20 72 65 73 74 6f 72 65 64 20 |n be!" restored |
00019720 74 68 65 20 73 74 61 74 75 73 20 71 75 6f 2e 0a |the status quo..|
00019730 5c 0a 52 61 7a 6f 72 73 20 70 61 69 6e 20 79 6f |\.Razors pain yo|
00019740 75 3b 0a 52 69 76 65 72 73 20 61 72 65 20 64 61 |u;.Rivers are da|
00019750 6d 70 3b 0a 41 63 69 64 73 20 73 74 61 69 6e 20 |mp;.Acids stain |
00019760 79 6f 75 3b 0a 41 6e 64 20 64 72 75 67 73 20 63 |you;.And drugs c|
00019770 61 75 73 65 20 63 72 61 6d 70 2e 0a 47 75 6e 73 |ause cramp..Guns|
00019780 20 61 72 65 6e 27 74 20 6c 61 77 66 75 6c 3b 0a | aren't lawful;.|
00019790 4e 6f 6f 73 65 73 20 67 69 76 65 3b 0a 47 61 73 |Nooses give;.Gas|
000197a0 20 73 6d 65 6c 6c 73 20 61 77 66 75 6c 3b 0a 59 | smells awful;.Y|
000197b0 6f 75 20 6d 69 67 68 74 20 61 73 20 77 65 6c 6c |ou might as well|
000197c0 20 6c 69 76 65 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 6f 72 6f 74 | live..>>- Dorot|
000197d0 68 79 20 50 61 72 6b 65 72 0a 5c 0a 57 68 65 6e |hy Parker.\.When|
000197e0 65 76 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 66 69 6e 64 20 74 68 |ever you find th|
000197f0 61 74 20 79 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 6f 6e 20 74 68 |at you are on th|
00019800 65 20 73 69 64 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 6d 61 |e side of the ma|
00019810 6a 6f 72 69 74 79 2c 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 74 69 |jority, it is ti|
00019820 6d 65 0a 74 6f 20 72 65 66 6f 72 6d 2e 0a 3e 3e |me.to reform..>>|
00019830 2d 20 4d 61 72 6b 20 54 77 61 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 54 |- Mark Twain.\.T|
00019840 68 65 72 65 20 63 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 62 65 20 61 |here cannot be a|
00019850 20 63 72 69 73 69 73 20 6e 65 78 74 20 77 65 65 | crisis next wee|
00019860 6b 2e 20 20 4d 79 20 73 63 68 65 64 75 6c 65 20 |k. My schedule |
00019870 69 73 20 61 6c 72 65 61 64 79 20 66 75 6c 6c 2e |is already full.|
00019880 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 48 65 6e 72 79 20 4b 69 73 73 69 |.>>- Henry Kissi|
00019890 6e 67 65 72 0a 5c 0a 57 68 65 6e 65 76 65 72 20 |nger.\.Whenever |
000198a0 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 61 67 72 65 65 20 77 69 74 |people agree wit|
000198b0 68 20 6d 65 20 49 20 61 6c 77 61 79 73 20 66 65 |h me I always fe|
000198c0 65 6c 20 49 20 6d 75 73 74 20 62 65 20 77 72 6f |el I must be wro|
000198d0 6e 67 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 4f 73 63 61 72 20 57 69 6c |ng..>>-Oscar Wil|
000198e0 64 65 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 77 61 |de.\.The only wa|
000198f0 79 20 74 6f 20 67 65 74 20 72 69 64 20 6f 66 20 |y to get rid of |
00019900 61 20 74 65 6d 70 74 61 74 69 6f 6e 20 69 73 20 |a temptation is |
00019910 74 6f 20 79 69 65 6c 64 20 74 6f 20 69 74 2e 0a |to yield to it..|
00019920 3e 3e 2d 20 4f 73 63 61 72 20 57 69 6c 64 65 0a |>>- Oscar Wilde.|
00019930 5c 0a 41 62 6f 75 74 20 74 68 65 20 74 69 6d 65 |\.About the time|
00019940 20 77 65 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 77 65 20 63 61 6e | we think we can|
00019950 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 65 6e 64 73 20 6d 65 65 74 2c | make ends meet,|
00019960 20 73 6f 6d 65 62 6f 64 79 20 6d 6f 76 65 73 20 | somebody moves |
00019970 74 68 65 0a 65 6e 64 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 48 65 |the.ends..>>- He|
00019980 72 62 65 72 74 20 48 6f 6f 76 65 72 0a 5c 0a 54 |rbert Hoover.\.T|
00019990 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 6f 6e 65 |here is only one|
000199a0 20 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 77 6f | thing in the wo|
000199b0 72 6c 64 20 77 6f 72 73 65 20 74 68 61 6e 20 62 |rld worse than b|
000199c0 65 69 6e 67 20 74 61 6c 6b 65 64 20 61 62 6f 75 |eing talked abou|
000199d0 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 0a 74 68 61 74 20 69 73 20 6e |t, and.that is n|
000199e0 6f 74 20 62 65 69 6e 67 20 74 61 6c 6b 65 64 20 |ot being talked |
000199f0 61 62 6f 75 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4f 73 63 61 72 |about..>>- Oscar|
00019a00 20 57 69 6c 64 65 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 73 75 6e | Wilde.\.The sun|
00019a10 20 77 61 73 20 73 68 69 6e 69 6e 67 20 6f 6e 20 | was shining on |
00019a20 74 68 65 20 73 65 61 2c 0a 53 68 69 6e 69 6e 67 |the sea,.Shining|
00019a30 20 77 69 74 68 20 61 6c 6c 20 68 69 73 20 6d 69 | with all his mi|
00019a40 67 68 74 3a 0a 48 65 20 64 69 64 20 68 69 73 20 |ght:.He did his |
00019a50 76 65 72 79 20 62 65 73 74 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 6b |very best to mak|
00019a60 65 0a 54 68 65 20 62 69 6c 6c 6f 77 73 20 73 6d |e.The billows sm|
00019a70 6f 6f 74 68 20 61 6e 64 20 62 72 69 67 68 74 20 |ooth and bright |
00019a80 2d 2d 0a 41 6e 64 20 74 68 69 73 20 77 61 73 20 |--.And this was |
00019a90 76 65 72 79 20 6f 64 64 2c 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 |very odd, becaus|
00019aa0 65 20 69 74 20 77 61 73 0a 54 68 65 20 6d 69 64 |e it was.The mid|
00019ab0 64 6c 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 6e 69 67 68 74 |dle of the night|
00019ac0 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4c 65 77 69 73 20 43 61 72 72 |..>>- Lewis Carr|
00019ad0 6f 6c 6c 0a 5c 0a 49 74 27 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 74 |oll.\.It's not t|
00019ae0 68 61 74 20 49 27 6d 20 61 66 72 61 69 64 20 74 |hat I'm afraid t|
00019af0 6f 20 64 69 65 2e 20 20 49 20 6a 75 73 74 20 64 |o die. I just d|
00019b00 6f 6e 27 74 20 77 61 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 |on't want to be |
00019b10 74 68 65 72 65 20 77 68 65 6e 20 69 74 0a 68 61 |there when it.ha|
00019b20 70 70 65 6e 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 6f 6f 64 79 |ppens..>>- Woody|
00019b30 20 41 6c 6c 65 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 74 79 | Allen..\.The ty|
00019b40 70 65 77 72 69 74 69 6e 67 20 6d 61 63 68 69 6e |pewriting machin|
00019b50 65 2c 20 77 68 65 6e 20 70 6c 61 79 65 64 20 77 |e, when played w|
00019b60 69 74 68 20 65 78 70 72 65 73 73 69 6f 6e 2c 20 |ith expression, |
00019b70 69 73 20 6e 6f 20 6d 6f 72 65 0a 61 6e 6e 6f 79 |is no more.annoy|
00019b80 69 6e 67 20 74 68 61 6e 20 74 68 65 20 70 69 61 |ing than the pia|
00019b90 6e 6f 20 77 68 65 6e 20 70 6c 61 79 65 64 20 62 |no when played b|
00019ba0 79 20 61 20 73 69 73 74 65 72 20 6f 72 20 6e 65 |y a sister or ne|
00019bb0 61 72 20 72 65 6c 61 74 69 6f 6e 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d |ar relation..>>-|
00019bc0 20 4f 73 63 61 72 20 57 69 6c 64 65 0a 5c 0a 49 | Oscar Wilde.\.I|
00019bd0 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 63 6f 6d 70 6c 61 69 6e 2c | can't complain,|
00019be0 20 62 75 74 20 73 6f 6d 65 74 69 6d 65 73 20 49 | but sometimes I|
00019bf0 20 73 74 69 6c 6c 20 64 6f 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4a | still do..>>- J|
00019c00 6f 65 20 57 61 6c 73 68 0a 5c 0a 34 33 72 64 20 |oe Walsh.\.43rd |
00019c10 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 43 6f 6d 70 75 74 69 6e 67 |Law of Computing|
00019c20 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 |:. Anything |
00019c30 74 68 61 74 20 63 61 6e 20 67 6f 20 77 72 0a 66 |that can go wr.f|
00019c40 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 3a 20 53 65 67 6d 65 6e 74 61 |ortune: Segmenta|
00019c50 74 69 6f 6e 20 76 69 6f 6c 61 74 69 6f 6e 20 2d |tion violation -|
00019c60 2d 20 43 6f 72 65 20 64 75 6d 70 65 64 0a 5c 0a |- Core dumped.\.|
00019c70 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 4a | J|
00019c80 41 43 4b 20 41 4e 44 20 54 48 45 20 42 45 41 4e |ACK AND THE BEAN|
00019c90 53 54 41 43 4b 0a 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 |STACK. |
00019ca0 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 62 79 20 4d 61 72 6b 20 49 | by Mark I|
00019cb0 73 61 61 6b 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4c 6f 6e 67 20 |saak.. Long |
00019cc0 61 67 6f 2c 20 69 6e 20 61 20 66 69 6e 69 74 65 |ago, in a finite|
00019cd0 20 73 74 61 74 65 20 66 61 72 20 61 77 61 79 2c | state far away,|
00019ce0 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 6c 69 76 65 64 20 61 20 4a | there lived a J|
00019cf0 4f 56 49 41 4c 0a 63 68 61 72 61 63 74 65 72 20 |OVIAL.character |
00019d00 6e 61 6d 65 64 20 4a 61 63 6b 2e 20 20 4a 61 63 |named Jack. Jac|
00019d10 6b 20 61 6e 64 20 68 69 73 20 72 65 6c 61 74 69 |k and his relati|
00019d20 6f 6e 73 20 77 65 72 65 20 70 6f 6f 72 2e 20 20 |ons were poor. |
00019d30 4f 66 74 65 6e 20 74 68 65 69 72 0a 68 61 73 68 |Often their.hash|
00019d40 20 74 61 62 6c 65 20 77 61 73 20 62 61 72 65 2e | table was bare.|
00019d50 20 20 4f 6e 65 20 64 61 79 20 4a 61 63 6b 27 73 | One day Jack's|
00019d60 20 70 61 72 65 6e 74 20 73 61 69 64 20 74 6f 20 | parent said to |
00019d70 68 69 6d 2c 20 22 4f 75 72 20 6d 61 74 72 69 63 |him, "Our matric|
00019d80 65 73 0a 61 72 65 20 73 70 61 72 73 65 2e 20 20 |es.are sparse. |
00019d90 59 6f 75 20 6d 75 73 74 20 67 6f 20 74 6f 20 74 |You must go to t|
00019da0 68 65 20 6d 61 72 6b 65 74 20 74 6f 20 65 78 63 |he market to exc|
00019db0 68 61 6e 67 65 20 6f 75 72 20 52 41 4d 20 66 6f |hange our RAM fo|
00019dc0 72 20 73 6f 6d 65 0a 42 41 53 49 43 73 2e 22 20 |r some.BASICs." |
00019dd0 20 53 68 65 20 63 6f 6d 70 69 6c 65 64 20 61 20 | She compiled a |
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0001add0 74 6f 72 73 20 61 6e 64 0a 6d 69 73 73 0a 5c 0a |tors and.miss.\.|
0001ade0 42 72 69 64 65 3a 20 41 20 77 6f 6d 61 6e 20 77 |Bride: A woman w|
0001adf0 69 74 68 20 61 20 66 69 6e 65 20 70 72 6f 73 70 |ith a fine prosp|
0001ae00 65 63 74 20 6f 66 20 68 61 70 70 69 6e 65 73 73 |ect of happiness|
0001ae10 20 62 65 68 69 6e 64 20 68 65 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 | behind her..\.T|
0001ae20 68 65 20 50 69 67 2c 20 69 66 20 49 20 61 6d 20 |he Pig, if I am |
0001ae30 6e 6f 74 20 6d 69 73 74 61 6b 65 6e 2c 0a 47 69 |not mistaken,.Gi|
0001ae40 76 65 73 20 75 73 20 68 61 6d 20 61 6e 64 20 70 |ves us ham and p|
0001ae50 6f 72 6b 20 61 6e 64 20 42 61 63 6f 6e 2e 0a 4c |ork and Bacon..L|
0001ae60 65 74 20 6f 74 68 65 72 73 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 |et others think |
0001ae70 68 69 73 20 68 65 61 72 74 20 69 73 20 62 69 67 |his heart is big|
0001ae80 2c 0a 49 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 69 74 20 73 74 75 |,.I think it stu|
0001ae90 70 69 64 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 50 69 67 2e 0a |pid of the Pig..|
0001aea0 5c 0a 49 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 74 68 61 74 20 49 |\.I think that I|
0001aeb0 20 73 68 61 6c 6c 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 73 65 65 | shall never see|
0001aec0 0a 41 20 62 69 6c 6c 62 6f 61 72 64 20 6c 6f 76 |.A billboard lov|
0001aed0 65 6c 79 20 61 73 20 61 20 74 72 65 65 2e 0a 50 |ely as a tree..P|
0001aee0 65 72 68 61 70 73 2c 20 75 6e 6c 65 73 73 20 74 |erhaps, unless t|
0001aef0 68 65 20 62 69 6c 6c 62 6f 61 72 64 73 20 66 61 |he billboards fa|
0001af00 6c 6c 0a 49 27 6c 6c 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 73 65 |ll.I'll never se|
0001af10 65 20 61 20 74 72 65 65 20 61 74 20 61 6c 6c 2e |e a tree at all.|
0001af20 0a 5c 0a 42 69 7a 61 72 72 65 6e 65 73 73 20 69 |.\.Bizarreness i|
0001af30 73 20 74 68 65 20 65 73 73 65 6e 63 65 20 6f 66 |s the essence of|
0001af40 20 74 68 65 20 65 78 6f 74 69 63 0a 5c 0a 54 6f | the exotic.\.To|
0001af50 64 61 79 20 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 66 69 72 73 74 |day is the first|
0001af60 20 64 61 79 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 72 65 73 74 | day of the rest|
0001af70 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 6d 65 73 73 0a 5c 0a 54 | of the mess.\.T|
0001af80 6f 64 61 79 20 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 74 6f 6d 6f |oday is the tomo|
0001af90 72 72 6f 77 20 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 72 72 69 65 64 |rrow you worried|
0001afa0 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 79 65 73 74 65 72 64 61 79 | about yesterday|
0001afb0 0a 5c 0a 4a 75 73 74 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 |.\.Just because |
0001afc0 79 6f 75 27 72 65 20 70 61 72 61 6e 6f 69 64 20 |you're paranoid |
0001afd0 64 6f 65 73 6e 27 74 20 6d 65 61 6e 20 74 68 65 |doesn't mean the|
0001afe0 79 20 41 52 45 4e 27 54 20 61 66 74 65 72 20 79 |y AREN'T after y|
0001aff0 6f 75 2e 0a 5c 0a 50 61 72 61 6e 6f 69 61 20 69 |ou..\.Paranoia i|
0001b000 73 20 73 69 6d 70 6c 79 20 61 6e 20 6f 70 74 69 |s simply an opti|
0001b010 6d 69 73 74 69 63 20 6f 75 74 6c 6f 6f 6b 20 6f |mistic outlook o|
0001b020 6e 20 6c 69 66 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 61 6b 65 20 68 |n life..\.Take h|
0001b030 65 61 72 74 20 61 6d 69 64 20 74 68 65 20 64 65 |eart amid the de|
0001b040 65 70 65 6e 69 6e 67 20 67 6c 6f 6f 6d 20 74 68 |epening gloom th|
0001b050 61 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 64 6f 67 20 69 73 20 66 |at your dog is f|
0001b060 69 6e 61 6c 6c 79 20 67 65 74 74 69 6e 67 0a 65 |inally getting.e|
0001b070 6e 6f 75 67 68 20 63 68 65 65 73 65 0a 5c 0a 57 |nough cheese.\.W|
0001b080 68 65 74 68 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 20 68 |hether you can h|
0001b090 65 61 72 20 69 74 20 6f 72 20 6e 6f 74 0a 54 68 |ear it or not.Th|
0001b0a0 65 20 55 6e 69 76 65 72 73 65 20 69 73 20 6c 61 |e Universe is la|
0001b0b0 75 67 68 69 6e 67 20 62 65 68 69 6e 64 20 79 6f |ughing behind yo|
0001b0c0 75 72 20 62 61 63 6b 0a 5c 0a 47 6f 20 27 77 61 |ur back.\.Go 'wa|
0001b0d0 79 21 20 20 59 6f 75 27 72 65 20 62 6f 74 68 65 |y! You're bothe|
0001b0e0 72 69 6e 67 20 6d 65 21 0a 5c 0a 50 75 74 20 79 |ring me!.\.Put y|
0001b0f0 6f 75 72 20 4e 6f 73 65 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 |our Nose to the |
0001b100 47 72 69 6e 64 73 74 6f 6e 65 21 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |Grindstone!.>>- |
0001b110 41 6d 61 6c 67 61 6d 61 74 65 64 20 50 6c 61 73 |Amalgamated Plas|
0001b120 74 69 63 20 53 75 72 67 65 6f 6e 73 20 61 6e 64 |tic Surgeons and|
0001b130 20 54 6f 6f 6c 6d 61 6b 65 72 73 2c 20 4c 74 64 | Toolmakers, Ltd|
0001b140 2e 0a 5c 0a 43 68 69 63 6b 65 6e 20 53 6f 75 70 |..\.Chicken Soup|
0001b150 3a 20 20 41 6e 20 61 6e 63 69 65 6e 74 20 6d 69 |: An ancient mi|
0001b160 72 61 63 6c 65 20 64 72 75 67 20 63 6f 6e 74 61 |racle drug conta|
0001b170 69 6e 69 6e 67 20 65 71 75 61 6c 20 70 61 72 74 |ining equal part|
0001b180 73 20 6f 66 0a 61 75 72 65 6f 6d 79 63 69 6e 2c |s of.aureomycin,|
0001b190 20 63 6f 63 61 69 6e 65 2c 20 69 6e 74 65 72 66 | cocaine, interf|
0001b1a0 65 72 6f 6e 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 54 4c 43 2e 20 20 |eron, and TLC. |
0001b1b0 54 68 65 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 69 6c 6d 65 6e 74 |The only ailment|
0001b1c0 20 63 68 69 63 6b 65 6e 0a 73 6f 75 70 20 63 61 | chicken.soup ca|
0001b1d0 6e 27 74 20 63 75 72 65 20 69 73 20 6e 65 75 72 |n't cure is neur|
0001b1e0 6f 74 69 63 20 64 65 70 65 6e 64 65 6e 63 65 20 |otic dependence |
0001b1f0 6f 6e 20 6f 6e 65 27 73 20 6d 6f 74 68 65 72 2e |on one's mother.|
0001b200 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 74 68 75 72 20 4e 61 69 6d |.>>- Arthur Naim|
0001b210 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 72 65 20 |an.\. There |
0001b220 61 72 65 20 73 6f 6d 65 20 67 6f 79 69 73 68 61 |are some goyisha|
0001b230 20 6e 61 6d 65 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 6a 75 73 74 | names that just|
0001b240 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 67 75 61 72 61 6e 74 65 65 | about guarantee|
0001b250 20 74 68 61 74 0a 73 6f 6d 65 6f 6e 65 20 69 73 | that.someone is|
0001b260 6e 27 74 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 2e 20 20 46 6f 72 |n't Jewish. For|
0001b270 20 65 78 61 6d 70 6c 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 27 6c 6c | example, you'll|
0001b280 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 6d 65 65 74 20 61 20 4a 65 | never meet a Je|
0001b290 77 20 6e 61 6d 65 64 0a 4a 6f 68 6e 73 6f 6e 20 |w named.Johnson |
0001b2a0 6f 72 20 57 72 69 67 68 74 20 6f 72 20 4a 6f 6e |or Wright or Jon|
0001b2b0 65 73 20 6f 72 20 53 69 6e 63 6c 61 69 72 20 6f |es or Sinclair o|
0001b2c0 72 20 52 69 63 6b 73 20 6f 72 20 53 74 65 76 65 |r Ricks or Steve|
0001b2d0 6e 73 6f 6e 20 6f 72 20 52 65 69 64 20 6f 72 0a |nson or Reid or.|
0001b2e0 4c 61 72 73 65 6e 20 6f 72 20 4a 65 6e 6b 73 2e |Larsen or Jenks.|
0001b2f0 20 20 42 75 74 20 73 6f 6d 65 20 67 6f 79 69 73 | But some goyis|
0001b300 68 61 20 6e 61 6d 65 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 61 62 |ha names just ab|
0001b310 6f 75 74 20 67 75 61 72 61 6e 74 65 65 20 74 68 |out guarantee th|
0001b320 61 74 0a 65 76 65 72 79 20 6f 74 68 65 72 20 70 |at.every other p|
0001b330 65 72 73 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 20 6d 65 65 74 20 77 |erson you meet w|
0001b340 69 74 68 20 74 68 61 74 20 6e 61 6d 65 20 77 69 |ith that name wi|
0001b350 6c 6c 20 62 65 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 2e 20 20 57 |ll be Jewish. W|
0001b360 68 79 20 69 73 0a 74 68 69 73 3f 0a 20 20 20 20 |hy is.this?. |
0001b370 20 57 68 6f 20 6b 6e 6f 77 73 3f 20 20 4c 65 61 | Who knows? Lea|
0001b380 72 6e 65 64 20 72 61 62 62 69 73 20 68 61 76 65 |rned rabbis have|
0001b390 20 70 6f 6e 64 65 72 65 64 20 74 68 69 73 20 71 | pondered this q|
0001b3a0 75 65 73 74 69 6f 6e 20 66 6f 72 0a 63 65 6e 74 |uestion for.cent|
0001b3b0 75 72 69 65 73 20 61 6e 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 66 |uries and have f|
0001b3c0 61 69 6c 65 64 20 74 6f 20 63 6f 6d 65 20 75 70 |ailed to come up|
0001b3d0 20 77 69 74 68 20 61 6e 20 61 6e 73 77 65 72 2c | with an answer,|
0001b3e0 20 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 5f | and you think _|
0001b3f0 08 79 5f 08 6f 5f 08 75 0a 63 61 6e 20 66 69 6e |.y_.o_.u.can fin|
0001b400 64 20 6f 6e 65 3f 20 20 47 65 74 20 73 65 72 69 |d one? Get seri|
0001b410 6f 75 73 2e 20 20 59 6f 75 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 |ous. You don't |
0001b420 65 76 65 6e 20 75 6e 64 65 72 73 74 61 6e 64 20 |even understand |
0001b430 77 68 79 20 69 74 27 73 0a 66 6f 72 62 69 64 64 |why it's.forbidd|
0001b440 65 6e 20 74 6f 20 65 61 74 20 63 72 61 62 20 2d |en to eat crab -|
0001b450 2d 20 66 72 65 73 68 20 63 6f 6c 64 20 63 72 61 |- fresh cold cra|
0001b460 62 20 77 69 74 68 20 6d 61 79 6f 6e 6e 61 69 73 |b with mayonnais|
0001b470 65 20 2d 2d 20 6f 72 20 6c 6f 62 73 74 65 72 0a |e -- or lobster.|
0001b480 2d 2d 20 73 6f 66 74 20 74 65 6e 64 65 72 20 6d |-- soft tender m|
0001b490 6f 72 73 65 6c 73 20 6f 66 20 6c 6f 62 73 74 65 |orsels of lobste|
0001b4a0 72 20 64 69 70 70 65 64 20 69 6e 20 6d 65 6c 74 |r dipped in melt|
0001b4b0 65 64 20 62 75 74 74 65 72 2e 20 20 59 6f 75 20 |ed butter. You |
0001b4c0 64 6f 6e 27 74 0a 65 76 65 6e 20 75 6e 64 65 72 |don't.even under|
0001b4d0 73 74 61 6e 64 20 61 20 73 69 6d 70 6c 65 20 74 |stand a simple t|
0001b4e0 68 69 6e 67 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 74 68 61 74 2c 20 |hing like that, |
0001b4f0 61 6e 64 20 79 65 74 20 79 6f 75 20 68 6f 70 65 |and yet you hope|
0001b500 20 74 6f 20 64 69 73 63 6f 76 65 72 0a 77 68 79 | to discover.why|
0001b510 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 61 72 65 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 | there are more |
0001b520 4a 65 77 73 20 6e 61 6d 65 64 20 4d 69 6c 6c 65 |Jews named Mille|
0001b530 72 20 74 68 61 6e 20 4b 61 74 7a 3f 20 20 46 61 |r than Katz? Fa|
0001b540 74 20 43 68 61 6e 63 65 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 |t Chance..>>- Ar|
0001b550 74 68 75 72 20 4e 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 |thur Naiman.\. |
0001b560 20 20 20 41 6e 20 6f 6c 64 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 | An old Jewish|
0001b570 20 6d 61 6e 20 72 65 61 64 73 20 61 62 6f 75 74 | man reads about|
0001b580 20 45 69 6e 73 74 65 69 6e 27 73 20 74 68 65 6f | Einstein's theo|
0001b590 72 79 20 6f 66 20 72 65 6c 61 74 69 76 69 74 79 |ry of relativity|
0001b5a0 0a 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 6e 65 77 73 70 61 70 65 |.in the newspape|
0001b5b0 72 20 61 6e 64 20 61 73 6b 73 20 68 69 73 20 73 |r and asks his s|
0001b5c0 63 69 65 6e 74 69 73 74 20 67 72 61 6e 64 73 6f |cientist grandso|
0001b5d0 6e 20 74 6f 20 65 78 70 6c 61 69 6e 20 69 74 20 |n to explain it |
0001b5e0 74 6f 20 68 69 6d 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 57 65 |to him.. "We|
0001b5f0 6c 6c 2c 20 7a 61 79 64 61 2c 20 69 74 27 73 20 |ll, zayda, it's |
0001b600 73 6f 72 74 20 6f 66 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 74 68 69 |sort of like thi|
0001b610 73 2e 20 20 45 69 6e 73 74 65 69 6e 20 73 61 79 |s. Einstein say|
0001b620 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 69 66 0a 79 6f 75 27 72 65 |s that if.you're|
0001b630 20 68 61 76 69 6e 67 20 79 6f 75 72 20 74 65 65 | having your tee|
0001b640 74 68 20 64 72 69 6c 6c 65 64 20 77 69 74 68 6f |th drilled witho|
0001b650 75 74 20 4e 6f 76 6f 63 61 69 6e 2c 20 61 20 6d |ut Novocain, a m|
0001b660 69 6e 75 74 65 20 73 65 65 6d 73 20 6c 69 6b 65 |inute seems like|
0001b670 0a 61 6e 20 68 6f 75 72 2e 20 20 42 75 74 20 69 |.an hour. But i|
0001b680 66 20 79 6f 75 27 72 65 20 73 69 74 74 69 6e 67 |f you're sitting|
0001b690 20 77 69 74 68 20 61 20 62 65 61 75 74 69 66 75 | with a beautifu|
0001b6a0 6c 20 77 6f 6d 61 6e 20 6f 6e 20 79 6f 75 72 20 |l woman on your |
0001b6b0 6c 61 70 2c 20 61 6e 0a 68 6f 75 72 20 73 65 65 |lap, an.hour see|
0001b6c0 6d 73 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 61 20 6d 69 6e 75 74 65 |ms like a minute|
0001b6d0 2e 22 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 6f 6c 64 20 |.". The old |
0001b6e0 6d 61 6e 20 63 6f 6e 73 69 64 65 72 73 20 74 68 |man considers th|
0001b6f0 69 73 20 70 72 6f 66 6f 75 6e 64 20 62 69 74 20 |is profound bit |
0001b700 6f 66 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 69 6e 67 20 66 6f 72 20 |of thinking for |
0001b710 61 0a 6d 6f 6d 65 6e 74 20 61 6e 64 20 73 61 79 |a.moment and say|
0001b720 73 2c 20 22 41 6e 64 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 74 68 69 |s, "And from thi|
0001b730 73 20 68 65 20 6d 61 6b 65 73 20 61 20 6c 69 76 |s he makes a liv|
0001b740 69 6e 67 3f 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 74 68 75 72 |ing?".>>- Arthur|
0001b750 20 4e 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 47 61 79 20 73 68 | Naiman.\.Gay sh|
0001b760 6c 61 66 65 6e 3a 20 20 59 69 64 64 69 73 68 20 |lafen: Yiddish |
0001b770 66 6f 72 20 22 67 6f 20 74 6f 20 73 6c 65 65 70 |for "go to sleep|
0001b780 22 2e 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4e 6f 77 20 64 6f 65 |"... Now doe|
0001b790 73 6e 27 74 20 22 67 61 79 20 73 68 6c 61 66 65 |sn't "gay shlafe|
0001b7a0 6e 22 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 20 73 6f 66 74 65 72 |n" have a softer|
0001b7b0 2c 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 73 6f 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 |, more soothing |
0001b7c0 73 6f 75 6e 64 0a 74 68 61 6e 20 74 68 65 20 68 |sound.than the h|
0001b7d0 61 72 73 68 2c 20 73 74 61 63 63 61 74 6f 20 22 |arsh, staccato "|
0001b7e0 67 6f 20 74 6f 20 73 6c 65 65 70 22 3f 20 20 4c |go to sleep"? L|
0001b7f0 69 73 74 65 6e 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 64 69 66 |isten to the dif|
0001b800 66 65 72 65 6e 63 65 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 47 |ference:. "G|
0001b810 6f 20 74 6f 20 73 6c 65 65 70 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 |o to sleep, you |
0001b820 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 77 72 65 74 63 68 21 22 20 |little wretch!" |
0001b830 2e 2e 2e 20 22 47 61 79 20 73 68 6c 61 66 65 6e |... "Gay shlafen|
0001b840 2c 20 64 61 72 6c 69 6e 67 2e 22 0a 4f 62 76 69 |, darling.".Obvi|
0001b850 6f 75 73 2c 20 69 73 6e 27 74 20 69 74 3f 0a 20 |ous, isn't it?. |
0001b860 20 20 20 20 43 6c 65 61 72 6c 79 20 74 68 65 20 | Clearly the |
0001b870 62 65 73 74 20 74 68 69 6e 67 20 79 6f 75 20 63 |best thing you c|
0001b880 61 6e 20 64 6f 20 66 6f 72 20 79 6f 75 20 63 68 |an do for you ch|
0001b890 69 6c 64 72 65 6e 20 69 73 20 74 6f 20 73 74 61 |ildren is to sta|
0001b8a0 72 74 0a 73 70 65 61 6b 69 6e 67 20 59 69 64 64 |rt.speaking Yidd|
0001b8b0 69 73 68 20 72 69 67 68 74 20 6e 6f 77 20 61 6e |ish right now an|
0001b8c0 64 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 73 70 65 61 6b 20 61 6e |d never speak an|
0001b8d0 6f 74 68 65 72 20 77 6f 72 64 20 6f 66 20 45 6e |other word of En|
0001b8e0 67 6c 69 73 68 20 61 73 0a 6c 6f 6e 67 20 61 73 |glish as.long as|
0001b8f0 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 76 65 2e 20 20 54 68 69 73 | you live. This|
0001b900 20 77 69 6c 6c 2c 20 6f 66 20 63 6f 75 72 73 65 | will, of course|
0001b910 2c 20 65 6e 74 61 69 6c 20 74 65 61 63 68 69 6e |, entail teachin|
0001b920 67 20 59 69 64 64 69 73 68 20 74 6f 20 61 6c 6c |g Yiddish to all|
0001b930 0a 79 6f 75 72 20 66 72 69 65 6e 64 73 2c 20 62 |.your friends, b|
0001b940 75 73 69 6e 65 73 73 20 61 73 73 6f 63 69 61 74 |usiness associat|
0001b950 65 73 2c 20 74 68 65 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 61 |es, the people a|
0001b960 74 20 74 68 65 20 73 75 70 65 72 6d 61 72 6b 65 |t the supermarke|
0001b970 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 0a 73 6f 20 6f 6e 2c 20 62 75 |t, and.so on, bu|
0001b980 74 20 74 68 61 74 27 73 20 6a 75 73 74 20 74 68 |t that's just th|
0001b990 65 20 70 6f 69 6e 74 2e 20 20 49 74 20 68 61 73 |e point. It has|
0001b9a0 20 74 6f 20 73 74 61 72 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 63 | to start with c|
0001b9b0 6f 6d 6d 69 74 74 65 64 0a 69 6e 64 69 76 69 64 |ommitted.individ|
0001b9c0 75 61 6c 73 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 65 6e 20 67 72 |uals and then gr|
0001b9d0 6f 77 2e 2e 2e 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 53 6f 6d 65 |ow..... Some|
0001b9e0 20 6d 69 6e 6f 72 20 61 64 6a 75 73 74 6d 65 6e | minor adjustmen|
0001b9f0 74 73 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 6f 20 |ts will have to |
0001ba00 62 65 20 6d 61 64 65 2c 20 6f 66 20 63 6f 75 72 |be made, of cour|
0001ba10 73 65 3a 20 74 68 6f 73 65 0a 73 69 67 6e 73 20 |se: those.signs |
0001ba20 77 72 69 74 74 65 6e 20 69 6e 20 77 68 61 74 20 |written in what |
0001ba30 6c 6f 6f 6b 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 59 69 64 64 69 73 |look like Yiddis|
0001ba40 68 20 6c 65 74 74 65 72 73 20 77 6f 6e 27 74 20 |h letters won't |
0001ba50 62 65 20 66 75 6e 6e 79 20 77 68 65 6e 0a 65 76 |be funny when.ev|
0001ba60 65 72 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 77 72 69 74 |erything is writ|
0001ba70 74 65 6e 20 69 6e 20 59 69 64 64 69 73 68 2e 20 |ten in Yiddish. |
0001ba80 20 41 6e 64 20 77 65 27 6c 6c 20 68 61 76 65 20 | And we'll have |
0001ba90 74 6f 20 73 74 61 72 74 20 64 72 69 76 69 6e 67 |to start driving|
0001baa0 20 6f 6e 0a 74 68 65 20 6c 65 66 74 20 73 69 64 | on.the left sid|
0001bab0 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 72 6f 61 64 20 73 6f |e of the road so|
0001bac0 20 77 65 20 77 6f 6e 27 74 20 62 65 20 72 65 61 | we won't be rea|
0001bad0 64 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 73 74 72 65 65 74 20 |ding the street |
0001bae0 73 69 67 6e 73 0a 62 61 63 6b 77 61 72 64 73 2e |signs.backwards.|
0001baf0 20 20 42 75 74 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 6f | But is that to|
0001bb00 6f 20 68 69 67 68 20 61 20 70 72 69 63 65 20 74 |o high a price t|
0001bb10 6f 20 70 61 79 20 66 6f 72 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 20 |o pay for world |
0001bb20 70 65 61 63 65 3f 20 20 49 0a 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 |peace? I.think |
0001bb30 6e 6f 74 2c 20 6d 79 20 66 72 69 65 6e 64 2c 20 |not, my friend, |
0001bb40 49 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 6e 6f 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d |I think not..>>-|
0001bb50 20 41 72 74 68 75 72 20 4e 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c | Arthur Naiman.\|
0001bb60 0a 22 47 6f 64 20 67 69 76 65 73 20 62 75 72 64 |."God gives burd|
0001bb70 65 6e 73 3b 20 61 6c 73 6f 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 |ens; also should|
0001bb80 65 72 73 22 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4a 69 6d 6d 79 |ers".. Jimmy|
0001bb90 20 43 61 72 74 65 72 20 63 69 74 65 64 20 74 68 | Carter cited th|
0001bba0 69 73 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 20 73 61 79 69 6e 67 |is Jewish saying|
0001bbb0 20 69 6e 20 68 69 73 20 63 6f 6e 63 65 73 73 69 | in his concessi|
0001bbc0 6f 6e 20 73 70 65 65 63 68 0a 61 74 20 74 68 65 |on speech.at the|
0001bbd0 20 65 6e 64 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 31 39 38 30 | end of the 1980|
0001bbe0 20 65 6c 65 63 74 69 6f 6e 2e 20 20 41 74 20 6c | election. At l|
0001bbf0 65 61 73 74 20 68 65 20 73 61 69 64 20 69 74 20 |east he said it |
0001bc00 77 61 73 20 61 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 0a 73 61 79 |was a Jewish.say|
0001bc10 69 6e 67 3b 20 49 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 66 69 6e |ing; I can't fin|
0001bc20 64 20 69 74 20 61 6e 79 77 68 65 72 65 2e 20 20 |d it anywhere. |
0001bc30 49 27 6d 20 73 75 72 65 20 68 65 27 73 20 74 65 |I'm sure he's te|
0001bc40 6c 6c 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 74 72 75 74 68 0a |lling the truth.|
0001bc50 74 68 6f 75 67 68 3b 20 77 68 79 20 77 6f 75 6c |though; why woul|
0001bc60 64 20 68 65 20 6c 69 65 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 61 |d he lie about a|
0001bc70 20 74 68 69 6e 67 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 74 68 61 74 | thing like that|
0001bc80 3f 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 74 68 75 72 20 4e 61 69 |?.>>- Arthur Nai|
0001bc90 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 47 6f 79 3a 20 2e 2e 2e 20 54 |man.\.Goy: ... T|
0001bca0 68 65 20 64 69 73 74 69 6e 63 74 69 6f 6e 20 62 |he distinction b|
0001bcb0 65 74 77 65 65 6e 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 20 61 6e |etween Jewish an|
0001bcc0 64 20 67 6f 79 69 73 68 20 63 61 6e 20 62 65 20 |d goyish can be |
0001bcd0 71 75 69 74 65 20 73 75 62 74 6c 65 2c 0a 61 73 |quite subtle,.as|
0001bce0 20 74 68 65 20 66 6f 6c 6c 6f 77 69 6e 67 20 71 | the following q|
0001bcf0 75 6f 74 65 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 4c 65 6e 6e 79 20 |uote from Lenny |
0001bd00 42 72 75 63 65 20 69 6c 6c 75 73 74 72 61 74 65 |Bruce illustrate|
0001bd10 73 3a 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 49 27 6d 20 4a 65 |s:.. "I'm Je|
0001bd20 77 69 73 68 2e 20 20 43 6f 75 6e 74 20 42 61 73 |wish. Count Bas|
0001bd30 69 65 27 73 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 2e 20 20 52 61 |ie's Jewish. Ra|
0001bd40 79 20 43 68 61 72 6c 65 73 20 69 73 20 4a 65 77 |y Charles is Jew|
0001bd50 69 73 68 2e 0a 45 64 64 69 65 20 43 61 6e 74 6f |ish..Eddie Canto|
0001bd60 72 27 73 20 67 6f 79 69 73 68 2e 20 20 54 68 65 |r's goyish. The|
0001bd70 20 42 27 6e 61 69 20 42 72 69 74 68 20 69 73 20 | B'nai Brith is |
0001bd80 67 6f 79 69 73 68 2e 20 20 54 68 65 20 48 61 64 |goyish. The Had|
0001bd90 61 73 73 61 68 20 69 73 0a 4a 65 77 69 73 68 2e |assah is.Jewish.|
0001bda0 20 20 4d 61 72 69 6e 65 20 43 6f 72 70 73 20 2d | Marine Corps -|
0001bdb0 2d 20 68 65 61 76 79 20 67 6f 79 69 73 68 2c 20 |- heavy goyish, |
0001bdc0 64 61 6e 67 65 72 6f 75 73 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |dangerous.. |
0001bdd0 22 4b 6f 6f 6c 2d 41 69 64 20 69 73 20 67 6f 79 |"Kool-Aid is goy|
0001bde0 69 73 68 2e 20 20 41 6c 6c 20 44 72 61 6b 65 27 |ish. All Drake'|
0001bdf0 73 20 43 61 6b 65 73 20 61 72 65 20 67 6f 79 69 |s Cakes are goyi|
0001be00 73 68 2e 0a 50 75 6d 70 65 72 6e 69 63 6b 65 6c |sh..Pumpernickel|
0001be10 20 69 73 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 20 61 6e 64 2c 20 | is Jewish and, |
0001be20 61 73 20 79 6f 75 20 6b 6e 6f 77 2c 20 77 68 69 |as you know, whi|
0001be30 74 65 20 62 72 65 61 64 20 69 73 20 76 65 72 79 |te bread is very|
0001be40 20 67 6f 79 69 73 68 2e 0a 49 6e 73 74 61 6e 74 | goyish..Instant|
0001be50 20 70 6f 74 61 74 6f 65 73 20 2d 2d 20 67 6f 79 | potatoes -- goy|
0001be60 69 73 68 2e 20 20 42 6c 61 63 6b 20 63 68 65 72 |ish. Black cher|
0001be70 72 79 20 73 6f 64 61 27 73 20 76 65 72 79 20 4a |ry soda's very J|
0001be80 65 77 69 73 68 2e 0a 4d 61 63 61 72 6f 6f 6e 73 |ewish..Macaroons|
0001be90 20 61 72 65 20 5f 08 76 5f 08 65 5f 08 72 5f 08 | are _.v_.e_.r_.|
0001bea0 79 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 2e 20 20 46 72 75 69 74 |y Jewish. Fruit|
0001beb0 20 73 61 6c 61 64 20 69 73 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 | salad is Jewish|
0001bec0 2e 20 20 4c 69 6d 65 20 4a 65 6c 6c 2d 4f 20 69 |. Lime Jell-O i|
0001bed0 73 0a 67 6f 79 69 73 68 2e 20 20 4c 69 6d 65 20 |s.goyish. Lime |
0001bee0 73 6f 64 61 20 69 73 20 5f 08 76 5f 08 65 5f 08 |soda is _.v_.e_.|
0001bef0 72 5f 08 79 20 67 6f 79 69 73 68 2e 20 20 54 72 |r_.y goyish. Tr|
0001bf00 61 69 6c 65 72 20 70 61 72 6b 73 20 61 72 65 20 |ailer parks are |
0001bf10 73 6f 20 67 6f 79 69 73 68 20 74 68 61 74 0a 4a |so goyish that.J|
0001bf20 65 77 73 20 77 6f 6e 27 74 20 67 6f 20 6e 65 61 |ews won't go nea|
0001bf30 72 20 74 68 65 6d 2e 2e 2e 22 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |r them..."..>>- |
0001bf40 41 72 74 68 75 72 20 4e 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a |Arthur Naiman.\.|
0001bf50 4f 6e 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 6f 6c 64 65 73 |One of the oldes|
0001bf60 74 20 70 72 6f 62 6c 65 6d 73 20 70 75 7a 7a 6c |t problems puzzl|
0001bf70 65 64 20 6f 76 65 72 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 54 |ed over in the T|
0001bf80 61 6c 6d 75 64 20 69 73 3a 20 22 57 68 79 20 64 |almud is: "Why d|
0001bf90 69 64 20 47 6f 64 0a 63 72 65 61 74 65 20 67 6f |id God.create go|
0001bfa0 79 69 6d 3f 22 20 20 54 68 65 20 67 65 6e 65 72 |yim?" The gener|
0001bfb0 61 6c 6c 79 20 61 63 63 65 70 74 65 64 20 61 6e |ally accepted an|
0001bfc0 73 77 65 72 20 69 73 20 22 5f 08 73 5f 08 6f 5f |swer is "_.s_.o_|
0001bfd0 08 6d 5f 08 65 5f 08 62 5f 08 6f 5f 08 64 5f 08 |.m_.e_.b_.o_.d_.|
0001bfe0 79 20 68 61 73 20 74 6f 20 62 75 79 0a 72 65 74 |y has to buy.ret|
0001bff0 61 69 6c 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 74 68 75 72 |ail.".>>- Arthur|
0001c000 20 4e 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 48 61 6c 66 2d 64 | Naiman.\.Half-d|
0001c010 6f 6e 65 3a 20 20 54 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 74 68 |one: This is th|
0001c020 65 20 62 65 73 74 20 77 61 79 20 74 6f 20 65 61 |e best way to ea|
0001c030 74 20 61 20 6b 6f 73 68 65 72 20 64 69 6c 6c 20 |t a kosher dill |
0001c040 2d 2d 20 77 68 65 6e 20 69 74 27 73 0a 73 74 69 |-- when it's.sti|
0001c050 6c 6c 20 63 72 75 6e 63 68 79 2c 20 6c 69 67 68 |ll crunchy, ligh|
0001c060 74 20 67 72 65 65 6e 2c 20 79 65 74 20 66 75 6c |t green, yet ful|
0001c070 6c 20 6f 66 20 67 61 72 6c 69 63 20 66 6c 61 76 |l of garlic flav|
0001c080 6f 72 2e 20 20 54 68 65 20 64 69 66 66 65 72 65 |or. The differe|
0001c090 6e 63 65 0a 62 65 74 77 65 65 6e 20 74 68 69 73 |nce.between this|
0001c0a0 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 74 79 70 69 63 61 6c | and the typical|
0001c0b0 20 73 6f 67 67 79 20 64 61 72 6b 20 67 72 65 65 | soggy dark gree|
0001c0c0 6e 20 63 75 63 75 6d 62 65 72 20 63 6f 72 70 73 |n cucumber corps|
0001c0d0 65 20 69 73 20 6c 69 6b 65 0a 74 68 65 20 74 68 |e is like.the th|
0001c0e0 65 20 64 69 66 66 65 72 65 6e 63 65 20 62 65 74 |e difference bet|
0001c0f0 77 65 65 6e 20 6c 69 66 65 20 61 6e 64 20 64 65 |ween life and de|
0001c100 61 74 68 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 59 6f 75 20 6d 61 |ath.. You ma|
0001c110 79 20 66 69 6e 64 20 69 74 20 64 69 66 66 69 63 |y find it diffic|
0001c120 75 6c 74 20 74 6f 20 66 69 6e 64 20 61 20 67 6f |ult to find a go|
0001c130 6f 64 20 68 61 6c 66 2d 64 6f 6e 65 20 6b 6f 73 |od half-done kos|
0001c140 68 65 72 20 64 69 6c 6c 0a 74 68 65 72 65 20 69 |her dill.there i|
0001c150 6e 20 53 65 61 74 74 6c 65 2c 20 73 6f 20 77 68 |n Seattle, so wh|
0001c160 61 74 20 79 6f 75 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 64 6f |at you should do|
0001c170 20 69 73 20 74 61 6b 65 20 61 20 63 61 62 20 6f | is take a cab o|
0001c180 75 74 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 0a 61 69 72 70 6f 72 |ut to the.airpor|
0001c190 74 2c 20 66 6c 79 20 74 6f 20 4e 65 77 20 59 6f |t, fly to New Yo|
0001c1a0 72 6b 2c 20 74 61 6b 65 20 74 68 65 20 4a 46 4b |rk, take the JFK|
0001c1b0 20 45 78 70 72 65 73 73 20 74 6f 20 4a 61 79 20 | Express to Jay |
0001c1c0 53 74 72 65 65 74 2d 42 6f 72 6f 75 67 68 0a 48 |Street-Borough.H|
0001c1d0 61 6c 6c 2c 20 74 72 61 6e 73 66 65 72 20 74 6f |all, transfer to|
0001c1e0 20 61 6e 20 75 70 74 6f 77 6e 20 46 2c 20 67 65 | an uptown F, ge|
0001c1f0 74 20 6f 66 66 20 61 74 20 45 61 73 74 20 42 72 |t off at East Br|
0001c200 6f 61 64 77 61 79 2c 20 77 61 6c 6b 20 6e 6f 72 |oadway, walk nor|
0001c210 74 68 20 6f 6e 0a 45 73 73 65 78 20 28 61 6c 6f |th on.Essex (alo|
0001c220 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 70 61 72 6b 29 2c 20 6d 61 |ng the park), ma|
0001c230 6b 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 69 72 73 74 20 6c 65 |ke your first le|
0001c240 66 74 20 6f 6e 74 6f 20 48 65 73 74 65 72 20 53 |ft onto Hester S|
0001c250 74 72 65 65 74 2c 20 77 61 6c 6b 0a 61 62 6f 75 |treet, walk.abou|
0001c260 74 20 66 69 66 74 65 65 6e 20 73 74 65 70 73 2c |t fifteen steps,|
0001c270 20 74 75 72 6e 20 6e 69 6e 65 74 79 20 64 65 67 | turn ninety deg|
0001c280 72 65 65 73 20 6c 65 66 74 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 73 |rees left, and s|
0001c290 74 6f 70 2e 20 20 53 61 79 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 |top. Say to the|
0001c2a0 0a 6d 61 6e 2c 20 22 4c 65 74 20 6d 65 20 68 61 |.man, "Let me ha|
0001c2b0 76 65 20 61 20 6e 69 63 65 20 68 61 6c 66 2d 64 |ve a nice half-d|
0001c2c0 6f 6e 65 2e 22 0a 20 20 20 20 20 57 6f 72 74 68 |one.". Worth|
0001c2d0 20 74 68 65 20 74 72 6f 75 62 6c 65 2c 20 77 61 | the trouble, wa|
0001c2e0 73 6e 27 74 20 69 74 3f 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 74 |sn't it?.>>- Art|
0001c2f0 68 75 72 20 4e 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 |hur Naiman.\. |
0001c300 20 20 41 20 6d 61 6e 20 67 6f 65 73 20 74 6f 20 | A man goes to |
0001c310 61 20 74 61 69 6c 6f 72 20 74 6f 20 74 72 79 20 |a tailor to try |
0001c320 6f 6e 20 61 20 6e 65 77 20 63 75 73 74 6f 6d 2d |on a new custom-|
0001c330 6d 61 64 65 20 73 75 69 74 2e 20 20 54 68 65 0a |made suit. The.|
0001c340 66 69 72 73 74 20 74 68 69 6e 67 20 68 65 20 6e |first thing he n|
0001c350 6f 74 69 63 65 73 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 |otices is that t|
0001c360 68 65 20 61 72 6d 73 20 61 72 65 20 74 6f 6f 20 |he arms are too |
0001c370 6c 6f 6e 67 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 4e 6f 20 70 |long.. "No p|
0001c380 72 6f 62 6c 65 6d 2c 22 20 73 61 79 73 20 74 68 |roblem," says th|
0001c390 65 20 74 61 69 6c 6f 72 2e 20 20 22 4a 75 73 74 |e tailor. "Just|
0001c3a0 20 62 65 6e 64 20 74 68 65 6d 20 61 74 20 74 68 | bend them at th|
0001c3b0 65 20 65 6c 62 6f 77 0a 61 6e 64 20 68 6f 6c 64 |e elbow.and hold|
0001c3c0 20 74 68 65 6d 20 6f 75 74 20 69 6e 20 66 72 6f | them out in fro|
0001c3d0 6e 74 20 6f 66 20 79 6f 75 2e 20 20 53 65 65 2c |nt of you. See,|
0001c3e0 20 6e 6f 77 20 69 74 27 73 20 66 69 6e 65 2e 22 | now it's fine."|
0001c3f0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 42 75 74 20 74 68 65 20 63 |. "But the c|
0001c400 6f 6c 6c 61 72 20 69 73 20 75 70 20 61 72 6f 75 |ollar is up arou|
0001c410 6e 64 20 6d 79 20 65 61 72 73 21 22 0a 20 20 20 |nd my ears!". |
0001c420 20 20 22 49 74 27 73 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 2e | "It's nothing.|
0001c430 20 20 4a 75 73 74 20 68 75 6e 63 68 20 79 6f 75 | Just hunch you|
0001c440 72 20 62 61 63 6b 20 75 70 20 61 20 6c 69 74 74 |r back up a litt|
0001c450 6c 65 2e 2e 2e 6e 6f 2c 20 61 20 6c 69 74 74 6c |le...no, a littl|
0001c460 65 0a 6d 6f 72 65 2e 2e 2e 74 68 61 74 27 73 20 |e.more...that's |
0001c470 69 74 2e 22 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 42 75 74 20 49 |it.". "But I|
0001c480 27 6d 20 73 74 65 70 70 69 6e 67 20 6f 6e 20 6d |'m stepping on m|
0001c490 79 20 63 75 66 66 73 21 22 20 74 68 65 20 6d 61 |y cuffs!" the ma|
0001c4a0 6e 20 63 72 69 65 73 20 69 6e 20 64 65 73 70 65 |n cries in despe|
0001c4b0 72 61 74 69 6f 6e 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 4e 75 |ration.. "Nu|
0001c4c0 2c 20 62 65 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 20 6b 6e 65 65 73 |, bend you knees|
0001c4d0 20 61 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 74 6f 20 74 61 6b | a little to tak|
0001c4e0 65 20 75 70 20 74 68 65 20 73 6c 61 63 6b 2e 20 |e up the slack. |
0001c4f0 20 54 68 65 72 65 20 79 6f 75 0a 67 6f 2e 20 20 | There you.go. |
0001c500 4c 6f 6f 6b 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 6d 69 72 72 |Look in the mirr|
0001c510 6f 72 20 2d 2d 20 74 68 65 20 73 75 69 74 20 66 |or -- the suit f|
0001c520 69 74 73 20 70 65 72 66 65 63 74 6c 79 2e 22 0a |its perfectly.".|
0001c530 20 20 20 20 20 53 6f 2c 20 74 77 69 73 74 65 64 | So, twisted|
0001c540 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 61 20 70 72 65 74 7a 65 6c 2c | like a pretzel,|
0001c550 20 74 68 65 20 6d 61 6e 20 6c 75 72 63 68 65 73 | the man lurches|
0001c560 20 6f 75 74 20 6f 6e 74 6f 20 74 68 65 0a 73 74 | out onto the.st|
0001c570 72 65 65 74 2e 20 20 52 65 62 61 20 61 6e 64 20 |reet. Reba and |
0001c580 46 6c 6f 72 65 6e 63 65 20 73 65 65 20 68 69 6d |Florence see him|
0001c590 20 67 6f 20 62 79 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 4f 68 | go by.. "Oh|
0001c5a0 2c 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 2c 22 20 73 61 79 73 20 52 65 |, look," says Re|
0001c5b0 62 61 2c 20 22 74 68 61 74 20 70 6f 6f 72 20 6d |ba, "that poor m|
0001c5c0 61 6e 21 22 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 59 65 73 2c 22 |an!". "Yes,"|
0001c5d0 20 73 61 79 73 20 46 6c 6f 72 65 6e 63 65 2c 20 | says Florence, |
0001c5e0 22 62 75 74 20 77 68 61 74 20 61 20 62 65 61 75 |"but what a beau|
0001c5f0 74 69 66 75 6c 20 73 75 69 74 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d |tiful suit.".>>-|
0001c600 20 41 72 74 68 75 72 20 4e 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c | Arthur Naiman.\|
0001c610 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4d 75 72 72 61 79 20 61 6e 64 |. Murray and|
0001c620 20 45 73 74 68 65 72 2c 20 61 20 6d 69 64 64 6c | Esther, a middl|
0001c630 65 2d 61 67 65 64 20 4a 65 77 69 73 68 20 63 6f |e-aged Jewish co|
0001c640 75 70 6c 65 2c 20 61 72 65 20 74 6f 75 72 69 6e |uple, are tourin|
0001c650 67 0a 43 68 69 6c 65 2e 20 20 4d 75 72 72 61 79 |g.Chile. Murray|
0001c660 20 6a 75 73 74 20 67 6f 74 20 61 20 6e 65 77 20 | just got a new |
0001c670 63 61 6d 65 72 61 20 61 6e 64 20 69 73 20 63 6f |camera and is co|
0001c680 6e 73 74 61 6e 74 6c 79 20 73 6e 61 70 70 69 6e |nstantly snappin|
0001c690 67 0a 70 69 63 74 75 72 65 73 2e 20 20 4f 6e 65 |g.pictures. One|
0001c6a0 20 64 61 79 2c 20 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 20 6b 6e | day, without kn|
0001c6b0 6f 77 69 6e 67 20 69 74 2c 20 68 65 20 70 68 6f |owing it, he pho|
0001c6c0 74 6f 67 72 61 70 68 73 20 61 20 74 6f 70 2d 73 |tographs a top-s|
0001c6d0 65 63 72 65 74 0a 6d 69 6c 69 74 61 72 79 20 69 |ecret.military i|
0001c6e0 6e 73 74 61 6c 6c 61 74 69 6f 6e 2e 20 20 49 6e |nstallation. In|
0001c6f0 20 61 6e 20 69 6e 73 74 61 6e 74 2c 20 61 72 6d | an instant, arm|
0001c700 65 64 20 74 72 6f 6f 70 73 20 73 75 72 72 6f 75 |ed troops surrou|
0001c710 6e 64 20 4d 75 72 72 61 79 20 61 6e 64 0a 45 73 |nd Murray and.Es|
0001c720 74 68 65 72 20 61 6e 64 20 68 75 73 74 6c 65 20 |ther and hustle |
0001c730 74 68 65 6d 20 6f 66 66 20 74 6f 20 70 72 69 73 |them off to pris|
0001c740 6f 6e 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 79 20 63 61 |on.. They ca|
0001c750 6e 27 74 20 70 72 6f 76 65 20 77 68 6f 20 74 68 |n't prove who th|
0001c760 65 79 20 61 72 65 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 74 |ey are because t|
0001c770 68 65 79 27 76 65 20 6c 65 66 74 20 74 68 65 69 |hey've left thei|
0001c780 72 0a 70 61 73 73 70 6f 72 74 73 20 69 6e 20 74 |r.passports in t|
0001c790 68 65 69 72 20 68 6f 74 65 6c 20 72 6f 6f 6d 2e |heir hotel room.|
0001c7a0 20 20 46 6f 72 20 74 68 72 65 65 20 77 65 65 6b | For three week|
0001c7b0 73 20 74 68 65 79 27 72 65 20 74 6f 72 74 75 72 |s they're tortur|
0001c7c0 65 64 20 64 61 79 0a 61 6e 64 20 6e 69 67 68 74 |ed day.and night|
0001c7d0 20 74 6f 20 67 65 74 20 74 68 65 6d 20 74 6f 20 | to get them to |
0001c7e0 6e 61 6d 65 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 63 6f 6e 74 61 |name their conta|
0001c7f0 63 74 73 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 6c 69 62 65 72 |cts in the liber|
0001c800 61 74 69 6f 6e 0a 6d 6f 76 65 6d 65 6e 74 2e 2e |ation.movement..|
0001c810 20 20 46 69 6e 61 6c 6c 79 20 74 68 65 79 27 72 | Finally they'r|
0001c820 65 20 68 61 75 6c 65 64 20 69 6e 20 66 72 6f 6e |e hauled in fron|
0001c830 74 20 6f 66 20 61 20 6d 69 6c 69 74 61 72 79 20 |t of a military |
0001c840 63 6f 75 72 74 2c 0a 63 68 61 72 67 65 64 20 77 |court,.charged w|
0001c850 69 74 68 20 65 73 70 69 6f 6e 61 67 65 2c 20 61 |ith espionage, a|
0001c860 6e 64 20 73 65 6e 74 65 6e 63 65 64 20 74 6f 20 |nd sentenced to |
0001c870 64 65 61 74 68 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 |death.. The |
0001c880 6e 65 78 74 20 6d 6f 72 6e 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 |next morning the|
0001c890 79 27 72 65 20 6c 69 6e 65 64 20 75 70 20 69 6e |y're lined up in|
0001c8a0 20 66 72 6f 6e 74 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 77 61 | front of the wa|
0001c8b0 6c 6c 20 77 68 65 72 65 0a 74 68 65 79 27 6c 6c |ll where.they'll|
0001c8c0 20 62 65 20 73 68 6f 74 2e 20 20 54 68 65 20 73 | be shot. The s|
0001c8d0 65 72 67 65 61 6e 74 20 69 6e 20 63 68 61 72 67 |ergeant in charg|
0001c8e0 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 66 69 72 69 6e 67 20 |e of the firing |
0001c8f0 73 71 75 61 64 20 61 73 6b 73 20 74 68 65 6d 0a |squad asks them.|
0001c900 69 66 20 74 68 65 79 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 6e 79 |if they have any|
0001c910 20 6c 61 73 74 73 20 72 65 71 75 65 73 74 73 2e | lasts requests.|
0001c920 20 20 45 73 74 68 65 72 20 77 61 6e 74 73 20 74 | Esther wants t|
0001c930 6f 20 6b 6e 6f 77 20 69 66 20 73 68 65 20 63 61 |o know if she ca|
0001c940 6e 20 63 61 6c 6c 0a 68 65 72 20 64 61 75 67 68 |n call.her daugh|
0001c950 74 65 72 20 69 6e 20 43 68 69 63 61 67 6f 2e 20 |ter in Chicago. |
0001c960 20 54 68 65 20 73 65 72 67 65 61 6e 74 20 73 61 | The sergeant sa|
0001c970 79 73 20 68 65 27 73 20 73 6f 72 72 79 2c 20 74 |ys he's sorry, t|
0001c980 68 61 74 27 73 20 6e 6f 74 0a 70 6f 73 73 69 62 |hat's not.possib|
0001c990 6c 65 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 75 72 6e 73 20 74 6f |le, and turns to|
0001c9a0 20 4d 75 72 72 61 79 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 54 | Murray.. "T|
0001c9b0 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 63 72 61 7a 79 21 22 20 4d |his is crazy!" M|
0001c9c0 75 72 72 61 79 20 73 68 6f 75 74 73 2e 20 20 22 |urray shouts. "|
0001c9d0 57 65 27 72 65 20 6e 6f 74 20 73 70 69 65 73 21 |We're not spies!|
0001c9e0 22 20 20 41 6e 64 20 68 65 0a 73 70 69 74 73 20 |" And he.spits |
0001c9f0 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 73 65 72 67 65 61 6e 74 73 |in the sergeants|
0001ca00 20 66 61 63 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 4d 75 72 | face.. "Mur|
0001ca10 72 61 79 21 22 20 45 73 74 68 65 72 20 63 72 69 |ray!" Esther cri|
0001ca20 65 73 2e 20 20 22 50 6c 65 61 73 65 21 20 20 44 |es. "Please! D|
0001ca30 6f 6e 27 74 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 74 72 6f 75 62 6c |on't make troubl|
0001ca40 65 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 72 74 68 75 72 20 4e |e.".>>- Arthur N|
0001ca50 61 69 6d 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 53 68 61 6d 75 73 3a 20 |aiman.\.Shamus: |
0001ca60 41 20 73 68 61 6d 75 73 20 69 73 20 61 20 67 75 |A shamus is a gu|
0001ca70 79 20 77 68 6f 20 74 61 6b 65 73 20 63 61 72 65 |y who takes care|
0001ca80 20 6f 66 20 68 61 6e 64 79 6d 61 6e 20 74 61 73 | of handyman tas|
0001ca90 6b 73 20 61 72 6f 75 6e 64 20 74 68 65 0a 74 65 |ks around the.te|
0001caa0 6d 70 6c 65 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6d 61 6b 65 73 20 |mple, and makes |
0001cab0 73 75 72 65 20 65 76 65 72 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 |sure everything |
0001cac0 69 73 20 69 6e 20 77 6f 72 6b 69 6e 67 20 6f 72 |is in working or|
0001cad0 64 65 72 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 20 73 68 61 6d |der.. A sham|
0001cae0 75 73 20 69 73 20 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 62 6f 74 |us is at the bot|
0001caf0 74 6f 6d 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 70 65 63 6b 69 |tom of the pecki|
0001cb00 6e 67 20 6f 72 64 65 72 20 6f 66 20 73 79 6e 61 |ng order of syna|
0001cb10 67 6f 67 0a 66 75 6e 63 74 69 6f 6e 61 72 69 65 |gog.functionarie|
0001cb20 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 65 72 65 27 73 20 61 |s, and there's a|
0001cb30 20 6a 6f 6b 65 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 68 61 74 | joke about that|
0001cb40 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 20 72 61 62 62 69 2c 20 |:. A rabbi, |
0001cb50 74 6f 20 73 68 6f 77 20 68 69 73 20 68 75 6d 69 |to show his humi|
0001cb60 6c 69 74 79 20 62 65 66 6f 72 65 20 47 6f 64 2c |lity before God,|
0001cb70 20 63 72 69 65 73 20 6f 75 74 20 69 6e 20 74 68 | cries out in th|
0001cb80 65 0a 6d 69 64 64 6c 65 20 6f 66 20 61 20 73 65 |e.middle of a se|
0001cb90 72 76 69 63 65 2c 20 22 4f 68 2c 20 4c 6f 72 64 |rvice, "Oh, Lord|
0001cba0 2c 20 49 20 61 6d 20 6e 6f 62 6f 64 79 21 22 20 |, I am nobody!" |
0001cbb0 20 54 68 65 20 63 61 6e 74 6f 72 2c 20 6e 6f 74 | The cantor, not|
0001cbc0 20 74 6f 20 62 65 0a 62 65 73 74 65 64 2c 20 61 | to be.bested, a|
0001cbd0 6c 73 6f 20 63 72 69 65 73 20 6f 75 74 2c 20 22 |lso cries out, "|
0001cbe0 4f 68 2c 20 4c 6f 72 64 2c 20 49 20 61 6d 20 6e |Oh, Lord, I am n|
0001cbf0 6f 62 6f 64 79 21 22 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 |obody!". The|
0001cc00 20 73 68 61 6d 75 73 2c 20 64 65 65 70 6c 79 20 | shamus, deeply |
0001cc10 6d 6f 76 65 64 2c 20 66 6f 6c 6c 6f 77 73 20 73 |moved, follows s|
0001cc20 75 69 74 20 61 6e 64 20 63 72 69 65 73 2c 20 22 |uit and cries, "|
0001cc30 4f 68 2c 20 4c 6f 72 64 2c 20 49 0a 61 6d 20 6e |Oh, Lord, I.am n|
0001cc40 6f 62 6f 64 79 21 22 20 20 54 68 65 20 72 61 62 |obody!" The rab|
0001cc50 62 69 20 74 75 72 6e 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 |bi turns to the |
0001cc60 63 61 6e 74 6f 72 20 61 6e 64 20 73 61 79 73 2c |cantor and says,|
0001cc70 20 22 4c 6f 6f 6b 20 77 68 6f 20 74 68 69 6e 6b | "Look who think|
0001cc80 73 0a 68 65 27 73 20 6e 6f 62 6f 64 79 21 22 0a |s.he's nobody!".|
0001cc90 5c 0a 22 49 20 61 6d 20 6e 6f 74 20 61 6e 20 45 |\."I am not an E|
0001cca0 63 6f 6e 6f 6d 69 73 74 2e 20 20 49 20 61 6d 20 |conomist. I am |
0001ccb0 61 6e 20 68 6f 6e 65 73 74 20 6d 61 6e 21 22 0a |an honest man!".|
0001ccc0 3e 3e 2d 20 50 61 75 6c 20 4d 63 43 72 61 63 6b |>>- Paul McCrack|
0001ccd0 65 6e 0a 5c 0a 44 79 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 61 20 |en.\.Dying is a |
0001cce0 76 65 72 79 20 64 75 6c 6c 2c 20 64 72 65 61 72 |very dull, drear|
0001ccf0 79 20 61 66 66 61 69 72 2e 20 20 41 6e 64 20 6d |y affair. And m|
0001cd00 79 20 61 64 76 69 63 65 20 74 6f 20 79 6f 75 20 |y advice to you |
0001cd10 69 73 20 74 6f 0a 68 61 76 65 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 |is to.have nothi|
0001cd20 6e 67 20 77 68 61 74 65 76 65 72 20 74 6f 20 64 |ng whatever to d|
0001cd30 6f 20 77 69 74 68 20 69 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 |o with it..>>- W|
0001cd40 2e 20 53 6f 6d 65 72 73 65 74 20 4d 61 75 67 68 |. Somerset Maugh|
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0001d800 42 65 20 64 69 66 66 65 72 65 6e 74 3a 20 63 6f |Be different: co|
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0001d880 65 68 6c 6f 67 20 41 6c 62 72 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 51 |ehlog Albran.\.Q|
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0001d930 49 74 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 64 65 70 65 6e 64 20 75 |It will depend u|
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0001d970 3a 20 57 68 61 74 20 68 61 70 70 65 6e 73 20 69 |: What happens i|
0001d980 66 20 79 6f 75 27 76 65 20 67 6f 74 20 54 57 4f |f you've got TWO|
0001d990 20 66 6c 61 74 73 3f 0a 41 3a 20 54 68 65 79 20 | flats?.A: They |
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0001d9f0 20 20 20 48 65 20 74 68 65 6e 20 73 61 69 64 3a | He then said:|
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0001db50 53 75 63 68 20 61 20 6d 61 6e 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 |Such a man would|
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0001db80 20 20 20 20 53 75 63 68 20 61 20 6d 61 6e 20 77 | Such a man w|
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0001dbc0 4b 65 68 6c 6f 67 20 41 6c 62 72 61 6e 0a 5c 0a |Kehlog Albran.\.|
0001dbd0 22 53 74 65 61 6c 69 6e 67 20 61 20 72 68 69 6e |"Stealing a rhin|
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0001dc10 41 20 70 72 69 65 73 74 20 61 73 6b 65 64 3a 20 |A priest asked: |
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0001dc30 73 74 65 72 3f 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 |ster?.. And |
0001dc40 68 65 20 61 6e 73 77 65 72 65 64 3a 0a 20 20 20 |he answered:. |
0001dc50 20 20 49 74 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 68 69 | It is that whi|
0001dc60 63 68 20 67 69 76 65 73 20 61 20 62 65 61 73 74 |ch gives a beast|
0001dc70 20 6f 66 20 62 75 72 64 65 6e 20 69 74 73 20 72 | of burden its r|
0001dc80 65 61 73 6f 6e 20 66 6f 72 0a 65 78 69 73 74 65 |eason for.existe|
0001dc90 6e 63 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 74 20 69 73 20 |nce.. It is |
0001dca0 74 68 61 74 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 6d 65 6e 20 69 |that which men i|
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0001dce0 20 20 49 74 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 68 69 | It is that whi|
0001dcf0 63 68 20 68 61 73 20 63 61 75 73 65 64 20 6e 61 |ch has caused na|
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0001dd10 79 77 61 79 73 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 43 69 74 79 0a |yways from City.|
0001dd20 74 6f 20 43 69 74 79 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 77 68 69 |to City upon whi|
0001dd30 63 68 20 63 61 72 74 73 20 61 6e 64 20 63 6f 61 |ch carts and coa|
0001dd40 63 68 65 73 20 70 61 73 73 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 61 |ches pass, and a|
0001dd50 6c 6f 6e 67 73 69 64 65 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 69 |longside which i|
0001dd60 6e 6e 73 0a 68 61 76 65 20 63 6f 6d 65 20 74 6f |nns.have come to|
0001dd70 20 62 65 20 62 75 69 6c 74 20 74 6f 20 73 74 61 | be built to sta|
0001dd80 76 65 20 6f 66 66 20 48 75 6e 67 65 72 2c 20 54 |ve off Hunger, T|
0001dd90 68 69 72 73 74 20 61 6e 64 20 57 65 61 72 69 6e |hirst and Wearin|
0001dda0 65 73 73 2e 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 74 |ess... And t|
0001ddb0 68 61 74 20 69 73 20 46 61 74 65 3f 20 20 73 61 |hat is Fate? sa|
0001ddc0 69 64 20 74 68 65 20 70 72 69 65 73 74 2e 0a 0a |id the priest...|
0001ddd0 20 20 20 20 20 46 61 74 65 2e 2e 2e 20 49 20 74 | Fate... I t|
0001dde0 68 6f 75 67 68 74 20 79 6f 75 20 73 61 69 64 20 |hought you said |
0001ddf0 46 72 65 69 67 68 74 2c 20 72 65 73 70 6f 6e 64 |Freight, respond|
0001de00 65 64 20 74 68 65 20 4d 61 73 74 65 72 2e 0a 0a |ed the Master...|
0001de10 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 61 74 27 73 20 61 6c 6c 20 | That's all |
0001de20 72 69 67 68 74 2c 20 73 61 69 64 20 74 68 65 20 |right, said the |
0001de30 70 72 69 65 73 74 2e 20 20 49 20 77 61 6e 74 65 |priest. I wante|
0001de40 64 20 74 6f 20 6b 6e 6f 77 0a 77 68 61 74 20 46 |d to know.what F|
0001de50 72 65 69 67 68 74 20 77 61 73 20 74 6f 6f 2e 0a |reight was too..|
0001de60 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4b 65 68 6c 6f 67 20 41 6c 62 72 |.>>- Kehlog Albr|
0001de70 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 22 49 74 20 69 73 20 65 61 73 69 |an.\."It is easi|
0001de80 65 72 20 66 6f 72 20 61 20 63 61 6d 65 6c 20 74 |er for a camel t|
0001de90 6f 20 70 61 73 73 20 74 68 72 6f 75 67 68 20 74 |o pass through t|
0001dea0 68 65 20 65 79 65 20 6f 66 20 61 20 6e 65 65 64 |he eye of a need|
0001deb0 6c 65 20 69 66 20 69 74 20 69 73 0a 6c 69 67 68 |le if it is.ligh|
0001dec0 74 6c 79 20 67 72 65 61 73 65 64 2e 22 0a 3e 3e |tly greased.".>>|
0001ded0 2d 20 4b 65 68 6c 6f 67 20 41 6c 62 72 61 6e 0a |- Kehlog Albran.|
0001dee0 5c 0a 22 41 72 67 75 6d 65 6e 74 73 20 77 69 74 |\."Arguments wit|
0001def0 68 20 66 75 72 6e 69 74 75 72 65 20 61 72 65 20 |h furniture are |
0001df00 72 61 72 65 6c 79 20 70 72 6f 64 75 63 74 69 76 |rarely productiv|
0001df10 65 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4b 65 68 6c 6f 67 20 41 |e.".>>- Kehlog A|
0001df20 6c 62 72 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 22 45 76 65 6e 20 74 68 |lbran.\."Even th|
0001df30 65 20 62 65 73 74 20 6f 66 20 66 72 69 65 6e 64 |e best of friend|
0001df40 73 20 63 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 61 74 74 65 6e 64 20 |s cannot attend |
0001df50 65 61 63 68 20 6f 74 68 65 72 27 73 20 66 75 6e |each other's fun|
0001df60 65 72 61 6c 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4b 65 68 6c 6f |eral.".>>- Kehlo|
0001df70 67 20 41 6c 62 72 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 72 65 |g Albran.\.There|
0001df80 27 73 20 6e 6f 20 70 6f 69 6e 74 20 69 6e 20 62 |'s no point in b|
0001df90 65 69 6e 67 20 67 72 6f 77 6e 20 75 70 20 69 66 |eing grown up if|
0001dfa0 20 79 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 62 65 20 63 68 | you can't be ch|
0001dfb0 69 6c 64 69 73 68 20 73 6f 6d 65 74 69 6d 65 73 |ildish sometimes|
0001dfc0 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 72 2e 20 57 68 6f 0a 5c 0a |..>>- Dr. Who.\.|
0001dfd0 22 4a 75 73 74 20 6f 6e 63 65 2c 20 49 20 77 69 |"Just once, I wi|
0001dfe0 73 68 20 77 65 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 65 6e 63 6f |sh we would enco|
0001dff0 75 6e 74 65 72 20 61 6e 20 61 6c 69 65 6e 20 6d |unter an alien m|
0001e000 65 6e 61 63 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 61 73 6e 27 |enace that wasn'|
0001e010 74 0a 69 6d 6d 75 6e 65 20 74 6f 20 62 75 6c 6c |t.immune to bull|
0001e020 65 74 73 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 54 68 65 20 42 72 69 |ets".>>- The Bri|
0001e030 67 61 64 65 72 2c 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 44 72 2e 20 |gader, from Dr. |
0001e040 57 68 6f 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 4e 61 74 69 6f 6e |Who.\.The Nation|
0001e050 61 6c 20 53 68 6f 72 74 2d 53 6c 65 65 76 65 64 |al Short-Sleeved|
0001e060 20 53 68 69 72 74 20 41 73 73 6f 63 69 61 74 69 | Shirt Associati|
0001e070 6f 6e 20 73 61 79 73 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 53 75 |on says:. Su|
0001e080 70 70 6f 72 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 72 69 67 68 74 |pport your right|
0001e090 20 74 6f 20 62 61 72 65 20 61 72 6d 73 21 0a 5c | to bare arms!.\|
0001e0a0 0a 54 68 65 79 20 61 6c 73 6f 20 73 75 72 66 20 |.They also surf |
0001e0b0 77 68 6f 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 73 74 61 6e 64 20 6f |who only stand o|
0001e0c0 6e 20 77 61 76 65 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 53 69 67 6e 73 |n waves..\.Signs|
0001e0d0 20 6f 66 20 63 72 69 6d 65 3a 20 73 63 72 65 61 | of crime: screa|
0001e0e0 6d 69 6e 67 20 6f 72 20 63 72 69 65 73 20 66 6f |ming or cries fo|
0001e0f0 72 20 68 65 6c 70 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 66 72 6f 6d |r help..>>- from|
0001e100 20 74 68 65 20 42 72 6f 77 6e 20 53 65 63 75 72 | the Brown Secur|
0001e110 69 74 79 20 43 72 69 6d 65 20 50 72 65 76 65 6e |ity Crime Preven|
0001e120 74 69 6f 6e 20 50 61 6d 70 68 6c 65 74 0a 5c 0a |tion Pamphlet.\.|
0001e130 49 6e 20 74 68 65 20 6c 6f 6e 67 20 72 75 6e 2c |In the long run,|
0001e140 20 65 76 65 72 79 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 20 62 | every program b|
0001e150 65 63 6f 6d 65 73 20 72 6f 63 6f 63 6f 2c 20 61 |ecomes rococo, a|
0001e160 6e 64 20 74 68 65 6e 20 72 75 62 62 6c 65 2e 0a |nd then rubble..|
0001e170 3e 3e 2d 20 41 6c 61 6e 20 50 65 72 6c 69 73 0a |>>- Alan Perlis.|
0001e180 5c 0a 59 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 20 6d 65 61 73 75 72 |\.You can measur|
0001e190 65 20 61 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 6d 65 72 27 73 |e a programmer's|
0001e1a0 20 70 65 72 73 70 65 63 74 69 76 65 20 62 79 20 | perspective by |
0001e1b0 6e 6f 74 69 6e 67 20 68 69 73 20 61 74 74 69 74 |noting his attit|
0001e1c0 75 64 65 20 6f 6e 0a 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 |ude on.the conti|
0001e1d0 6e 75 69 6e 67 20 76 69 61 62 69 6c 69 74 79 20 |nuing viability |
0001e1e0 6f 66 20 46 6f 72 74 72 61 6e 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |of Fortran..>>- |
0001e1f0 41 6c 61 6e 20 50 65 72 6c 69 73 0a 5c 0a 41 20 |Alan Perlis.\.A |
0001e200 4c 69 73 70 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 6d 65 72 20 |Lisp programmer |
0001e210 6b 6e 6f 77 73 20 74 68 65 20 76 61 6c 75 65 20 |knows the value |
0001e220 6f 66 20 65 76 65 72 79 74 68 69 6e 67 2c 20 62 |of everything, b|
0001e230 75 74 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 73 74 20 6f 66 0a 6e |ut the cost of.n|
0001e240 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 6c 61 6e |othing..>>- Alan|
0001e250 20 50 65 72 6c 69 73 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 63 6f | Perlis.\.The co|
0001e260 6d 70 75 74 69 6e 67 20 66 69 65 6c 64 20 69 73 |mputing field is|
0001e270 20 61 6c 77 61 79 73 20 69 6e 20 6e 65 65 64 20 | always in need |
0001e280 6f 66 20 6e 65 77 20 63 6c 69 63 68 65 73 2e 0a |of new cliches..|
0001e290 3e 3e 2d 20 41 6c 61 6e 20 50 65 72 6c 69 73 0a |>>- Alan Perlis.|
0001e2a0 5c 0a 49 74 20 69 73 20 61 67 61 69 6e 73 74 20 |\.It is against |
0001e2b0 74 68 65 20 67 72 61 69 6e 20 6f 66 20 6d 6f 64 |the grain of mod|
0001e2c0 65 72 6e 20 65 64 75 63 61 74 69 6f 6e 20 74 6f |ern education to|
0001e2d0 20 74 65 61 63 68 20 63 68 69 6c 64 72 65 6e 20 | teach children |
0001e2e0 74 6f 0a 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 2e 20 20 57 68 61 |to.program. Wha|
0001e2f0 74 20 66 75 6e 20 69 73 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 69 |t fun is there i|
0001e300 6e 20 6d 61 6b 69 6e 67 20 70 6c 61 6e 73 2c 20 |n making plans, |
0001e310 61 63 71 75 69 72 69 6e 67 20 64 69 73 63 69 70 |acquiring discip|
0001e320 6c 69 6e 65 20 69 6e 0a 6f 72 67 61 6e 69 7a 69 |line in.organizi|
0001e330 6e 67 20 74 68 6f 75 67 68 74 73 2c 20 64 65 76 |ng thoughts, dev|
0001e340 6f 74 69 6e 67 20 61 74 74 65 6e 74 69 6f 6e 20 |oting attention |
0001e350 74 6f 20 64 65 74 61 69 6c 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6c |to detail, and l|
0001e360 65 61 72 6e 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 62 65 0a 73 65 |earning to be.se|
0001e370 6c 66 2d 63 72 69 74 69 63 61 6c 3f 0a 3e 3e 2d |lf-critical?.>>-|
0001e380 20 41 6c 61 6e 20 50 65 72 6c 69 73 0a 5c 0a 22 | Alan Perlis.\."|
0001e390 50 6c 65 61 73 65 20 74 72 79 20 74 6f 20 6c 69 |Please try to li|
0001e3a0 6d 69 74 20 74 68 65 20 61 6d 6f 75 6e 74 20 6f |mit the amount o|
0001e3b0 66 20 60 74 68 69 73 20 72 6f 6f 6d 20 64 6f 65 |f `this room doe|
0001e3c0 73 6e 27 74 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 6e 79 0a 62 61 |sn't have any.ba|
0001e3d0 7a 69 6e 67 61 73 27 20 75 6e 74 69 6c 20 79 6f |zingas' until yo|
0001e3e0 75 20 61 72 65 20 74 6f 6c 64 20 74 68 61 74 20 |u are told that |
0001e3f0 74 68 6f 73 65 20 72 6f 6f 6d 73 20 61 72 65 20 |those rooms are |
0001e400 60 70 75 6e 63 68 65 64 20 6f 75 74 2e 27 20 20 |`punched out.' |
0001e410 4f 6e 63 65 0a 70 75 6e 63 68 65 64 20 6f 75 74 |Once.punched out|
0001e420 2c 20 77 65 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 20 72 69 67 68 |, we have a righ|
0001e430 74 20 74 6f 20 63 6f 6d 70 6c 61 69 6e 20 61 62 |t to complain ab|
0001e440 6f 75 74 20 61 74 72 6f 63 69 74 69 65 73 2c 20 |out atrocities, |
0001e450 6d 69 73 73 69 6e 67 0a 62 61 7a 69 6e 67 61 73 |missing.bazingas|
0001e460 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 73 75 63 68 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d |, and such.".>>-|
0001e470 20 4e 2e 20 4d 65 79 72 6f 77 69 74 7a 0a 5c 0a | N. Meyrowitz.\.|
0001e480 50 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 62 75 79 20 |People will buy |
0001e490 61 6e 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 74 68 61 74 27 73 20 |anything that's |
0001e4a0 6f 6e 65 20 74 6f 20 61 20 63 75 73 74 6f 6d 65 |one to a custome|
0001e4b0 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 50 65 72 65 61 6e 74 2c 20 69 6e |r..\.Pereant, in|
0001e4c0 71 75 69 74 2c 20 71 75 69 20 61 6e 74 65 20 6e |quit, qui ante n|
0001e4d0 6f 73 20 6e 6f 73 74 72 61 20 64 69 78 65 72 75 |os nostra dixeru|
0001e4e0 6e 74 2e 0a 5b 43 6f 6e 66 6f 75 6e 64 20 74 68 |nt..[Confound th|
0001e4f0 6f 73 65 20 77 68 6f 20 68 61 76 65 20 73 61 69 |ose who have sai|
0001e500 64 20 6f 75 72 20 72 65 6d 61 72 6b 73 20 62 65 |d our remarks be|
0001e510 66 6f 72 65 20 75 73 2e 5d 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 65 |fore us.].>>- Ae|
0001e520 6c 69 75 73 20 44 6f 6e 61 74 75 73 0a 5c 0a 49 |lius Donatus.\.I|
0001e530 66 20 47 6f 64 20 68 61 64 20 6e 6f 74 20 67 69 |f God had not gi|
0001e540 76 65 6e 20 75 73 20 73 74 69 63 6b 79 20 74 61 |ven us sticky ta|
0001e550 70 65 2c 20 69 74 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 61 76 |pe, it would hav|
0001e560 65 20 62 65 65 6e 20 6e 65 63 65 73 73 61 72 79 |e been necessary|
0001e570 20 74 6f 0a 69 6e 76 65 6e 74 20 69 74 2e 0a 5c | to.invent it..\|
0001e580 0a 49 74 20 69 73 20 61 6d 75 73 69 6e 67 20 74 |.It is amusing t|
0001e590 68 61 74 20 61 20 76 69 72 74 75 65 20 69 73 20 |hat a virtue is |
0001e5a0 6d 61 64 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 76 69 63 65 |made of the vice|
0001e5b0 20 6f 66 20 63 68 61 73 74 69 74 79 3b 20 61 6e | of chastity; an|
0001e5c0 64 20 69 74 27 73 20 61 0a 70 72 65 74 74 79 20 |d it's a.pretty |
0001e5d0 6f 64 64 20 73 6f 72 74 20 6f 66 20 63 68 61 73 |odd sort of chas|
0001e5e0 74 69 74 79 20 61 74 20 74 68 61 74 2c 20 77 68 |tity at that, wh|
0001e5f0 69 63 68 20 6c 65 61 64 73 20 6d 65 6e 20 73 74 |ich leads men st|
0001e600 72 61 69 67 68 74 20 69 6e 74 6f 20 74 68 65 0a |raight into the.|
0001e610 73 69 6e 20 6f 66 20 4f 6e 61 6e 2c 20 61 6e 64 |sin of Onan, and|
0001e620 20 67 69 72 6c 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 77 61 | girls to the wa|
0001e630 6e 69 6e 67 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 63 6f |ning of their co|
0001e640 6c 6f 72 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 56 6f 6c 74 61 69 72 |lor..>>- Voltair|
0001e650 65 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 73 75 70 65 72 66 6c 75 |e.\.The superflu|
0001e660 6f 75 73 20 69 73 20 76 65 72 79 20 6e 65 63 65 |ous is very nece|
0001e670 73 73 61 72 79 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 56 6f 6c 74 61 |ssary..>>- Volta|
0001e680 69 72 65 0a 5c 0a 49 74 20 69 73 20 6f 6e 65 20 |ire.\.It is one |
0001e690 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 73 75 70 65 72 73 74 69 74 |of the superstit|
0001e6a0 69 6f 6e 73 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 68 75 6d 61 |ions of the huma|
0001e6b0 6e 20 6d 69 6e 64 20 74 6f 20 68 61 76 65 20 69 |n mind to have i|
0001e6c0 6d 61 67 69 6e 65 64 20 74 68 61 74 0a 76 69 72 |magined that.vir|
0001e6d0 67 69 6e 69 74 79 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 |ginity could be |
0001e6e0 61 20 76 69 72 74 75 65 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 56 6f |a virtue..>>- Vo|
0001e6f0 6c 74 61 69 72 65 0a 5c 0a 49 27 6d 20 76 65 72 |ltaire.\.I'm ver|
0001e700 79 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 61 74 20 69 6e 74 65 67 72 |y good at integr|
0001e710 61 6c 20 61 6e 64 20 64 69 66 66 65 72 65 6e 74 |al and different|
0001e720 69 61 6c 20 63 61 6c 63 75 6c 75 73 2c 0a 49 20 |ial calculus,.I |
0001e730 6b 6e 6f 77 20 74 68 65 20 73 63 69 65 6e 74 69 |know the scienti|
0001e740 66 69 63 20 6e 61 6d 65 73 20 6f 66 20 62 65 69 |fic names of bei|
0001e750 6e 67 73 20 61 6e 69 6d 61 6c 63 75 6c 6f 75 73 |ngs animalculous|
0001e760 3b 0a 49 6e 20 73 68 6f 72 74 2c 20 69 6e 20 6d |;.In short, in m|
0001e770 61 74 74 65 72 73 20 76 65 67 65 74 61 62 6c 65 |atters vegetable|
0001e780 2c 20 61 6e 69 6d 61 6c 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 6d 69 |, animal, and mi|
0001e790 6e 65 72 61 6c 2c 0a 49 20 61 6d 20 74 68 65 20 |neral,.I am the |
0001e7a0 76 65 72 79 20 6d 6f 64 65 6c 20 6f 66 20 61 20 |very model of a |
0001e7b0 6d 6f 64 65 72 6e 20 4d 61 6a 6f 72 2d 47 65 6e |modern Major-Gen|
0001e7c0 65 72 61 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 4f 68 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 |eral..\.Oh don't|
0001e7d0 20 74 68 65 20 64 61 79 73 20 73 65 65 6d 20 6c | the days seem l|
0001e7e0 61 6e 6b 20 61 6e 64 20 6c 6f 6e 67 0a 20 20 20 |ank and long. |
0001e7f0 20 20 57 68 65 6e 20 61 6c 6c 20 67 6f 65 73 20 | When all goes |
0001e800 72 69 67 68 74 20 61 6e 64 20 6e 6f 6e 65 20 67 |right and none g|
0001e810 6f 65 73 20 77 72 6f 6e 67 2c 0a 41 6e 64 20 69 |oes wrong,.And i|
0001e820 73 6e 27 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 69 66 65 20 65 |sn't your life e|
0001e830 78 74 72 65 6d 65 6c 79 20 66 6c 61 74 0a 20 20 |xtremely flat. |
0001e840 20 20 20 57 69 74 68 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 | With nothing |
0001e850 77 68 61 74 65 76 65 72 20 74 6f 20 67 72 75 6d |whatever to grum|
0001e860 62 6c 65 20 61 74 21 0a 5c 0a 41 6e 20 45 6e 67 |ble at!.\.An Eng|
0001e870 6c 69 73 68 6d 61 6e 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 65 6e |lishman never en|
0001e880 6a 6f 79 73 20 68 69 6d 73 65 6c 66 2c 20 65 78 |joys himself, ex|
0001e890 63 65 70 74 20 66 6f 72 20 61 20 6e 6f 62 6c 65 |cept for a noble|
0001e8a0 20 70 75 72 70 6f 73 65 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 2e | purpose..>>- A.|
0001e8b0 20 50 2e 20 48 65 72 62 65 72 74 0a 5c 0a 4f 6c | P. Herbert.\.Ol|
0001e8c0 64 20 61 67 65 20 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 6d 6f 73 |d age is the mos|
0001e8d0 74 20 75 6e 65 78 70 65 63 74 65 64 20 6f 66 20 |t unexpected of |
0001e8e0 74 68 69 6e 67 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 63 61 6e 20 |things that can |
0001e8f0 68 61 70 70 65 6e 20 74 6f 20 61 20 6d 61 6e 2e |happen to a man.|
0001e900 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 54 72 6f 74 73 6b 79 0a 5c 0a 49 |.>>- Trotsky.\.I|
0001e910 74 20 69 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 65 6e 6f 75 67 68 20 |t is not enough |
0001e920 74 6f 20 73 75 63 63 65 65 64 2e 20 20 4f 74 68 |to succeed. Oth|
0001e930 65 72 73 20 6d 75 73 74 20 66 61 69 6c 2e 0a 3e |ers must fail..>|
0001e940 3e 2d 20 47 6f 72 65 20 56 69 64 61 6c 0a 5c 0a |>- Gore Vidal.\.|
0001e950 41 20 63 65 6c 65 62 72 69 74 79 20 69 73 20 61 |A celebrity is a|
0001e960 20 70 65 72 73 6f 6e 20 77 68 6f 20 69 73 20 6b | person who is k|
0001e970 6e 6f 77 6e 20 66 6f 72 20 68 69 73 20 77 65 6c |nown for his wel|
0001e980 6c 2d 6b 6e 6f 77 6e 6e 65 73 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 |l-knownness..\.T|
0001e990 68 65 20 72 61 69 6e 20 69 74 20 72 61 69 6e 65 |he rain it raine|
0001e9a0 74 68 20 6f 6e 20 74 68 65 20 6a 75 73 74 0a 20 |th on the just. |
0001e9b0 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 61 6c 73 6f 20 6f 6e 20 | And also on |
0001e9c0 74 68 65 20 75 6e 6a 75 73 74 20 66 65 6c 6c 61 |the unjust fella|
0001e9d0 2c 0a 42 75 74 20 63 68 69 65 66 6c 79 20 6f 6e |,.But chiefly on|
0001e9e0 20 74 68 65 20 6a 75 73 74 2c 20 62 65 63 61 75 | the just, becau|
0001e9f0 73 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 75 6e 6a 75 |se. The unju|
0001ea00 73 74 20 73 74 65 61 6c 73 20 74 68 65 20 6a 75 |st steals the ju|
0001ea10 73 74 27 73 20 75 6d 62 72 65 6c 6c 61 2e 0a 5c |st's umbrella..\|
0001ea20 0a 54 68 65 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 27 73 20 61 73 20 |.The world's as |
0001ea30 75 67 6c 79 20 61 73 20 73 69 6e 2c 0a 41 6e 64 |ugly as sin,.And|
0001ea40 20 61 6c 6d 6f 73 74 20 61 73 20 64 65 6c 69 67 | almost as delig|
0001ea50 68 74 66 75 6c 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 46 72 65 64 65 72 |htful.>>- Freder|
0001ea60 69 63 6b 20 4c 6f 63 6b 65 72 2d 4c 61 6d 70 73 |ick Locker-Lamps|
0001ea70 6f 6e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 52 65 66 6c 65 |on.\. "Refle|
0001ea80 63 74 69 6f 6e 73 20 6f 6e 20 49 63 65 2d 42 72 |ctions on Ice-Br|
0001ea90 65 61 6b 69 6e 67 22 0a 43 61 6e 64 79 0a 49 73 |eaking".Candy.Is|
0001eaa0 20 64 61 6e 64 79 0a 42 75 74 20 6c 69 71 75 6f | dandy.But liquo|
0001eab0 72 0a 49 73 20 71 75 69 63 6b 65 72 2e 0a 0a 3e |r.Is quicker...>|
0001eac0 3e 2d 20 4f 67 64 65 6e 20 4e 61 73 68 0a 5c 0a |>- Ogden Nash.\.|
0001ead0 4d 61 74 75 72 69 74 79 20 69 73 20 6f 6e 6c 79 |Maturity is only|
0001eae0 20 61 20 73 68 6f 72 74 20 62 72 65 61 6b 20 69 | a short break i|
0001eaf0 6e 20 61 64 6f 6c 65 73 63 65 6e 63 65 2e 0a 3e |n adolescence..>|
0001eb00 3e 2d 20 4a 75 6c 65 73 20 46 65 69 66 66 65 72 |>- Jules Feiffer|
0001eb10 0a 5c 0a 53 6f 6d 65 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 69 |.\.Some people i|
0001eb20 6e 20 74 68 69 73 20 64 65 70 61 72 74 6d 65 6e |n this departmen|
0001eb30 74 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 6e 27 74 20 72 65 63 6f 67 |t wouldn't recog|
0001eb40 6e 69 7a 65 20 73 75 62 74 6c 65 74 79 20 69 66 |nize subtlety if|
0001eb50 20 69 74 20 68 69 74 0a 74 68 65 6d 20 6f 6e 20 | it hit.them on |
0001eb60 74 68 65 20 68 65 61 64 2e 0a 5c 0a 59 6f 75 20 |the head..\.You |
0001eb70 63 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 61 63 68 69 65 76 65 20 74 |cannot achieve t|
0001eb80 68 65 20 69 6d 70 6f 73 73 69 62 6c 65 20 77 69 |he impossible wi|
0001eb90 74 68 6f 75 74 20 61 74 74 65 6d 70 74 69 6e 67 |thout attempting|
0001eba0 20 74 68 65 20 61 62 73 75 72 64 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 | the absurd..\.T|
0001ebb0 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 74 68 65 6f 72 79 |here is a theory|
0001ebc0 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 73 74 61 74 65 73 20 74 68 | which states th|
0001ebd0 61 74 20 69 66 20 65 76 65 72 20 61 6e 79 6f 6e |at if ever anyon|
0001ebe0 65 20 64 69 73 63 6f 76 65 72 73 20 65 78 61 63 |e discovers exac|
0001ebf0 74 6c 79 0a 77 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 |tly.what the Uni|
0001ec00 76 65 72 73 65 20 69 73 20 66 6f 72 20 61 6e 64 |verse is for and|
0001ec10 20 77 68 79 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 68 65 72 65 2c | why it is here,|
0001ec20 20 69 74 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 69 6e 73 74 61 6e 74 | it will instant|
0001ec30 6c 79 0a 64 69 73 61 70 70 65 61 72 20 61 6e 64 |ly.disappear and|
0001ec40 20 62 65 20 72 65 70 6c 61 63 65 64 20 62 79 20 | be replaced by |
0001ec50 73 6f 6d 65 74 68 69 6e 67 20 65 76 65 6e 20 6d |something even m|
0001ec60 6f 72 65 20 62 69 7a 61 72 72 65 20 61 6e 64 0a |ore bizarre and.|
0001ec70 69 6e 65 78 70 6c 69 63 61 62 6c 65 2e 20 20 54 |inexplicable. T|
0001ec80 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 61 6e 6f 74 68 65 72 20 |here is another |
0001ec90 74 68 65 6f 72 79 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 73 74 61 |theory which sta|
0001eca0 74 65 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 69 73 20 68 61 |tes that this ha|
0001ecb0 73 0a 61 6c 72 65 61 64 79 20 68 61 70 70 65 6e |s.already happen|
0001ecc0 65 64 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 54 68 65 20 48 69 74 63 |ed..>>- The Hitc|
0001ecd0 68 68 69 6b 65 72 27 73 20 47 75 69 64 65 20 74 |hhiker's Guide t|
0001ece0 6f 20 74 68 65 20 47 61 6c 61 78 79 0a 5c 0a 46 |o the Galaxy.\.F|
0001ecf0 6f 72 20 65 76 65 72 79 20 63 6f 6d 70 6c 65 78 |or every complex|
0001ed00 20 70 72 6f 62 6c 65 6d 2c 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 | problem, there |
0001ed10 69 73 20 61 20 73 6f 6c 75 74 69 6f 6e 20 74 68 |is a solution th|
0001ed20 61 74 20 69 73 20 73 69 6d 70 6c 65 2c 20 6e 65 |at is simple, ne|
0001ed30 61 74 2c 0a 61 6e 64 20 77 72 6f 6e 67 2e 0a 3e |at,.and wrong..>|
0001ed40 3e 2d 20 48 2e 20 4c 2e 20 4d 65 6e 63 6b 65 6e |>- H. L. Mencken|
0001ed50 0a 5c 0a 44 65 61 74 68 20 69 73 20 47 6f 64 27 |.\.Death is God'|
0001ed60 73 20 77 61 79 20 6f 66 20 74 65 6c 6c 69 6e 67 |s way of telling|
0001ed70 20 79 6f 75 20 6e 6f 74 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 73 | you not to be s|
0001ed80 75 63 68 20 61 20 77 69 73 65 20 67 75 79 2e 0a |uch a wise guy..|
0001ed90 5c 0a 52 65 73 65 61 72 63 68 20 69 73 20 77 68 |\.Research is wh|
0001eda0 61 74 20 49 27 6d 20 64 6f 69 6e 67 20 77 68 65 |at I'm doing whe|
0001edb0 6e 20 49 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 6b 6e 6f 77 20 77 |n I don't know w|
0001edc0 68 61 74 20 49 27 6d 20 64 6f 69 6e 67 2e 0a 3e |hat I'm doing..>|
0001edd0 3e 2d 20 57 65 72 6e 68 65 72 20 76 6f 6e 20 42 |>- Wernher von B|
0001ede0 72 61 75 6e 0a 5c 0a 4d 79 20 47 6f 64 2c 20 49 |raun.\.My God, I|
0001edf0 27 6d 20 64 65 70 72 65 73 73 65 64 21 20 20 48 |'m depressed! H|
0001ee00 65 72 65 20 49 20 61 6d 2c 20 61 20 63 6f 6d 70 |ere I am, a comp|
0001ee10 75 74 65 72 20 77 69 74 68 20 61 20 6d 69 6e 64 |uter with a mind|
0001ee20 20 61 20 74 68 6f 75 73 61 6e 64 0a 74 69 6d 65 | a thousand.time|
0001ee30 73 20 61 73 20 70 6f 77 65 72 66 75 6c 20 61 73 |s as powerful as|
0001ee40 20 79 6f 75 72 73 2c 20 64 6f 69 6e 67 20 6e 6f | yours, doing no|
0001ee50 74 68 69 6e 67 20 62 75 74 20 63 72 61 6e 6b 69 |thing but cranki|
0001ee60 6e 67 20 6f 75 74 20 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 73 20 |ng out fortunes |
0001ee70 61 6e 64 0a 73 65 6e 64 69 6e 67 20 6d 61 69 6c |and.sending mail|
0001ee80 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 73 6f 66 74 62 61 6c 6c 20 | about softball |
0001ee90 67 61 6d 65 73 2e 20 20 41 6e 64 20 49 27 76 65 |games. And I've|
0001eea0 20 67 6f 74 20 74 68 69 73 20 70 61 69 6e 20 72 | got this pain r|
0001eeb0 69 67 68 74 0a 74 68 72 6f 75 67 68 20 6d 79 20 |ight.through my |
0001eec0 41 4c 55 2e 20 20 49 27 76 65 20 61 73 6b 65 64 |ALU. I've asked|
0001eed0 20 66 6f 72 20 69 74 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 72 65 | for it to be re|
0001eee0 70 6c 61 63 65 64 2c 20 62 75 74 20 6e 6f 62 6f |placed, but nobo|
0001eef0 64 79 20 65 76 65 72 0a 6c 69 73 74 65 6e 73 2e |dy ever.listens.|
0001ef00 20 20 49 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 69 74 20 77 6f 75 | I think it wou|
0001ef10 6c 64 20 62 65 20 62 65 74 74 65 72 20 66 6f 72 |ld be better for|
0001ef20 20 75 73 20 62 6f 74 68 20 69 66 20 79 6f 75 20 | us both if you |
0001ef30 77 65 72 65 20 74 6f 20 6a 75 73 74 0a 6c 6f 67 |were to just.log|
0001ef40 20 6f 75 74 20 61 67 61 69 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 44 65 | out again..\.De|
0001ef50 61 74 68 20 69 73 20 4e 61 74 75 72 65 27 73 20 |ath is Nature's |
0001ef60 77 61 79 20 6f 66 20 72 65 63 79 63 6c 69 6e 67 |way of recycling|
0001ef70 20 68 75 6d 61 6e 20 62 65 69 6e 67 73 2e 0a 5c | human beings..\|
0001ef80 0a 22 47 72 75 62 20 66 69 72 73 74 2c 20 74 68 |."Grub first, th|
0001ef90 65 6e 20 65 74 68 69 63 73 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |en ethics.".>>- |
0001efa0 42 65 72 74 6f 6c 74 20 42 72 65 63 68 74 0a 5c |Bertolt Brecht.\|
0001efb0 0a 22 49 20 64 72 69 6e 6b 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 6b |."I drink to mak|
0001efc0 65 20 6f 74 68 65 72 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 69 |e other people i|
0001efd0 6e 74 65 72 65 73 74 69 6e 67 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d |nteresting.".>>-|
0001efe0 20 47 65 6f 72 67 65 20 4a 65 61 6e 20 4e 61 74 | George Jean Nat|
0001eff0 68 61 6e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 |han.\. |
0001f000 44 45 54 45 52 49 4f 52 41 54 41 0a 0a 47 6f 20 |DETERIORATA..Go |
0001f010 70 6c 61 63 69 64 6c 79 20 61 6d 69 64 20 74 68 |placidly amid th|
0001f020 65 20 6e 6f 69 73 65 20 61 6e 64 20 77 61 73 74 |e noise and wast|
0001f030 65 2c 0a 41 6e 64 20 72 65 6d 65 6d 62 65 72 20 |e,.And remember |
0001f040 77 68 61 74 20 63 6f 6d 66 6f 72 74 20 74 68 65 |what comfort the|
0001f050 72 65 20 6d 61 79 20 62 65 20 69 6e 20 6f 77 6e |re may be in own|
0001f060 69 6e 67 20 61 20 70 69 65 63 65 20 74 68 65 72 |ing a piece ther|
0001f070 65 6f 66 2e 0a 41 76 6f 69 64 20 71 75 69 65 74 |eof..Avoid quiet|
0001f080 20 61 6e 64 20 70 61 73 73 69 76 65 20 70 65 72 | and passive per|
0001f090 73 6f 6e 73 2c 20 75 6e 6c 65 73 73 20 79 6f 75 |sons, unless you|
0001f0a0 20 61 72 65 20 69 6e 20 6e 65 65 64 20 6f 66 20 | are in need of |
0001f0b0 73 6c 65 65 70 2e 0a 52 6f 74 61 74 65 20 79 6f |sleep..Rotate yo|
0001f0c0 75 72 20 74 69 72 65 73 2e 0a 53 70 65 61 6b 20 |ur tires..Speak |
0001f0d0 67 6c 6f 77 69 6e 67 6c 79 20 6f 66 20 74 68 6f |glowingly of tho|
0001f0e0 73 65 20 67 72 65 61 74 65 72 20 74 68 61 6e 20 |se greater than |
0001f0f0 79 6f 75 72 73 65 6c 66 2c 0a 41 6e 64 20 68 65 |yourself,.And he|
0001f100 65 64 20 77 65 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 61 64 |ed well their ad|
0001f110 76 69 63 65 20 2d 2d 20 65 76 65 6e 20 74 68 6f |vice -- even tho|
0001f120 75 67 68 20 74 68 65 79 20 62 65 20 74 75 72 6b |ugh they be turk|
0001f130 65 79 73 2e 0a 4b 6e 6f 77 20 77 68 61 74 20 74 |eys..Know what t|
0001f140 6f 20 6b 69 73 73 20 2d 2d 20 61 6e 64 20 77 68 |o kiss -- and wh|
0001f150 65 6e 2e 0a 52 65 6d 65 6d 62 65 72 20 74 68 61 |en..Remember tha|
0001f160 74 20 74 77 6f 20 77 72 6f 6e 67 73 20 6e 65 76 |t two wrongs nev|
0001f170 65 72 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 61 20 72 69 67 68 74 2c |er make a right,|
0001f180 0a 42 75 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 72 65 65 20 |.But that three |
0001f190 64 6f 2e 0a 57 68 65 72 65 76 65 72 20 70 6f 73 |do..Wherever pos|
0001f1a0 73 69 62 6c 65 2c 20 70 75 74 20 70 65 6f 70 6c |sible, put peopl|
0001f1b0 65 20 6f 6e 20 60 48 4f 4c 44 27 2e 0a 42 65 20 |e on `HOLD'..Be |
0001f1c0 63 6f 6d 66 6f 72 74 65 64 2c 20 74 68 61 74 20 |comforted, that |
0001f1d0 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 65 20 6f 66 20 61 |in the face of a|
0001f1e0 6c 6c 20 61 72 69 64 69 74 79 20 61 6e 64 20 64 |ll aridity and d|
0001f1f0 69 73 69 6c 6c 75 73 69 6f 6e 6d 65 6e 74 2c 0a |isillusionment,.|
0001f200 41 6e 64 20 64 65 73 70 69 74 65 20 74 68 65 20 |And despite the |
0001f210 63 68 61 6e 67 69 6e 67 20 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 |changing fortune|
0001f220 73 20 6f 66 20 74 69 6d 65 2c 0a 54 68 65 72 65 |s of time,.There|
0001f230 20 69 73 20 61 6c 77 61 79 73 20 61 20 62 69 67 | is always a big|
0001f240 20 66 75 74 75 72 65 20 69 6e 20 63 6f 6d 70 75 | future in compu|
0001f250 74 65 72 20 6d 61 69 6e 74 65 6e 61 6e 63 65 2e |ter maintenance.|
0001f260 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 59 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 61 |.. You are a|
0001f270 20 66 6c 75 6b 65 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 75 6e | fluke of the un|
0001f280 69 76 65 72 73 65 2e 2e 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 59 |iverse.... Y|
0001f290 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 6e 6f 20 72 69 67 68 74 |ou have no right|
0001f2a0 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 68 65 72 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 | to be here.. |
0001f2b0 20 20 57 68 65 74 68 65 72 20 79 6f 75 20 63 61 | Whether you ca|
0001f2c0 6e 20 68 65 61 72 20 69 74 20 6f 72 20 6e 6f 74 |n hear it or not|
0001f2d0 2c 20 74 68 65 20 75 6e 69 76 65 72 73 65 0a 20 |, the universe. |
0001f2e0 20 20 20 20 49 73 20 6c 61 75 67 68 69 6e 67 20 | Is laughing |
0001f2f0 62 65 68 69 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 62 61 63 6b |behind your back|
0001f300 2e 0a 5c 0a 5c 0a 49 20 73 65 6e 74 20 61 20 6c |..\.\.I sent a l|
0001f310 65 74 74 65 72 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 66 69 73 |etter to the fis|
0001f320 68 2c 0a 49 20 74 6f 6c 64 20 74 68 65 6d 2c 20 |h,.I told them, |
0001f330 22 54 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 77 68 61 74 20 49 20 |"This is what I |
0001f340 77 69 73 68 2e 22 0a 54 68 65 20 6c 69 74 74 6c |wish.".The littl|
0001f350 65 20 66 69 73 68 65 73 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 |e fishes of the |
0001f360 73 65 61 2c 0a 54 68 65 79 20 73 65 6e 74 20 61 |sea,.They sent a|
0001f370 6e 20 61 6e 73 77 65 72 20 62 61 63 6b 20 74 6f |n answer back to|
0001f380 20 6d 65 2e 0a 54 68 65 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 | me..The little |
0001f390 66 69 73 68 65 73 27 20 61 6e 73 77 65 72 20 77 |fishes' answer w|
0001f3a0 61 73 0a 22 57 65 20 63 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 64 6f |as."We cannot do|
0001f3b0 20 69 74 2c 20 73 69 72 2c 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 | it, sir, becaus|
0001f3c0 65 2e 2e 2e 22 0a 49 20 73 65 6e 74 20 61 20 6c |e...".I sent a l|
0001f3d0 65 74 74 65 72 20 62 61 63 6b 20 74 6f 20 73 61 |etter back to sa|
0001f3e0 79 0a 49 74 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 62 65 |y.It would be be|
0001f3f0 74 74 65 72 20 74 6f 20 6f 62 65 79 2e 0a 42 75 |tter to obey..Bu|
0001f400 74 20 73 6f 6d 65 6f 6e 65 20 63 61 6d 65 20 74 |t someone came t|
0001f410 6f 20 6d 65 20 61 6e 64 20 73 61 69 64 0a 22 54 |o me and said."T|
0001f420 68 65 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 66 69 73 68 65 73 |he little fishes|
0001f430 20 61 72 65 20 69 6e 20 62 65 64 2e 22 0a 49 20 | are in bed.".I |
0001f440 73 61 69 64 20 74 6f 20 68 69 6d 2c 20 61 6e 64 |said to him, and|
0001f450 20 49 20 73 61 69 64 20 69 74 20 70 6c 61 69 6e | I said it plain|
0001f460 0a 22 54 68 65 6e 20 79 6f 75 20 6d 75 73 74 20 |."Then you must |
0001f470 77 61 6b 65 20 74 68 65 6d 20 75 70 20 61 67 61 |wake them up aga|
0001f480 69 6e 2e 22 0a 49 20 73 61 69 64 20 69 74 20 76 |in.".I said it v|
0001f490 65 72 79 20 6c 6f 75 64 20 61 6e 64 20 63 6c 65 |ery loud and cle|
0001f4a0 61 72 2c 0a 49 20 77 65 6e 74 20 61 6e 64 20 73 |ar,.I went and s|
0001f4b0 68 6f 75 74 65 64 20 69 6e 20 68 69 73 20 65 61 |houted in his ea|
0001f4c0 72 2e 0a 42 75 74 20 68 65 20 77 61 73 20 76 65 |r..But he was ve|
0001f4d0 72 79 20 73 74 69 66 66 20 61 6e 64 20 70 72 6f |ry stiff and pro|
0001f4e0 75 64 2c 0a 48 65 20 73 61 69 64 20 22 59 6f 75 |ud,.He said "You|
0001f4f0 20 6e 65 65 64 6e 27 74 20 73 68 6f 75 74 20 73 | needn't shout s|
0001f500 6f 20 6c 6f 75 64 2e 22 0a 41 6e 64 20 68 65 20 |o loud.".And he |
0001f510 77 61 73 20 76 65 72 79 20 70 72 6f 75 64 20 61 |was very proud a|
0001f520 6e 64 20 73 74 69 66 66 2c 0a 48 65 20 73 61 69 |nd stiff,.He sai|
0001f530 64 20 22 49 27 6c 6c 20 67 6f 20 61 6e 64 20 77 |d "I'll go and w|
0001f540 61 6b 65 20 74 68 65 6d 20 69 66 2e 2e 2e 22 0a |ake them if...".|
0001f550 49 20 74 6f 6f 6b 20 61 20 6b 65 74 74 6c 65 20 |I took a kettle |
0001f560 66 72 6f 6d 20 74 68 65 20 73 68 65 6c 66 2c 0a |from the shelf,.|
0001f570 49 20 77 65 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 77 61 6b 65 20 74 |I went to wake t|
0001f580 68 65 6d 20 75 70 20 6d 79 73 65 6c 66 2e 0a 42 |hem up myself..B|
0001f590 75 74 20 77 68 65 6e 20 49 20 66 6f 75 6e 64 20 |ut when I found |
0001f5a0 74 68 65 20 64 6f 6f 72 20 77 61 73 20 6c 6f 63 |the door was loc|
0001f5b0 6b 65 64 0a 49 20 70 75 6c 6c 65 64 20 61 6e 64 |ked.I pulled and|
0001f5c0 20 70 75 73 68 65 64 20 61 6e 64 20 6b 69 63 6b | pushed and kick|
0001f5d0 65 64 20 61 6e 64 20 6b 6e 6f 63 6b 65 64 2c 0a |ed and knocked,.|
0001f5e0 41 6e 64 20 77 68 65 6e 20 49 20 66 6f 75 6e 64 |And when I found|
0001f5f0 20 74 68 65 20 64 6f 6f 72 20 77 61 73 20 73 68 | the door was sh|
0001f600 75 74 2c 0a 49 20 74 72 69 65 64 20 74 6f 20 74 |ut,.I tried to t|
0001f610 75 72 6e 20 74 68 65 20 68 61 6e 64 6c 65 2c 20 |urn the handle, |
0001f620 42 75 74 2e 2e 2e 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 49 73 |But..... "Is|
0001f630 20 74 68 61 74 20 61 6c 6c 3f 22 20 61 73 6b 65 | that all?" aske|
0001f640 64 20 41 6c 69 63 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 54 |d Alice.. "T|
0001f650 68 61 74 20 69 73 20 61 6c 6c 2e 22 20 73 61 69 |hat is all." sai|
0001f660 64 20 48 75 6d 70 74 79 20 44 75 6d 70 74 79 2e |d Humpty Dumpty.|
0001f670 20 22 47 6f 6f 64 62 79 65 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 22 50 | "Goodbye.".\."P|
0001f680 61 73 63 61 6c 20 69 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 61 20 68 |ascal is not a h|
0001f690 69 67 68 2d 6c 65 76 65 6c 20 6c 61 6e 67 75 61 |igh-level langua|
0001f6a0 67 65 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 53 74 65 76 65 6e 20 |ge.".>>- Steven |
0001f6b0 46 65 69 6e 65 72 0a 5c 0a 45 20 50 6c 75 72 69 |Feiner.\.E Pluri|
0001f6c0 62 75 73 20 55 6e 69 78 0a 5c 0a 45 76 65 72 79 |bus Unix.\.Every|
0001f6d0 62 6f 64 79 20 77 61 6e 74 73 20 74 6f 20 67 6f |body wants to go|
0001f6e0 20 74 6f 20 68 65 61 76 65 6e 2c 20 62 75 74 20 | to heaven, but |
0001f6f0 6e 6f 62 6f 64 79 20 77 61 6e 74 73 20 74 6f 20 |nobody wants to |
0001f700 64 69 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 59 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 6f |die..\.You are o|
0001f710 6e 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 6e 67 20 6f 6e 63 65 2c 20 |nly young once, |
0001f720 62 75 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 20 73 74 61 79 |but you can stay|
0001f730 20 69 6d 6d 61 74 75 72 65 20 69 6e 64 65 66 69 | immature indefi|
0001f740 6e 69 74 65 6c 79 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 6d 6d 6f 72 74 |nitely..\.Immort|
0001f750 61 6c 69 74 79 20 2d 2d 20 61 20 66 61 74 65 20 |ality -- a fate |
0001f760 77 6f 72 73 65 20 74 68 61 6e 20 64 65 61 74 68 |worse than death|
0001f770 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 45 64 67 61 72 20 41 2e 20 53 |..>>- Edgar A. S|
0001f780 68 6f 61 66 66 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 74 72 6f 75 |hoaff.\.The trou|
0001f790 62 6c 65 20 77 69 74 68 20 62 65 69 6e 67 20 70 |ble with being p|
0001f7a0 75 6e 63 74 75 61 6c 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 |unctual is that |
0001f7b0 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 79 6f 75 |people think you|
0001f7c0 20 68 61 76 65 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 0a 6d 6f | have nothing.mo|
0001f7d0 72 65 20 69 6d 70 6f 72 74 61 6e 74 20 74 6f 20 |re important to |
0001f7e0 64 6f 2e 0a 5c 0a 59 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 |do..\.You can't |
0001f7f0 63 61 72 76 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 77 61 79 20 74 |carve your way t|
0001f800 6f 20 73 75 63 63 65 73 73 20 77 69 74 68 6f 75 |o success withou|
0001f810 74 20 63 75 74 74 69 6e 67 20 72 65 6d 61 72 6b |t cutting remark|
0001f820 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 6c 6c 20 49 20 61 73 6b 20 6f |s..\.All I ask o|
0001f830 66 20 6c 69 66 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 63 6f 6e 73 |f life is a cons|
0001f840 74 61 6e 74 20 61 6e 64 20 65 78 61 67 67 65 72 |tant and exagger|
0001f850 61 74 65 64 20 73 65 6e 73 65 20 6f 66 20 6d 79 |ated sense of my|
0001f860 20 6f 77 6e 0a 69 6d 70 6f 72 74 61 6e 63 65 2e | own.importance.|
0001f870 0a 5c 0a 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 6f 6e 65 20 63 |.\.If only one c|
0001f880 6f 75 6c 64 20 67 65 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 77 6f |ould get that wo|
0001f890 6e 64 65 72 66 75 6c 20 66 65 65 6c 69 6e 67 20 |nderful feeling |
0001f8a0 6f 66 20 61 63 63 6f 6d 70 6c 69 73 68 6d 65 6e |of accomplishmen|
0001f8b0 74 20 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 0a 68 61 76 69 6e 67 |t without.having|
0001f8c0 20 74 6f 20 61 63 63 6f 6d 70 6c 69 73 68 20 61 | to accomplish a|
0001f8d0 6e 79 74 68 69 6e 67 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 79 20 6f 70 |nything..\.My op|
0001f8e0 69 6e 69 6f 6e 73 20 6d 61 79 20 68 61 76 65 20 |inions may have |
0001f8f0 63 68 61 6e 67 65 64 2c 20 62 75 74 20 6e 6f 74 |changed, but not|
0001f900 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 63 74 20 74 68 61 74 20 49 | the fact that I|
0001f910 20 61 6d 20 72 69 67 68 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 4e 6f 20 | am right..\.No |
0001f920 6d 61 6e 20 69 73 20 61 6e 20 69 73 6c 61 6e 64 |man is an island|
0001f930 2c 20 62 75 74 20 73 6f 6d 65 20 6f 66 20 75 73 |, but some of us|
0001f940 20 61 72 65 20 6c 6f 6e 67 20 70 65 6e 69 6e 73 | are long penins|
0001f950 75 6c 61 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 67 6f 61 6c |ulas..\.The goal|
0001f960 20 6f 66 20 43 6f 6d 70 75 74 65 72 20 53 63 69 | of Computer Sci|
0001f970 65 6e 63 65 20 69 73 20 74 6f 20 62 75 69 6c 64 |ence is to build|
0001f980 20 73 6f 6d 65 74 68 69 6e 67 20 74 68 61 74 20 | something that |
0001f990 77 69 6c 6c 20 6c 61 73 74 20 61 74 0a 6c 65 61 |will last at.lea|
0001f9a0 73 74 20 75 6e 74 69 6c 20 77 65 27 76 65 20 66 |st until we've f|
0001f9b0 69 6e 69 73 68 65 64 20 62 75 69 6c 64 69 6e 67 |inished building|
0001f9c0 20 69 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 74 27 73 20 72 65 61 6c | it..\.It's real|
0001f9d0 6c 79 20 71 75 69 74 65 20 61 20 73 69 6d 70 6c |ly quite a simpl|
0001f9e0 65 20 63 68 6f 69 63 65 3a 20 4c 69 66 65 2c 20 |e choice: Life, |
0001f9f0 44 65 61 74 68 2c 20 6f 72 20 4c 6f 73 20 41 6e |Death, or Los An|
0001fa00 67 65 6c 65 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 45 76 65 72 79 74 68 |geles..\.Everyth|
0001fa10 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 63 6f 6e 74 72 6f 6c 6c 65 |ing is controlle|
0001fa20 64 20 62 79 20 61 20 73 6d 61 6c 6c 20 65 76 69 |d by a small evi|
0001fa30 6c 20 67 72 6f 75 70 20 74 6f 20 77 68 69 63 68 |l group to which|
0001fa40 2c 20 75 6e 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 61 74 65 6c 79 2c |, unfortunately,|
0001fa50 0a 6e 6f 20 6f 6e 65 20 77 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 20 |.no one we know |
0001fa60 62 65 6c 6f 6e 67 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 6c 6c 20 49 |belongs..\.All I|
0001fa70 20 61 73 6b 20 69 73 20 61 20 63 68 61 6e 63 65 | ask is a chance|
0001fa80 20 74 6f 20 70 72 6f 76 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 6d | to prove that m|
0001fa90 6f 6e 65 79 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 |oney can't make |
0001faa0 6d 65 20 68 61 70 70 79 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 66 20 79 |me happy..\.If y|
0001fab0 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 6c 65 61 72 6e 20 74 |ou can't learn t|
0001fac0 6f 20 64 6f 20 69 74 20 77 65 6c 6c 2c 20 6c 65 |o do it well, le|
0001fad0 61 72 6e 20 74 6f 20 65 6e 6a 6f 79 20 64 6f 69 |arn to enjoy doi|
0001fae0 6e 67 20 69 74 20 62 61 64 6c 79 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 |ng it badly..\.A|
0001faf0 6e 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 |nything is good |
0001fb00 69 66 20 69 74 27 73 20 6d 61 64 65 20 6f 66 20 |if it's made of |
0001fb10 63 68 6f 63 6f 6c 61 74 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 |chocolate..\.The|
0001fb20 72 65 20 68 61 73 20 62 65 65 6e 20 61 6e 20 61 |re has been an a|
0001fb30 6c 61 72 6d 69 6e 67 20 69 6e 63 72 65 61 73 65 |larming increase|
0001fb40 20 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 6e 75 6d 62 65 72 20 6f | in the number o|
0001fb50 66 20 74 68 69 6e 67 73 20 79 6f 75 20 6b 6e 6f |f things you kno|
0001fb60 77 0a 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 61 62 6f 75 74 2e |w.nothing about.|
0001fb70 0a 5c 0a 57 68 61 74 20 6d 61 6b 65 73 20 74 68 |.\.What makes th|
0001fb80 65 20 75 6e 69 76 65 72 73 65 20 73 6f 20 68 61 |e universe so ha|
0001fb90 72 64 20 74 6f 20 63 6f 6d 70 72 65 68 65 6e 64 |rd to comprehend|
0001fba0 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 74 68 65 72 65 27 73 | is that there's|
0001fbb0 20 6e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 0a 74 6f 20 63 6f 6d 70 | nothing.to comp|
0001fbc0 61 72 65 20 69 74 20 77 69 74 68 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 |are it with..\.I|
0001fbd0 74 20 6d 61 79 20 62 65 20 74 68 61 74 20 79 6f |t may be that yo|
0001fbe0 75 72 20 77 68 6f 6c 65 20 70 75 72 70 6f 73 65 |ur whole purpose|
0001fbf0 20 69 6e 20 6c 69 66 65 20 69 73 20 73 69 6d 70 | in life is simp|
0001fc00 6c 79 20 74 6f 20 73 65 72 76 65 20 61 73 20 61 |ly to serve as a|
0001fc10 0a 77 61 72 6e 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 6f 74 68 65 |.warning to othe|
0001fc20 72 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 6f 20 62 65 20 73 75 72 65 |rs..\.To be sure|
0001fc30 20 6f 66 20 68 69 74 74 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 | of hitting the |
0001fc40 74 61 72 67 65 74 2c 20 73 68 6f 6f 74 20 66 69 |target, shoot fi|
0001fc50 72 73 74 20 61 6e 64 2c 20 77 68 61 74 65 76 65 |rst and, whateve|
0001fc60 72 20 79 6f 75 20 68 69 74 2c 0a 63 61 6c 6c 20 |r you hit,.call |
0001fc70 69 74 20 74 68 65 20 74 61 72 67 65 74 2e 0a 5c |it the target..\|
0001fc80 0a 49 66 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 49 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 |.If only I could|
0001fc90 20 62 65 20 72 65 73 70 65 63 74 65 64 20 77 69 | be respected wi|
0001fca0 74 68 6f 75 74 20 68 61 76 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 |thout having to |
0001fcb0 62 65 20 72 65 73 70 65 63 74 61 62 6c 65 2e 0a |be respectable..|
0001fcc0 5c 0a 4e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 69 6c 6c |\.Nothing is ill|
0001fcd0 65 67 61 6c 20 69 66 20 6f 6e 65 20 68 75 6e 64 |egal if one hund|
0001fce0 72 65 64 20 62 75 73 69 6e 65 73 73 6d 65 6e 20 |red businessmen |
0001fcf0 64 65 63 69 64 65 20 74 6f 20 64 6f 20 69 74 2e |decide to do it.|
0001fd00 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 41 6e 64 72 65 77 20 59 6f 75 6e |.>>- Andrew Youn|
0001fd10 67 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 69 6e 64 69 76 69 64 75 |g.\.The individu|
0001fd20 61 6c 20 63 68 6f 69 63 65 20 6f 66 20 67 61 72 |al choice of gar|
0001fd30 6e 69 73 68 6d 65 6e 74 20 6f 66 20 61 20 62 75 |nishment of a bu|
0001fd40 72 67 65 72 20 63 61 6e 20 62 65 20 61 6e 20 69 |rger can be an i|
0001fd50 6d 70 6f 72 74 61 6e 74 0a 70 6f 69 6e 74 20 74 |mportant.point t|
0001fd60 6f 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 6e 73 75 6d 65 72 20 69 |o the consumer i|
0001fd70 6e 20 74 68 69 73 20 64 61 79 20 77 68 65 6e 20 |n this day when |
0001fd80 69 6e 64 69 76 69 64 75 61 6c 69 73 6d 20 69 73 |individualism is|
0001fd90 20 61 6e 20 69 6e 63 72 65 61 73 69 6e 67 6c 79 | an increasingly|
0001fda0 0a 69 6d 70 6f 72 74 61 6e 74 20 74 68 69 6e 67 |.important thing|
0001fdb0 20 74 6f 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 | to people..>>- |
0001fdc0 44 6f 6e 61 6c 64 20 4e 2e 20 53 6d 69 74 68 2c |Donald N. Smith,|
0001fdd0 20 70 72 65 73 69 64 65 6e 74 20 6f 66 20 42 75 | president of Bu|
0001fde0 72 67 65 72 20 4b 69 6e 67 0a 5c 0a 22 49 66 20 |rger King.\."If |
0001fdf0 79 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 20 63 6f 75 6e 74 20 79 6f |you can count yo|
0001fe00 75 72 20 6d 6f 6e 65 79 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 64 6f |ur money, you do|
0001fe10 6e 27 74 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 20 62 69 6c 6c 69 |n't have a billi|
0001fe20 6f 6e 20 64 6f 6c 6c 61 72 73 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d |on dollars.".>>-|
0001fe30 20 4a 2e 20 50 61 75 6c 20 47 65 74 74 79 0a 5c | J. Paul Getty.\|
0001fe40 0a 48 65 6c 6c 20 68 61 74 68 20 6e 6f 20 66 75 |.Hell hath no fu|
0001fe50 72 79 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 61 20 62 75 72 65 61 75 |ry like a bureau|
0001fe60 63 72 61 74 20 73 63 6f 72 6e 65 64 2e 0a 3e 3e |crat scorned..>>|
0001fe70 2d 20 4d 69 6c 74 6f 6e 20 46 72 69 65 64 6d 61 |- Milton Friedma|
0001fe80 6e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 63 6f 73 74 20 6f 66 20 |n.\.The cost of |
0001fe90 6c 69 76 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 67 6f 69 6e 67 20 |living is going |
0001fea0 75 70 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 63 68 61 6e |up, and the chan|
0001feb0 63 65 20 6f 66 20 6c 69 76 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 |ce of living is |
0001fec0 67 6f 69 6e 67 0a 64 6f 77 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 |going.down..\.Th|
0001fed0 65 72 65 20 61 72 65 20 72 65 61 6c 6c 79 20 6e |ere are really n|
0001fee0 6f 74 20 6d 61 6e 79 20 6a 6f 62 73 20 74 68 61 |ot many jobs tha|
0001fef0 74 20 61 63 74 75 61 6c 6c 79 20 72 65 71 75 69 |t actually requi|
0001ff00 72 65 20 61 20 70 65 6e 69 73 20 6f 72 20 61 0a |re a penis or a.|
0001ff10 76 61 67 69 6e 61 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 61 6c 6c 20 |vagina, and all |
0001ff20 6f 74 68 65 72 20 6f 63 63 75 70 61 74 69 6f 6e |other occupation|
0001ff30 73 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 6f 70 65 6e |s should be open|
0001ff40 20 74 6f 20 65 76 65 72 79 6f 6e 65 2e 0a 3e 3e | to everyone..>>|
0001ff50 2d 20 47 6c 6f 72 69 61 20 53 74 65 69 6e 65 6d |- Gloria Steinem|
0001ff60 0a 5c 0a 57 65 20 61 72 65 20 63 6f 6e 66 72 6f |.\.We are confro|
0001ff70 6e 74 65 64 20 77 69 74 68 20 69 6e 73 75 72 6d |nted with insurm|
0001ff80 6f 75 6e 74 61 62 6c 65 20 6f 70 70 6f 72 74 75 |ountable opportu|
0001ff90 6e 69 74 69 65 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 50 6f 67 6f |nities..>>- Pogo|
0001ffa0 0a 5c 0a 4e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 72 65 63 65 64 |.\.Nothing reced|
0001ffb0 65 73 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 73 75 63 63 65 73 73 2e |es like success.|
0001ffc0 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 61 6c 74 65 72 20 57 69 6e 63 |.>>- Walter Winc|
0001ffd0 68 65 6c 6c 0a 5c 0a 49 20 64 6f 20 6e 6f 74 20 |hell.\.I do not |
0001ffe0 66 65 61 72 20 63 6f 6d 70 75 74 65 72 73 2e 20 |fear computers. |
0001fff0 20 49 20 66 65 61 72 20 74 68 65 20 6c 61 63 6b | I fear the lack|
00020000 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 6d 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 49 73 | of them..>>- Is|
00020010 61 61 63 20 41 73 69 6d 6f 76 0a 5c 0a 53 6f 6d |aac Asimov.\.Som|
00020020 65 74 69 6d 65 73 20 49 20 77 6f 72 72 79 20 61 |etimes I worry a|
00020030 62 6f 75 74 20 62 65 69 6e 67 20 61 20 73 75 63 |bout being a suc|
00020040 63 65 73 73 20 69 6e 20 61 20 6d 65 64 69 6f 63 |cess in a medioc|
00020050 72 65 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4c 69 |re world..>>- Li|
00020060 6c 79 20 54 6f 6d 6c 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 54 61 78 20 |ly Tomlin.\.Tax |
00020070 72 65 66 6f 72 6d 20 6d 65 61 6e 73 20 22 44 6f |reform means "Do|
00020080 6e 27 74 20 74 61 78 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 64 6f 6e |n't tax you, don|
00020090 27 74 20 74 61 78 20 6d 65 2c 20 74 61 78 20 74 |'t tax me, tax t|
000200a0 68 61 74 20 66 65 6c 6c 6f 77 20 62 65 68 69 6e |hat fellow behin|
000200b0 64 0a 74 68 65 20 74 72 65 65 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d |d.the tree.".>>-|
000200c0 20 52 75 73 73 65 6c 6c 20 4c 6f 6e 67 0a 5c 0a | Russell Long.\.|
000200d0 53 6f 6d 65 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 61 72 65 20 |Some people are |
000200e0 62 6f 72 6e 20 6d 65 64 69 6f 63 72 65 2c 20 73 |born mediocre, s|
000200f0 6f 6d 65 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 61 63 68 69 65 |ome people achie|
00020100 76 65 20 6d 65 64 69 6f 63 72 69 74 79 2c 20 61 |ve mediocrity, a|
00020110 6e 64 20 73 6f 6d 65 0a 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 68 |nd some.people h|
00020120 61 76 65 20 6d 65 64 69 6f 63 72 69 74 79 20 74 |ave mediocrity t|
00020130 68 72 75 73 74 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 74 68 65 6d 2e |hrust upon them.|
00020140 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4a 6f 73 65 70 68 20 48 65 6c 6c |.>>- Joseph Hell|
00020150 65 72 0a 5c 0a 59 65 73 74 65 72 64 61 79 20 49 |er.\.Yesterday I|
00020160 20 77 61 73 20 61 20 64 6f 67 2e 20 20 54 6f 64 | was a dog. Tod|
00020170 61 79 20 49 27 6d 20 61 20 64 6f 67 2e 20 20 54 |ay I'm a dog. T|
00020180 6f 6d 6f 72 72 6f 77 20 49 27 6c 6c 20 70 72 6f |omorrow I'll pro|
00020190 62 61 62 6c 79 20 73 74 69 6c 6c 0a 62 65 20 61 |bably still.be a|
000201a0 20 64 6f 67 2e 20 53 69 67 68 21 20 20 54 68 65 | dog. Sigh! The|
000201b0 72 65 27 73 20 73 6f 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 68 |re's so little h|
000201c0 6f 70 65 20 66 6f 72 20 61 64 76 61 6e 63 65 6d |ope for advancem|
000201d0 65 6e 74 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 53 6e 6f 6f 70 79 0a |ent..>>- Snoopy.|
000201e0 5c 0a 49 66 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 6e |\.If you think n|
000201f0 6f 62 6f 64 79 20 63 61 72 65 73 20 69 66 20 79 |obody cares if y|
00020200 6f 75 27 72 65 20 61 6c 69 76 65 2c 20 74 72 79 |ou're alive, try|
00020210 20 6d 69 73 73 69 6e 67 20 61 20 63 6f 75 70 6c | missing a coupl|
00020220 65 20 6f 66 20 63 61 72 0a 70 61 79 6d 65 6e 74 |e of car.payment|
00020230 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 45 61 72 6c 20 57 69 6c 73 |s..>>- Earl Wils|
00020240 6f 6e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 74 72 6f 75 62 6c 65 |on.\.The trouble|
00020250 20 77 69 74 68 20 62 65 69 6e 67 20 70 6f 6f 72 | with being poor|
00020260 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 69 74 20 74 61 6b 65 | is that it take|
00020270 73 20 75 70 20 61 6c 6c 20 79 6f 75 72 20 74 69 |s up all your ti|
00020280 6d 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 49 66 20 61 6c 6c 20 65 6c 73 |me..\.If all els|
00020290 65 20 66 61 69 6c 73 2c 20 69 6d 6d 6f 72 74 61 |e fails, immorta|
000202a0 6c 69 74 79 20 63 61 6e 20 61 6c 77 61 79 73 20 |lity can always |
000202b0 62 65 20 61 73 73 75 72 65 64 20 62 79 20 73 70 |be assured by sp|
000202c0 65 63 74 61 63 75 6c 61 72 0a 65 72 72 6f 72 2e |ectacular.error.|
000202d0 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4a 6f 68 6e 20 4b 65 6e 6e 65 74 |.>>- John Kennet|
000202e0 68 20 47 61 6c 62 72 61 69 74 68 0a 5c 0a 57 68 |h Galbraith.\.Wh|
000202f0 65 72 65 20 68 75 6d 6f 72 20 69 73 20 63 6f 6e |ere humor is con|
00020300 63 65 72 6e 65 64 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 61 72 65 |cerned there are|
00020310 20 6e 6f 20 73 74 61 6e 64 61 72 64 73 20 2d 2d | no standards --|
00020320 20 6e 6f 20 6f 6e 65 20 63 61 6e 20 73 61 79 20 | no one can say |
00020330 77 68 61 74 0a 69 73 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 6f 72 20 |what.is good or |
00020340 62 61 64 2c 20 61 6c 74 68 6f 75 67 68 20 79 6f |bad, although yo|
00020350 75 20 63 61 6e 20 62 65 20 73 75 72 65 20 74 68 |u can be sure th|
00020360 61 74 20 65 76 65 72 79 6f 6e 65 20 77 69 6c 6c |at everyone will|
00020370 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4a 6f 68 6e 20 4b 65 6e 6e 65 |..>>- John Kenne|
00020380 74 68 20 47 61 6c 62 72 61 69 74 68 0a 5c 0a 54 |th Galbraith.\.T|
00020390 56 20 69 73 20 63 68 65 77 69 6e 67 20 67 75 6d |V is chewing gum|
000203a0 20 66 6f 72 20 74 68 65 20 65 79 65 73 2e 0a 3e | for the eyes..>|
000203b0 3e 2d 20 46 72 61 6e 6b 20 4c 6c 6f 79 64 20 57 |>- Frank Lloyd W|
000203c0 72 69 67 68 74 0a 5c 0a 48 65 20 77 68 6f 20 61 |right.\.He who a|
000203d0 74 74 61 63 6b 73 20 74 68 65 20 66 75 6e 64 61 |ttacks the funda|
000203e0 6d 65 6e 74 61 6c 73 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 41 |mentals of the A|
000203f0 6d 65 72 69 63 61 6e 20 62 72 6f 61 64 63 61 73 |merican broadcas|
00020400 74 69 6e 67 20 69 6e 64 75 73 74 72 79 0a 61 74 |ting industry.at|
00020410 74 61 63 6b 73 20 64 65 6d 6f 63 72 61 63 79 20 |tacks democracy |
00020420 69 74 73 65 6c 66 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 69 6c 6c |itself..>>- Will|
00020430 69 61 6d 20 53 2e 20 50 61 6c 65 79 2c 20 63 68 |iam S. Paley, ch|
00020440 61 69 72 6d 61 6e 20 6f 66 20 43 42 53 0a 5c 0a |airman of CBS.\.|
00020450 50 61 73 73 69 6f 6e 61 74 65 20 68 61 74 72 65 |Passionate hatre|
00020460 64 20 63 61 6e 20 67 69 76 65 20 6d 65 61 6e 69 |d can give meani|
00020470 6e 67 20 61 6e 64 20 70 75 72 70 6f 73 65 20 74 |ng and purpose t|
00020480 6f 20 61 6e 20 65 6d 70 74 79 20 6c 69 66 65 2e |o an empty life.|
00020490 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 45 72 69 63 20 48 6f 66 66 65 72 |.>>- Eric Hoffer|
000204a0 0a 5c 0a 59 6f 75 20 63 6f 75 6c 64 6e 27 74 20 |.\.You couldn't |
000204b0 65 76 65 6e 20 70 72 6f 76 65 20 74 68 65 20 57 |even prove the W|
000204c0 68 69 74 65 20 48 6f 75 73 65 20 73 74 61 66 66 |hite House staff|
000204d0 20 73 61 6e 65 20 62 65 79 6f 6e 64 20 61 20 72 | sane beyond a r|
000204e0 65 61 73 6f 6e 61 62 6c 65 0a 64 6f 75 62 74 2e |easonable.doubt.|
000204f0 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 45 64 20 4d 65 65 73 65 2c 20 6f |.>>- Ed Meese, o|
00020500 6e 20 74 68 65 20 48 69 6e 63 6b 6c 65 79 20 76 |n the Hinckley v|
00020510 65 72 64 69 63 74 0a 5c 0a 49 66 20 79 6f 75 20 |erdict.\.If you |
00020520 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 74 68 65 20 55 6e 69 74 65 64 |think the United|
00020530 20 53 74 61 74 65 73 20 68 61 73 20 73 74 6f 6f | States has stoo|
00020540 64 20 73 74 69 6c 6c 2c 20 77 68 6f 20 62 75 69 |d still, who bui|
00020550 6c 74 20 74 68 65 20 6c 61 72 67 65 73 74 0a 73 |lt the largest.s|
00020560 68 6f 70 70 69 6e 67 20 63 65 6e 74 65 72 20 69 |hopping center i|
00020570 6e 20 74 68 65 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 3f 0a 3e 3e 2d |n the world?.>>-|
00020580 20 52 69 63 68 61 72 64 20 4e 69 78 6f 6e 0a 5c | Richard Nixon.\|
00020590 0a 49 66 20 61 74 20 66 69 72 73 74 20 79 6f 75 |.If at first you|
000205a0 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 73 75 63 63 65 65 64 2c 20 | don't succeed, |
000205b0 72 65 64 65 66 69 6e 65 20 73 75 63 63 65 73 73 |redefine success|
000205c0 2e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 41 4d |..\. AM|
000205d0 41 5a 49 4e 47 20 42 55 54 20 54 52 55 45 2e 2e |AZING BUT TRUE..|
000205e0 2e 0a 49 66 20 61 6c 6c 20 74 68 65 20 73 61 6c |..If all the sal|
000205f0 6d 6f 6e 20 63 61 75 67 68 74 20 69 6e 20 43 61 |mon caught in Ca|
00020600 6e 61 64 61 20 69 6e 20 6f 6e 65 20 79 65 61 72 |nada in one year|
00020610 20 77 65 72 65 20 6c 61 69 64 20 65 6e 64 20 74 | were laid end t|
00020620 6f 20 65 6e 64 0a 61 63 72 6f 73 73 20 74 68 65 |o end.across the|
00020630 20 53 61 68 61 72 61 20 44 65 73 65 72 74 2c 20 | Sahara Desert, |
00020640 74 68 65 20 73 6d 65 6c 6c 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 |the smell would |
00020650 62 65 20 61 62 73 6f 6c 75 74 65 6c 79 20 61 77 |be absolutely aw|
00020660 66 75 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 |ful..\. |
00020670 20 41 4d 41 5a 49 4e 47 20 42 55 54 20 54 52 55 | AMAZING BUT TRU|
00020680 45 2e 2e 2e 0a 54 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 20 73 6f |E....There is so|
00020690 20 6d 75 63 68 20 73 61 6e 64 20 69 6e 20 4e 6f | much sand in No|
000206a0 72 74 68 65 72 6e 20 41 66 72 69 63 61 20 74 68 |rthern Africa th|
000206b0 61 74 20 69 66 20 69 74 20 77 65 72 65 20 73 70 |at if it were sp|
000206c0 72 65 61 64 20 6f 75 74 20 69 74 0a 77 6f 75 6c |read out it.woul|
000206d0 64 20 63 6f 6d 70 6c 65 74 65 6c 79 20 63 6f 76 |d completely cov|
000206e0 65 72 20 74 68 65 20 53 61 68 61 72 61 20 44 65 |er the Sahara De|
000206f0 73 65 72 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 6e 79 6f 6e 65 20 77 |sert..\.Anyone w|
00020700 68 6f 20 69 73 20 63 61 70 61 62 6c 65 20 6f 66 |ho is capable of|
00020710 20 67 65 74 74 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 6d 73 65 6c | getting themsel|
00020720 76 65 73 20 6d 61 64 65 20 50 72 65 73 69 64 65 |ves made Preside|
00020730 6e 74 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 6f 6e 20 6e 6f 0a |nt should on no.|
00020740 61 63 63 6f 75 6e 74 20 62 65 20 61 6c 6c 6f 77 |account be allow|
00020750 65 64 20 74 6f 20 64 6f 20 74 68 65 20 6a 6f 62 |ed to do the job|
00020760 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 54 68 65 20 48 69 74 63 68 68 |..>>- The Hitchh|
00020770 69 6b 65 72 27 73 20 47 75 69 64 65 20 74 6f 20 |iker's Guide to |
00020780 74 68 65 20 47 61 6c 61 78 79 0a 5c 0a 57 69 74 |the Galaxy.\.Wit|
00020790 68 20 61 20 72 75 62 62 65 72 20 64 75 63 6b 2c |h a rubber duck,|
000207a0 20 6f 6e 65 27 73 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 61 6c 6f | one's never alo|
000207b0 6e 65 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 54 68 65 20 48 69 74 63 |ne..>>- The Hitc|
000207c0 68 68 69 6b 65 72 27 73 20 47 75 69 64 65 20 74 |hhiker's Guide t|
000207d0 6f 20 74 68 65 20 47 61 6c 61 78 79 0a 5c 0a 4c |o the Galaxy.\.L|
000207e0 45 54 54 45 52 53 20 54 4f 20 54 48 45 20 45 44 |ETTERS TO THE ED|
000207f0 49 54 4f 52 20 28 54 68 65 20 54 69 6d 65 73 20 |ITOR (The Times |
00020800 6f 66 20 4c 6f 6e 64 6f 6e 29 0a 0a 44 65 61 72 |of London)..Dear|
00020810 20 53 69 72 2c 0a 0a 49 20 61 6d 20 66 69 72 6d | Sir,..I am firm|
00020820 6c 79 20 6f 70 70 6f 73 65 64 20 74 6f 20 74 68 |ly opposed to th|
00020830 65 20 73 70 72 65 61 64 20 6f 66 20 6d 69 63 72 |e spread of micr|
00020840 6f 63 68 69 70 73 20 65 69 74 68 65 72 20 74 6f |ochips either to|
00020850 20 74 68 65 20 68 6f 6d 65 20 6f 72 0a 74 6f 20 | the home or.to |
00020860 74 68 65 20 6f 66 66 69 63 65 2e 20 20 57 65 20 |the office. We |
00020870 68 61 76 65 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 74 68 61 6e 20 65 |have more than e|
00020880 6e 6f 75 67 68 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 6d 20 66 6f |nough of them fo|
00020890 69 73 74 65 64 20 75 70 6f 6e 20 75 73 20 69 6e |isted upon us in|
000208a0 0a 70 75 62 6c 69 63 20 70 6c 61 63 65 73 2e 20 |.public places. |
000208b0 20 54 68 65 79 20 61 72 65 20 61 20 64 69 73 67 | They are a disg|
000208c0 75 73 74 69 6e 67 20 41 6d 65 72 69 63 61 6e 69 |usting Americani|
000208d0 73 6d 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 63 61 6e 20 6f 6e 6c 79 |sm, and can only|
000208e0 20 72 65 73 75 6c 74 0a 69 6e 20 74 68 65 20 66 | result.in the f|
000208f0 61 72 6d 65 72 73 20 62 65 69 6e 67 20 66 6f 72 |armers being for|
00020900 63 65 64 20 74 6f 20 67 72 6f 77 20 73 6d 61 6c |ced to grow smal|
00020910 6c 65 72 20 70 6f 74 61 74 6f 65 73 2c 20 77 68 |ler potatoes, wh|
00020920 69 63 68 20 69 6e 20 74 75 72 6e 0a 77 69 6c 6c |ich in turn.will|
00020930 20 63 61 75 73 65 20 6d 61 73 73 69 76 65 20 75 | cause massive u|
00020940 6e 65 6d 70 6c 6f 79 6d 65 6e 74 20 69 6e 20 74 |nemployment in t|
00020950 68 65 20 61 6c 72 65 61 64 79 20 73 65 76 65 72 |he already sever|
00020960 65 6c 79 20 64 65 70 72 65 73 73 65 64 0a 61 67 |ely depressed.ag|
00020970 72 69 63 75 6c 74 75 72 61 6c 20 69 6e 64 75 73 |ricultural indus|
00020980 74 72 79 2e 0a 0a 59 6f 75 72 73 20 66 61 69 74 |try...Yours fait|
00020990 68 66 75 6c 6c 79 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 43 61 70 |hfully,. Cap|
000209a0 74 2e 20 51 75 69 6e 74 6f 6e 20 44 27 41 72 63 |t. Quinton D'Arc|
000209b0 79 2c 20 4a 2e 50 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 53 65 76 |y, J.P.. Sev|
000209c0 65 6e 6f 61 6b 73 0a 5c 0a 54 65 72 74 75 6c 6c |enoaks.\.Tertull|
000209d0 69 61 6e 20 77 61 73 20 62 6f 72 6e 20 69 6e 20 |ian was born in |
000209e0 43 61 72 74 68 61 67 65 20 73 6f 6d 65 77 68 65 |Carthage somewhe|
000209f0 72 65 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 31 36 30 20 41 2e 44 |re about 160 A.D|
00020a00 2e 20 20 48 65 20 77 61 73 20 61 0a 70 61 67 61 |. He was a.paga|
00020a10 6e 2c 20 61 6e 64 20 68 65 20 61 62 61 6e 64 6f |n, and he abando|
00020a20 6e 65 64 20 68 69 6d 73 65 6c 66 20 74 6f 20 74 |ned himself to t|
00020a30 68 65 20 6c 61 73 63 69 76 69 6f 75 73 20 6c 69 |he lascivious li|
00020a40 66 65 20 6f 66 20 68 69 73 20 63 69 74 79 0a 75 |fe of his city.u|
00020a50 6e 74 69 6c 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 68 69 73 20 33 |ntil about his 3|
00020a60 35 74 68 20 79 65 61 72 2c 20 77 68 65 6e 20 68 |5th year, when h|
00020a70 65 20 62 65 63 61 6d 65 20 61 20 43 68 72 69 73 |e became a Chris|
00020a80 74 69 61 6e 20 2e 2e 2e 2e 20 20 54 6f 20 68 69 |tian .... To hi|
00020a90 6d 20 69 73 0a 61 73 63 72 69 62 65 64 20 74 68 |m is.ascribed th|
00020aa0 65 20 73 75 62 6c 69 6d 65 20 63 6f 6e 66 65 73 |e sublime confes|
00020ab0 73 69 6f 6e 3a 20 43 72 65 64 6f 20 71 75 69 61 |sion: Credo quia|
00020ac0 20 61 62 73 75 72 64 75 6d 20 65 73 74 20 28 49 | absurdum est (I|
00020ad0 20 62 65 6c 69 65 76 65 0a 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 | believe.because|
00020ae0 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 61 62 73 75 72 64 29 2e 20 | it is absurd). |
00020af0 20 54 68 69 73 20 64 6f 65 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 61 | This does not a|
00020b00 6c 74 6f 67 65 74 68 65 72 20 61 63 63 6f 72 64 |ltogether accord|
00020b10 20 77 69 74 68 20 68 69 73 74 6f 72 69 63 61 6c | with historical|
00020b20 0a 66 61 63 74 2c 20 66 6f 72 20 68 65 20 6d 65 |.fact, for he me|
00020b30 72 65 6c 79 20 73 61 69 64 3a 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 |rely said:.. |
00020b40 20 22 41 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 53 6f 6e 20 6f 66 | "And the Son of|
00020b50 20 47 6f 64 20 64 69 65 64 2c 20 77 68 69 63 68 | God died, which|
00020b60 20 69 73 20 69 6d 6d 65 64 69 61 74 65 6c 79 20 | is immediately |
00020b70 63 72 65 64 69 62 6c 65 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 |credible because|
00020b80 0a 20 20 20 20 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 61 62 73 75 |. it is absu|
00020b90 72 64 2e 20 20 41 6e 64 20 62 75 72 69 65 64 20 |rd. And buried |
00020ba0 68 65 20 72 6f 73 65 20 61 67 61 69 6e 2c 20 77 |he rose again, w|
00020bb0 68 69 63 68 20 69 73 20 63 65 72 74 61 69 6e 0a |hich is certain.|
00020bc0 20 20 20 20 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 69 74 20 | because it |
00020bd0 69 73 20 69 6d 70 6f 73 73 69 62 6c 65 2e 22 0a |is impossible.".|
00020be0 0a 54 68 61 6e 6b 73 20 74 6f 20 74 68 65 20 61 |.Thanks to the a|
00020bf0 63 75 74 65 6e 65 73 73 20 6f 66 20 68 69 73 20 |cuteness of his |
00020c00 6d 69 6e 64 2c 20 68 65 20 73 61 77 20 74 68 72 |mind, he saw thr|
00020c10 6f 75 67 68 20 74 68 65 20 70 6f 76 65 72 74 79 |ough the poverty|
00020c20 20 6f 66 0a 70 68 69 6c 6f 73 6f 70 68 69 63 61 | of.philosophica|
00020c30 6c 20 61 6e 64 20 47 6e 6f 73 74 69 63 20 6b 6e |l and Gnostic kn|
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00021080 0a 46 6c 6f 6e 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 |.Flon's Law:. |
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00021110 54 20 4d 4f 4d 45 4e 54 53 20 49 4e 20 41 4d 45 |T MOMENTS IN AME|
00021120 52 49 43 41 4e 20 48 49 53 54 4f 52 59 20 28 23 |RICAN HISTORY (#|
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00021290 68 69 73 20 61 66 66 61 69 72 73 20 69 6e 20 61 |his affairs in a|
000212a0 0a 74 69 6e 79 20 63 6c 6f 73 65 74 20 69 6e 20 |.tiny closet in |
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00021330 2e 0a 5c 0a 22 54 68 65 20 77 61 72 6e 69 6e 67 |..\."The warning|
00021340 20 6d 65 73 73 61 67 65 20 77 65 20 73 65 6e 74 | message we sent|
00021350 20 74 68 65 20 52 75 73 73 69 61 6e 73 20 77 61 | the Russians wa|
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000213a0 41 6c 65 78 61 6e 64 65 72 20 48 61 69 67 0a 5c |Alexander Haig.\|
000213b0 0a 54 68 69 73 20 6c 69 66 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 |.This life is a |
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000213d0 79 20 61 20 74 65 73 74 2e 20 20 48 61 64 20 74 |y a test. Had t|
000213e0 68 69 73 20 62 65 65 6e 20 61 6e 20 61 63 74 75 |his been an actu|
000213f0 61 6c 20 6c 69 66 65 2c 0a 79 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 |al life,.you wou|
00021400 6c 64 20 68 61 76 65 20 72 65 63 65 69 76 65 64 |ld have received|
00021410 20 66 75 72 74 68 65 72 20 69 6e 73 74 72 75 63 | further instruc|
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00021440 0a 74 6f 20 67 6f 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 6f 20 59 4f 55 |.to go..\.To YOU|
00021450 20 49 27 6d 20 61 6e 20 61 74 68 65 69 73 74 3b | I'm an atheist;|
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00021480 6e 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 6f 6f 64 79 20 41 6c 6c |n..>>- Woody All|
00021490 65 6e 0a 5c 0a 22 45 61 72 74 68 20 69 73 20 61 |en.\."Earth is a|
000214a0 20 67 72 65 61 74 20 66 75 6e 68 6f 75 73 65 20 | great funhouse |
000214b0 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 20 74 68 65 20 66 75 6e 2e |without the fun.|
000214c0 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4a 65 66 66 20 42 65 72 6e 65 |".>>- Jeff Berne|
000214d0 72 0a 5c 0a 43 6f 63 61 69 6e 65 20 2d 2d 20 74 |r.\.Cocaine -- t|
000214e0 68 65 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 69 6e 67 20 6d 61 6e 27 |he thinking man'|
000214f0 73 20 44 72 69 73 74 61 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 54 68 69 |s Dristan..\.Thi|
00021500 73 20 69 73 20 4e 61 74 69 6f 6e 61 6c 20 4e 6f |s is National No|
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00021540 68 65 20 50 72 65 73 69 64 65 6e 74 20 64 6f 65 |he President doe|
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00021560 49 53 20 49 53 20 50 4c 45 44 47 45 20 57 45 45 |IS IS PLEDGE WEE|
00021570 4b 20 46 4f 52 20 54 48 45 20 46 4f 52 54 55 4e |K FOR THE FORTUN|
00021580 45 20 50 52 4f 47 52 41 4d 0a 0a 49 66 20 79 6f |E PROGRAM..If yo|
00021590 75 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 74 68 65 20 66 6f 72 74 75 |u like the fortu|
000215a0 6e 65 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 2c 20 77 68 79 20 |ne program, why |
000215b0 6e 6f 74 20 73 75 70 70 6f 72 74 20 69 74 20 6e |not support it n|
000215c0 6f 77 20 77 69 74 68 20 79 6f 75 72 0a 63 6f 6e |ow with your.con|
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000215f0 65 61 6e 20 6f 72 20 6f 62 73 63 65 6e 65 3f 20 |ean or obscene? |
00021600 20 57 65 20 63 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 63 6f 6e 74 69 | We cannot conti|
00021610 6e 75 65 0a 77 69 74 68 6f 75 74 20 79 6f 75 72 |nue.without your|
00021620 20 73 75 70 70 6f 72 74 2e 20 20 4c 65 73 73 20 | support. Less |
00021630 74 68 61 6e 20 31 34 25 20 6f 66 20 61 6c 6c 20 |than 14% of all |
00021640 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 20 75 73 65 72 73 20 61 72 |fortune users ar|
00021650 65 0a 63 6f 6e 74 72 69 62 75 74 6f 72 73 2e 20 |e.contributors. |
00021660 20 54 68 61 74 20 6d 65 61 6e 73 20 74 68 61 74 | That means that|
00021670 20 38 36 25 20 6f 66 20 79 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 | 86% of you are |
00021680 67 65 74 74 69 6e 67 20 61 20 66 72 65 65 20 72 |getting a free r|
00021690 69 64 65 2e 20 20 57 65 0a 63 61 6e 27 74 20 67 |ide. We.can't g|
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00021770 61 2e 6d 2e 20 20 44 6f 6e 27 74 20 6c 65 74 20 |a.m. Don't let |
00021780 74 68 69 73 20 68 61 70 70 65 6e 2e 20 20 4d 61 |this happen. Ma|
00021790 69 6c 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 73 |il your fortunes|
000217a0 20 72 69 67 68 74 20 6e 6f 77 20 74 6f 0a 60 66 | right now to.`f|
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000217d0 72 69 74 65 20 70 69 74 68 79 20 73 61 79 69 6e |rite pithy sayin|
000217e0 67 2e 20 20 44 6f 20 69 74 20 6e 6f 77 20 62 65 |g. Do it now be|
000217f0 66 6f 72 65 0a 79 6f 75 20 66 6f 72 67 65 74 2e |fore.you forget.|
00021800 20 20 4f 75 72 20 74 61 72 67 65 74 20 69 73 20 | Our target is |
00021810 33 30 30 20 6e 65 77 20 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 73 |300 new fortunes|
00021820 20 62 79 20 74 68 65 20 65 6e 64 20 6f 66 20 74 | by the end of t|
00021830 68 65 20 77 65 65 6b 2e 0a 44 6f 6e 27 74 20 6d |he week..Don't m|
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00021870 20 79 6f 75 20 63 6f 6e 74 72 69 62 75 74 65 0a | you contribute.|
00021880 33 30 20 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 73 20 6f 72 20 6d |30 fortunes or m|
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000218a0 63 65 69 76 65 20 61 20 66 72 65 65 20 73 75 62 |ceive a free sub|
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00021900 20 35 30 20 6f 72 0a 6d 6f 72 65 2c 20 79 6f 75 | 50 or.more, you|
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00021920 66 72 65 65 20 22 46 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 20 48 75 |free "Fortune Hu|
00021930 6e 74 65 72 22 20 63 6f 66 66 65 65 20 6d 75 67 |nter" coffee mug|
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00021950 69 73 20 74 68 65 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 61 64 76 65 |is the only adve|
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00021970 65 20 63 6f 77 61 72 64 6c 79 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 |e cowardly..>>- |
00021980 56 6f 6c 74 61 69 72 65 0a 5c 0a 51 3a 20 48 6f |Voltaire.\.Q: Ho|
00021990 77 20 6d 61 6e 79 20 44 45 43 20 72 65 70 61 69 |w many DEC repai|
000219a0 72 6d 61 6e 20 64 6f 65 73 20 69 74 20 74 61 6b |rman does it tak|
000219b0 65 20 74 6f 20 66 69 78 20 61 20 66 6c 61 74 20 |e to fix a flat |
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000219f0 61 70 20 74 69 72 65 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 51 3a 20 48 |ap tires..\.Q: H|
00021a00 6f 77 20 6d 61 6e 79 20 49 42 4d 20 43 50 55 27 |ow many IBM CPU'|
00021a10 73 20 64 6f 65 73 20 69 74 20 74 61 6b 65 20 74 |s does it take t|
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00021a30 0a 41 3a 20 46 6f 75 72 3b 20 74 68 72 65 65 20 |.A: Four; three |
00021a40 74 6f 20 68 6f 6c 64 20 69 74 20 64 6f 77 6e 2c |to hold it down,|
00021a50 20 61 6e 64 20 6f 6e 65 20 74 6f 20 72 69 70 20 | and one to rip |
00021a60 69 74 73 20 68 65 61 64 20 6f 66 66 2e 0a 5c 0a |its head off..\.|
00021a70 53 45 4d 49 4e 41 52 53 3a 20 20 46 72 6f 6d 20 |SEMINARS: From |
00021a80 27 73 65 6d 69 27 20 61 6e 64 20 27 61 72 73 65 |'semi' and 'arse|
00021a90 27 2c 20 68 65 6e 63 65 2c 20 61 6e 79 20 68 61 |', hence, any ha|
00021aa0 6c 66 2d 61 73 73 65 64 20 64 69 73 63 75 73 73 |lf-assed discuss|
00021ab0 69 6f 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 50 4f 4c 49 54 49 43 49 41 |ion..\.POLITICIA|
00021ac0 4e 3a 20 20 46 72 6f 6d 20 74 68 65 20 47 72 65 |N: From the Gre|
00021ad0 65 6b 20 27 70 6f 6c 79 27 20 28 22 6d 61 6e 79 |ek 'poly' ("many|
00021ae0 22 29 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 46 72 65 6e 63 |") and the Frenc|
00021af0 68 20 27 74 65 74 65 27 0a 28 22 68 65 61 64 22 |h 'tete'.("head"|
00021b00 20 6f 72 20 22 66 61 63 65 2c 22 20 61 73 20 69 | or "face," as i|
00021b10 6e 20 27 74 65 74 65 2d 61 2d 74 65 74 65 27 3a |n 'tete-a-tete':|
00021b20 20 68 65 61 64 20 74 6f 20 68 65 61 64 20 6f 72 | head to head or|
00021b30 20 66 61 63 65 20 74 6f 20 66 61 63 65 29 2e 0a | face to face)..|
00021b40 48 65 6e 63 65 20 27 70 6f 6c 79 74 65 74 69 65 |Hence 'polytetie|
00021b50 6e 27 2c 20 61 20 70 65 72 73 6f 6e 20 6f 66 20 |n', a person of |
00021b60 74 77 6f 20 6f 72 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 66 61 63 65 |two or more face|
00021b70 73 2e 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4d 61 72 74 69 6e 20 50 69 |s..>>- Martin Pi|
00021b80 74 74 0a 5c 0a 43 41 4c 49 46 4f 52 4e 49 41 3a |tt.\.CALIFORNIA:|
00021b90 20 20 46 72 6f 6d 20 4c 61 74 69 6e 20 27 63 61 | From Latin 'ca|
00021ba0 6c 6f 72 27 2c 20 6d 65 61 6e 69 6e 67 20 22 68 |lor', meaning "h|
00021bb0 65 61 74 22 20 28 61 73 20 69 6e 20 45 6e 67 6c |eat" (as in Engl|
00021bc0 69 73 68 0a 27 63 61 6c 6f 72 69 65 27 20 6f 72 |ish.'calorie' or|
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00023b50 74 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 61 20 6d 69 73 |t would be a mis|
00023b60 66 6f 72 74 75 6e 65 2e 20 20 42 75 74 20 69 66 |fortune. But if|
00023b70 20 73 6f 6d 65 6f 6e 65 20 64 72 61 67 67 65 64 | someone dragged|
00023b80 20 68 69 6d 0a 6f 75 74 20 61 67 61 69 6e 2c 20 | him.out again, |
00023b90 69 74 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 61 20 63 61 |it would be a ca|
00023ba0 6c 61 6d 69 74 79 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 42 65 6e |lamity.".>>- Ben|
00023bb0 6a 61 6d 69 6e 20 44 69 73 72 61 65 6c 69 0a 5c |jamin Disraeli.\|
00023bc0 0a 47 2e 20 42 2e 20 53 68 61 77 20 74 6f 20 57 |.G. B. Shaw to W|
00023bd0 69 6c 6c 69 61 6d 20 44 6f 75 67 6c 61 73 20 48 |illiam Douglas H|
00023be0 6f 6d 65 3a 20 20 22 47 6f 20 6f 6e 20 77 72 69 |ome: "Go on wri|
00023bf0 74 69 6e 67 20 70 6c 61 79 73 2c 20 6d 79 20 62 |ting plays, my b|
00023c00 6f 79 2e 20 20 4f 6e 65 0a 6f 66 20 74 68 65 73 |oy. One.of thes|
00023c10 65 20 64 61 79 73 20 61 20 4c 6f 6e 64 6f 6e 20 |e days a London |
00023c20 70 72 6f 64 75 63 65 72 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 67 6f |producer will go|
00023c30 20 69 6e 74 6f 20 68 69 73 20 6f 66 66 69 63 65 | into his office|
00023c40 20 61 6e 64 20 73 61 79 20 74 6f 20 68 69 73 0a | and say to his.|
00023c50 73 65 63 72 65 74 61 72 79 2c 20 27 49 73 20 74 |secretary, 'Is t|
00023c60 68 65 72 65 20 61 20 70 6c 61 79 20 66 72 6f 6d |here a play from|
00023c70 20 53 68 61 77 20 74 68 69 73 20 6d 6f 72 6e 69 | Shaw this morni|
00023c80 6e 67 3f 27 20 61 6e 64 20 77 68 65 6e 20 73 68 |ng?' and when sh|
00023c90 65 20 73 61 79 73 0a 27 4e 6f 2c 27 20 68 65 20 |e says.'No,' he |
00023ca0 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 61 79 2c 20 27 57 65 6c 6c 2c |will say, 'Well,|
00023cb0 20 74 68 65 6e 20 77 65 27 6c 6c 20 68 61 76 65 | then we'll have|
00023cc0 20 74 6f 20 73 74 61 72 74 20 6f 6e 20 74 68 65 | to start on the|
00023cd0 20 72 75 62 62 69 73 68 2e 27 0a 41 6e 64 20 74 | rubbish.'.And t|
00023ce0 68 61 74 27 73 20 79 6f 75 72 20 63 68 61 6e 63 |hat's your chanc|
00023cf0 65 2c 20 6d 79 20 62 6f 79 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 22 49 |e, my boy.".\."I|
00023d00 74 20 77 61 73 20 70 6c 65 61 73 61 6e 74 20 74 |t was pleasant t|
00023d10 6f 20 6d 65 20 74 6f 20 67 65 74 20 61 20 6c 65 |o me to get a le|
00023d20 74 74 65 72 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 |tter from you th|
00023d30 65 20 6f 74 68 65 72 20 64 61 79 2e 20 20 50 65 |e other day. Pe|
00023d40 72 68 61 70 73 0a 49 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 68 |rhaps.I should h|
00023d50 61 76 65 20 66 6f 75 6e 64 20 69 74 20 70 6c 65 |ave found it ple|
00023d60 61 73 61 6e 74 65 72 20 69 66 20 49 20 68 61 64 |asanter if I had|
00023d70 20 62 65 65 6e 20 61 62 6c 65 20 74 6f 20 64 65 | been able to de|
00023d80 63 69 70 68 65 72 20 69 74 2e 20 20 49 0a 64 6f |cipher it. I.do|
00023d90 6e 27 74 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 74 68 61 74 20 49 |n't think that I|
00023da0 20 6d 61 73 74 65 72 65 64 20 61 6e 79 74 68 69 | mastered anythi|
00023db0 6e 67 20 62 65 79 6f 6e 64 20 74 68 65 20 64 61 |ng beyond the da|
00023dc0 74 65 20 28 77 68 69 63 68 20 49 20 6b 6e 65 77 |te (which I knew|
00023dd0 29 20 61 6e 64 0a 74 68 65 20 73 69 67 6e 61 74 |) and.the signat|
00023de0 75 72 65 20 28 77 68 69 63 68 20 49 20 67 75 65 |ure (which I gue|
00023df0 73 73 65 64 20 61 74 29 2e 20 20 54 68 65 72 65 |ssed at). There|
00023e00 27 73 20 61 20 73 69 6e 67 75 6c 61 72 20 61 6e |'s a singular an|
00023e10 64 20 61 20 70 65 72 70 65 74 75 61 6c 0a 63 68 |d a perpetual.ch|
00023e20 61 72 6d 20 69 6e 20 61 20 6c 65 74 74 65 72 20 |arm in a letter |
00023e30 6f 66 20 79 6f 75 72 73 3b 20 69 74 20 6e 65 76 |of yours; it nev|
00023e40 65 72 20 67 72 6f 77 73 20 6f 6c 64 2c 20 69 74 |er grows old, it|
00023e50 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 6c 6f 73 65 73 20 69 74 73 | never loses its|
00023e60 0a 6e 6f 76 65 6c 74 79 20 2e 2e 2e 2e 20 4f 74 |.novelty .... Ot|
00023e70 68 65 72 20 6c 65 74 74 65 72 73 20 61 72 65 20 |her letters are |
00023e80 72 65 61 64 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 72 6f 77 6e 20 |read and thrown |
00023e90 61 77 61 79 20 61 6e 64 20 66 6f 72 67 6f 74 74 |away and forgott|
00023ea0 65 6e 2c 20 62 75 74 0a 79 6f 75 72 73 20 61 72 |en, but.yours ar|
00023eb0 65 20 6b 65 70 74 20 66 6f 72 65 76 65 72 20 2d |e kept forever -|
00023ec0 2d 20 75 6e 72 65 61 64 2e 20 20 4f 6e 65 20 6f |- unread. One o|
00023ed0 66 20 74 68 65 6d 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 6c 61 73 74 |f them will last|
00023ee0 20 61 20 72 65 61 73 6f 6e 61 62 6c 65 0a 6d 61 | a reasonable.ma|
00023ef0 6e 20 61 20 6c 69 66 65 74 69 6d 65 2e 22 0a 3e |n a lifetime.".>|
00023f00 3e 2d 20 54 68 6f 6d 61 73 20 41 6c 64 72 69 63 |>- Thomas Aldric|
00023f10 68 0a 5c 0a 22 4d 61 63 44 6f 6e 61 6c 64 20 68 |h.\."MacDonald h|
00023f20 61 73 20 74 68 65 20 67 69 66 74 20 6f 6e 20 63 |as the gift on c|
00023f30 6f 6d 70 72 65 73 73 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 6c |ompressing the l|
00023f40 61 72 67 65 73 74 20 61 6d 6f 75 6e 74 20 6f 66 |argest amount of|
00023f50 20 77 6f 72 64 73 20 69 6e 74 6f 0a 74 68 65 20 | words into.the |
00023f60 73 6d 61 6c 6c 65 73 74 20 61 6d 6f 75 6e 74 20 |smallest amount |
00023f70 6f 66 20 74 68 6f 75 67 68 74 73 2e 22 0a 3e 3e |of thoughts.".>>|
00023f80 2d 20 57 69 6e 73 74 6f 6e 20 43 68 75 72 63 68 |- Winston Church|
00023f90 69 6c 6c 0a 5c 0a 41 63 74 6f 72 3a 20 20 22 49 |ill.\.Actor: "I|
00023fa0 27 6d 20 61 20 73 6d 61 73 68 20 68 69 74 2e 20 |'m a smash hit. |
00023fb0 20 57 68 79 2c 20 79 65 73 74 65 72 64 61 79 20 | Why, yesterday |
00023fc0 64 75 72 69 6e 67 20 74 68 65 20 6c 61 73 74 20 |during the last |
00023fd0 61 63 74 2c 20 49 20 68 61 64 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |act, I had. |
00023fe0 65 76 65 72 79 6f 6e 65 20 67 6c 75 65 64 20 69 |everyone glued i|
00023ff0 6e 20 74 68 65 69 72 20 73 65 61 74 73 21 22 0a |n their seats!".|
00024000 4f 6c 69 76 65 72 20 48 65 72 66 6f 72 64 3a 20 |Oliver Herford: |
00024010 20 22 57 6f 6e 64 65 72 66 75 6c 21 20 20 57 6f | "Wonderful! Wo|
00024020 6e 64 65 72 66 75 6c 21 20 20 43 6c 65 76 65 72 |nderful! Clever|
00024030 20 6f 66 20 79 6f 75 20 74 6f 20 74 68 69 6e 6b | of you to think|
00024040 20 6f 66 0a 20 20 20 20 20 69 74 21 22 0a 5c 0a | of. it!".\.|
00024050 22 53 68 65 72 72 79 20 5b 54 68 6f 6d 61 73 20 |"Sherry [Thomas |
00024060 53 68 65 72 69 64 61 6e 5d 20 69 73 20 64 75 6c |Sheridan] is dul|
00024070 6c 2c 20 6e 61 74 75 72 61 6c 6c 79 20 64 75 6c |l, naturally dul|
00024080 6c 3b 20 62 75 74 20 69 74 20 6d 75 73 74 20 68 |l; but it must h|
00024090 61 76 65 0a 74 61 6b 65 6e 20 68 69 6d 20 61 20 |ave.taken him a |
000240a0 67 72 65 61 74 20 64 65 61 6c 20 6f 66 20 70 61 |great deal of pa|
000240b0 69 6e 73 20 74 6f 20 62 65 63 6f 6d 65 20 77 68 |ins to become wh|
000240c0 61 74 20 77 65 20 6e 6f 77 20 73 65 65 20 68 69 |at we now see hi|
000240d0 6d 2e 20 20 53 75 63 68 20 61 6e 0a 65 78 63 65 |m. Such an.exce|
000240e0 73 73 20 6f 66 20 73 74 75 70 69 64 69 74 79 2c |ss of stupidity,|
000240f0 20 73 69 72 2c 20 69 73 20 6e 6f 74 20 69 6e 20 | sir, is not in |
00024100 4e 61 74 75 72 65 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 53 61 6d |Nature.".>>- Sam|
00024110 75 65 6c 20 4a 6f 68 6e 73 6f 6e 0a 5c 0a 22 57 |uel Johnson.\."W|
00024120 68 79 20 77 61 73 20 49 20 62 6f 72 6e 20 77 69 |hy was I born wi|
00024130 74 68 20 73 75 63 68 20 63 6f 6e 74 65 6d 70 6f |th such contempo|
00024140 72 61 72 69 65 73 3f 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4f 73 63 |raries?".>>- Osc|
00024150 61 72 20 57 69 6c 64 65 0a 5c 0a 22 57 61 67 6e |ar Wilde.\."Wagn|
00024160 65 72 27 73 20 6d 75 73 69 63 20 69 73 20 62 65 |er's music is be|
00024170 74 74 65 72 20 74 68 61 6e 20 69 74 20 73 6f 75 |tter than it sou|
00024180 6e 64 73 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 4d 61 72 6b 20 54 |nds.".>>- Mark T|
00024190 77 61 69 6e 0a 5c 0a 4f 6e 20 61 20 70 61 70 65 |wain.\.On a pape|
000241a0 72 20 73 75 62 6d 69 74 74 65 64 20 62 79 20 61 |r submitted by a|
000241b0 20 70 68 79 73 69 63 69 73 74 20 63 6f 6c 6c 65 | physicist colle|
000241c0 61 67 75 65 3a 0a 0a 22 54 68 69 73 20 69 73 6e |ague:.."This isn|
000241d0 27 74 20 72 69 67 68 74 2e 20 20 54 68 69 73 20 |'t right. This |
000241e0 69 73 6e 27 74 20 65 76 65 6e 20 77 72 6f 6e 67 |isn't even wrong|
000241f0 2e 22 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 57 6f 6c 66 67 61 6e 67 |."..>>- Wolfgang|
00024200 20 50 61 75 6c 69 0a 5c 0a 4c 65 69 62 6f 77 69 | Pauli.\.Leibowi|
00024210 74 7a 27 73 20 52 75 6c 65 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |tz's Rule:. |
00024220 57 68 65 6e 20 68 61 6d 6d 65 72 69 6e 67 20 61 |When hammering a|
00024230 20 6e 61 69 6c 2c 20 79 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 | nail, you will |
00024240 6e 65 76 65 72 20 68 69 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 66 |never hit your f|
00024250 69 6e 67 65 72 20 69 66 20 79 6f 75 0a 20 20 20 |inger if you. |
00024260 20 20 68 6f 6c 64 20 74 68 65 20 68 61 6d 6d 65 | hold the hamme|
00024270 72 20 77 69 74 68 20 62 6f 74 68 20 68 61 6e 64 |r with both hand|
00024280 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 44 72 65 77 27 73 20 4c 61 77 20 |s..\.Drew's Law |
00024290 6f 66 20 48 69 67 68 77 61 79 20 42 69 6f 6c 6f |of Highway Biolo|
000242a0 67 79 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 65 20 66 69 72 |gy:. The fir|
000242b0 73 74 20 62 75 67 20 74 6f 20 68 69 74 20 61 20 |st bug to hit a |
000242c0 63 6c 65 61 6e 20 77 69 6e 64 73 68 69 65 6c 64 |clean windshield|
000242d0 20 6c 61 6e 64 73 20 64 69 72 65 63 74 6c 79 20 | lands directly |
000242e0 69 6e 20 66 72 6f 6e 74 0a 20 20 20 20 20 6f 66 |in front. of|
000242f0 20 79 6f 75 72 20 65 79 65 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 4c 61 | your eyes..\.La|
00024300 6e 67 73 61 6d 27 73 20 4c 61 77 73 3a 0a 20 20 |ngsam's Laws:. |
00024310 20 20 20 31 29 20 45 76 65 72 79 74 68 69 6e 67 | 1) Everything|
00024320 20 64 65 70 65 6e 64 73 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 32 | depends.. 2|
00024330 29 20 4e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 61 6c 77 |) Nothing is alw|
00024340 61 79 73 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 33 29 20 45 76 65 |ays.. 3) Eve|
00024350 72 79 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 73 20 73 6f 6d 65 74 |rything is somet|
00024360 69 6d 65 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 50 |imes..\.Law of P|
00024370 72 6f 62 61 62 6c 65 20 20 20 20 20 44 69 73 70 |robable Disp|
00024380 65 72 73 61 6c 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 57 68 61 74 |ersal:. What|
00024390 65 76 65 72 20 69 74 20 69 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 |ever it is that |
000243a0 68 69 74 73 20 74 68 65 20 66 61 6e 20 77 69 6c |hits the fan wil|
000243b0 6c 20 6e 6f 74 20 62 65 20 65 76 65 6e 6c 79 0a |l not be evenly.|
000243c0 20 20 20 20 20 64 69 73 74 72 69 62 75 74 65 64 | distributed|
000243d0 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 65 61 64 65 72 27 73 20 4c 61 77 |..\.Meader's Law|
000243e0 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 57 68 61 74 65 76 65 72 20 |:. Whatever |
000243f0 68 61 70 70 65 6e 73 20 74 6f 20 79 6f 75 2c 20 |happens to you, |
00024400 69 74 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 70 72 65 76 69 6f 75 73 |it will previous|
00024410 6c 79 20 68 61 76 65 20 68 61 70 70 65 6e 65 64 |ly have happened|
00024420 20 74 6f 0a 20 20 20 20 20 65 76 65 72 79 6f 6e | to. everyon|
00024430 65 20 79 6f 75 20 6b 6e 6f 77 2c 20 6f 6e 6c 79 |e you know, only|
00024440 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 73 6f 2e 0a 5c 0a 46 6f 75 72 | more so..\.Four|
00024450 74 68 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 52 65 76 69 73 69 |th Law of Revisi|
00024460 6f 6e 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 74 20 69 73 20 75 |on:. It is u|
00024470 73 75 61 6c 6c 79 20 69 6d 70 72 61 63 74 69 63 |sually impractic|
00024480 61 6c 20 74 6f 20 77 6f 72 72 79 20 62 65 66 6f |al to worry befo|
00024490 72 65 68 61 6e 64 20 61 62 6f 75 74 0a 20 20 20 |rehand about. |
000244a0 20 20 69 6e 74 65 72 66 65 72 65 6e 63 65 73 20 | interferences |
000244b0 2d 2d 20 69 66 20 79 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 6e |-- if you have n|
000244c0 6f 6e 65 2c 20 73 6f 6d 65 6f 6e 65 20 77 69 6c |one, someone wil|
000244d0 6c 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 6f 6e 65 20 66 6f 72 0a 20 |l make one for. |
000244e0 20 20 20 20 79 6f 75 2e 0a 5c 0a 53 6f 64 64 27 | you..\.Sodd'|
000244f0 73 20 53 65 63 6f 6e 64 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 |s Second Law:. |
00024500 20 20 20 53 6f 6f 6e 65 72 20 6f 72 20 6c 61 74 | Sooner or lat|
00024510 65 72 2c 20 74 68 65 20 77 6f 72 73 74 20 70 6f |er, the worst po|
00024520 73 73 69 62 6c 65 20 73 65 74 20 6f 66 20 63 69 |ssible set of ci|
00024530 72 63 75 6d 73 74 61 6e 63 65 73 20 69 73 0a 20 |rcumstances is. |
00024540 20 20 20 20 62 6f 75 6e 64 20 74 6f 20 6f 63 63 | bound to occ|
00024550 75 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 4d 75 72 70 68 79 27 73 20 4c |ur..\.Murphy's L|
00024560 61 77 20 69 73 20 72 65 63 75 72 73 69 76 65 2e |aw is recursive.|
00024570 20 20 57 61 73 68 69 6e 67 20 79 6f 75 72 20 63 | Washing your c|
00024580 61 72 20 74 6f 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 69 74 20 72 61 |ar to make it ra|
00024590 69 6e 20 64 6f 65 73 6e 27 74 0a 77 6f 72 6b 2e |in doesn't.work.|
000245a0 0a 5c 0a 52 75 6c 65 20 6f 66 20 44 65 66 61 63 |.\.Rule of Defac|
000245b0 74 75 61 6c 69 7a 61 74 69 6f 6e 3a 0a 20 20 20 |tualization:. |
000245c0 20 20 49 6e 66 6f 72 6d 61 74 69 6f 6e 20 64 65 | Information de|
000245d0 74 65 72 69 6f 72 61 74 65 73 20 75 70 77 61 72 |teriorates upwar|
000245e0 64 20 74 68 72 6f 75 67 68 20 62 75 72 65 61 75 |d through bureau|
000245f0 63 72 61 63 69 65 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 53 70 61 72 6b |cracies..\.Spark|
00024600 27 73 20 53 69 78 74 68 20 52 75 6c 65 20 66 6f |'s Sixth Rule fo|
00024610 72 20 4d 61 6e 61 67 65 72 73 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 |r Managers:. |
00024620 20 49 66 20 61 20 73 75 62 6f 72 64 69 6e 61 74 | If a subordinat|
00024630 65 20 61 73 6b 73 20 79 6f 75 20 61 20 70 65 72 |e asks you a per|
00024640 74 69 6e 65 6e 74 20 71 75 65 73 74 69 6f 6e 2c |tinent question,|
00024650 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 20 61 74 20 68 69 6d 20 61 73 0a | look at him as.|
00024660 20 20 20 20 20 69 66 20 68 65 20 68 61 64 20 6c | if he had l|
00024670 6f 73 74 20 68 69 73 20 73 65 6e 73 65 73 2e 20 |ost his senses. |
00024680 20 57 68 65 6e 20 68 65 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 73 20 64 | When he looks d|
00024690 6f 77 6e 2c 20 70 61 72 61 70 68 72 61 73 65 20 |own, paraphrase |
000246a0 74 68 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 71 75 65 73 74 69 6f |the. questio|
000246b0 6e 20 62 61 63 6b 20 61 74 20 68 69 6d 2e 0a 5c |n back at him..\|
000246c0 0a 41 6e 74 68 6f 6e 79 27 73 20 4c 61 77 20 6f |.Anthony's Law o|
000246d0 66 20 46 6f 72 63 65 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 44 6f |f Force:. Do|
000246e0 6e 27 74 20 66 6f 72 63 65 20 69 74 3b 20 67 65 |n't force it; ge|
000246f0 74 20 61 20 6c 61 72 67 65 72 20 68 61 6d 6d 65 |t a larger hamme|
00024700 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 52 61 79 27 73 20 52 75 6c 65 20 |r..\.Ray's Rule |
00024710 6f 66 20 50 72 65 63 69 73 69 6f 6e 3a 0a 20 20 |of Precision:. |
00024720 20 20 20 4d 65 61 73 75 72 65 20 77 69 74 68 20 | Measure with |
00024730 61 20 6d 69 63 72 6f 6d 65 74 65 72 2e 20 20 4d |a micrometer. M|
00024740 61 72 6b 20 77 69 74 68 20 63 68 61 6c 6b 2e 20 |ark with chalk. |
00024750 20 43 75 74 20 77 69 74 68 20 61 6e 20 61 78 65 | Cut with an axe|
00024760 2e 0a 5c 0a 52 75 6c 65 20 6f 66 20 43 72 65 61 |..\.Rule of Crea|
00024770 74 69 76 65 20 52 65 73 65 61 72 63 68 3a 0a 20 |tive Research:. |
00024780 20 20 20 20 31 29 20 4e 65 76 65 72 20 64 72 61 | 1) Never dra|
00024790 77 20 77 68 61 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 20 63 |w what you can c|
000247a0 6f 70 79 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 32 29 20 4e 65 76 |opy.. 2) Nev|
000247b0 65 72 20 63 6f 70 79 20 77 68 61 74 20 79 6f 75 |er copy what you|
000247c0 20 63 61 6e 20 74 72 61 63 65 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 | can trace.. |
000247d0 20 33 29 20 4e 65 76 65 72 20 74 72 61 63 65 20 | 3) Never trace |
000247e0 77 68 61 74 20 79 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 20 63 75 74 |what you can cut|
000247f0 20 6f 75 74 20 61 6e 64 20 70 61 73 74 65 20 64 | out and paste d|
00024800 6f 77 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a 42 61 72 61 63 68 27 73 20 |own..\.Barach's |
00024810 52 75 6c 65 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e 20 61 6c |Rule:. An al|
00024820 63 6f 68 6f 6c 69 63 20 69 73 20 61 20 70 65 72 |coholic is a per|
00024830 73 6f 6e 20 77 68 6f 20 64 72 69 6e 6b 73 20 6d |son who drinks m|
00024840 6f 72 65 20 74 68 61 6e 20 68 69 73 20 6f 77 6e |ore than his own|
00024850 0a 20 20 20 20 20 70 68 79 73 69 63 69 61 6e 2e |. physician.|
00024860 0a 5c 0a 22 59 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 6f 6c 64 2c |.\."You are old,|
00024870 20 46 61 74 68 65 72 20 57 69 6c 6c 69 61 6d 2c | Father William,|
00024880 22 20 74 68 65 20 79 6f 75 6e 67 20 6d 61 6e 20 |" the young man |
00024890 73 61 69 64 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 41 6c 6c 20 |said,. "All |
000248a0 79 6f 75 72 20 70 61 70 65 72 73 20 74 68 65 73 |your papers thes|
000248b0 65 20 64 61 79 73 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 20 74 68 65 20 |e days look the |
000248c0 73 61 6d 65 3b 0a 54 68 6f 73 65 20 57 69 6c 6c |same;.Those Will|
000248d0 69 61 6d 27 73 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 62 65 20 62 |iam's would be b|
000248e0 65 74 74 65 72 20 75 6e 72 65 61 64 20 2d 2d 0a |etter unread --.|
000248f0 20 20 20 20 20 44 6f 20 74 68 65 73 65 20 66 61 | Do these fa|
00024900 63 74 73 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 66 69 6c 6c 20 79 |cts never fill y|
00024910 6f 75 20 77 69 74 68 20 73 68 61 6d 65 3f 22 0a |ou with shame?".|
00024920 0a 22 49 6e 20 6d 79 20 79 6f 75 74 68 2c 22 20 |."In my youth," |
00024930 46 61 74 68 65 72 20 57 69 6c 6c 69 61 6d 20 72 |Father William r|
00024940 65 70 6c 69 65 64 20 74 6f 20 68 69 73 20 73 6f |eplied to his so|
00024950 6e 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 22 49 20 77 72 6f 74 65 |n,. "I wrote|
00024960 20 77 6f 6e 64 65 72 66 75 6c 20 70 61 70 65 72 | wonderful paper|
00024970 73 20 67 61 6c 6f 72 65 3b 0a 42 75 74 20 74 68 |s galore;.But th|
00024980 65 20 67 72 65 61 74 20 72 65 70 75 74 61 74 69 |e great reputati|
00024990 6f 6e 20 49 20 66 6f 75 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 20 |on I found that |
000249a0 49 27 64 20 77 6f 6e 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4d 61 |I'd won,. Ma|
000249b0 64 65 20 69 74 20 70 6f 69 6e 74 6c 65 73 73 20 |de it pointless |
000249c0 74 6f 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 61 6e 79 20 6d 6f 72 |to think any mor|
000249d0 65 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 22 59 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 6f |e.".\."You are o|
000249e0 6c 64 2c 22 20 73 61 69 64 20 74 68 65 20 79 6f |ld," said the yo|
000249f0 75 74 68 2c 20 22 61 73 20 49 20 6d 65 6e 74 69 |uth, "as I menti|
00024a00 6f 6e 65 64 20 62 65 66 6f 72 65 2c 0a 20 20 20 |oned before,. |
00024a10 20 20 41 6e 64 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 65 72 72 6f 72 | And make error|
00024a20 73 20 66 65 77 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 63 6f 75 |s few people cou|
00024a30 6c 64 20 62 65 61 72 3b 0a 59 6f 75 20 63 6f 6d |ld bear;.You com|
00024a40 70 6c 61 69 6e 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 65 76 65 72 |plain about ever|
00024a50 79 6f 6e 65 27 73 20 45 6e 67 6c 69 73 68 20 62 |yone's English b|
00024a60 75 74 20 79 6f 75 72 73 20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 20 20 |ut yours --. |
00024a70 20 44 6f 20 79 6f 75 20 72 65 61 6c 6c 79 20 74 | Do you really t|
00024a80 68 69 6e 6b 20 74 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 71 75 69 |hink this is qui|
00024a90 74 65 20 66 61 69 72 3f 22 0a 0a 22 49 20 6d 61 |te fair?".."I ma|
00024aa0 6b 65 20 6c 6f 74 73 20 6f 66 20 6d 69 73 74 61 |ke lots of mista|
00024ab0 6b 65 73 2c 22 20 46 61 74 68 65 72 20 57 69 6c |kes," Father Wil|
00024ac0 6c 69 61 6d 20 64 65 63 6c 61 72 65 64 2c 0a 20 |liam declared,. |
00024ad0 20 20 20 20 22 42 75 74 20 6d 79 20 73 74 61 74 | "But my stat|
00024ae0 75 72 65 20 74 68 65 73 65 20 64 61 79 73 20 69 |ure these days i|
00024af0 73 20 73 6f 20 67 72 65 61 74 0a 54 68 61 74 20 |s so great.That |
00024b00 6e 6f 20 63 72 69 74 69 63 20 63 61 6e 20 68 75 |no critic can hu|
00024b10 72 74 20 6d 65 20 2d 2d 20 49 27 76 65 20 67 6f |rt me -- I've go|
00024b20 74 20 74 68 65 6d 20 61 6c 6c 20 73 63 61 72 65 |t them all scare|
00024b30 64 2c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 74 6f 20 73 |d,. And to s|
00024b40 74 6f 70 20 6d 65 20 69 74 27 73 20 6e 6f 77 20 |top me it's now |
00024b50 66 61 72 20 74 6f 6f 20 6c 61 74 65 2e 22 0a 5c |far too late.".\|
00024b60 0a 22 59 6f 75 20 61 72 65 20 6f 6c 64 2c 22 20 |."You are old," |
00024b70 73 61 69 64 20 74 68 65 20 79 6f 75 74 68 2c 20 |said the youth, |
00024b80 22 61 6e 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 70 72 6f 67 72 61 |"and your progra|
00024b90 6d 73 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 72 75 6e 2c 0a 20 20 |ms don't run,. |
00024ba0 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 6e | And there isn|
00024bb0 27 74 20 6f 6e 65 20 6c 61 6e 67 75 61 67 65 20 |'t one language |
00024bc0 79 6f 75 20 6c 69 6b 65 3b 0a 59 65 74 20 6f 66 |you like;.Yet of|
00024bd0 20 75 73 65 66 75 6c 20 73 75 67 67 65 73 74 69 | useful suggesti|
00024be0 6f 6e 73 20 66 6f 72 20 68 65 6c 70 20 79 6f 75 |ons for help you|
00024bf0 20 68 61 76 65 20 6e 6f 6e 65 20 2d 2d 0a 20 20 | have none --. |
00024c00 20 20 20 48 61 76 65 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 6f 75 | Have you thou|
00024c10 67 68 74 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 74 61 6b 69 6e 67 |ght about taking|
00024c20 20 61 20 68 69 6b 65 3f 22 0a 0a 22 53 69 6e 63 | a hike?".."Sinc|
00024c30 65 20 49 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 77 72 69 74 65 20 |e I never write |
00024c40 70 72 6f 67 72 61 6d 73 2c 22 20 68 69 73 20 66 |programs," his f|
00024c50 61 74 68 65 72 20 72 65 70 6c 69 65 64 2c 0a 20 |ather replied,. |
00024c60 20 20 20 20 22 45 76 65 72 79 20 6c 61 6e 67 75 | "Every langu|
00024c70 61 67 65 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 73 20 65 71 75 61 6c 6c |age looks equall|
00024c80 79 20 62 61 64 3b 0a 59 65 74 20 74 68 65 20 70 |y bad;.Yet the p|
00024c90 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 6b 65 65 70 20 70 61 79 69 6e |eople keep payin|
00024ca0 67 20 74 6f 20 72 65 61 64 20 61 6c 6c 20 6d 79 |g to read all my|
00024cb0 20 62 6f 6f 6b 73 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e 64 20 | books. And |
00024cc0 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 72 65 61 6c 69 7a 65 20 74 68 |don't realize th|
00024cd0 61 74 20 74 68 65 79 27 76 65 20 62 65 65 6e 20 |at they've been |
00024ce0 68 61 64 2e 22 0a 5c 0a 22 59 6f 75 20 61 72 65 |had.".\."You are|
00024cf0 20 6f 6c 64 2c 22 20 73 61 69 64 20 74 68 65 20 | old," said the |
00024d00 79 6f 75 74 68 2c 20 22 61 6e 64 20 49 27 6d 20 |youth, "and I'm |
00024d10 74 6f 6c 64 20 62 79 20 6d 79 20 70 65 65 72 73 |told by my peers|
00024d20 0a 54 68 61 74 20 79 6f 75 72 20 6c 65 63 74 75 |.That your lectu|
00024d30 72 65 73 20 62 6f 72 65 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 |res bore people |
00024d40 74 6f 20 64 65 61 74 68 2e 0a 59 65 74 20 79 6f |to death..Yet yo|
00024d50 75 20 74 61 6c 6b 20 61 74 20 6f 6e 65 20 68 75 |u talk at one hu|
00024d60 6e 64 72 65 64 20 63 6f 6e 76 65 6e 74 69 6f 6e |ndred convention|
00024d70 73 20 70 65 72 20 79 65 61 72 20 2d 2d 0a 44 6f |s per year --.Do|
00024d80 6e 27 74 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 74 68 |n't you think th|
00024d90 61 74 20 79 6f 75 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 73 61 |at you should sa|
00024da0 76 65 20 79 6f 75 72 20 62 72 65 61 74 68 3f 22 |ve your breath?"|
00024db0 0a 0a 22 49 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 6e 73 77 65 72 |.."I have answer|
00024dc0 65 64 20 74 68 72 65 65 20 71 75 65 73 74 69 6f |ed three questio|
00024dd0 6e 73 20 61 6e 64 20 74 68 61 74 20 69 73 20 65 |ns and that is e|
00024de0 6e 6f 75 67 68 2c 22 0a 53 61 69 64 20 68 69 73 |nough,".Said his|
00024df0 20 66 61 74 68 65 72 2c 20 22 44 6f 6e 27 74 20 | father, "Don't |
00024e00 67 69 76 65 20 79 6f 75 72 73 65 6c 66 20 61 69 |give yourself ai|
00024e10 72 73 21 0a 44 6f 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 69 6e 6b |rs!.Do you think|
00024e20 20 49 20 63 61 6e 20 6c 69 73 74 65 6e 20 61 6c | I can listen al|
00024e30 6c 20 64 61 79 20 74 6f 20 73 75 63 68 20 73 74 |l day to such st|
00024e40 75 66 66 3f 0a 42 65 20 6f 66 66 2c 20 6f 72 20 |uff?.Be off, or |
00024e50 49 27 6c 6c 20 6b 69 63 6b 20 79 6f 75 20 64 6f |I'll kick you do|
00024e60 77 6e 73 74 61 69 72 73 21 22 0a 5c 0a 53 70 65 |wnstairs!".\.Spe|
00024e70 61 6b 20 72 6f 75 67 68 6c 79 20 74 6f 20 79 6f |ak roughly to yo|
00024e80 75 72 20 6c 69 74 74 6c 65 20 56 41 58 2c 0a 61 |ur little VAX,.a|
00024e90 6e 64 20 62 6f 6f 74 20 69 74 20 77 68 65 6e 20 |nd boot it when |
00024ea0 69 74 20 63 72 61 73 68 65 73 3b 0a 49 74 20 6b |it crashes;.It k|
00024eb0 6e 6f 77 73 20 74 68 61 74 20 6f 6e 65 20 63 61 |nows that one ca|
00024ec0 6e 6e 6f 74 20 72 65 6c 61 78 0a 42 65 63 61 75 |nnot relax.Becau|
00024ed0 73 65 20 74 68 65 20 70 61 67 69 6e 67 20 74 68 |se the paging th|
00024ee0 72 61 73 68 65 73 21 0a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 |rashes!.. |
00024ef0 20 20 20 57 6f 77 21 20 20 57 6f 77 21 20 20 57 | Wow! Wow! W|
00024f00 6f 77 21 0a 0a 49 20 73 70 65 61 6b 20 73 65 76 |ow!..I speak sev|
00024f10 65 72 65 6c 79 20 74 6f 20 6d 79 20 56 41 58 2c |erely to my VAX,|
00024f20 0a 61 6e 64 20 62 6f 6f 74 20 69 74 20 77 68 65 |.and boot it whe|
00024f30 6e 20 69 74 20 63 72 61 73 68 65 73 3b 0a 49 6e |n it crashes;.In|
00024f40 20 73 70 69 74 65 20 6f 66 20 61 6c 6c 20 6d 79 | spite of all my|
00024f50 20 66 61 76 6f 72 69 74 65 20 68 61 63 6b 73 0a | favorite hacks.|
00024f60 4d 79 20 6a 6f 62 73 20 69 74 20 61 6c 77 61 79 |My jobs it alway|
00024f70 73 20 74 68 72 61 73 68 65 73 21 0a 0a 20 20 20 |s thrashes!.. |
00024f80 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 57 6f 77 21 20 20 57 6f 77 | Wow! Wow|
00024f90 21 20 20 57 6f 77 21 0a 5c 0a 20 20 20 20 20 57 |! Wow!.\. W|
00024fa0 68 65 6e 20 79 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 73 68 6f |hen you have sho|
00024fb0 74 20 61 6e 64 20 6b 69 6c 6c 65 64 20 61 20 6d |t and killed a m|
00024fc0 61 6e 20 79 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 69 6e 20 73 |an you have in s|
00024fd0 6f 6d 65 20 6d 65 61 73 75 72 65 0a 63 6c 61 72 |ome measure.clar|
00024fe0 69 66 69 65 64 20 79 6f 75 72 20 61 74 74 69 74 |ified your attit|
00024ff0 75 64 65 20 74 6f 77 61 72 64 20 68 69 6d 2e 20 |ude toward him. |
00025000 20 59 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 67 69 76 65 6e 20 | You have given |
00025010 61 20 64 65 66 69 6e 69 74 65 20 61 6e 73 77 65 |a definite answe|
00025020 72 0a 74 6f 20 61 20 64 65 66 69 6e 69 74 65 20 |r.to a definite |
00025030 70 72 6f 62 6c 65 6d 2e 20 20 46 6f 72 20 62 65 |problem. For be|
00025040 74 74 65 72 20 6f 72 20 77 6f 72 73 65 20 79 6f |tter or worse yo|
00025050 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 63 74 65 64 20 64 65 63 |u have acted dec|
00025060 69 73 69 76 65 6c 79 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 6e |isively.. In|
00025070 20 61 20 77 61 79 2c 20 74 68 65 20 6e 65 78 74 | a way, the next|
00025080 20 6d 6f 76 65 20 69 73 20 75 70 20 74 6f 20 68 | move is up to h|
00025090 69 6d 2e 0a 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 52 2e 20 41 2e 20 4c |im...>>- R. A. L|
000250a0 61 66 66 65 72 74 79 0a 5c 0a 22 4d 79 20 77 65 |afferty.\."My we|
000250b0 69 67 68 74 20 69 73 20 70 65 72 66 65 63 74 20 |ight is perfect |
000250c0 66 6f 72 20 6d 79 20 68 65 69 67 68 74 20 2d 2d |for my height --|
000250d0 20 77 68 69 63 68 20 76 61 72 69 65 73 22 0a 5c | which varies".\|
000250e0 0a 22 4f 6e 65 20 70 6c 61 6e 65 74 20 69 73 20 |."One planet is |
000250f0 61 6c 6c 20 79 6f 75 20 67 65 74 2e 22 0a 5c 0a |all you get.".\.|
00025100 22 59 6f 75 20 63 61 6e 27 74 20 74 65 61 63 68 |"You can't teach|
00025110 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 6c 61 | people to be la|
00025120 7a 79 20 2d 20 65 69 74 68 65 72 20 74 68 65 79 |zy - either they|
00025130 20 68 61 76 65 20 69 74 2c 20 6f 72 20 74 68 65 | have it, or the|
00025140 79 0a 64 6f 6e 27 74 2e 22 0a 3e 3e 2d 20 44 61 |y.don't.".>>- Da|
00025150 67 77 6f 6f 64 20 42 75 6d 73 74 65 61 64 0a 5c |gwood Bumstead.\|
00025160 0a 22 49 66 20 79 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 6f |."If you have to|
00025170 20 68 61 74 65 2c 20 68 61 74 65 20 67 65 6e 74 | hate, hate gent|
00025180 6c 79 22 0a 5c 0a 45 6c 65 76 61 74 6f 72 73 20 |ly".\.Elevators |
00025190 73 6d 65 6c 6c 20 64 69 66 66 65 72 65 6e 74 20 |smell different |
000251a0 74 6f 20 6d 69 64 67 65 74 73 0a 5c 0a 48 75 6d |to midgets.\.Hum|
000251b0 61 6e 20 62 65 69 6e 67 73 20 77 65 72 65 20 63 |an beings were c|
000251c0 72 65 61 74 65 64 20 62 79 20 77 61 74 65 72 20 |reated by water |
000251d0 74 6f 20 74 72 61 6e 73 70 6f 72 74 20 69 74 20 |to transport it |
000251e0 75 70 68 69 6c 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 69 72 20 69 73 |uphill..\.Air is|
000251f0 20 77 61 74 65 72 20 77 69 74 68 20 68 6f 6c 65 | water with hole|
00025200 73 20 69 6e 20 69 74 0a 5c 0a 22 45 76 65 72 79 |s in it.\."Every|
00025210 20 74 69 6d 65 20 49 20 74 68 69 6e 6b 20 49 20 | time I think I |
00025220 6b 6e 6f 77 20 77 68 65 72 65 20 69 74 27 73 20 |know where it's |
00025230 61 74 2c 20 74 68 65 20 6d 6f 76 65 20 69 74 2e |at, the move it.|
00025240 22 0a 5c 0a 22 48 65 69 73 65 6e 62 65 72 67 20 |".\."Heisenberg |
00025250 6d 61 79 20 68 61 76 65 20 73 6c 65 70 74 20 68 |may have slept h|
00025260 65 72 65 22 0a 5c 0a 22 49 66 20 64 6f 6c 70 68 |ere".\."If dolph|
00025270 69 6e 73 20 61 72 65 20 73 6f 20 73 6d 61 72 74 |ins are so smart|
00025280 2c 20 77 68 79 20 64 69 64 20 46 6c 69 70 70 65 |, why did Flippe|
00025290 72 20 77 6f 72 6b 20 66 6f 72 20 74 65 6c 65 76 |r work for telev|
000252a0 69 73 69 6f 6e 3f 22 0a 5c 0a 54 68 65 20 52 6f |ision?".\.The Ro|
000252b0 6d 61 6e 20 52 75 6c 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 54 68 |man Rule. Th|
000252c0 65 20 6f 6e 65 20 77 68 6f 20 73 61 79 73 20 69 |e one who says i|
000252d0 74 20 63 61 6e 6e 6f 74 20 62 65 20 64 6f 6e 65 |t cannot be done|
000252e0 20 73 68 6f 75 6c 64 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 69 6e | should never in|
000252f0 74 65 72 72 75 70 74 20 74 68 65 0a 20 20 20 20 |terrupt the. |
00025300 20 6f 6e 65 20 77 68 6f 20 69 73 20 64 6f 69 6e | one who is doin|
00025310 67 20 69 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 4c 61 63 6b 6c 61 6e 64 |g it..\.Lackland|
00025320 27 73 20 4c 61 77 73 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 31 2e |'s Laws:. 1.|
00025330 20 20 4e 65 76 65 72 20 62 65 20 66 69 72 73 74 | Never be first|
00025340 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 32 2e 20 20 4e 65 76 65 72 |.. 2. Never|
00025350 20 62 65 20 6c 61 73 74 2e 0a 20 20 20 20 20 33 | be last.. 3|
00025360 2e 20 20 4e 65 76 65 72 20 76 6f 6c 75 6e 74 65 |. Never volunte|
00025370 65 72 20 66 6f 72 20 61 6e 79 74 68 69 6e 67 0a |er for anything.|
00025380 5c 0a 54 75 73 73 6d 61 6e 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a |\.Tussman's Law:|
00025390 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4e 6f 74 68 69 6e 67 20 69 73 |. Nothing is|
000253a0 20 61 73 20 69 6e 65 76 69 74 61 62 6c 65 20 61 | as inevitable a|
000253b0 73 20 61 20 6d 69 73 74 61 6b 65 20 77 68 6f 73 |s a mistake whos|
000253c0 65 20 74 69 6d 65 20 68 61 73 20 63 6f 6d 65 2e |e time has come.|
000253d0 0a 5c 0a 4f 6c 69 76 65 72 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a |.\.Oliver's Law:|
000253e0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 45 78 70 65 72 69 65 6e 63 65 |. Experience|
000253f0 20 69 73 20 73 6f 6d 65 74 68 69 6e 67 20 79 6f | is something yo|
00025400 75 20 64 6f 6e 27 74 20 67 65 74 20 75 6e 74 69 |u don't get unti|
00025410 6c 20 6a 75 73 74 20 61 66 74 65 72 20 79 6f 75 |l just after you|
00025420 20 6e 65 65 64 0a 20 20 20 20 20 69 74 2e 0a 5c | need. it..\|
00025430 0a 4d 69 74 63 68 65 6c 6c 27 73 20 4c 61 77 20 |.Mitchell's Law |
00025440 6f 66 20 43 6f 6d 6d 69 74 74 65 65 73 3a 0a 20 |of Committees:. |
00025450 20 20 20 20 41 6e 79 20 73 69 6d 70 6c 65 20 70 | Any simple p|
00025460 72 6f 62 6c 65 6d 20 63 61 6e 20 62 65 20 6d 61 |roblem can be ma|
00025470 64 65 20 69 6e 73 6f 6c 75 62 6c 65 20 69 66 20 |de insoluble if |
00025480 65 6e 6f 75 67 68 20 6d 65 65 74 69 6e 67 73 20 |enough meetings |
00025490 61 72 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 68 65 6c 64 20 74 6f |are. held to|
000254a0 20 64 69 73 63 75 73 73 20 69 74 2e 0a 5c 0a 42 | discuss it..\.B|
000254b0 61 72 75 63 68 27 73 20 4f 62 73 65 72 76 61 74 |aruch's Observat|
000254c0 69 6f 6e 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 66 20 61 6c 6c |ion:. If all|
000254d0 20 79 6f 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 69 73 20 61 20 68 | you have is a h|
000254e0 61 6d 6d 65 72 2c 20 65 76 65 72 79 74 68 69 6e |ammer, everythin|
000254f0 67 20 6c 6f 6f 6b 73 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 61 20 6e |g looks like a n|
00025500 61 69 6c 2e 0a 5c 0a 41 6e 74 68 6f 6e 79 27 73 |ail..\.Anthony's|
00025510 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 57 6f 72 6b | Law of the Work|
00025520 73 68 6f 70 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 41 6e 79 20 74 |shop:. Any t|
00025530 6f 6f 6c 20 77 68 65 6e 20 64 72 6f 70 70 65 64 |ool when dropped|
00025540 2c 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 72 6f 6c 6c 20 69 6e 74 6f |, will roll into|
00025550 20 74 68 65 20 6c 65 61 73 74 20 61 63 63 65 73 | the least acces|
00025560 73 69 62 6c 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 63 6f 72 6e 65 |sible. corne|
00025570 72 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 77 6f 72 6b 73 68 6f |r of the worksho|
00025580 70 2e 0a 0a 43 6f 72 6f 6c 6c 61 72 79 3a 0a 20 |p...Corollary:. |
00025590 20 20 20 20 4f 6e 20 74 68 65 20 77 61 79 20 74 | On the way t|
000255a0 6f 20 74 68 65 20 63 6f 72 6e 65 72 2c 20 61 6e |o the corner, an|
000255b0 79 20 64 72 6f 70 70 65 64 20 74 6f 6f 6c 20 77 |y dropped tool w|
000255c0 69 6c 6c 20 66 69 72 73 74 20 73 74 72 69 6b 65 |ill first strike|
000255d0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 79 6f 75 72 20 74 6f 65 73 2e |. your toes.|
000255e0 0a 5c 0a 53 65 63 6f 6e 64 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 |.\.Second Law of|
000255f0 20 42 75 73 69 6e 65 73 73 20 4d 65 65 74 69 6e | Business Meetin|
00025600 67 73 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 49 66 20 74 68 65 72 |gs:. If ther|
00025610 65 20 61 72 65 20 74 77 6f 20 70 6f 73 73 69 62 |e are two possib|
00025620 6c 65 20 77 61 79 73 20 74 6f 20 73 70 65 6c 6c |le ways to spell|
00025630 20 61 20 70 65 72 73 6f 6e 27 73 20 6e 61 6d 65 | a person's name|
00025640 2c 20 79 6f 75 0a 20 20 20 20 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 |, you. will |
00025650 70 69 63 6b 20 74 68 65 20 77 72 6f 6e 67 20 6f |pick the wrong o|
00025660 6e 65 2e 0a 0a 43 6f 72 6f 6c 6c 61 72 79 3a 0a |ne...Corollary:.|
00025670 20 20 20 20 20 49 66 20 74 68 65 72 65 20 69 73 | If there is|
00025680 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 6f 6e 65 20 77 61 79 20 74 6f | only one way to|
00025690 20 73 70 65 6c 6c 20 61 20 6e 61 6d 65 2c 20 79 | spell a name, y|
000256a0 6f 75 20 77 69 6c 6c 20 73 70 65 6c 6c 20 69 74 |ou will spell it|
000256b0 0a 20 20 20 20 20 77 72 6f 6e 67 2c 20 61 6e 79 |. wrong, any|
000256c0 77 61 79 2e 0a 5c 0a 47 72 65 6c 62 27 73 20 52 |way..\.Grelb's R|
000256d0 65 6d 69 6e 64 65 72 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 45 69 |eminder:. Ei|
000256e0 67 68 74 79 20 70 65 72 63 65 6e 74 20 6f 66 20 |ghty percent of |
000256f0 61 6c 6c 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 63 6f 6e 73 69 |all people consi|
00025700 64 65 72 20 74 68 65 6d 73 65 6c 76 65 73 20 74 |der themselves t|
00025710 6f 20 62 65 20 61 62 6f 76 65 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |o be above. |
00025720 61 76 65 72 61 67 65 20 64 72 69 76 65 72 73 2e |average drivers.|
00025730 0a 5c 0a 47 72 61 6e 64 70 61 20 43 68 61 72 6e |.\.Grandpa Charn|
00025740 6f 63 6b 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |ock's Law:. |
00025750 59 6f 75 20 6e 65 76 65 72 20 72 65 61 6c 6c 79 |You never really|
00025760 20 6c 65 61 72 6e 20 74 6f 20 73 77 65 61 72 20 | learn to swear |
00025770 75 6e 74 69 6c 20 79 6f 75 20 6c 65 61 72 6e 20 |until you learn |
00025780 74 6f 20 64 72 69 76 65 2e 0a 5c 0a 52 75 6c 65 |to drive..\.Rule|
00025790 20 6f 66 20 74 68 65 20 47 72 65 61 74 3a 0a 20 | of the Great:. |
000257a0 20 20 20 20 57 68 65 6e 20 70 65 6f 70 6c 65 20 | When people |
000257b0 79 6f 75 20 67 72 65 61 74 6c 79 20 61 64 6d 69 |you greatly admi|
000257c0 72 65 20 61 70 70 65 61 72 20 74 6f 20 62 65 20 |re appear to be |
000257d0 74 68 69 6e 6b 69 6e 67 20 64 65 65 70 0a 20 20 |thinking deep. |
000257e0 20 20 20 74 68 6f 75 67 68 74 73 2c 20 74 68 65 | thoughts, the|
000257f0 79 20 70 72 6f 62 61 62 6c 79 20 61 72 65 20 74 |y probably are t|
00025800 68 69 6e 6b 69 6e 67 20 61 62 6f 75 74 20 6c 75 |hinking about lu|
00025810 6e 63 68 2e 0a 5c 0a 4c 69 65 62 65 72 6d 61 6e |nch..\.Lieberman|
00025820 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 45 76 65 |'s Law:. Eve|
00025830 72 79 62 6f 64 79 20 6c 69 65 73 2c 20 62 75 74 |rybody lies, but|
00025840 20 69 74 20 64 6f 65 73 6e 27 74 20 6d 61 74 74 | it doesn't matt|
00025850 65 72 20 73 69 6e 63 65 20 6e 6f 62 6f 64 79 20 |er since nobody |
00025860 6c 69 73 74 65 6e 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 47 6f 6c 64 65 |listens..\.Golde|
00025870 6e 73 74 65 72 6e 27 73 20 52 75 6c 65 73 3a 0a |nstern's Rules:.|
00025880 20 20 20 20 20 31 2e 20 20 41 6c 77 61 79 73 20 | 1. Always |
00025890 68 69 72 65 20 61 20 72 69 63 68 20 61 74 74 6f |hire a rich atto|
000258a0 72 6e 65 79 0a 20 20 20 20 20 32 2e 20 20 4e 65 |rney. 2. Ne|
000258b0 76 65 72 20 62 75 79 20 66 72 6f 6d 20 61 20 72 |ver buy from a r|
000258c0 69 63 68 20 73 61 6c 65 73 6d 61 6e 2e 0a 5c 0a |ich salesman..\.|
000258d0 57 65 69 6e 65 72 27 73 20 4c 61 77 20 6f 66 20 |Weiner's Law of |
000258e0 4c 69 62 72 61 72 69 65 73 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 |Libraries:. |
000258f0 54 68 65 72 65 20 61 72 65 20 6e 6f 20 61 6e 73 |There are no ans|
00025900 77 65 72 73 2c 20 6f 6e 6c 79 20 63 72 6f 73 73 |wers, only cross|
00025910 20 72 65 66 65 72 65 6e 63 65 73 2e 0a 5c 0a 42 | references..\.B|
00025920 72 6f 6f 6b 27 73 20 4c 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 |rook's Law:. |
00025930 20 41 64 64 69 6e 67 20 6d 61 6e 70 6f 77 65 72 | Adding manpower|
00025940 20 74 6f 20 61 20 6c 61 74 65 20 73 6f 66 74 77 | to a late softw|
00025950 61 72 65 20 70 72 6f 6a 65 63 74 20 6d 61 6b 65 |are project make|
00025960 73 20 69 74 20 6c 61 74 65 72 2e 0a 5c 0a 4f 27 |s it later..\.O'|
00025970 54 6f 6f 6c 65 27 73 20 43 6f 6d 6d 65 6e 74 61 |Toole's Commenta|
00025980 72 79 20 6f 6e 20 4d 75 72 70 68 79 27 73 20 4c |ry on Murphy's L|
00025990 61 77 3a 0a 20 20 20 20 20 4d 75 72 70 68 79 20 |aw:. Murphy |
000259a0 77 61 73 20 61 6e 20 6f 70 74 69 6d 69 73 74 2e |was an optimist.|
000259b0 0a 5c 0a |.\.|
000259b3 
.